Category: humor

Pressed

I was overcome w/nostalgia the other day while perusing the local Tar-gay. [1]Target

It was the funniest thing. I saw a guy checking out who had on a pair of pressed blue jeans. And by pressed, I mean they were starched and ironed. Is this a thing anymore? Was it every a thing anywhere besides the south? I grew up where it was routine to see folks in pressed jeans. It was a way of being ‘dressy’ w/o wearing actual dress clothes. It often came with a very large pressed shirt, of the country variety, as well.

I saw the guy and a flood of memories hit me. It was like I was back in high school. Random scenes flashed before my eyes of different folks wearing pressed jeans. Students weren’t the only ones either. I remember plenty of faculty who also wore them to football games, public speaking events, class, etc. While girls tended to wear them more regularly, plenty of guys wore them as their dressy attire.

I remember one guy who wore them all the time. He always said he liked the way they felt against his skin. There are so many ironies apparent to me now of course. One, he wore them w/o undies and his jeans were often skin tight. Two, they still weren’t very revealing. Three, while he was straight (and I believed he was), you could often catch him grabbing himself front and back to lift them up tighter. I could see it in my mind as if he had been standing right in front of me at the store. I could even smell the faint smell of his stetson cologne, of which he often bathed in. I’m sure the fact that he had a very round backside had nothing to do with why I remember him specifically. hehe

Another prevalent memory revolved around an Ag teacher who was famous for having all his junk pushed to one side of his jeans. [2]And it was an impressive display He was ‘straight’ and was routinely the topic of various gossip groups, teachers and students alike. But he loved his jeans pressed. I can’t think of a time actually that I ever saw him anywhere w/o his pressed jeans.

Anyway, it gave me a giggle. I hadn’t thought of it in years. I didn’t realize people still did it.

References

References
↑1 Target
↑2 And it was an impressive display

Smooshed

You know what a "smooshed sammich" is right? I was running late the other day and my coworker happened to see me making a smooshed sandwich and was very confused.

She asked why I was smooshing my sandwich. I’m like, "haven’t you ever made a smooshed sammich?"

*Quizzical looks from coworker*

It is a sandwhich you throw together, usually just meat and cheese and you smoosh it so it will stay together while you eat it. Usually a person is moving or active so the idea is to make it smooshed on purpose. ​

My coworker thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

Clearly, she didn’t grow up poor or anywhere Southern. heehee

I’m just curious how many of you reading this knew what is was? ​

Bait

No, I’m not dredging up stories of child hood fishing trips or late night trolling for booty. I am referring to the out of control click-bait you see polluting most social media sites these days.

Headlines are written to provoke a click. It doesn’t matter if the headline isn’t true or so twisted to barely represent the story, as long as you ‘submit’. [1]Reference to a very funny Simpsons episode btw Most of the time said person sharing the click-bait hasn’t even read the link. It it is annoying to the point that I’ve started unfollowing people who do it a lot.

It is one thing if it is specifically related to you or your life. Beyond that, I don’t care what animal you are. I don’t care what cartoon character you are. I don’t care what your wanna be porn name is. I don’t care what character in any movie ever made is. I don’t care if you are a unicorn who burps glitter and shits rainbows. And here is a news flash, no one else does either!

And you people who share fake stories or scams “just to be safe” need to be punched in the dick!  Knock. It. Off!  No Bill Gates and Yahoo are not joining forces. No, the IRS is not sending the sheriffs to your house to arrest you unless you send them money. No, the quadrillionaire in [insert county here] did not die and leave all his money in limbo so his [insert relative or estated holder] can ask your help in getting the money. No, VI@gR@ will not help you ‘get the girl.’ No, “if you are a real ______, you will share this like I did.”  And for fuck’s sake, NO YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A LOT OF MONEY BY MAGIC IF YOU POST THIS TO 10 OTHER PEOPLE’S PROFILES.

Now get off my lawn!

