Category: culture

Why Am I Here?

Tonight, I had a mini epiphany. You could say proof of an insecurity I’ve grown out of.

I had a rather odd first meeting with a couple of guys from bear411. I’d chatted with this guy off and on over a few months and we’d seemed to have nice online connection. He lives down in LA. He texted me online tonight to say he was in town with a friend visiting before heading up to the river tomorrow. I didn’t really wanna go out but certainly didn’t wanna be rude so I made the effort.

Skipping for a moment, he appeared more than a few years older in person, it didn’t go well. It didn’t go bad either. It just sorta went. He was nice enough. There was just no chemistry, no sparks, nothing. Not even a real connection. I also got the distinct impression he and his friend had nothing but disdain for SF as well as a little internalized homophobia. No judgments just an observation.

The point is in the past this would have bothered me. I used to obsess about someone liking me. I used to incorrectly assume if there wasn’t some sort of spark that something must be wrong w/me. This time I had no such feelings. I just didn’t really care. They were nice, there was just no connection and that was ok. I wasn’t upset or distraught or even perturbed. I was polite, talkative, and even offered to go grab a bite to eat. I guess I really am growing up. Who knew?

Life: Normal

A big thank you to all the kind words of encouragement and support regarding my dealings w/Continental AND with their handsome attendant. I didn’t even mind the walk of shame from the hotel the following morning.1

Gay High Holy day #1 has come and gone. The city has pretty much returned to normal.2 I am also home from my vacation and my week of antics. It was a busy damn week and I am glad to be back. From hosting the incorrigible Brettcajun and my buds from Tuscon to flying home to see the clan, this blogger is tired. I’m slowly catching up on my blogroll as well.

Work today is almost a relief. (Almost) I didn’t really wanna come in today though. It is so nice and sunny out, I just wanted to go layout at the park. My friend Matthew dragged me out to the beach yesterday so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I posted more of the pics from the blogger summit. I still have twice as many to edit and load. I’ll get to it eventually. I’m feeling sooo unmotivated right now. Oh, and I’ll be posting a private post later this week as well. No, it is not about Steve but it is juicy. hehehe

Duty calls…

1 He had to fly out early not me. I stayed in bed after he left.
2 As normal as SF ever gets. hehehe

Pride Cometh

The motherland is gearing up for the first gay high holy day of the season. The gym gets busier by the day, the bars have already put out flashy banners, and the city is slowly filling up w/visitors. Yes, gay pride is coming again to SF. I’ve weighed in more than a few times on pride here but feel compelled to do so again.

I’ve already seen and heard that many folks once again don’t celebrate pride anymore. They feel it represents aspects of the community as undesirable. Aspects many would rather middle America knew nothing about. Why? Because it forces them to challenge their beliefs. Oh, I’ll be the first to admit pride is no longer just about celebration however, that doesn’t mean we should stop. We are more visible than ever. We have more rights than ever. However, one only need to look as far as the local news to see that gays/lesbians are still tormented, tortured, and even murdered by the ignorant.

Gays/lesbians come from all walks of life. We cross the divide of race, sex, and nationality. It is foolish to think we will ever speak w/one voice; we are simply too diverse. Does that mean we should abandon those who came before us? Or how about those coming after us? Will they see a community as large and diverse as humanity itself or will they see nothing?

I came out very young. Even though I decided to live openly for myself, I was still very naive and scared. Seeing my first pride parade gave me hope. I realized I was not alone. I realized I didn’t need to settle for second class citizenship. I realized that there were people just like me out there in the world. It was such a relief and it was then I knew I’d be alright. I have not forgotten those fearful years. I find it an act of cowardice to even suggest we abandon a celebration of who we are. We would be turning our backs not only on the very liberties we’ve fought so hard for but also those coming up behind us. There may come a day when we no longer need to celebrate in unity. That day is not yet upon us. While many of us have come to terms w/being gay, many more have not. We may not identify or even agree w/parts of the gay “community”. We don’t have to. We only need remember that everyone has the right to live openly and free of persecution simply because we are different.

It is with an open heart I welcome you into the fold. Fag, dyke, queer, lesbo, tranny, daddy, twink, bear, bunny, lesbian, gay, or whatever you call yourself. Welcome. And realize you are not alone.

