All is right w/the world again. My funk has passed and after a long overdue conversation w/a certain blogger, I’m back to my old self again. I know, I’ve been a bit muggish this past week. Well, I’m all better…honest abe!
What does that mean? More of my madness dolled out by the spoonful.
This past weekend everyone kept saying how nice I was like it was a surprise. I must admit I was a little taken aback by that. Of course, I’m a nice guy! *g* But, I guess I sorta take that for granted. It’s pretty easy to miss if you aren’t looking for it in my writings.
Work has been a terror this week. WAY too much going on. Our contract negotiations are in full swing and the city is playing hard ball. The union is using my dept as the focus of it’s campaign. Mainly, as we are the extreme compared to other depts. in the city. No word yet on what affect our efforts have had on the process. Only time will tell at this point. We have one more big rally coming up next week. If the turnout is good, it will definitely help.
My friend in the hospital is still not doing well. On top of that, the family has shown up and causing more harm than good. Thankfully, he is still intubated so he is unaware of all this. I’m beginning to lose hope he will recover. Every step forward is met w/two steps back. It has been weighing on my mind a lot this week.
I finally got back into the gym today. I’ve only been once in the last two weeks and it’s been driving me nuts. It felt good but I only got half a work out in. Back and biceps. Tomorrow is quads and calves. I’m still working on the work out tips post and am hoping to have it up over the weekend.
I’ve been so distracted this week, I totally forgot last night was the final contest for the BCC contest. Ooops! I don’t even know who the winners are. How sad is that? Ugh. I’m glad the hard part is over. Now my work drops off quite a bit till June. Hey, I’ll take my breaks anywhere I can get’em.
Duty calls…happy weekend all.
So the blogger weekend is over. brettcajun and homer are probably already home as I write this. Chad Fox was kind enough to overload us w/pics. We got some quality goof time in as well. I’m uploading them to pics.mobius.name. It’s active now but only a few pics loaded so far. Check back later for the 30-40 pics I’m keeping. *click on the top right icon to enlarge it so you can really see the pics.*
What can I say about the weekend? Was it worth it? Did I measure up? Did they? You probably know the answers already but I’ll bang it out anyway. The boys already know how I feel about them so I’ll share qualities in each that stood out.
My impressions of brettcajun? Charming and sweet come right to the front. I wasn’t too worried about Brett. I thought we’d hit it off. I did discover he has a naivete which makes him absolutely adorable. And while he tries to act out on his blog, I think he is really a bit shy. This trip was good for him, IMHO. He got a chance to come out of his shell. No judgements or fear of rejection, just a chance to connect w/other gay guys. I hope the honest feedback he got from everyone stays w/him as he returns to the normalcy of home.
And homer? Actually, I was a little worried homer and I wouldn’t connect much. Worried he might find me over the top. I’m glad my assumptions were off the mark. homer is very witty. The classic smart ass mixed in with a wholesome sensability. You don’t quite get that from his blog. He is also very gracious and kind. Traits I always find admirable. (Even though he didn’t fix my toilet as promised. )
Tony (the lurker one. *g*) Tony doesn’t have a blog but has been a regular commentor for months now. And while we all had fun w/him, I don’t really feel I am any more connected to him than I was before. He is very nice in person however, he didn’t really open up much. I’m not sure if that was because I was a bad host or if he is just reserved. I definitely have an extroverted personality. I think Brett and homer fed off of that. I’m left to wonder if that had the opposite affect on Tony. He hung out with us all weekend but I never really heard much from him. I’m hoping all the bloggers he met will spur him into doing his own blog so we can all get to know him better. *I’m not very good at being subtle. You think he’ll get the hint?*
homer and Brett were great houseguests. I think we were all a little nervous but that melted away. In it’s place, friendships were forged. Not only considerate but they were well-behaved and I had no worries about leaving them unattended. They are both welcome back anytime.
The rest is an accounting of our ramblings to help explain some of the pics. Feel free to read or skip. I know you’re just here for the ‘purdy’ pictures.