References

References
↑1 Reference to a very funny Simpsons episode btw

Ever

Have you every been randomly walking and you see someone ahead of you and you see them enough to think, “hmmm, that looks interesting?”

You deliberately speed up your walking to try and catch up with the person for a better look.

It takes you a bit but you keep at it. I mean you don’t want to be too obvious or look like a stalker.

You get closer, things are still looking good.

You get close enough for a really good look and then think, “oh, well that was not what I expected” and feel totally embarrassed and even a little guilty.

Has that every happened to you? No?

Yeah, me neither.

🙂

Weird

I had a very bizarre nightmare the other day. It left me restless and agitated for the rest of the day. I’m not prone to nightmares but when I do get them, they are often very vivid and intense. It must have been a weird star alignment because Cooper had woken us up at one point with his barking. [1]He only barks when he sleeps and clearly his barks weren’t happy barks. Turns out, The Pup had also had bad dreams that night. I’m not overly superstitious but I’ll admit all three of us having bad dreams on the same night left me shaken the whole day. I kept waiting for something awful to happen as if it had been an omen.

I like to think I don’t have many hidden fears so I’m less prone to act them out in my sleep. I can’t say with any fact if that’s true but considering this particular dream, I am inclined to believe it. It involved The Pup leaving me. And while things are rock solid between us, and have been since we met, I guess I still have some lingering fear over it. I woke up and my face was wet so I’d obviously been crying in my sleep. It was weird because I could feel him next to me, even in sleep. We both tend to toss and turn so my body knew he was there. When I woke up, I guess we’d rolled away from each other at just the most inopportune moment as I no longer felt him touching me and since he left me in the dream, I had to physically make sure he was still in bed with me. It was a very surreal and scary feeling.

It was even more bizarre in that I was running for President. Yeah, you read it right. lolol I didn’t really want to run as I felt I had too many skeletons in my closet. But the more I tried not to run, the more popular I became and the more The Pup was unhappy with me. He didn’t want to have to share me with the world and the day I got elected president, he left me.

He and I laughed over it later when we had time to discuss it.

References

References
↑1 He only barks when he sleeps and clearly his barks weren’t happy barks.

Freeze

My workspace at work is always an ice box. [1]That’s slang for refrigerator for you young’ens We have this awesome temp control system that allows to control the temperature in virtually every room but mine. lol  The space I work in and the space next to me used to be one big room. After a reconfiguration project a few years ago, it was split in two. That’s great but now the temp controls for the other side no longer effects my side. So I work in this nether space of frozen Tundra temperatures. Someone made a conscious decision to not include this little space because all the temp sensors have been removed. Seriously?! lol

My workstation has a little Johnson control heater which is usually enough to off-set the worst of it. But on days like today, it’s just a polar zone up in here. brrrrrr. I keep an extra warm up on the back of my chair so I can bundle up. If you see updates on Google, Twitter, or FB that ramble off into one or two letters, call 911, I’ve frozen to death.

References

References
↑1 That’s slang for refrigerator for you young’ens

Even

Continuing in my random thought rants, and for you beard/mustache groomers out there, ever get that perfect self cut or trim? Ain’t it grand?
image

I was trimming my wiry beard and shaving my neck fuzz the other day and I got the perfect trim to it. Yes, I know, riveting news! hehehe  I never seem to shave both sides evenly. One side always looks a tiny bit off and no matter how hard I try, it only seems to make it worse. One side is either lower or seems to have a dent in the shave line. That or the line angle along my jaw always seems a bit off. [1]I shave from under my goatee outwards  Of course, no one ever notices it. It’s always tiny deviations that I only seem to notice.

Well, the other day I got it perfect! The width was the same, the lines were even and angled the same. I was so proud of my little endeavor. Can I get an ‘amen’?  heehee

References

References
↑1 I shave from under my goatee outwards

No 1

On a total random vein of thought and this is not a post about how fabulous I think I am. (Unlike a certain other blogger we all know….*cough Brettcajun cough*) No, today’s rant is a gross-fascination sort of topic. You know, one of those things ya usually don’t talk about it but it’s oddly fascinating to think about.