Bless His Heart

I got this rather edu-mucated response on my about page this morning. It is always nice to be insulted by a complete moron. *giggle*

New comment on your post #643 “About:Me”
Author : Whatever (IP: 66.66.139.55 , cpe-66-66-139-55.rochester.res.rr.com)
E-mail : noway@noway.com
URI :
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=66.66.139.55
Comment:
Your blog sucks and so does your attitude. Go suck a fuck you loser.

Of course, in this instance I know where it came from. I left a comment over at Towleroad about the lesbian suing eharmony because they don’t cater to lesbian/gays.

I think I might do a weekly section dedicated to these folks. This particularly bitter individual must be miserable in life. He/she also managed to equate the murder of Matthew Shepard w/eharmony refusing to cater to us. Oh yeah, that is truly great logic in motion.

Blogapalooza 2007 II

**Update*** Several folks have already expressed an interest in an Saturday get together as some are arriving Friday and will miss the one on Friday. I’ll try to arrange something for Saturday for those who can’t make the Friday shindig.

Ok blog fans, the date is fast approaching. The big blogger weekend aka SF Pride is not far off. I’m creating a page w/links to blogs or emails for all those planning to attend. That way everyone can rub elbows, talk shop, discuss room & board options, etc.

I know DanNation is also working on a more specific date and time however, I’m just looking for numbers vs events. Once the weekend approaches and more folks have an idea of their schedules, I’ll try to arrange a get together. Again, nothing fancy or overly pretentious, just a space for the group to meet, maybe grab some food or drink, and chat. I took the weekend off so I’ll have time to play vs worry about work. The only kink would be getting called for the EMT gig however, I’m really not expecting to be called in the first group.1

Anway, last year’s gathering was very fun and I got to meet quite a few folks. I’m hoping to add more to the list this year.

1 No, not giving up just being realistic.

Pissy Missy

Pissy queens really piss me off!

I’m online today and this rather attractive fellow emails me for playtime. Of course, as often seems to be the case here (sadly), he is into PNP. My profile clearly says that is a deal breaker.1 So, I just didn’t respond. I figure if you can’t read, I’m not gonna waste my time. Missy then decides to send me this rather pissy message.

Good thing sucking is a skill of yours because you seem to be rather lacking in social ones.

Oh really? I guess he thought because he was hot, that excuses poor behavior. Now, I feel compelled to respond.

My social skills are fine. However, I get tired of folks who don’t actually read before they send messages and then get pissy when I don’t respond. Your profile says you PNP and mine clearly says WE ARE NOT A MATCH. Now who needs to brush up on their social skills?

The moral of the story? Don’t be pissy. If your ego is so fragile you can’t take a little online rejection, especially when you are too ignorant to read a profile, you should probably turn off the computer all together.

Whew, I feel better. Do you?

1 Hello? Where do I work again?

Bear Hug

Well, I guess my fears about wild bears were unfounded. Not only were the bears very kind but there were quite a few muscle bears on the prowl this weekend. We had some unusually warm weather for this time of year so I’m sure it helped to keep them docile. *G* I got several grunts and woofs over the weekend. I’m still wondering why a little facial hair suddenly qualifies me as an “otter” (I think that is the term)? Speaking of bears, Brettcajun’s friend Rich from Dallas is in town. I’m supposed to meet him and his crew out tonight for a quick drink. I can’t be out late as I have a date w/my trainer tomorrow bright and early.

Oh! I almost forgot. My friend Bobby was showing off a fancy new camera the other day so I just had to have one. It takes really cool vids for a camera. I’ll post a few of those later. In the meantime, here is a mugshot of yours truly I snapped off today. Can you tell it’s my Monday?

Bears or Bust

My ride along today was pretty uneventful.1 I’ve settled into a good rhythm with the crew I ride with. They no longer feel the need to point everything out to me or even see if I know. If something big comes up, I ask or just take direction. We do the job and and still manage to have a good time of it. That said, I was rushed this morning and forgot my lunch along my clothing sheers. No biggie as they always have extra on board. However, we were kinda busy so getting a lunch break was tough. I ended up being the fortunate benefactor of an ER nurse who brought a grilled chicken sandwich down from the cafe for me.2 I tried to be grateful w/o encouraging her. I don’t think I succeeded though.

