Month: July 2013

Best

Well it looks like another GHHD #2 [1]Gay High Holy Day has come and gone. I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends of my life. And the fact it was Up Your Alley (Dore) fair had absolutely zero to do with it.

The Pup was in town to visit me and needless to say we had an unbelievably awesome weekend together. If you follow me on any of the social networking sites you know I’ve been gushing a bit about my handsome man. Well get ready because I’m about to gush some more.

Things between us are working out in ways I could never have imagined. This weekend, it seems, any doubts for both of us have been removed. I am not sure I can properly put into words how I felt and the bonding we experienced. The exceptional part is none of it is based on me trying to fit him into any predefined ideas of what he should be. I let him just be himself and he does the same for me. We seem to just exist together and mesh in ways I never thought possible. I don’t have a better way to explain it beyond it just feels different. The ease and depth of our connection seems to only feed on itself every time we are together.

I’m trying to capture the best way to explain why I see things as being different with The Pup. The biggest difference is I don’t feel like I’m compromising to make things work. Every time I meet someone new I always seem to make allowances for behaviors or attitudes that don’t necessarily align with mine. After all compromising is a big part of a successful relationship. Unfortunately, I seem to get my compromises mixed up at times and compromise in ways that puts me at a disadvantage. I often will recognize where a behavior stems from and while I don’t accept the behavior, I accept the act because of it’s trigger. This creates a situation where I enable said behavior by not putting my foot down. And this has led to more than one failed LTR for me. It has always been one of my big mistakes in relationships.

This time around I haven’t done that once. Not even a little. The meshing as I describe it happens on a very fundamental level and is bizarrely addictive. The more I get of it, the more I want. lol I digress though.  I’ve always considered myself an odd bird because I’m wired a bit differently from other people. I view things in ways that most seem to miss. So to find someone who sees many things the way I do is extremely endearing and very much a surprise. It creates a comfort zone that I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt with anyone before.

And the fact that I referenced Apple guy as ‘the one’ in a previous post is not lost on me. I actually went back and read many of the posts I wrote about him. And at the time they were true. But this thing with The Pup has blown that out of the water. And while not to trivialize what I had felt for Apple guy, my connection to The Pup is different on a level so basic I can’t seem to put into words. Anyway, I’m not singing platitudes this time around. I’m gonna keep letting it grow and evolve and see where it goes.

I won’t be going into the gory details of the weekend. That is for he and I to share together. I will tell you we had an unbelievably awesome time and I couldn’t be happier right now. And if the now permanent grin on my face is any indication things are looking very good!

References

References
↑1 Gay High Holy Day

Role

I think I’ve commented on the confidence I’ve found in myself in recent years. I bring it up now in a different but related perspective. I’ve had more than one rant about the lack of role-models in our culture/community. The last being one about my disillusion with a role model I’d found here in SF. I’ve also mentioned in various posts about my frustration with being able to find guys that have reached a level of personal growth that I feel I need to have a functional and successful relationship. All of these things tie into a rather recent epiphany I’ve had.

I’ve realized that I can be a role model to others. And that is not from the perspective of me trying to elevate myself above others, but one of me sharing what I’ve learned and hopefully influencing other gay men into getting onto their own path of growth and contentment. Looking back over my life, I have survived a shit-storm of drama and managed to find the person I want to be within myself. It was no easy task and I can understand why so many fail at it. And lord knows, I am not thinking I am perfect or above reproach. None of that applies to being a role model IMO. Humans are imperfect and flawed. To be a role model doesn’t require perfection.

My new pup (the two legged one) along with a couple of other guys I’ve interacted with lately has taught me that I can be a role model and I can share a wealth of knowledge and wisdom. To see someone embrace an ideal or philosophy and literally blossom under it is something I never expected to witness, especially one of my own doing. And having seen something like that has really made me see that I have gone from being that lost wayward gay boy who needed a mentor or role-model to being one. And maybe mentor is a better term. Role-model seems a bit confining and limiting so maybe I’m becoming a mentor to others.

Sitting in a friends car having a heart-felt conversation about his struggles and absolute eagerness for direction was very touching. To see said person start tearing up when offering him that mentorship almost broke my heart. I’ve become so wrapped up in my own growth over the years, I’ve completely missed the idea of being able to help others grow and evolve. It was like an electric shock to my brain to realize I’ve been inadvertently denying that to others thru my own selfish focus. And I don’t mean selfish as mean but simply being self-focused.

