Category: culture

Know Thyself

People really crack me up sometimes. They say perception is 9/10’s reality but there are also times when you need to use your head for something besides a hat rack. I just had a rather odd email conversation with a distant Facebook friend who was pissed at me for not knowing what was going on with him. Apparently, he’s been going thru some drama and updating FB with it. It was somehow my fault for not knowing. I saw him online, sent a polite message, and proceeded to get attitude because I was being jovial. Excuse the hell out of me!

On a similar rant, a while back I had another FB friend (who found me thru twitter) get pissy with me because I didn’t want to have cyber sex with him over cam. I first politely explained it wasn’t my thing even if I thought he was attractive. Sex over cam is so 90’s and boring to me. I realize it may be fun for some but that doesn’t mean everyone is into it. Finally after like the 4th or 5th push to show my junk, I got rather direct and let him know it was never going to happen. He has since unfriended me, to my delight.

So yes, all these sites can be wonderful mechanisms for communication. But lets face it, none of us only friend people we actually know in real life. Hell some folks have thousands, even hundreds of thousands, of friends on these sites. It is unrealistic to think every one of your “friends” keeps up with your every update. Frankly, it borders on impossible for anyone who has a life offline. For myself, I’m not so foolish to think everyone on my list knows everything I post. Most of what I post on FB and such is absolute drivel anyway. lol That’s when I’m even on. Most of my updates on FB come from my Google+ account (or twitter).

Yes, I have some nice friends online whom I’ve never met. I have some I’d love to meet someday as well. That still doesn’t mean I’m all up in their grill 24/7. If I’m a real friend to you or vice versa, then I’ll take the time to talk, text, email, or see you. in person. In person isn’t always possible but a friendship is only as good as the effort you put into it, not what you get out of it. And posting online is not what I would call effort.

The sex thing is funny. But again, don’t get all twisted because not everyone is into the same thing. I clearly have no problem with sex and/or hookups. That doesn’t mean every profile I have online is filled with a insatiable desire to get laid. Even still, if I politely decline 2 even 3 times, take the hint.

At the end of the day, just use your brain people. Don’t get pissy because some random stranger doesn’t know you’re having a bad day/week. Be happy someone actually took the time to reach out to you in the first place.

/ rant

Work In

I don’t get people sometimes. So I’m at the gym one day last week working out, doing my thing. The gym is a tad busier than normal but not overly so. I’m working my arms and I see this guy doing the triceps dip machine. I walk up and very politely ask if I can work in with him. He snaps, ‘sure‘ and proceeds to storm away in a huff.

I was actually surprised because 1) I was very polite and 2) my tone and demeanor was clearly indicative of my willingness to be denied. While it is the policy of the gym that members should share equipment, I know how it is to be in your zone, time schedule, routine, etc and I don’t get offended if someone isn’t willing to share. Of course, if I’d been working a free-weight bench with a big weight difference, I wouldn’t be as willing. Trying to swap off/on weights is a major pain. And while I don’t like people that hog benches because they are too busy gossiping/yakking with friends or bouncing between machines, this machine is as simple as flipping a switch to change the weight. Seriously, its that damn easy.

Of course, I laughed it off and finished my set. Hell, he made it easier for me as I no longer had to wait on him. He came back down about 15 minutes later glaring to see if anyone was on the bench. I’d already started my next set but was tempted to go over and tell him, ‘next time instead of throwing a tantrum like a 12-yr old girl just have the balls to say no.‘ I thought better of it though. He probably would have had an even bigger hissy fit and frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with the drama.

So here is a little advice for those of you who do hit the gym on a regular basis. Be willing to share equipment or have enough of a spine to say no if you don’t. Barring the above mentioned caveats, don’t storm off in a huff because you’re a passive-aggressive pussy pansy dumb-ass wimp.