I had forgotten it’s IBR (Internationl Bear Rendezvous) weekend. Well, until I got home and discovered all the bears descending upon the Castro. It was as if someone had kicked over an antbed full of “bears”. lol I’ve been told recently because of my newish facial hair, I qualify as a bear or some other moniker I can’t think of at the moment. I don’t really feel like a bear. I didn’t do it to make the jump. I only mention it because it seems every year more and more “bears” develop an attitude toward the non-bears. As if you aren’t furry like a goat or your belly doesn’t protrude over your waistline, you are the enemy.3 Last year, a rather large queen had the audacity to say to my face, I wasn’t his type because I was too much of a gym bunny. We werent’ even in conversation. He just made a point to say it loud enough I could hear. Sad in my opinion but not completley unexpected. I think the bear community formed in part due to larger folks being shunned by the “pretty boy” crowd.4 So now, they’ve become the very thing they oppose? Ring any bells? It should.

I try not get get annoyed by the stupidity of a few but it does get tiresome. I get sick of all the in-fighting in our culture. The butch vs the fems, the neg vs the poz, the buff vs the bears. It doesn’t have to be that way. Not everyone you meet is an asshole. Some of us are quite nice. This year, I’m hoping for better.

1 Well as uneventful as one can expect riding on an ambulance.
2 I discovered recently she has a big crush on me. Lord, is she in for a heart ache!
3 Obviously, I’m over generalizing to make a point. I know plenty of “bears” here who are very nice. I boinked one just last week. *g*
4 I’m not now nor have I ever been a “pretty boy”.

What’s Next?

A resounding thank you, thank you for the belated birthday wishes. Alas, I didn’t take any pics while down in lala land. I’m horrible w/remembering to take the damn camera. You’ll just have to take my word for it, a good time was had by all.

I did get a few admonishments for not announcing my birthday up front. Well, pay attention. How much plainer could I have made it? *g* Joking aside, I normally don’t make a big deal over my birthdays. So what if I’m a year older. I survived the childhood from hell. Nothing since has ever been that difficult. My life continually gets better1 so I’m not complaining. Sure the vain part of me is beginning to notice I’m not young anymore; I have a few wrinkles here and there. My hair is ever getting shorter.2 And the boys aren’t as quick to look my way. But hey, that is the nature of life so why should I resent it?

I’m still in the best shape of my life. Oh, I whine about my muscle loss but that is minor compared to when I was uber skinny. I also have a job that pays the bills and allows me some room for playtime. My career of choice is on track albeit a bit slow. My health is good for my age. What’s to complain about? Oh sure, I could have been hung rich, pretty, or all of the above. Hell, I could have been a lot of things. And if a frog had longer legs he wouldn’t bump his ass either. My point here is I learned, somewhat painfully, to worry about what-is vs. what-might-have-been. I try to make the best with what I got. And frankly, I think I’m doing a pretty damn good job of it.

In simpler terms, I treat this body like a rental! I won’t be going to my grave some pristine corpse. Oh no, I plan on skidding into the grave a 60 mph a tore-up-from-the-floor-up, used and abused husk! I may not get my deposit back but that’s ok too. I’ll be able to say “what a ride!”

1 *Crossed fingers* it stays that way.
2 As I get older, I realize it is not falling out, it is falling thru!

Hipo What?

An anonymous reader called me a hypocrite today. Now before all my “homies” start yelling “oh no he didn’t!“, hold on a sec. If I consider myself anything, it is that I am fair-minded. Mr. Anon had a problem with my rant on stanky steam rooms (see below) and my comment on Joe My God’s blog about Gold’s gym getting busted by the Dept. of Health.

So, I thought about it to see if I really was being a hypocrite. I’m not seeing it. And, if you actually read my response1 you’d see I didn’t speak out against the issue. I did rant about Gold’s lack of consistency and my own observations. A clear distinction and not the least bit hypocritical. I think the real issue is Mr. Anon has a problem w/my behavior in general. I have no intention of trying to convince you I’m right. Nor will I make any apologies2, I am a grown man and take responsibility for my actions. If you know me, you know I often describe myself as an “opportunist.” Meaning? Why I never pass up a good time if it presents itself of course. Yes, that sometimes might include the steam room. The error in your judgment is that my self-indulgence is at the expense of other people’s comfort.

Lastly, you didn’t have to be anonymous. I encourage disagreeable comments as long as they are respectful. While a bit accusatory, you were respectful. I will add here it diminishes a belief in your convictions when you remain so “anonymous”.

1 I hate haloscan for this reason. It is too hard to link directly to my comment. Instead click the link, bring up the comments and then do a search for “moby”.
2 Since your email address was fake, I felt the need to redress your comments here.