Last Word

*I’m a bit long winded today so you might want to skip down for the more random stuff.*

I got a delivery from my friend ex-friend last night. I had bought him a nice coat for his birthday before our last falling out. I guess he thought returning it would hurt my feelings. I gave the jacket to the first homeless guy I saw on the street. He also left a note w/it. I didn’t bother to read it. It went into the shredder unopened. Why, you ask? Because, I know him much better than he knows himself. Or more astutely, I see him objectively. I can almost recite what was in it. (ticking off the fingers)

  • Some reference to a recent wrong I inflicted on him in compensation for the reason I was angry w/him.
  • Complete denial that he is in anyway wrong.
  • Along w/that would come some analogy of how horrible a person I am.
  • What a horrible friend I’ve been. Yeah, that sounds about right. (I keep asking if I am such a horrible friend why does he keep trying? I never got an answer. Is it because I’m the only friend he has? Yeah, the truth can be painful.)
  • And littered thru the accusations would be hateful mean comments only meant to hurt my feelings. Comments about things only friends know.

That about sums it up. The last two times we had this sort of falling out (oh yeah, there have been many over the years) it was the same. Whether thru emails, hand-written notes, phone messages, etc. Of course, every time I forgave him he’d end up admitting I was right. Until the next time, then we start all over again.

Knowing him the way I do, it takes the sting out of the words. It’s just an attempt to hurt me the way he thinks I hurt him. And rather than engage in the back and worth battle of hurtful speech, I often choose to avoid all contact. Call it a survival mechanism if you will. I just don’t wanna do it anymore.

But therein lies the heart of my rant today. I can’t help but see a distinct pattern between my break-up w/the ex and my fight w/my friend. In both instances, I believe I contributed to the problem by enabling them to continue their destructive behaviors. Seeing the reason behind the actions, I try to be understanding and accepting. Am I being too forgiving? I mean where should I draw the line?

Physical violence? Had that w/both of them.
Lack of concern or indifference to my needs? Check.
Hateful mean comments? Had that too.

Now, I’m left asking myself why this keeps happening to me. When do you stop forgiving someone? How many times must you go thru the same thing before enough is enough? Should I be more selfish? Should I just be a hateful evil bitch like so many others around me? Should I just scrape off any concern for anyone beyond myself? Should I just avoid my problems and immerse myself in a world of drugs and tricks?

Or should I look at this as a final chapter in the beginnings of my life? The last tie to a persona almost dead and gone. I’ll be 35 years old in just 24 short days. I’ve grown a lot in those 35 years. I still have a lot to go though. I can still be incredibly insecure at times. That insecurity tells me I’m not done maturing. I have to move beyond it if I’m to realize my potential.

Getting back to my ex friend, I know this isn’t over for him. He’ll stew in his juices for awhile. When I don’t respond, he’ll find some other way to make contact. I asked him not to read my blog anymore but I know he probably does. But here’s where I get selfish. No more. The struggle has to end sometime and it’s now.

Technical Difficulties

I somehow managed to delete my sciber.net domain. Don’t ask me how cause I’m still clueless. However, logged on today and discovered it was gone. Along w/it the 11 email accounts based on the extension.

@#$%!

Luckily enough, I don’t really use the domain that much anymore. I’ve migrated everything over to mobius.name. I keep it only to maintain some email accounts that I don’t yet wish to cancel or migrate. My ex still uses two of the email addresses based on this domain so I had to send him a long-winded later explaining what happened. He probably could care less as long as they start working again.

Everything is setup again. I’m still not sure what happened. If you still use my old blog email account using sciber.net, now is a good time to switch over. (Look in the bottom right column for the accurate one.) I don’t think anyone uses it but just in case….

Happy Holidays

This week has flown by! Overtime at dispatch on Monday, last day of class Tuesday (only a few hours for paperwork, etc), then dinner w/the ex that night (more on that later) and 14 hours on an ambulance on Wednesday. (Oy! was I tired. )

Last night, went to an xmas party for one of the sargents at work. It was also his 50th birthday so a good time was had by all. I got to meet his new live in boyfriend…my they are moving fast.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday!

Fuzzy Wuzzy

I’m doing some OT today and on fire side so nice and slow.

I’ve decided to grow a beard. Not a full out bear beard but more of a short cropped fuzz beard. I’ve never really cared for heavy beards. Too much hair takes away from the face and the eyes I think. Goatee’s on the other hand are a big turn-on. I’ve had mine for almost 10 years now and I really enjoy it.

I’m not sure why I’m on the fur bender lately. Maybe because I might have to shave it all off pretty soon. Maybe I’m just getting older and liking the fur. I’ll post a pic when it’s a decent length.

Ups & Downs

Every day has’em and today was a doozy.