Continue reading Finito
Courtesy of Chad Fox today.
awwww purdy.
In all the hubub I forgot to mention, I posted the new bio section on the site. I already don’t like it and will probably make changes. It’s up for now.
The last post knocked the wind out of my sails. That night, I went to bed and bawled like a baby until I fell asleep. Don’t be sad though, it was a good cry. A cry that released a lot of pent up shame. These last two days I’ve had such a feeling of relief. The post was a long time coming and truly an eye opener for me. Would I say I’m completely healed? Of course not, but I do think I’m one step closer to being the person I want to become. The odd part is I really didn’t know what I was going to say until I started typing. Once I started, it just flew out of me like some sort of demon. (I’ve always said I’ve got demons all in me, now you know.) Am I perfect? Eee-gads no! Im still a fucked up confliction of traits all jumbling for dominance. I’m still the same flawed fag I was before just with some new insight. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way. (It’s like being crazy, when you are crazy no one gives a shit about a fucking thing you do! 1000 points if anyone knows where that line comes from.)
What have I learned from my little brain fart? Well, for one, I am too hard on myself. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold for others. And while that probably won’t change, at least I recognize and understand it now. I’ve never been a introverted type of person. Self-examination is definitely not my strong suit. But having taken the time to look at myself has really been invigorating. It has given me a new stillness in my center. A stillness I never had before. I guess in a way I reopened some old wounds but I think they will heal up nicely this time instead of festering. I hope I’m making sense here. I never imagined I would discover so much about myself this year. I wanted to make some changes, yeah. But I feel like I’m really breaking new ground. I’m very happy about that.
Continue reading Back Again
This is probably the most significant post I’ll every write here. If you’ve ever wanted a first-hand view of my self-image, now’s your chance. Instead of making this a private post, I’ve decided to share it in an attempt to demonstrate what it is I struggle with. *I warn you, this is going to be a bit long winded so you might wanna grab some coffee.*
Before I start, let me just say thank you to my few faithful readers. Many of you go out of your way on a regular basis to boost my ego. For that, I am eternally grateful. I get many comments, often in private, asking why I am so hard or down on myself all the time. I’ve never really given it much thought until recently. With my growing feelings for someone, I find myself taking a much harder look at myself. Said person inspires me in ways I’ve never felt before. While he may not have my heart yet, he definitely has my admiration, respect, and attention. (And lets face it, keeping my attention is the hard part)
Ok, ok, I’m stalling. Cut me some slack here, I’m nervous. This is not the easiest post to write. The truth is, I’m hard on myself because I feel I have to be. I often see a clear confliction in how I value other’s kindness toward me and mine towards them. I think I understand why now. You see, being the person I am is still a choice for me. I didn’t grew up w/any sort of moral guidance. Kids are supposed to be given some sort of behavioral guideline to follow throughout life. It becomes ingrained as you grow older and eventually becomes the backbone of your convictions. Whether it be based on religious beliefs or accepted societal norms doesn’t matter. In my case, I just don’t feel that happened. I’ve always felt like an empty slate. I learned my perception of right and wrong from distant family, teachers, coaches, etc. Oddly enough, I got a huge chunk of my ideals from TV. I know what a shocker huh?! But, it’s true. I would often find myself emulating good TV stars. Never the bad ones, always the good ones. And I don’t mind telling you trying to ingrain these traits into my id as an adult has not been an easy task.
Among other things, my parents were selfish, petty, shallow, and even dishonest when it suited them. I was often told to do one thing while they did just the opposite. If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know I was NOT fond of my stepmother. In fact, she is the only person I’ve every truly hated. I blame her for a lot of my woes. And it’s not the physical abuse I remember. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. I remember the broken nose, the fists to the head, and the incident causing my deviated septum but the monotony of the daily beatings has faded away.) What I do remember most is living in a state of constant fear. Fear of never knowing what to do right. At best, my days were a confliction of events that left me paralyzed to rationalize my actions. Until finally one day the fear went away. In it’s place was left a cold dark emptiness. A place cold enough to allow me to almost kill my stepmother when I was only 12 years old. (She was a pill addict and I had a brilliant plan to dissolve a whole bottle of vicodin in one of her pepsi bottles. She was also addicted to soda.) I would have gotten away with it too. My father, siblings, relatives, all knew she was an addict. No one would have ever suspected me. I am deeply ashamed of that. I am grateful I never went thru with it. Instead, I continued on in misery.