That Way

Apparently, the gay blogosphere has erupted in another faux scandal because some ‘actor’, Logan McCree, just came out as bi instead of full on gay. My first thought is ‘why is this news?’ Then I think on how much money the porn industry makes. lolol

I didn’t know who he was so did a quick google search. [1]with the safety filter turned off Let me just say, if he is bi, mercy-me he must be one-fine actor! The few clips I saw showed someone who was definitely into his work. lol Whether he is really bi or not is a pointless argument IMHO. Kinsey pretty much proved sexuality runs the gambit from polar straight on one end to polar gay on the other. Why must we (on both sides of the fence) continually try to label everyone as one or the other.

Looking beyond that we get to the why of it. In one camp, you have the folks who insist he is lying for some ulterior reason. We’ll probably never know for sure because the only person who’ll ever know is Logan. That said, the only reason I could really see for lying would be the whole “gay for pay” idea that keeps getting rammed down our throats these days. It seems like he is getting plenty (of work) so not too sure there. But as nauseating as it sounds, maybe he thinks he’ll be able to demand more money. A sad testament if that’s his reason. [2]I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Then you have the whole “I can’t believe it, I feel so betrayed.” folks. Let me get this straight, you feel betrayed because the image you built up in your mind of said person has been shattered? An image created of someone you only see in completely contrived scenarios? Really? My response is get over it. The reality is almost never the same as the image. Living in SF, I can tell you from experience they are almost never like the ‘purdy moving pictures.’ And referring back to the whole gay for pay crap, maybe its so prevalent in the industry now he didn’t see the harm in admitting his big secret? Are you seriously going to stop watching him now because he likes a little V with his P&A?

Frankly, I could care less as long as he isn’t running around being hypocritical or hurting others. Being as I don’t know the nitty gritty, I’ll save my moral indignation for more important subjects. In the end, I’ve always been a big proponent of honesty. If he is coming clean, so to speak, good for him. If not, then it will catch up to him sooner or later.

References

References
↑1 with the safety filter turned off
↑2 I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. [1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.

References

References
↑1 and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks.

Assume The Position

On a recent ride, I found it somewhat amusing when a riding buddy shocked an employee of a local and very busy biker hangout. Basically, the employee replied to a buddy’s comment about it being a nice day. The employee said something to the effect, “and the pretty girls.”  Well my (male) friend w/o even really thinking anything of it said, “and the pretty guys“. You could tell it was totally not the answer the employee was expecting! Now don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t ignorant or stupid, he was just surprised. He didn’t break stride or even turn around. It was a very subtle but obvious change in his movements that gave him away. It also cracked me the hell up! This leads me into my post today.

My assumption is that because we were motorcycle riders, he naturaly assumed we were straight. Of course, I get that it ties into Western society’s over-emphasis on male/fem characteristics, hobbies, etc. But that’s a way deeper well to dive into on some other day…

Anyway, it struck me as noteworthy because I’ve become so accustomed to my openness about being gay.  I just so rarely think about it in a public forum anymore. I always just assume anyone who meets me knows I’m gay. I make no pretense about it how could they not know? [Insert joke here]   It still surprises me when someone doesn’t pick up on it. ( On an unrelated side note, this begs the question about gays learning to pick up on said subtle clues more astutely than our straight counter-parts.)

Of course, I’d forgotten that perception can be a powerful thing. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, ‘perception is 9/10’s of reality.‘   Well, case and point. lol  The human brain becomes hard-wired to expect certain actions, in this case behaviors. It will often (given time and/or more cues) pick up on subtle, out-of-the-norm differences, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I’m sure given more time to observe us, the employee would have figured it out. 😉  Ironically, now that I think back on it, I can remember several rides where the same thing has occurred.

My buddy and I got a nice chuckle out it nonetheless. And we continued to cruise guys.