The confidence I’ve found as man is truthfully something I thought I’d never have. If you’d ask me 10 years ago I would have laughed at you. Not because of the intent but because I was so crippled emotionally back then it was a completely foreign idea. And that is not to say I no longer have insecurities. Of course I still have them. But they drive me less and less and that is the key. And the confidence I thought I’d never find has found me. And just as I am drawn to it in others, I think others are drawn to it in me. Honestly, I think this is where a lot of my new found attention comes from. Oh, yeah the new muscles help but they aren’t that big of a draw. lol

My last post with the pic was significant as it lead me to this post. The physical changes you see in the pic are the tiniest fraction of the changes I’ve undergone since then. I’m a completely different man now. Actually, what used to be a lost boy has turned into a found man. I’ve let go of this idea that I have to act in any way to be accepted. I am just me and most importantly, I accept myself. This was the key to my confidence I believe. It jump started the whole process by simply learning to love myself.

It brought me no small amount of joy to realize I am in a position to offer others what I so desperately needed as a young man. There was no one for me to turn at the time so I can’t be too angry. But I am present and accounted for. And it is time that I start helping out. And it can be argued I’ve been doing it a lot thru my blog and it’s probably true to a degree. But the in-person interaction and mentorship cannot be replaced by print. Be it as a sir, a daddy, a big bro, or just a friend, it is time for me to teach while I continue my own path of learning. I don’t have any preset rules. I just plan to share what I’ve learned and how it has helped me.

Wish me luck.

Throwback

There’s been this Throwback Thursday going around FB lately. They probably stole it

Cheesy me
Cheesy me

from twitter but whatever. lol Basically, you post a pic of yourself at various points in your past. I posted the one you see here recently. It is my from my late 20’s around 28/29. It was a couple years before I moved to SF.

I bring it up because of all the commentors were amazed at the differences between then and now. lol Ironically, the biggest changes have been within and cannot be seen. Those changes are much more significant and meaningful to me. That said, the pic represents a time when I was beginning to settle into a stable life. While things weren’t easy, I had a consistent roof over my head, food in my belly, and a stable job. All of which weren’t necessary a guarantee up until that point.

I was still lost and confused in many ways. I hadn’t yet had time to figure who and what I was or what I wanted to be ‘when I grew up.’ I was incredibly insecure still and had no clue about the real influence I could have had on others. lol Youth truly is wasted on the young.

Crash

A reader asked if I’d be willing to blog about the recent plane crash at SFO since I work in a field related to the incident. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can add. I was off that day so I had no direct involvement. Being a critical incident, I did check in with work, as required, to make sure I wasn’t being called in. Beyond that, I was not much involved. SFO has it’s own police/fire support systems. SF, as a city, does/will send resources as needed/requested but we would not be the lead in this scenario. The incident itself falls to the Feds so we wouldn’t even do primary investigations.

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An emergency worker can go a lifetime w/o something of this magnitude happening. Even those of us trained to deal with day to day emergencies take pause for things like this. Thankfully, it was not a catastrophic event. The fact it turned out to be minor (in loss of life) was a huge stroke of luck and relief. Not to belittle the lives that were lost, but it could have been so much worse.

There are a variety of things that kick into action when events like this happen. Mass casualty Incidents (MCI’s) can quickly overwhelm local resources. Cali along with most states now work within the IC (Incident Command) system, which is meant to unify and standardize logistics, resource allocation, patient care, after incident care, etc. It and systems like it create a framework of response and resources to quickly be coordinated in a very meaningful and useful way.

Inquire

I got a lot of inquires after my smitten post. I’m glad so many of you are eager to see my love life improve. hehehe It is still very new and I’m not a lesbian so don’t expect wedding bells anytime soon. But we are enjoying where things are headed.

Some of the guesses were cray-cray. Everything from Apple guy to my roomie got thrown in a as guess. lol Someone even asked if I was reuniting with my old roomie that moved to NY. The latter packs a huge amount of irony. I’m sure we’ll come clean soon. We aren’t hiding it as much as just being cautious. It seems we are almost to a point of throwing caution to the wind and just seeing how things. go. Anyway, if you follow me on Facebook, you’ve already seen who it is as he recently updated our status.

