Category: humor

Humor

So this should put a smile on a few faces. First, I almost ran over an old lady this morning. (No that is not the funny part.) The funny part is what caused it. I’m only a few miles from work so my commute is almost entirely on neighborhood streets. I pull up to a stop sign this morning and I eyeball this total hottie walking across the street. I’m literally straining my neck to turn and watch him saunter away. I’m staring so hard I almost run over an old lady in the cross walk.

I’m totally shocked, flustered, and surprised all at the same time. I flip open my visor and ask if she is ok as I apologize profusely. I didn’t make any contact with her but I’m still freaking out over it. She is fine, she thanks me for my concern and politely tells me to may a little more attention.

As she walks away and I’m about to flip down my helmet visor, she turns and says, “he was pretty good looking though wasn’t he?“

Belly

Apparently, I have a habit that is a carry over from childhood. lol

While at the movies the other day, a friend and I had to relieve ourselves after the movie. I can’t just unzip. I have to unbuckle, unzip, and basically open the fly to do my business. After said business is done, I tend to hike up my shirt so I can close up shop, so to speak. I was told that my habit of hiking up my shirt to my chest is something only kids do.

Having never though about it, I just laughed and shrugged it off. Well, after pondering on it for awhile, I couldn’t seem to place any other adults doing it the way I did. Who knew? I didn’t know it was not a very adult thing to do. I mean no one has ever commented on it before so how would I? Of course, now I find I’m self-conscious about it. hehehe. I guess I’ll have to be mindful while in public to behave in a manner suiting an adult. hehehe

Jig

While some people hide embarrassing moments, I tend not to. And since I wasn’t really embarrassed I guess no worries there either.

So I’m at the gym recently. I was in a bit of a cornball mood so I’m feeling my music. I always work out blasting Spotify or Google music thru my headphones. As sometimes happens, I had to take restroom break. I enter the upstairs restroom enjoying my tunes. One of my fave dance songs came on right at that moment so naturally I start dancing a little jig. Well, in my exuberance I neglected to lock the bathroom door. I’m full swing into  dancing my jig when someone opens the door! It was funny because I think he was actually embarrassed for me! lol He sort of started to apologize then saw my grin and stopped mid attempt. I shrugged it off and politely asked if I could finish my business. He obliged. I finished what I went in there for and continued with my workout.

It gets better. He happens to be next to me a little later working out. He sees me grinning like a devil so feels ok to chat about it. He proceeds to ask me why I wasn’t embarrassed. Feeling a bit cocky,  my first crooked thought was to say, “have you seen this?” and point to myself. Even for me that would have been over the top and really not my style so I quickly discarded the idea. Instead, I just explained I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad so why feel embarrassed? I was dancing a jig and enjoying myself. He laughed w/me and we split ways to finish our respective workouts.

After I thought about it, I figured most folks would have been completely embarrassed in such an unexpected interruption to what was intended to be a private moment. I laughed at the humor of it. I’m just nuts like that I guess.

Apparent

Apparently, I’m the only one that decided to be available to work on our project today. But, since I don’t have the authority to assign myself new tasks I was left tweaking several already completed tasks. On the way out yesterday, one of the project leads asked me if I could this, this, and this. She was clearly asking me to do it so she didn’t have to. Do they think me stupid? I can tell when I’m being given a shit assignment. lol I totally didn’t mind though. It took minutes to complete each one.

Apparently, I’m also the only one that kept notes about the day to day usage vs who was whining about what. So now everyone wants MY notes to brush up on. lol And to be clear here, I’m not bitching, I’m just being a dork. I like this sort of stuff so I’m content.