Sissy Boy

As usual, my buddy brettcajun stirred up a hornet’s nest with his recent post.  He got quite a bit of fall out over it and attempted to cover with another post, which fell equally as flat. In a nut shell, Brett was ranting about how Kurt Hummell’s character [1]from the TV show Glee is a nelly limp-wristed sissy who deserved what he got because he couldn’t man-up and be a real man. The irony of the person doing the complaining was not lost on anyone mind you. *g*

Sadly, his feelings; however shameful and wrong they were, are not all that uncommon. For my .02, I think the problem is not only ignorance but our growling failure to understand the difference between being attracted to someone vs accepting of them. [2]Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.  Many of us fall prey to the foolish idea that to be accepted we have to conform and/or fit in. As if such behavior would make those who hate us hate us any less. That ideology has never worked so why it continues to flourish is anyone’s guess.

While ignorance can be forgiven, it can only be forgiven to a point. You cross the line when you go from disliking someone because they fit a stereotype you detest to actively condoning violence against them. Knowing Brett, I doubt he meant to encourage real harm but that doesn’t change the facts. He openly condoned violence against one of our own simply because said person was effeminate. This type of thinking simply cannot go unchallenged and uncorrected. TV character or not, we are seeing this same scenario play itself out all too often in real life in schools all over the nation. Even worse, some of the victims have turned to suicide to avoid being bullied. All because they are different. To his credit, Brett took his lumps. Quite a few of his commenters raked him over the coals and rightfully so.

A few commenters spoke up in support of Brett. Many of their arguments are the same reasons those who hate us continue to do so. Of course, you have to be able to see beyond your own short-sightedness and insecurities to see such an irony. Condoning violence against others because you hate qualities they represent [3]qualities we often hate in ourselves does not make you a man. If anything, it makes you a coward. And I will tell anyone, friend or foe, the same to their face.

Then there is the attraction issue. More and more, as a culture we are beginning to see attraction and acceptance as the same thing. In a desperate effort to fit-in and feel like we belong, we have begun to marginalize ourselves into sub-cultures based not only on attraction but acceptance. Whether it be twinkies, daddies, leather, drag, gym-bunnies, bears, etc, we lock ourselves into labels meant to free us. We then turn on those who don’t represent our now rigid view of how others should be based on our attraction. IMHO, this is a dangerous path that makes us no better than those who seek to deny us equality. While it can be expected, to a degree, in a culture as sexually obsessed as we are, it does not excuse said behavior.  Just because I happen to fit into one or more sub-cultures doesn’t mean I can now pass judgment on those who do not.

I may not be physically attracted to someone who is overly flamboyant or naturally effeminate but I will defend their right to be with my last breath. I will say this though. I’d sooner stand by their side than anyone who would seek to tear them down out of misplaced angst, fear, or ignorance.

References

References
↑1 from the TV show Glee
↑2 Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.
↑3 qualities we often hate in ourselves

Post Folsom

So Gay High Holy Day #3 [1]Folsom St Fair has come and gone. This year Apple guy had a booth to launch his tshirt/jock business. Below is a picture of the booth setup and ready to go. I volunteered to help him with the booth.

 

Whacha think? Looking sharp huh? The hubby did all the artwork/designs for not only the shirts but also his logo and posters. I’m really proud of him. Considering we were behind the gun from the git-go, we turned out an awesome booth. There were a lot of unexpected delays in the process and to turn out such a good product deserves some serious kudos, IMHO.

We did pretty well at the fair. Not as much as we were hoping but I think that had more to do with outside factors than anything he did or didn’t do. We definitely got the name and product out there in people’s minds. As soon as the websites go live we are full steam ahead! I will be calling in favors from EVERYONE to help give us a good jumpstart! Oh yeah bitches, I’m calling in all my favors! lol Operators are standing by…

Anyway, the most irritating problem thru the whole process has been paypal. He was all setup to use them for the credit card processing when his account got hacked and then somehow tied to two fraudulent accounts. Paypal’s customer service has been on par with AT&T’s. Seriously, all my bitching about zipcar pales in comparison to Paypal. They basically don’t give a flying fuck and we are looking at months (yes, I said months) before his account gets sorted out.  Needless to say, he has decided to ditch them. [2]I have too 

I’ll be posting links to the sites soon so be ready! lol Seriously, the hubby has some awesome tshirt and jock designs, some edgy and some just plain funny. And you’ll be doing a ‘solid’ by helping him get off the ground.