On a somewhat related tangent, I had a regular “buddy” get very upset with me over the revelation. Apparently, he had designs on me and was more than a little miffed. I could only explain I didn’t feel that way about him but it didn’t really seem to help. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m sure he’ll come around but honestly, not my issue. I’ve always been honest/upfront with him about things.

The connection that the pup (my nickname for him) and I have is interesting. He seems to ‘get’ me in ways I’m not really accustomed to. Without explaining to him, he just seems to understand and even appreciate my view on many things. It is quite refreshing.

On the flip side, I think I’m the first guy he’s ever been connected to who hasn’t put a bunch of restrictions or controls on him. I have no desire to mold him in an image I want, nor am I trying to limit him out of fear. He is his own man and I respect and accept that. If things are to ever get serious between us it would have to be because it was right and it worked, not because he conformed to my way of things or I his. I don’t want a clone or a servant, I want an equal with his own mind. Now his being slightly more submissive in certain ways certainly turns my crank but that is a story for another day!

I told myself after Apple guy no more LTR’s unless I’m 100% sure it is for life. Granted no one could ever be really sure of such a thing, but I’ll be damned if I put myself thru another LTR that ends within 5 years. Nor am I sticking with it out some left over childish need to validate previously conquered inner-demons. Of course, if I had stuck to my own axioms regarding LTRs, the last one would have never happened. So in some ways, I have only myself to blame for it’s colossal failure.

I can’t say for sure where this is headed. Even if it turns out to be dud on the LTR front, I hope to continue being his friend. We’ve both promised each other that we will both work to maintain a friendship if we decide an LTR is not to our mutual benefit. Regardless of our status, he is special to me and I’d like to keep that.

Hope springs eternal…

Commentors

Ok, if you’re gonna leave a somewhat relevant comment on my site but then try to sneak in a spam link, you’ll still get the hammer. Recently, some of the banned comments have been very creative. They fit the topic almost perfectly or are relevant enough to be useful but then the links are to commercial or spam sites. That is an absolute no-no and will get you banned permanently if you keep it up.

Since it is coming from various accounts, I do not assume it to be a legit mistake but to be fair, you’ve been warned.  Mmmmm-kay?

Punch

I had a few bizarre episodes lately where people thought it was ok to inappropriately touch me or expose themselves in public. *Coworkers – uh um….TMI for you, read at your peril.*

One was back over before Pride. I’d gone to a friend/coworkers pool party. Being in Martinez and there was most definitely drinking involved, I opted to take BART vs riding my motorcycle. And naturally plenty of ‘drunks’ occured. On the way home I apparently forgot about the “last car” rule on BART. [1]Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’  Being in my somewhat inebrieated state, I’m relaxing in my exuberence when I notice the guy in the seat directly across from me touching himself. And not just a little, he was going at it.

At this point, two things are working in his favor. One, I’m obviously drunk and two, I’m obviously drunk. And I know what you’re thinking, but no, nothing untoward happened on my part. lol I did however watch in a rather unfocused fascination as he finished his manual labors, which did not take long. I promptly giggled and then rolled back over and rejoined my previous half-sleep delirum. Later I almost thought I dreamed it till I ran into him and he made some overt attempts to engage me. This episode didn’t end poorly as it was more of just an experience. Sadly, the next two did.

About a month ago. I was walking thru the hood mid day doing errands. This youngish kid comes stumbling out of Sadlands with an older girl in tow. He was sort of on my awareness but didn’t give it much thought. That is until he promptly reaches up and grabs my nipple. Then he had my complete attention as I whirled around and confronted him. The ONLY reason he didn’t get punched was because I immediately noticed his age and drunkiness. Had he been neither I think I would have actually decked him right in the nose. I was furious. That restraint; however, did not stop me from cussing his ass out and telling his rather snotty friend to shut her pie hole before I did. The part that infuriated me the most was when I realized what he was doing, I shrugged him off and he tried again! Keep in mind, this is mid day and I’m not leaving the bar with him. I’m not standing around outside cruising. I’m some random guy walking down the street with my dog doing my thing. I’ll be the first to admit I can be incredibly incorrigible and not the least bit shy. But I also know that unwanted touching is considered an assualt in all 50 states. Had I given this guy any eye contact or the remotest idea I was into him this story would have gone much differently. Having only registered him on my radar in passing and then have him brazenly try to grab me twice was not acceptable. Was I worried he’d harm me? No, of course not. I was twice his size. It was the blatant disrespect and lack of contriteness that set me off. So anyway, I think he will think twice next time before attempting to fondle a random stranger. On a funny side note, I have never seen Cooper be aggressive. And while not aggressive this day he clearly knew something was up. All the jovial antics to get attention went out of him. He made no moves or growls but his body went into a locked rigid position and he was ‘eagerly’ focused on the guy. For a dog this is a clear sign of agitation. It is very unwise to try and touch a unknown dog when it is giving off such body language. Anyway, I’m curious if he would have done anything had the situation escalated. Since he did not growl or move he didn’t get scolded but it did make me aware my lovable pup can be defensive. Something to this point, I thought impossible. Even when other dogs are aggressive, Cooper usually just shrugs it off.