Apparently, I can keep a lot in my head off of one or two line item notes. Each line turned into 2 & 3 paragraphs of text when I started cleaning up my notes and condensing them into cohesive thoughts. What started as maybe 20 lines of notes ended up spread out over 24 paragraphs of documentation. Everyone keeps saying, ‘oh my god, how did you keep up with all that while it was going on?‘  Uh, um…well I listened for one. Two, since I already know the code, tech, and the purpose as a user I can pretty much tell you everything that needs to be accomplished and how to do it. Me thinks maybe I should be the project manager…

Apparently, the powers that be above me decided it was too much to ask us to clone and edit command codes from the old system to the new one. This was one of the parts I was eagerly looking forward to. I’m bummed they actually convinced the developer to do it for free.

Apparently, it’s Friday and I’m ready to get the hell out of here!

Have a good weekend all.

Ragged

Why is it that guys wear torn, ratty clothing to the gym? Do they think it gives them more “street cred” as a meathead or something? Granted I don’t wear new clothes to the gym but I don’t go looking like a street person. I’m not judging, I’m just curious what the point is. And I’m not talking about shirts or shorts cut for more room or flexibility.

I often see one guy who’s clothing is so torn it is falling off of him. Don’t get me started on his other gym habits. While he does have some bulk, it’s a bit disconcerting. I guess I should be pleased he isn’t like the other ancient guy who’s shorts are so short his balls are usually hanging out.

What do you wear to your local sweat box?

Poke

No, not what you’re thinking. However, have you logged in here lately? Moving on.

Being in a multi-device, multi-OS household, am I the only one that sometimes forgets you can’t reach up and tap the screen on your laptop or computer to move the cursor? lolol

I catch myself doing this all the time now. I’ll be on the laptop and trying to move the cursor and without thinking I’ll tap the screen expecting it to jump to my finger. I seem to be doing it more and more lately. I’ve gotten so used to being on the phone or the iPad, I’m totally conditioned to just tapping.

*tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on? 

Q & A

I often get questions by email on a variety of subjects. I try to reply when I can but I don’t always get the time. I thought I’d post a few recent ones that sort of made me laugh. I’ve included my reply, where applicable. Enjoy!

 

Q. Why are you gay? God created Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve. [1]Typos corrected.

A. Dear anonymous commenter. Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, you are using an out-dated version of Human v1.0. Please upgrade to our more enlightened and educated Human v2.0. This should solve your problems.

 

Q. Why do you still blog. Blogging is old news.

A. Because I can.

 

Q. Why are you not more manly like that guy Brett.

A. *After recovering from fit of laughter*. If your IP didn’t resolve to 4 states away, I’d accuse you of BEING Brett. Since you aren’t, we have a different view of what makes a man manly.

 

Q. Will you marry me?

A. Yes, just as soon as I win the lotto jackpot.

 

Q. How big is your c*ck?

A.

 

Q.  I never see any of your private posts, did you discontinue them?

A. Having checked your comment, you aren’t logged in. You have to be logged in first. I also haven’t been doing that many of them. I’ve started again.

 

Q. Where did you rescue Little Cooper?

A. Northern California Bulldog Rescue. If you don’t live in the area, you can google your own area. There are a plethora of sites online the specialize in bulldog rescue.

References

References
↑1 Typos corrected.

Ya Know…

…you live in San Francisco when:

the homeless have specific requests on the amount of money or type of food they want.

someone says, ‘let’s go to the beach‘ and you grab a hoodie.

you see a naked guy walking down the st and no one even blinks.

your bingo host is a drag queen named Bob.

your pastor is a drag queen named Bob.

you can give directions to anywhere in the City w/o mentioning a freeway.

every hill is a different neighborhood.

you feel like you need a passport to drive over a bridge.

Advice

Ever watch a straight guy in a gay environment? They usually fall into three categories. One, is the obvious freak-the-fuck-out guy. He’s an idiot and we don’t need to talk about him. Two, there is the guy who is completely comfortable with it and usually his own sexuality as well. Three, and my favorite, is the guy totally out of his element and trying his hardest not to show it.

I’ll admit we don’t get many of number three in the gaborhood that often. But as the gentrification of the Castro continues, I’m beginning to see more of them. As soon as the straight women show up, the guys are not far behind. heehee Anyway, today I’m watching this guy walk [1]and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus down the street with his girl. She is oblivious to his mounting frustration but seems to be enjoying the new found attention. The guy is trying his hardest not to look uncomfortable. He is taking everything in while trying to maintain that look of disinterest. I must admit it’s cracking me up. I’ve watched them for almost a block now and he has a vice grip on her hand and has already kissed her 3 times. lol Mind you all the while his eyes have been on every storefront and every guy walking by. If it wasn’t so funny I’d feel sorry for him. As I type this he just saw a male couple kissing and he can’t take his eyes off’em!

Oh, and before I move on I should mention I don’t get the slightest gay vibe from him. Not that that means anything. My point is I don’t think he is living in the closet. You can clearly tell the guy is fascinated. OH! He just caught me watching. Damn…my covers been blown. OH well, it was fun while it lasted. He has ‘suddenly’ lost interest in the couple’s kissing and is dragging his girlie past my line of sight. He gets props for being such a good trooper. I’m sure given time and repeated exposure, he’ll be a well-adjusted hetero who understands it really isn’t that much different.

In the meantime, for my few (if any) straight guy readers, let me give you some advice. First, don’t go overboard trying to distinguish your ‘straightness.’ You just end up looking the fool. Be yourself. And while you’re girl of the moment may enjoy the new found attentions, don’t go overboard with the affections. Gay or straight, too much PDAs [2]public display of affection just looks trashy. Contrary to old stereotypes, our neighborhoods aren’t not stop orgies. Sure you might get oggled or flirted with but that’s human nature. Be flattered someone finds you attractive. It doesn’t threaten your own masculinity or sexuality. No one is gonna grab you and try to molest you. Well I say that but if you’re in a cruisy bar all bets are off. lol Second, it’s ok to look. Seriously, we don’t mind. Show off your willingness to expand your boundaries. You’ll look cooler and you’ll probably learn a lot. Lastly, welcome to the ‘hood. In no time you’ll be ignoring the drag queens, naked guys, and explicit store fronts just like the rest of us!

References

References
↑1 and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus
↑2 public display of affection

Nekkid

*This is not necessarily a NSFW post but is a bit of an adult subject. Coworkers and folks who don’t want TMI should probably skip it.*

Ever have someone ignore you repeatedly until they see you naked?

I’ve had a crush on a guy from around town for years now, pretty much ever since I moved to SF. He’s hawt! And as the saying goes, ‘I’d drink his bath water!‘ lolol  Annnnnyway, I’d always try to flirt or find little ways to engage him in conversation. He has never been rude or ugly but has also never indicated any interest either. While I try not to be overbearing, I’m pretty sure he has known for awhile I had the hots for him.

We don’t really travel in the same circle so we don’t see each other that often. Being as small as SF is as a city, one is always bound to cross paths. A few weeks back, he happened to be working out at the gym while I was there. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to flirt with him. I always say hi and acknowledge his presence but that’s about as far as I’ve gone in the last few years.

Why is it after he sees me naked in the shower [1]and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty he suddenly takes a liking to me? And I mean all up in my grill sort of liking. He seeks me out now and actively tries to engage me in conversation. And the flirting from his end has certainly picked up.

I know from around town he hasn’t had any relationship status changes so that can’t be it. I still pretty much look and act the same. I will admit to being a tad more muscular than when I first moved to SF, but nothing earth-shattering. lol I’m left to assume because he suddenly saw other parts of my anatomy his interest has shifted. I find myself a bit put off by that. How’s that for irony?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in situations where someone’s interest might suddenly shift upon said discovery. But that is also usually a more abrupt discovery. This has been pretty much a decade in the making. I can certainly feel flattered but it doesn’t really add up. I’m no slouch in that dept but it’s not something I would consider awe-inspiring. [2]Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!  I mean if you really aren’t that interested I can’t see how THAT would really make that much of a difference.

So, dear readers, I’m curious. How often has the size of the man-parts changed your interest in someone?

References

References
↑1 and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty
↑2 Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!