The sun setting on the pride flag in the Castro.
It’s Friday and it was warm and sunny here today. The week was muggy and rainy so a nice way to end it. I’ve been in training all this week. First few days I was training in WMD classes and then the last few teaching fire classes.
I still have one more day to go before my weekend starts however, a happy TGIF to everyone.
I’ve gotten a few emails asking if I was giving up blogging. The answer, NO. I’ve just been a little busy and digesting some of my new found revelations. My post about belonging really did open my eyes a bit and give me better insight into myself. I am still adjusting to that and will do my best to keep you informed of how it radiates out into my life.
I got a nice phone call from brettcajun today. He just called to catch up and chat. He is doing well and adjusting to his new life being single. He is such a sweetheart.
Irony of ironies, my ex called me yesterday and wants to have lunch. Nothing unuusal in that in itself however, he hasn’t called me in months so I’m thinking he wants something. That’s probably a little negative on my part but I do know him pretty well.
My training yesterday dealt with WMD’s. Yes, weapons of mass destruction. All I will say on that, is it is sad that terrorists often use the very freedoms we hold most dear against us. And the argument can and has been made that our government should be allowed to bend and even break those freedoms in the name of protection. I say no, No, NO! Two wrongs never make a right and if anything we end up being not better than the bad guys.
I was struck though by all the really horrible and devastating things we do to each other on this planet in the name of God. If there was an omnipotent figure up there watching, I bet he(or she) is ashamed of us. There is a lot of talk these days of banning religion from government all together. I’ve never been a supporter of that menality as I do believe people have a right to their beliefs and should be respected. However, I’m not so sure anymore. After witnessing the deplorable lengths that so called “christians” go to in this country to force their way of life on everyone, I’m beginning to wonder if that is the answer after all.
*Another long winded internalized view ahead and probably the 2nd most significant post you’ll ever read here. Oh yeah, it’s THAT good.*
I am such a fraking odd bird. I get insight into myself from the oddest things. The other day, I’m watching a commercial on Logo1 for car sales of all things. Being obviously written w/gays in mind the female speaker was making a statement. What she said was so profound [to me] I dropped the remote and just sat down on the sofa in amazement. She was making a short blurb about coming out, etc and then finished with,
. . . fear is what makes us weak but a sense of self and a sense of belonging gives us our strength.
You could have knocked me over with a feather! This paid actress for a stupid car commercial had just summed up the entire struggle of my existence in a few short words!
The fear I’ve known about and have been dealing with for some time now. As illustrated in my previous rather raw post. I’m proud to say the fear is losing though. Yet with all that’s come before in my journey to be a better person, I still overlooked something. I’ve never had a sense of belonging! Hell, I didn’t even know I needed it. Even as a kid it was missing. After my foster mom died, I never really felt like a part of my own family. After leaving home at 14, it was remarkably easy to break my family ties and move on2. Even my being gay didn’t help me to see it. I think I’ve mentioned before how I don’t really ‘fit’ into any particular ‘scene’. I always seem to be on the outskirts of all of them. What I did learn was to support myself. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and even pat myself on the back if need be. I always chalked it up to my own natural resilience.
To my credit, I did finally manage to realize my lack of self. Anyone crazy enough to still be reading me after all this time knows it’s been a hell of a struggle these last 5 years. And I am proud to say I am succeeding on that front too. But, I’ve spent so much effort trying to develop that sense of self, I never even considered I needed a sense of belonging.
I don’t know how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. And my poor id. It has been working overtime trying to show it to me. The unexplained bouts of sadness, the oddly reoccuring need to date, it all makes complete sense now. My life overall is pretty good at the moment. Oh sure, I could be richer, have more muscle or whatever but I’m talking about the important stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated not being able to explain why I still get down at times.
Well, I get it now. I owe it all to a stupid car commercial on the gayest network on television.
2 A broken jaw and two broken ribs will do that to ya.
Get out and VOTE. No matter who you vote for, make you voice heard.
If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. That includes a lack of action.
If these guys can vote, so can you!
homer-The-Archeologist
Matty
The Jim-bo
Joe (someone’s) God!
I’ve sorta been revelling in my new found free time lately. So much so I think I’m making myself sick. I woke up today w/a low grade fever and a sore throat1. I’ve been on the go all weekend. Sorta like the energizer bunny….going, going, and going. Well, this bunny is worn down. I know, my activities are lame compared to some peoples standards but I’m not into all that.
So today, I’m just taking it easy. I do have to get laundry and errands dones so just a low-key slow paced day to recover. I haven’t been eating very good lately either. While I love fast-food, I limit myself to one or two trips a week. Lately, it’s been my mainstay. Time to get back on track. I can’t very well expect results at the gym if I’m only cramming regular unleaded into my system. Nope, It’s Premium only for this body2.