The day starts off w/Xmas cards from hell! I had a battle w/the software I use to print stamps. I lost! If you get a xmas card from me you’ll see. Oy!

Not a mood-killer mind you but I guess it was a sign of things to come.

It’s very muggy here right now. Typical for this time of year. Today, was thunderstorm weather. Unusual for here but not for a southern boy like myself. If you live in the South, the only rain you get is usually in the form of a thunderstorm. So, I’m leaving for work (on the moped aka BLUE) only to get drenched just two blocks from home. I was late to work as I had to come home and change. I get downstairs afterwards and not a drop is falling from the sky!

At this point, I’m thinking “What in gay hell did I do to deserve this?”

Work was fucked-up as expected. My trainee is doing ok but still a bit slow. Of course, every idiot with a car was out driving. Add to that, the thunderstorm was flooding and knocking out power everywhere. You can begin to see the pretty picture that was my day. Oh but there is more. My lunchtime rolls around, I walk down to to the local grub stand for some food. No biggie. On the way back, my the bag disintergrates from an opened soda inside. (A soda, I didn’t order)

Now I’m thinking. “Jeez! What kind of bad karma did I build to deserve this shit.”

However, I’m happy to report, w/the shit comes the shine. Today is my Friday so I got off an hour early. (Always a bonus) I’m walking home; the weather has cleared up by now. It’s just after dusk, the streets are starting to dry and as often happens after a big storm, everything seems fresh and clean. The air is crisp and clear. The sidewalks are clean and the tempurature is a balmy 65 degrees! Ah! . . . I had the urge to walk thru a cemetary. ( I know, weird but I’ve always found cemetaries to be so calming.) Anyway, I was instantly in a better mood.

I get home to discover the new apartment I was thinking of taking has panned out. I’ll be taking it at the end of January. A little further away from work than I wanted but in the Castro. walking distance to everything, cheaper laundry, my own parking space included and I get my choice of bedrooms.

I also noticed the jacuzzi was fixed so I had a nice long soak to wash away the day’s stress. NICE! (The jacuzzi is the one thing I’ll miss about this building.)

Now, I’m sitting her (naked w/a towel over my head, don’t ask.) writing about my shitty but not so shitty day.

And how was your day?

Reflection

People keep asking “how I’m doing?”

I guess w/the holidays upon us friends are worried I’m depressed over being single this year. (In case you wondering WTF? I split w/my ex of 4 years last December). My answer is simple, I’m fine. I’ve realized I don’t necessarily need someone else in my life to feel complete. I’m also not of the mindset that the holiday has to always be this picture of sappy happiness.

I am greatful, however, for my good fortunes this season. My life is more on track that it’s been in a very long time. I have goals that I’m actively pursuing. The feeling of accomplishment makes me giddy at times. So, I should wallow in self-pity because I don’t have a boyfriend?

I’ll pass, thanks.

There are many people who have no reason to be happy this year. Many more are struggling just to get food on the table. Looking at it that way really gives one a sense of perspective. If your life is in the shitter this season, it could be worse. You could have a house on your back and someone could be trying to steal your shoes.

Insurgent Thoughts

Nothing to rant about at the moment so I’m sharing some thoughts…

I, too, love cheesey-poofs!

For all the hype over Brokenback Mountain, I’d better be masturbating by the end

I don’t care how fabulous your blog is, don’t ask me to vote for you.

George Bush Blows

If you need instructions on a condom wrapper, you shouldn’t breed.

Did I mention, I’m an EMT now?

I love my tivo.

Tacos really are better w/salsa

Ford Tough!? NOT!

I love you too, now bend over.

Movie Madness

I squeezed in a couple of flicks over the weekend. I went to see Narnia the other night. I never read the book as a kid as it had some religious overtones I didn’t care for. I would have skipped the movie all together but I heard a dirty rumor they took the religous references out. Apparently, that little re-write caused some scandals. Obviously, curiosity got the better of me. I was really pleased with the “converted” version of the movie. Not knowing what the exact religious overtones were, I found some striking metaphysical references in the movie. The whole “deep magic” storyline had me hooked. With the plot came some very good special effects. In my opinion, Tilda Swinton stole the movie in her role as the White Witch Jadis. Tilda has this graceful screen presence that makes her instantly likeable, even as a bad character.

And, I’m just back from watching the new King Kong and I was very impressed w/it as well. I highly recommend it if you were (are) a King Kong fan. I was more into Godzillas as a kid but like King Kong too. They did a great job of updating it w/special affects w/o sacrificing the plot. There were a few changes here and there but overall fantastic. I missed the snake scene from the original though. That was my favorite part in the original. However, they did replace it w/a really great T-Rex battle.

Two thumbs up for both movies!

On a side note, I got to see a new preview for X-men III. I almost shit my pants. It looks fan-fucking-tastic! Guess who comes back from the dead? hehehe