46

Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve crossed the threshold. Now that I’m 46 I’m closer to 50 than 40. In gay culture, I’m officially ancient. hehehe  It doesn’t help that my birthday is on inauguration day. I promptly did my best to avoid that shit show! It wasn’t easy considering all the protests.

I don’t get sad or depressed on my birthday. I never quiet understood that but it hasn’t happened to me. I certainly hope it never does. Anyway, Shawn was actually away on work. I was off on the big day but my co-workers made me a whole batch of oatmeal raisin cookies at work. They know my weakness. And yes I ate them all in 2 days. Time to do more cardio.

The big day was pretty quiet. I spent time with da Cooper and just being a home body. I made it to Starbucks to get my freebie drink. Shawn was away for work but came home early Saturday. He booked tickets for us to go see Kathy Griffin! I love me some Kathy G and have been to her shows several times. She was hilarious as ever. She is starting a new tour and was trying out new material. Her show ran long which was a blessing as it was raining cats and dogs all damn evening. One new element was a lot of new references to older hollywood stars. A big part of her schtick is calling out famous celebrities and if you’re under 30 many of the jokes and stories might be lost on you this tour. Being a geezer now of course, I got most of them. hehehe  She was funny and irreverant as ever. It was a great gift.

Shawn got me one more gift in Sharks tickets. We went this past Thusday for a home game down in San Jose. Hockey is one of the only sports I truly enjoy. I enjoy it enough I’ll even watch it on tv. Live games are always great. Shawn thought it would make a nice gift for me, and he was right. I actually used to go a lot when I first moved to SF. The problem is San Jose is at least an hour and half away by car. You can make it in just over an hour by train if you catch the bullet. Sadly, the only trains back aren’t bullets and it’s an hour and half home. It’s an effort to get off work in time to get down to SJ in time for the game. I just slowly stopped going as the effort was just too much. But, it is a fun event and I like that Shawn has an interest in hockey and we can enjoy it together. Anway, the game was pretty good even though the Sharks ended up losing. They are top of their Division right now and doing really well in the Westeren Conference as well.

As mentioned above, I am not saddened as I get older. In some ways I’m fortunate. I didn’t feel like I ‘lost’ my childhood and it was so awful I don’t really miss it. I survived more in the first 25 years of my life than most people do in a lifetime. What’s to be sad about? I’m back in great shape. I’d dare say the best shape of my life. I’ve backed a few lbs of muscle this last year and shed some of the gut I’d built up from complacency. I have a stable job, a roof over my head, a hubby and a doggie that both love me. *Knock on wood*  I’m very fortunate at this point in my life and I’m still relishing it even though it isn’t really new anymore.

So no, I’m not sad to be getting older. I like my growing wrinkles and grey hairs. I don’t blur or “fix” them in my photos/selfies. Wrinkles are often a sign of a life lived IMO. Granted, I do wish the muscles and joints were a bit more flexible. hehehe  I am definitely noticing a difference at the gym. I am not a young man anymore and my joints/ligaments aren’t either. I won’t say it’s harder to workout now as much as it requires some modification. I can’t push my joints/ligaments with abandon like I did as a younger man. They don’t bounce back as quickly and if I push them too far, they break. Case and point, I’ve been fighting tendinitis in both my forearms/elbows like never before.1  I finally had to take time off from working my arms to let them heal. I’m also modifying my workouts to accommodate the fact I can’t just push heavier and heavier weights to gain muscle. There are different ways to burn out the muscles and stimulate muscle growth. I’m trying to be smart about it and have challenging workouts w/o hurting myself.

In my mind I don’t feel 46. If I had to pick age age, I still feel like I’m 30. I think I’m fixated on my 30’s because it wasn’t until then I achieved a level of income beyond just survival. I’m 30 but with 16 more years of wisdom. hehehe  Now if I could just get my joints to feel that way! On the flip side, I have become a huge homebody these last few years. One of Shawn and I’s resolutions for this year was to get out and do more. It doesn’t have to be lots of trips and expenses, but get out be active more. Going to hockey games is a good start!

I’m 46 and making another trip around the sun above ground. For someone who never I’d even see my 40’s, I’m looking forward to another successful trip around the sun. And as always, hope springs eternal…




  1. One arm appears to be healed up []

45

Guess who’s year older today? Me!  lol  Forty five years old and still going strong.

Funny, in a lot of ways I don’t feel 45. I’ve always felt young for my age so that really isn’t a surprise. I thought I would have grown into it by now though. haha  In other ways, I definitely feel 45. After my last rant about my back, I’m clearly not as spry as a I used to be. My body, against my best wishes, is starting to show its age. The grey that used to be just in my hair has taken over my beard and is encroaching on my chest. Is it normal for grey hairs to travel down the torso as one ages? I always thought it started at the bottom and worked its way up? My wrinkles are a little deeper and a little larger in number. Anyway, I don’t mind my age. I certainly don’t resent it. I know a lot of gay men start missing their youth to the point of distraction around this time. Not me. Sure, I wish my body was still younger but aging is part of the human condition. I like my wrinkles and grey hair. And unlike some, I don’t feel inferior or less relevant as an aging gay man.

But let’s face it, much of our original culture revolved around being young and attractive.1  Actually, it’s even simpler than that. It revolves around sexual attraction. In that regard, when you delve past the differences, straight men really aren’t that far removed. I realize I’m generalizing here. I’m not attempting to marginalize all of us into one category. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, a lot of guys around my age and older grew up fighting for an identity as well as being accepted. Of course, also being men into other men, sex and sexuality was a big part of our emerging culture. Sadly, many of us developed coping-mechanisms to compensate for our struggles. Many of those coping-mechanisms became wide spread and part of our culture over time. But being part of our culture doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy for us. On a tangent, it isn’t surprising really. We had to overcome stereotypes that portrayed us as weak and inferior on top of fighting to find acceptance in society. Our ‘culture’ grew out of abandonment, rejection, and an underlying need to belong. And mixed in with all of that was fear, anger, loneliness, and desire. The sexual freedom became a trap many of us couldn’t escape.

For myself, I was very insecure as a young man. I found my validation thru sex. And without realizing it, it became a very compulsive habit. It was a fix for a need I could never satisfy. It became a viscious circle and I consider myself very fortunate to not only have discovered this in myself but also be able to overcome it. A success due in no small part to my blogging. And most surprisingly of all, I found strength in myself.2  That strength allowed me to let go of detrimental coping-mechanisms and move on. I can tick off a list of areas in my life where I found the most growth. Realizing my self-worth should come from within instead of how I was perceived by others was one of them. Frankly, I see gay men all the time who have yet to realize this. You can’t overcome what you don’t see as a problem. They often just grow bitter with age over what they perceive to have lost and resent it. Or more astutely, they resent those who still have it.

So here I sit a 45 years old. My life isn’t perfect and neither am I. But I like my life and who I am. I have regrets but they are overshadowed by my accomplishments. I still look forward to my future. In the best of ironies, when I was younger I never thought I’d live to be very old. Now I find myself looking forward to old age.




  1. I say original culture because it is definitely changing now []
  2. To this day, I still get a little surprised to have found it in myself []

43

A big thank you to everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes. I’m always flattered by the outpouring of well-wishes. The birthday was pretty low-key. I was a bit under the weather this past weekend so ended up at home with The Pup for a couple extra days. By Sunday, I was feeling better, and yesterday an unrelated eye-irritation was my only complaint.

Sadly, I am no longer the answer to life, the everything.1 hehehe  I’ve mentioned before, I don’t regret getting older. I actually enjoy it. I don’t get depressed, sad, or even wistful2 as I age. And even though I notice more changes to the body year after year, I’m ok with it. As Madam would say, ‘…you realize that life is marching by and it’s marching right over your face!’ lol But I don’t mind the greying hair (what’s left of it lol) or the not so subtle wrinkles. If anything I like to think I balance my age with my spirit.

Physically, I’m still in excellent shape for my age even though I’ve been a bit lax in the gym lately. Of course, having a new live in partner will do that. heehee  I eat relatively well and *knock on wood* no apparent major health problems have presented themselves. I will have to break down and get some eye-glasses at some point. I am noticing that I’m becoming near-sighted. Things at a distance seem to loose focus more often these days. I guess I’m getting old eyes. lol

Anyway, thanks again for the well-wishes. I am looking forward to my 43rd year.

🙂




  1. Hitchiker’s Guide to The Galaxy []
  2. so far []

One

Cooper
Cooper on the bus

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of little Cooper coming to live with me. Apple guy and I drove up to Folsom, CA to pick him up and bring him home. I still remember sitting in the visiting room at the animal hospital and him bounding into the room. He was (and still is) a little dynamo of energy bouncing and jumping. He was so excited and cheery, it was love at first sight. It was obvious from that first moment he was just in need of a good home with lots of love.

He didn’t have much training back then and was recovering from being malnourished. We originally thought his growth might be stunted but he is doing quite well in size now. He has reached a healthy weight of 63lbs and holding. His only real problems so far revolve around skin irritations. His little bob tail has to be cleaned with a wet nap every couple days to prevent irritation and booboo’s. He is also prone to skin infections. I’ve taken to dosing him with a little bit of Benadryl every night before bed and he gets sprayed down with an anti-fungal about once a week. Together, these keep his skin looking clean and ‘purdy.

It still angers me to this day that someone could abuse such a wonderful loving animal. Even the staff were quite taken with him. They were very happy to see him go to a good home. I’d like to think I’m giving him a good life. He has all but completely stopped trying to test me for dominance. He responds to commands very easily and for the most part is very well-behaved. He still has his hyper rambunctious moments but that just adds to his charm. hehehe He certainly seems happy. And like a good daddy, I am very protective of him.1

The pic is from a few months ago. He was actually under the MUNI bus seat. It is one of my favorite pics of him. He is my little munchkin and I love him very much. Here’s to another healthy loving year ahead!




  1. Lord, if I had children I’d probably already be in jail! lol []