References

References
↑1 Folsom St Fair
↑2 I have too

Wanted

Isn’t it funny how people who normally don’t give you the time of day when you are single suddenly wanna be all up in your grill when you aren’t? I mean don’t get me wrong, I know guys always want what they can’t have, but some bitches are down right home-wreckers. Apple guy and I have had conversations on several occasions about the subject. heehee

I originally thought it was kinda funny, but now its kinda getting old. I had the odd luck of being off work early tonight. I’m walking thru the ghaytto to pick up some dinner when a guy [1]We’ll call him Ralphie for simplicity. I have completely forgotten his real name but he looks like a Ralphie to me. I’ve seen around for years suddenly grabs my arm while I’m passing bearbucks. Said guy moved here 4-5 years ago. We met randomly thru different friends a few times. Each time I was summarily dismissed as if I barely existed. I mean literally, it was all he could do to acknowledge my presence. I thought it was hilarious and filed him away in my “bless his heart” file.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I turn around to find he is the guy grabbing my arm. I found it funny how hard he tried to establish a sense of rapport between us. I wasn’t biting and politely said as much. I mentioned I wasn’t really interested as I already had a partner. It was then he made the fatal mistake of saying, “what does he have that I don’t?”  I replied, “well for one manners, and two, me!” and walked away. I was tempted to turn and see the look on his face but I didn’t.

Yes, I know it was probably a bit immature of me to take joy in his humiliation, but I can’t help it. Good looks does not excuse one’s behavior, so yeah I took a little personal joy in his comeuppance. And anyone who knows me knows I can’t stand arrogance. Cockiness is hot but arrogance is so 80’s.

References

References
↑1 We’ll call him Ralphie for simplicity. I have completely forgotten his real name but he looks like a Ralphie to me.

Social Fail

I was blogrolling (finally) and catching up on the list when I was reminded by Jimbo of something I’d been meaning to rant about.

Jimbo was ranting on the do’s/don’ts of when to use grindr in social situations. This sort of got me on the general mistakes most folks make when joining/using social sites in general. Whether it be the hatchet-job of HTML and over-embedding on mySpace, [1]which has become the trailer park of the web the constant barrage of friend/game requests on Facebook, and/or the minutia of irrelevant updates on twitter, it can quickly become unmanageable if you don’t start out with some ground rules.

Being someone who has been online since before the existence of AOL, let me take a moment to edify you on my hard-earned skills. lol With a few simple guidelines you can keep your online social interactions under control, enjoyable, and even useful.

When joining social sites like FB, MS, twitter, etc, you should first decide on your purpose. [2]Yes, this even applies to the more adult-oriented sites as well.  Are you joining to reconnect with friends/family, make new friends, be a social butterfly, and/or just ‘connect’ in general.

DO:

  • Take the time to fill out your profile. You don’t have to necessarily reveal personal/private information but if your goal is to meet people then it makes sense to provide goals, interests, hobbies, etc. If you are gonna create multiple profiles, instead of constantly retyping everything, just create a master word or text file that you can copy and paste from. You also don’t have to list every minutia of your interests. Stick to things you are really passionate or interested in. You can always add more later.
  • Be sincere and honest. People often sniff out a fake PDQ. Sure your responses might be less but they will be legit. And lets face it, if your goal is to actually meet people, they’ll eventually find out you lied.
  • Use an up-to-date picture of yourself. It’s the freakin’ millennium already. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone not to have an up-to-date pic in this day when practically everything has a camera attached to it. I don’t care what you looked like 10 years ago or when you were 12.  Its ok to have those type of pics but not as your main profile pic. Its misleading and you’ll end up alienating people. And if you are so discreet, you can’t have a face shot, then maybe you shouldn’t be online? [3]Anytime I see this, I just assume you are a liar or cheating on someone
  • Actually take the time to reply or interact. Again, if the goal is to be social, it won’t happen all by itself. Depending on the site, you don’t necessarily have to reply to everyone but the point here is to make an effort to interact.