The last episode was a couple weeks ago. Apparently, a local guy who’d seen my ‘social’ profiles decided it was ok to walk up and start touching me. Literally, he walks up to the side and just behind me and starts playing with my butt. And not in a ‘hey how are you‘ sort of touch either. lol And again, in the right situation and the right cues, I’d could just as easily do the same thing. But this was none of that. I’ve never seen this guy in my life. We’ve never interacted directly. Once again I confronted said person with a few choice words peppereed with a few colorful words. And his response was the real surprise. He said he thought it was ok because he’d seen me on a couple of ‘sites.’ And of course my response was, “and how the hell does that in anyway translate into you sexually assualting me in public?’ Now that I had his undivided attention he begun to realize his behavior was over the line. Short of my profile having some sort of declaration that said behavior was expected or encouraged, it is not ok and I said as much. Just because you saw me online doesn’t equate to you assaulting me in public. He was miffed and more than a little embarrassed because I was not quite in my admonishments but I think he got the picture. He also ruined the chance to make a friend because of his behavior, which from the gist of his statements indicated that was his intent.

It wasn’t that I personally felt violated or in danger from either of these guys [2]even though others might have, it was the absolute lack of respect and assuption of familiarity that upset me. I’m not a stand-offish person either. I like physical contact. But that contact needs to be appropriate and/or warranted. Any behavior that encourages it like flirting, eye contact, conversation; anything that would have shown a two way interaction and acceptance of physical contact is perfectly fine. But to assume you can touch or grab someone in a non-sexual situation is liable to get you one punched or two arrested.

The moral of the story boys and girls? Look, don’t touch until the offer to touch has been expressed. Otherwise, the outcome might not be pleasant.

References

References
↑1 Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’
↑2 even though others might have

A-Crowd

Someone asked me in earnest the other day what it was like to be part of the “A-Crowd.” I was sort of tickled but had to let them down that one, no such thing exists and two, people who think they are in the A-crowd have bigger issues than I care to list. And it isn’t the first time I’ve encountered such a question. I had planned to do a long-winded rant months ago but ended up not getting to it. One has to only look at the horribly done reality show literally called A-Crowd to see an example of overgeneralized over-exaggerated ideology gone wrong. I would never in my life to aspire to such. [1]yes bitches I realize it was sensationalized for TV but the point still stands.

I am soooo far removed from any sort of A-crowd, even if it did exist. lol My life isn’t that glamorous. I work, sleep, love on my dog, hit the gym, get into trouble as often as I can, and then repeat. That is my exciting life in an nut-shell. I prefer to spend most of my free time with myself and/or Cooper. I engage with my friends of course, but I am not out every weekend or even every other weekend. I don’t do much (human) charity work these days so I don’t even have that exposure. lol I do think there are incorrigible parts of my personality that give rise to certain situations but that hardly makes me anything ‘upper.’

I’m surprised anyone would think I’m anything A-crowd but considering my inability to recognize I can also be intimidating, I guess shouldn’t be. [2]I’m still struggling with the latter.  The perception of A-crowd boils down to the have and have nots. You have what I want or like therefore you must be “A-crowd” or “in” and I’m not. Not a healthy association and one I, thankfully, rooted out of my id years ago. Seriously, don’t think like that, it isn’t healthy. At the end of the day, the opinion that matters most is your own. Focus more on being the person you really want to be and loving yourself and less on the perception that someone might be on a different level than you. And therein may lie the rub for some. They envy or want things that others have but aren’t willing to invest the time or energy into it. In the end, we are all humans. We all bleed. We all die. All of that other nonsense means nothing.