Even though I couldn’t go through with it, the cold stayed w/me. I was a different person after that. And it scares me to this day. It gave me no qualms over lying, stealing, cheating, or anything else it took to survive. And yes, I have done things I am ashamed of. I can say I’ve never done anything I consider evil. I’m not vindictive. And I’ve never done things to hurt intentionally or out of some twisted sense of fun. But my life isn’t just about survival anymore. Yes, I choose not to be that person. Yet, I find myself plagued w/doubts over my progress. I know that cruel cold person is still inside me. I don’t dwell in it but it’s still there. I still have to choose to be a good person. It is not ingrained yet. And therein lies all my doubts. You are now privy to one of my deepest insecurities. I am in tears as I write this and I offer to you that I am ashamed.
*I had to take a break here. I’m back again…*
With all of that in mind, I still feel like my life has been blessed. As a child, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and shoes on my feet. There are those even in this country who can’t claim the same. Beyond that, there have been several sentinel moments where I felt things could have gone horribly unrepairably wrong. A good example would be my brush with god. (You should read it if you haven’t otherewise, you’ll miss perspective here.) It was a defining moment. That spark has stayed w/me ever since. It’s always there to give me that extra humph to better myself.
I know I’m taking a chance posting this but I don’t care. You wanted to know my perspective on things, well now you do. Comment if you like but it’s not required. It’s taken me over two hours to write this and I’m completely exhausted. I’m going to bed now.
I’ve moved some things around on the blog for aesthetics. How’d I do?
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I was also particularly struck by a recent post by Aaron over at meanwhile on “corporate gays” today. Apparently, he hit a sore spot w/quite a few of his readers. Aaron is a new read for me but so far I’m really enjoying reading some of his insights. Check’em out.
Ok, I’ve gotten a bit behind on my old journal posts. I plead for your mercy. I’ve been a very busy boy. This entry is significantly later on as I got distracted (yeah there’s a surprise) from my journaling.
In this enty, I find myself back in Houston and very happy about it at the time. I’d struggled very hard to make enough money to move as well as buy a car. Probably not the smartest move but it was very symbolic for me. A friend who managed the local bathouse gave me a job working the counter and catering the bbq’s on weekends. My thoughts were still very chaotic and my goals pretty much non-existent. I think I was still hoping for something to just fall it in my lap and make it all better. And while I was still missing the bigger picture, every time I sat down to journal a few more things would come into focus. All was not lost. . .
4.19.98
Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this thing. I haven’t been keeping up like wanted but here I am again making the effort. I have come to a decision. I have no self-control when it comes to choosing what I want to do vs what I need/should be doing. That is something I need to work on a lot!
I’m back in Houston! I am so happy to be back. Even though I’m not working yet, I am still glad to be home. I’ve so missed all of my friends. However, as I feared, I’ve fallen back into alot of my old habits again. I’m trying though. I think I’ve made some very important realizations about myself. Now, I just need to work on the changes. I’ve started studing HTML alot. I need to study even harder if I want to learn it thoroughly. I’m getting concepts down right now and then I want to work on actual application next. I need to have a focus to help increase my self-control. I have no control sometimes when I should. I will work on it.
Continue reading Old Journals – 4.19.98
Thanks for the well-wishes and concerns on the new bike. I’m slowly breaking it in. I went for a ride last night. In a word, SWEET! I had sold my scooter but the guy backed out. No biggie, it’s paid for and I have the space.
As for the safety issues, yeah there is that. However, as Joe pointed out a lot of guys get bikes to increase the perception of coolness, manhood or likability. Not so in my case. I could care less really. I upgraded for a variety of reasons but the biggies were based on practicality.