New Digs

Well, looks like I might be moving. A buddy of mine from work is renting out his house and just came from checking it out. Wasn’t really expecting it but its too good to pass up. I’m getting a 1300 sq ft 2bedroom house w/all the appliances including w/d, hard wood floors and 2 car garage for less than I’m paying for a 1bedroom apt. Not to mention a nice jacuzzi bathtub to boot!

Wasn’t really expecting to take it as its kinda out of the area I’d like to be in. That said, w/the split, I need to save money and try and back on track a bit. I’m willing to forego convenience to save some major fundage!

Now I have to swithc gears, so to speak, and get my butt moving. Crap to get done. I forgot to take the camera so will have to post pics later.

Today’s nonesense

Nothing really special about today. Was out late so didn’t make the gym. Loafed around most of the morning watching the tube.

Work was another story….Total ignunce!

I do have one rant though. It has to do w/politics. I normally keep that sort of stuff to myself but I get so annoyed at people sometimes. So today, chicky that works w/me is just bitching/whining up a storm about all the things wrong w/this country. So I ask her, “who did you vote for?”. Her classic response, “Oh, I don’t vote, it doesn’t count anyway”. I would have slapped her but I think shit splatters! I mean come on. You have the right to get your ass out and be counted in who gets to run this country. Sure its fucked sometimes but there are not many other places I’d rather live. I don’t care who you vote for, if you open your piehole to complain about it, you better be voting. Way I see it, if you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. So whats it gonna be? (ok, taking a valium …ahhh better now)

Time Away

Booked a trip to Fort Lauderdale today. I have some more vacation time coming up soon and I think I’ll take a nice long weekend trip to relax and clear my head. I love FTL and its recovering nicely from the beating it got from Ivan. A couple buddies from back in big ole TX are gonna fly over w/me so it promises to be a good time.

On a side note, I’ve been meditating alot lately and it really helps. I’ve never really been a big fan of meditation simply because I don’t have the patience. Its amazing how you change w/age. (G) I highly recommend it to anyone. I work in a job that tends to leave me w/lots of negative energy. The meditation helps me get rid of it. Who da thunk?

Nice & Not So Nice Comments

Thanks to everyone who has sent me such supportive emails. I’m very flattered and truly touched. In a world thats shrinking daily, its nice to see people still care enough to reach out to another soul in trouble. Really made my day reading some of the comments. Of course, thanks go out to my blogging buddy Smitty.

That said, one particular person chose to make some really rude comments out of anger. First off, this is MY blog and I’ll simply delete the comments. DUH! That said, I’ll address your issues anyway. If you ever had any chance of getting back in my good graces, it just went down the tubes w/my breakup. He was the one person who was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt even after all your drama.

Better Today

I seem to be better today. Yesterday just seemed unbearable. Some days are better than others I guess. I think its harder right now because we have to see each other every day. I just have to remember the good parts and try to put the bad behind me I guess….

He isn’t working and has no where else to stay. All my friends say I should kick him to the curb but thats just not how I operate. The revenge I’d get would only be short lived and doesn’t do anything to help the problem. Truth is, I still love him. I just have to realize that I have to let him go and hope he comes back to me before its too late. Either way, I’m moving on w/my life and taking care of myself.

Single Again

Well after 3 years, I am soon to be single again. Its especially hard for me this time because I vested more of myself in this relationship than I ever have before. He was the first person I’d ever been with where I used the term we in my head. I’ve had other ltr’s but in my head, it was always me and this person, never we. He was also someone I pictured growing old with. When we met, he was living in Fresno. So many things clicked. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc. Ironically, neither one was looking for a bf so the clicking just seemed so much more natural.

The trouble started after he moved here. I’m not really sure when but things have been going downhill for months now. I’ve given him room to grow as a person and experience what it is to be out and gay. But maybe my fault was in being too understanding. That said, after some ernest soul searching, I’ve come to realize what I believe to be the problem. Right now he is so focused on all the things he thinks he missed in the last 15 years (before he met me), that’s all he sees. When he sees me, he sees all the things he thinks is holding him back. I also think he will come to regret this decision. I’m just not sure I’ll be there when he does. Being a typical Aquarian, I’m loyal to a fault. Once I make a break though, I rarely go back. I give of myself 100% and when that is rejected, I am never able to reconcile w/a fresh start. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me.

Because so much of our lives are entwined right now, it will be months before we can completely go our separate ways. Hopefully, he’ll wise up. Regardless, I have to move on w/my life. I say this thru tears. It sounds so easy when I sit here and look at it in black and white. However, my heart says something completely different. I’m just so disappointed that things have gone so far downhill. I have to stop now…

Ding Dong The Witch is Dead!

** This was copied from my old journals and I’ve tried to condense it for clarity **

It finally happened! My stepmother is dead! Satan has left us once again for the underworld. May she reign in hell forever undisturbed.

This news is so completely unexpected as she is 10yrs younger than my dad. On top of that, they still don’t know what killed her. She went to bed one night and just didn’t wake up. It was your conscience that killed you, you mean spirited hateful bitch! (Yes, I’m bitter, and I have good reason. If you haven’t read the history, please do so now.)

I just got home from work and I’m so giddy w/laughter I can’t control myself. I know I shouldn’t be happy over someone’s death but I can’t help it. She was the bane of my existence for so long, I can’t help but be happy. She made my life a living hell as a child. Anything cruel or mean she could think of to do to me, she did. It has taken me years to work thru the anguish, feelings of inadequacy, and self-doubt that she instilled within me sometimes daily.

I have such a feeling of relief. As if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My belief is that, for whatever reasons, she was a miserable person in this life. A person who couldn’t be happy so tried to make everyone around her just as miserable as she was. All my puns aside, I hope that she has found some sort of relief from her grief. Maybe in her next life she’ll come back as a gay man adopted by white trash and they’ll kick her to the curb at the ripe age of 14.

I’m going out to celebrate tonight. I plan on getting snockered up real good!

****this is a from a journal entry about a week later****
They discovered what killed my step mother finally. Apparently, she had taken a whole slew of pills again (she was a severe pill addict) and some of the pills interacted and backed up into her esophagus. She basically choked to death in her sleep. Hows that for irony? I still say it was her conscience.