So how often do you find yourself in a situation where you start No 1 and then suddenly realize you need to do No 2? I’m sure who know where this is headed. heehee

Do you finish the No 1 before attempting No 2 or do you stop it mid-stream? Of course, this begs the question, do you zip up completely before adjourning to the porcelain throne or do you just walk on over with your bait and tackle dangling?

Even better, what do you do if it’s a public restroom and someone else is occupying it with you? Do you zip up and just stroll on over while they’re there? Or do you take a really loooong hand wash until they leave and then hit the stall?

Yes, it is burning questions like these the occupy my thoughts from time to time.

Inquire

I got a lot of inquires after my smitten post. I’m glad so many of you are eager to see my love life improve. hehehe It is still very new and I’m not a lesbian so don’t expect wedding bells anytime soon. But we are enjoying where things are headed.

Some of the guesses were cray-cray. Everything from Apple guy to my roomie got thrown in a as guess. lol Someone even asked if I was reuniting with my old roomie that moved to NY. The latter packs a huge amount of irony. I’m sure we’ll come clean soon. We aren’t hiding it as much as just being cautious. It seems we are almost to a point of throwing caution to the wind and just seeing how things. go. Anyway, if you follow me on Facebook, you’ve already seen who it is as he recently updated our status.

On a somewhat related tangent, I had a regular “buddy” get very upset with me over the revelation. Apparently, he had designs on me and was more than a little miffed. I could only explain I didn’t feel that way about him but it didn’t really seem to help. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m sure he’ll come around but honestly, not my issue. I’ve always been honest/upfront with him about things.

The connection that the pup (my nickname for him) and I have is interesting. He seems to ‘get’ me in ways I’m not really accustomed to. Without explaining to him, he just seems to understand and even appreciate my view on many things. It is quite refreshing.

On the flip side, I think I’m the first guy he’s ever been connected to who hasn’t put a bunch of restrictions or controls on him. I have no desire to mold him in an image I want, nor am I trying to limit him out of fear. He is his own man and I respect and accept that. If things are to ever get serious between us it would have to be because it was right and it worked, not because he conformed to my way of things or I his. I don’t want a clone or a servant, I want an equal with his own mind. Now his being slightly more submissive in certain ways certainly turns my crank but that is a story for another day!

I told myself after Apple guy no more LTR’s unless I’m 100% sure it is for life. Granted no one could ever be really sure of such a thing, but I’ll be damned if I put myself thru another LTR that ends within 5 years. Nor am I sticking with it out some left over childish need to validate previously conquered inner-demons. Of course, if I had stuck to my own axioms regarding LTRs, the last one would have never happened. So in some ways, I have only myself to blame for it’s colossal failure.

I can’t say for sure where this is headed. Even if it turns out to be dud on the LTR front, I hope to continue being his friend. We’ve both promised each other that we will both work to maintain a friendship if we decide an LTR is not to our mutual benefit. Regardless of our status, he is special to me and I’d like to keep that.

Hope springs eternal…

Review

Let’s look at the week in review shall we?

Woke up an equal citizen, liked it.

Forked over a grand for the cruise, sort of liked it.

Got an offer to do porn, declined (again).

Smashed my finger at the gym, ouch!

Got an offer to do a porn star, accepted.

Got blurry vision at work, annoyed.

Said the L-word repeatedly, to Cooper.

Finished 3 projects at work, none of which were due.

Told I was going to hell, replied – I’m earning my ticket.

Cut up 6 old shirts into gym shirts, yay!

I’m 3lbs away from breaking 200 lbs again, very excited.

and…

Discovered dog vomit dries into a crispy stinky mass, not pleasant.

*

How was your week?