In sort of related news, I joined Zip car today. My roommate uses them all the time so I figured I’d give it a try. If you aren’t familiar with it, basically, they have mini “stations” of cars all over the city3. You log on, reserve one, and then just go pick it up. They cover the gas, insurance, everything. Starting at $8.00 bucks an hour, it’s hard to beat. Especially, when you just need it for errands and don’t need a traditional 24 hour rental. In a city as dense as SF, it goes over well. I’m surprised it took me this long to try it. I’ll let you know how it goes. Today is my first rental for groceries.
The dating bug is biting at me again. I’m not sure why I’m so keenly aware of this part of my life right now. If you read w/any regularity, you know my feelings on dating. You also know my history at such attempts. I’m still puzzeling over this one so I’ll have to get back to you. I do know I’m not feeling the old “whats wrong w/me” pangs. I think I’ve finally grown beyond that. It’s hard to explain w/o having you inside my head. Anyway, once I puzzle it out, I’ll share it.
2Ok, it was a cheesey reference. Shoot me already.
3 They have 3, count’em 3, within just a few blocks of my apartment. I may never order online for Safeway again. hehehehe
With all the news surrounding Haggard in the news right now, a striking revelation hit me. Why is it when bible-thumpers are preaching and bringing their damnation down upon us, we are predators. Yet, someone like Haggard comes out and it’s back to an affliction.
You constantly hear how we are trying to recruit or convert more people to our side1. If it were that easy to convert to being gay don’t you think you’d see a much higher success rate in the reverse? Brainwashing groups liked Exodus2 “claim” they can “cure you” of being gay3. Well, one of my best friends almost killed himself while in their program. Their “cure” is to teach you to hate the world and to hate yourself. Everything has a sinister purpose. You are taught to withdraw and cut yourself off from the world. How in the hell is that healthy? It’s no wonder so many drop out. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. So, it’s a choice. Yet, when someone as respected and widely known as Haggard comes out with “I have been warring against it for all of my adult life“, suddenly it’s not a choice anymore. Suddenly, it’s an affliction again. IMHO, It’s just more double-speak. Double-speak that seems to be taught like a 2nd lanuage when you are religious leader. I hate to admit it but I’m losing more and more respect for the “christian” community. I’ve always been one to “live and let live” however, there is a line approaching in the sand. A line that says “no more”. You can no longer use ignorance and fear to oppress people. And you can no longer hide behind your “religion” as an excuse to relegate whole sections of the population to 2nd class status. You can no longer use “religion” to keep women as slaves. You can no longer use “religion” as a shield to give you cart blance say over those around you.
There is a shift occurring in this country right now. More and more people are shifting away from mainstream religion. And it’s their own fault. Religion is dying not because of gays. It’s dying because its leaders have failed to evolve and keep up. Human beings don’t even relate to each other in the same ways anymore. You can’t use the threat of fire and brimstone to control the masses anymore. You can’t hide behind constant denial of the self. Mark my words. A day is coming and it’s coming soon. We are facing a holy war in this country. But not between the God and the devil. We are facing a war between ourselves. The “right” that allows us to spread hate and the “right” that refuse to put up with such behavior.
2 I refuse to even link to such stupidity.
3 What they neglect to tell you is there obismal success rate.
The follow up to my previous rant….
(San Francisco, California) Mayor Gavin Newsom says he is considering canceling the Castro district’s annual Halloween festivities in the future after a shooting wounded nine people and left another person injured in the ensuing panic.
If you haven’t heard by now, there was several shootings at the Halloween event in the Castro last night. Today, the story is making nice soundbites across the blogosphere. If you read this blog on a regular basis you know where my insight comes from.
“Halloween in the Castro” used to be a really fantastic slice of San Francisco attended primarily by the neighborhood’s local gay/lesbian community. Over recent years the event has become a spectator event with 80% of current attendees from out of town. Since 2002, much violence has resulted, ruining this once-special event.
While I am a huge fan of Halloween, I hope they cancel the event next year. I hope they increase the police presence and flat out turn people away. Call me a party-pooper but at least folks won’t get hurt for just trying to have some good old fashioned fun. The event is no longer about the neighborhood getting together for a night of innocent revelling. Instead, it’s a bunch of condescending outsiders looking for an excuse to cause mayhem. Well, here’s your sign. We don’t want you. If you can’t behave like a civilized human being, stay your ass at home and cause grief in your own neighborhoods.
Two wrongs don’t make a right but I can’t help it. My grandmother was a big believer in an “eye for an eye”. I don’t condone violence however, it’s times like these that make me doubt that conviction. Sometimes a good ass-whoopin’ is the only way to get thru to a pig-headed fool.