Even my blog doesn’t come close to being prime material. That comment whore brettcajun probably gets more traffic than I do. While I do have a dedicated, and much appreciated, following of readers please don’t ever think for one moment I consider myself better than anyone else. I am not perfect, I struggle and sometimes I fall. That just makes me human, just like you.

And as someone who discovered it the hard long drawn out way, the confidence within that comes from being contented with yourself, can be very alluring to others.

References

References
↑1 yes bitches I realize it was sensationalized for TV but the point still stands.
↑2 I’m still struggling with the latter.

Smitten

It was bound to happen. I’ve become smitten with someone. Naturally, he doesn’t live here. I never seem to find a guy local. Why the hell is that?

Anyway, it is still very new and developing and we both recognize the limitations of our situation. We are enjoying it for what it is and seeing what the future holds. No, I’m not in an LTR or even off the market. No, he isn’t moving here. And no, I am not moving there. Seems futile doesn’t it? Well, I don’t see it that way. There are different types of bonds and I don’t necessarily have to be with him to have a bond. We both recognize that while we have a good set of compatibilities, we don’t yet have enough working knowledge of the other, so to speak. That said, I’m a big believer in not trying to make something fit a label.

It’s been ongoing for a few months and I’ve enjoyed it. I realized over Pride weekend my feelings had taken a stronger turn. If you can believe it, I was jealous. Yeah, you read it right. Me, of all people, was actually jealous. hehehe And to my own credit, it had nothing to do with sex. [1]Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!  No, it was intimacy. Ok, that’s not even exactly true. It was my fear of him sharing intimacy with someone else. (The intimacy never happened btw) In the end, I needn’t and shouldn’t have been jealous. But it sure as hell surprised me to discover 1) I was jealous, 2) that I cared enough to be jealous.

I shared it with him after I dealt with it myself. Once I realized what was happening, I stepped back to examine the why. I could never have done that w/o 9 years of blogging btw. I put my emotions in check and moved past the silliness. He and I laughed it off over a good heartfelt and open conversation. The conversation itself actually strengthened how I see him.

So now where does that leave us? My best answer is I don’t know. We are still pursuing the connection.  As to my jealousy, it was odd that I got angry.  I was actually angry and then a little hurt.  Finally, it dawned on my dense ass that I was jealous. This made for an interesting back and forth internal conversation to say the least. lol One side of me was genuinely jealous, another side was chastising me for being jealous, and yet another side was over it all and simply clamped down on it till he and I could talk. [2]Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol  In the end, he is not mine and I have no reason to be jealous even if the idea did chap my ass. The fact that nothing happened isn’t really the point at all. What a wasted emotion jealousy is. I’m not overly proud that I’m still capable of it.

In a complete side rant, we’ve given each other nicknames. I’m big on nicknames, always have been. I’ve figured out I get it from my dad. He always gave people that he cared about nicknames. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of until recent years. It’s also probably why I’ve never encouraged people to call my by my real name. It’s rather formal from my perspective. Anyway, I’ve started calling him my pup. Don’t go getting mental over it. I see him not as a possession or property but simply someone close to me that I care and look out for. He, in turn, has given me the nickname big dog. A name I immediately liked even though I’m not quite sure why yet. He says I don’t quite make the ‘daddy‘ title because our ages are too close. hehehe

He is coming up for Dore and it promises to be an informative (and hopefully very fun) weekend! lol It will be a test of sorts. He and I plan to get into more than a little trouble together and see how we do.

Wish me luck?

References

References
↑1 Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!
↑2 Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol

Review

Let’s look at the week in review shall we?

Woke up an equal citizen, liked it.

Forked over a grand for the cruise, sort of liked it.

Got an offer to do porn, declined (again).

Smashed my finger at the gym, ouch!

Got an offer to do a porn star, accepted.

Got blurry vision at work, annoyed.

Said the L-word repeatedly, to Cooper.

Finished 3 projects at work, none of which were due.

Told I was going to hell, replied – I’m earning my ticket.

Cut up 6 old shirts into gym shirts, yay!

I’m 3lbs away from breaking 200 lbs again, very excited.

and…

Discovered dog vomit dries into a crispy stinky mass, not pleasant.

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How was your week?