Category: tech

Giving Up

After an argument today with the bf (or ex-bf I should say), it has become very clear to me he has no desire to reconcile and never has. With that in mind, I have given up any hope of salvaging our 3 1/2 year relationship. Most of my anger last night was over this very revelation. I must confess I’m still mystified as to why he doesn’t even care to try. Today, his only feeble attempt at a reason was “we’ve grown apart.” In the breadth of the last year, we’ve somehow grown apart. I could insert some really mean things here but what’s the point? It won’t change anything and really wouldn’t make me feel any better either.

I also discovered he is rather annoyed that I post my feelings on this blog. Several of our mutual friends, along w/a gaggle of nosey watchdogs, read it and run back to him wanting details. I make no apologies for the way I feel. I’ve said nothing here that I haven’t told him face to face. Is he afraid people will judge him based solely on my comments? If so, that’s his problem. This is my way of working thru the pain and disappointment of being discarded like yesterdays trash. I’ve been there for him thru thick and thin. I encouraged him when he was down and I applauded him when he was up. This is what I get in return. [1]Do I sound bitter here? I think so too After the way he so casually dismissed the life we had together, I’m not even sure I could take him back now.

The only thing left to do now is put it behind me, pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

References

References
↑1 Do I sound bitter here? I think so too

Bad Day

I’m not even sure how to start this one. I’m annoyed enough I could break something. As pathetic as it sounds, I discovered today that several of my ex-partner’s friends keep checking my blog in the sole attempt to report back on my “comments” regarding our split. The stupidity of said people is overwhelming considering I monitor my blog traffic IP addresses and my blog is public. On top of that, my ex seems to think I’m stupid enough to not hear about if from people we know. Not to mention everything on my blog, I’ve said to his face. But enough on that.

So here is a comment for you nosy pests. Yeah we split up. Feel better now? Just itching to swoop in and take my place? My advice to you is go for it!

Me, Oh So Long Ago

Being a typical vain fag, I’m a member of several online gay muscle sites. I’ve gotten alot of requests from guys wanting to know what I looked like before I started working out.

Well folks, seeing is believing! The pic below is me circa 1990. This is me before I knew what working out was all about. (It was also me when I HAD hair).

Moby Circa 1990
As you can see, I’ve changed quite a bit since then. My goal was never to be huge, just bigger. I didn’t actually start working out in earnest until early 2000. I’ve never been one to work out so I could impress others. I got tired of being so damn skinny a good gust a wind could blow me away. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the attention I get now that I’m bigger. That said, when I started working out for my reasons, I stuck w/it. Its become a part of my life that I can’t go without. I don’t live for the gym but I go often.

On a related note, I got the chance to experiment w/a low impact steroid about a year ago after recovering from a bad case of food poisoning. By low impact I mean a pill version w/limited side-effects. While it did give me a really good pump, I found that my sex drive increased exponentially. And while this may sound like a good thing, let me explain. I’ve always had a strong libido. If you know me, you know I ain’t lyin’. So after about 2 weeks, it got to the point where I could not focus on a single task without thinking about sex. When I could get it, where, from who, how often, etc. After a while, it began to affect my daily routine and my job. I know what your thinking…”I’d kill for that” right? Wrong! When it starts affecting your life on a fundamental level, its time to quit. And quit I did.

Afterwards, I did manage to keep a little of the bulk I had gained but not much. What goes up must come down. The same is true for the body. While I peaked performance on the drug, I went thru a dip after coming off of it. My desire for sex evaporated. For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to not be in the mood. I also couldn’t muster the same amount of energy to workout. I’d go for days w/o even going to the gym. After about 2 weeks I leveled out to normal again. I can only imagine what the stronger injectable versions would do to you. Yikes!

So the long and short of it is simple. I’m proof positive anyone can workout and improve their appearance. Its no always easy but, if it was everyone would do it.

Thats my story officer and I’m sticking to it!

Nice & Not So Nice Comments

Thanks to everyone who has sent me such supportive emails. I’m very flattered and truly touched. In a world thats shrinking daily, its nice to see people still care enough to reach out to another soul in trouble. Really made my day reading some of the comments. Of course, thanks go out to my blogging buddy Smitty.

That said, one particular person chose to make some really rude comments out of anger. First off, this is MY blog and I’ll simply delete the comments. DUH! That said, I’ll address your issues anyway. If you ever had any chance of getting back in my good graces, it just went down the tubes w/my breakup. He was the one person who was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt even after all your drama.

Better Today

I seem to be better today. Yesterday just seemed unbearable. Some days are better than others I guess. I think its harder right now because we have to see each other every day. I just have to remember the good parts and try to put the bad behind me I guess….

He isn’t working and has no where else to stay. All my friends say I should kick him to the curb but thats just not how I operate. The revenge I’d get would only be short lived and doesn’t do anything to help the problem. Truth is, I still love him. I just have to realize that I have to let him go and hope he comes back to me before its too late. Either way, I’m moving on w/my life and taking care of myself.

Single Again

Well after 3 years, I am soon to be single again. Its especially hard for me this time because I vested more of myself in this relationship than I ever have before. He was the first person I’d ever been with where I used the term we in my head. I’ve had other ltr’s but in my head, it was always me and this person, never we. He was also someone I pictured growing old with. When we met, he was living in Fresno. So many things clicked. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc. Ironically, neither one was looking for a bf so the clicking just seemed so much more natural.

The trouble started after he moved here. I’m not really sure when but things have been going downhill for months now. I’ve given him room to grow as a person and experience what it is to be out and gay. But maybe my fault was in being too understanding. That said, after some ernest soul searching, I’ve come to realize what I believe to be the problem. Right now he is so focused on all the things he thinks he missed in the last 15 years (before he met me), that’s all he sees. When he sees me, he sees all the things he thinks is holding him back. I also think he will come to regret this decision. I’m just not sure I’ll be there when he does. Being a typical Aquarian, I’m loyal to a fault. Once I make a break though, I rarely go back. I give of myself 100% and when that is rejected, I am never able to reconcile w/a fresh start. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me.

Because so much of our lives are entwined right now, it will be months before we can completely go our separate ways. Hopefully, he’ll wise up. Regardless, I have to move on w/my life. I say this thru tears. It sounds so easy when I sit here and look at it in black and white. However, my heart says something completely different. I’m just so disappointed that things have gone so far downhill. I have to stop now…

Ding Dong The Witch is Dead!

** This was copied from my old journals and I’ve tried to condense it for clarity **

It finally happened! My stepmother is dead! Satan has left us once again for the underworld. May she reign in hell forever undisturbed.

This news is so completely unexpected as she is 10yrs younger than my dad. On top of that, they still don’t know what killed her. She went to bed one night and just didn’t wake up. It was your conscience that killed you, you mean spirited hateful bitch! (Yes, I’m bitter, and I have good reason. If you haven’t read the history, please do so now.)

I just got home from work and I’m so giddy w/laughter I can’t control myself. I know I shouldn’t be happy over someone’s death but I can’t help it. She was the bane of my existence for so long, I can’t help but be happy. She made my life a living hell as a child. Anything cruel or mean she could think of to do to me, she did. It has taken me years to work thru the anguish, feelings of inadequacy, and self-doubt that she instilled within me sometimes daily.

I have such a feeling of relief. As if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My belief is that, for whatever reasons, she was a miserable person in this life. A person who couldn’t be happy so tried to make everyone around her just as miserable as she was. All my puns aside, I hope that she has found some sort of relief from her grief. Maybe in her next life she’ll come back as a gay man adopted by white trash and they’ll kick her to the curb at the ripe age of 14.

I’m going out to celebrate tonight. I plan on getting snockered up real good!

****this is a from a journal entry about a week later****
They discovered what killed my step mother finally. Apparently, she had taken a whole slew of pills again (she was a severe pill addict) and some of the pills interacted and backed up into her esophagus. She basically choked to death in her sleep. Hows that for irony? I still say it was her conscience.