Don’t

  • Add any/every one who sends you a friend/follow request. If you do, you’ll soon find your profile becomes bloated and pointless. And there is nothing that says once you add someone you can’t remove them later.
  • For adding media/links, don’t over do it. Less is definitely more in this instance. If you constantly fill your stream with drivel, people will get bored or overwhelmed and move on. Its ok to post things you really like but I don’t wanna know about every single song/movie/clip/article that you purchase/download/find from the web. And for the love of toast, for profiles like myspace, make sure the “auto-play” feature for your embedded content is turned off!
  • Hide all of your data/info and then wonder why no one friends/follows you. This is a biggie folks. Especially on sites like twitter and FB, if I can’t see anything about you not only will I not add you, I’ll probably go one step further and block you. Demanding a lot and offering nothing in return rarely works. FB allows you a fine control of what is viewable or not. twitter is a bit trickier as it only allows full view or nothing. The trick is to accept the request but then review the person’s feed/stream. If you don’t like it or it doesn’t interest you, simply unfollow and/or block. You’re done.
  • Add mean, disparaging, hateful, or otherwise negative statements. No one likes a whining negative-Nancy. Nothing turns me off to a person’s profile faster than negative comments.
  • Log on and never log-off. That might work for chat services where you can set yourself to away or available but for most profiles, its just annoying trying to interact with someone who turns out not to be there but logged on.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it? lol Here are just a few more tips that might save you some grief.

Don’t join every site just because you can. Pick and choose the sites you really like and dump the rest.

If you are worried about privacy or work-related issues, don’t use your real name online. I’ve always used my nickname and to this day, I can’t find a single reference to my real name online. This is especially important if you are using profiles for work and ‘play’.

With the latter in mind, keep your work/play profiles separate. You can create multiple accounts for each and/or filter your contacts based on interest.

Ok, that’s it. Now go forth and be social!

References

References
↑1 which has become the trailer park of the web
↑2 Yes, this even applies to the more adult-oriented sites as well.
↑3 Anytime I see this, I just assume you are a liar or cheating on someone

P-you

Why is it my fellow homo’s feel the need to bathe in cologne? I mean, come on!

I ran into a friend in the hood the other day, we exchanged hello’s and a customary hug before going our separate ways. I was immediately bombarded by his overpowering cologne. I was almost nauseous it was so strong, no exaggeration. I got thru it and went on about my day.

An hour later, I’m in Bearbucks getting some much needed caffeine and the guy behind the counter commented on how nice my cologne smelled! Before he said anything, I had just chalked the lingering smell up to my poor nose being overwhelmed. Oh noooo, I got home and took my shirt off and I could smell the shit all over my damn shirt! Now imagine how much he must have had on for it to rub off all over my shirt!

I don’t personally wear cologne very often but I also don’t really mind it, when used properly. I have a strong sense of smell (and as we all know, taste is tied into smell). I also happen to prefer the natural clean scent of human skin over cologne. [1]And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy. When used properly, cologne can enhance your own natural smell and be alluring.

So here is a clue for all you cologne-lovers out there. Its meant to give a hint of fragrance. It is not meant to overpower someone’s olfactory system completely. Oh and don’t even get me started on guys who bathe/shower, shave, deodorant, and cologne with the exact same fragrance. OMFG!

Let me be the first to be a true friend and tell you you don’t smell pretty at all. You stink! A drop behind each ear and maybe a drop on each wrist is more than enough. If that isn’t enough, your cologne is too cheap and should be avoided all together. [2]The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs. If all of your hygiene products have the same fragrance, you don’t need any cologne at all. And if you can’t afford the really good stuff just go for the natural clean smell. I guarantee everyone around you will be grateful.

/rant

References

References
↑1 And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy.
↑2 The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs.