Category: culture

Say “Cheese”

I often repeat myself so if this is such a case, my apologies in advance. My rant today is in reference to a message I got from an anonymous person on gaydar.co.uk. I say anonymous because his profile was devoid of pictures and had the barest of details filled out. Forgetting for a moment my profile states if you contact me, please have pics of yourself or don’t expect a response.

Said person, sends me a message. “Hey, you’re Hot” or something to that affect. Being overly tired of people not actually reading the profile before responding, I hit the generic “no thanks” button. His reply, “Go fuck yourself you stupid rude cunt.“. Hmmmm . . . I’m rude? I think someone is suffering from a delusion I give a shit. I kindly hit the block button and that was the end of that.

I bring it up because, in the age of the internet, people have the illusion that 1) you can log on and remain completely anonymous and 2) by being anonymous, absolve yourself of any responsibility for your behavior. Frankly, I do not concur.

Sites like gaydar.co.uk, manhunt, tribe, myspace, etc serve a purpose. Whether sexual or not, they exist to promote human interaction. It kind of defeats that purpose when you are acting John Doe. And no, it does not make you more alluring. If anything, it has just the opposite affect unless you are desperate. In an age of technology, one is left to ponder why (oh why) does some one need to be so invisible? In the gay world, it usually stems from one (or more) sources.

1) You are a narcissist but afraid to admit it.
2) You are too lazy to get off your ass and make an effort. Whether it be thru a filled out profile or having pictures of yourself.
3) You are ashamed of yourself be it behavior or appearance.
4) You are being deceitful w/someone else (Usually a lover or partner)

Regardless of the reason, I could care less. I have no time for such dramatics. Being from the South and an Aquarian, I am an incredibly social person. That said, I do not care for faceless interaction. Take my blog for example. Every person on my favorites list, I’ve either met in person or had enough interaction with to feel a connection to, be it bouncing between blogs, emails, chats, gaming, phone calls, etc. I also have a rather clear idea what they look like. I could see them on the street and recognize them.

The other part of my little tirade today is this. If you log onto a sex site looking for nookie and someone ignores you, don’t freak out. You shouldn’t be gleaning your self-respect from your sexual conquests first of all (so been there done that, still have the tshirt). All it means, is said person does not wish to have sex w/you. There is nothing that says they have too. And if you id is that fragile, you shouldn’t be online in the first place. If you take the time to send me a message beyond “sup” or “what are you into?“, I usually take the time to reply back. However, if I’m busy, distracted, or annoyed, I may just hit the delete button. It doesn’t mean I hate you, I’m just not interested in swapping bodily fluids with you. Rejection is part of life. You will never be everything to everyone. And expecting to is a recipe for misery.

So to recap my little BF today. If you choose to be “discreet” or “anonymous” on the net that is certainly your choice. It is my choice not to interact w/you. If you refuse to relent then don’t be bitter at others who also refuse to relent. And if you are bitter and lash out it only makes you look a) desperate or b) like an ass.

Hot Topics

Since google’s blogs all seem to be offline at the moment, I can’t check however, I’m pretty sure Joe.my.god knows he was featured in Advocates “Best Of” guide this month. I discovered him completely by accident while getting the hooves filed down today.

There he was big as life. Congrats big fella.

Rajun Cajun

Quite unexpectedly, I ran into an adorable cajun boy at the gym today. Not only sexy but turns out he is quite the sweetheart too. After our very enjoyable carnal encounter, I invited him to lunch and we had a great time hanging out. Don’t get me wrong, it was nothing more than good company. But, I forget sometimes how good ‘good company‘ feels. He was a most welcome distraction.

He is new to the city from Brettcajun’s neck of the woods, New Orleans. Aspiring actor, bartendar, and soon to be heart-breaker as well I bet. SF can be a hard city to live in if you can’t pay the bills. I hope he gains the foothold he needs to get established. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I think we might hang out again once I’m back from vacation.

Speaking of chores, I have to head off and finish my laundry. I’m sure you know now much I love that.

Winding Down

Gay High Holy day has come and gone and the city is slowly winding down returning to it’s normal self. There are lots of “boys” still hanging out. The difference today is no more leather. They’ve put all their drag away and switched back into regular garb. The scruff and 5 O’clock shadow promptly shaved away and replaced w/some much needed moisturizer. Yes, gone are the wanna-be daddies. In it’s place, packs of boys1 roaming the streets w/shopping bags and designer sunglasses in tow. I can’t hep but see the irony in it all. We go out of our way to dispel the negative stereotypes of the past while creating new ones for the future. The point here kiddies is you don’t have to dress up to have a good time. Go as yourself for a change. I just can’t help but laugh at how we shun drag queens but we uplift leather drag. Don’t kid yourself, it is drag just in a different fashion. (pun intended)

For all it’s glamour, Folsom has become a victim of it’s own growth. The event was started by the leather community as a way to give back to the community whilst celebrating diversity and sexual freedom. In the early years, it was truly an event not to be missed. And like many overlooked distinctions in our culture, Folsom has become just another catch phrase for corporate sponsorship and excuse to party to excess2. I can’t tell you the number of gasps I got when folks learned I had a free ticket to both Magnitude and Real Bad3, neither of which I went to. God forbid I miss out on the ‘it parties‘, whatever that means.

For my part, I had a good time at Folsom. But I have a good time at almost anything I set my mind too. I think next year I’ll work the event as an EMT or skip it all together. Too much focus is placed on the look and parties vs the meaning behind it these days. The newness has long worn off for me and I already live most of the things Folsom is supposed to represent.

A nod here to We, Like Sheep4.


1 ‘boy’ is my term for the trendy tight t-shirt and shorts combo that is almost the standard gay apparel these days.

2 Please don’t confuse my rant as an open dislike for the fair. It offers so much to so many. Anytime someone has a chance to express themselves, whatever the reasons, I support that. My life is already an open expression so I guess the purpose of Folsom is lost on me.

3 Working for a charity involved in the community does have it’s rewards.

4 I totally stole his method of using footnotes as expressions. I just thought it fair to give him credit.

Hard Gay?

I’m fond of teasing my compadres at work and they me. Today, we were laughing about some of the reality shows on TV these days and I made a passing comment “that is so gay”. Apparently, coming from a gay man, my straight counterparts found that extremely hilarious. One of the more macho guys laughed so hard he fell off his chair. I didn’t really say it to be funny. However, it made the rounds all over the room. I guess if you are out and gay and you call something else gay, it’s uber-gay! Who knew?

And has anyone else heard of the “hard gay” guy from Japan? My counter-part, kristaki, has and finds him utterly hilarious as well. What say you?

Gay High Holy Day

Next to Gay Pride, the Folsom St. Fair is the biggest gay event of the year here in SF. It is also the 2nd largest source of event income for the city. Some call it a debacle others call it a glorious celebration of sexuality and leather. Whatever you call it, it delivers a massive turnout of gays from all over the world. Oddly enough, I’ll be able to attend this year.

Normally, I work the event w/BCC but since I resigned this week that won’t happen. In brief, too much drama and very little support. They don’t care so neither do I. It was a chore I used to love and now it’s become a major pain in my ass. Not only that, I discovered today they are getting way overcharged for their domain hosting account. I’ve been trying to get’em to switch for months and months. Maybe now they will listen. Of course, I don’t give a rats tooty anymore. It means one less thing on my plate so there is a small silver lining on this cloud.

Work is busy as hell. I’m on so many damn committees I can’t keep up. Not to mention, I started a newsletter. OY! I got very discouraged this week from people’s petty bitching but that is the nature of the beast so deal with it right? Lots of changes in the works, all good so far. Keep your fingers crossed.

Home life is no different. NO social life so nothing new to update there. My friend Trev from Houston is coming to visit for the Fair. I took the week off as originally I was involved w/work for three different charities over Folsom weekend. Now that I’ve resigned from BCC, I’ll have more time to spend w/him. I hope my karma can survive the hit. (kidding of course) It will be odd to actually attend the fair instead of working it for a change. I also heard a dirty rumor that joe.my.god is coming to town.

I found a good bid for a painter. He is supposed to finish the job just in time for my friends visit so I’m excited. Of course, this means I have to put the damn entertainment center together now. @#$%!

Not No But Hell NO

I got dished today. Even harder than last time. Even moi gets kicked to the curb sometimes.

I’ve been seeing this guy around town for awhile now. At least a year. Usually in the gay ghetto or ghayto as I call it. Now my gaydar is pretty good but my nookie-dar is even better. But, I admit this guy had me a little stumped. He’d give me just enough signals to think he was interested but then he’d walk away. And for clarity, what I’d observed of said fella, I liked. I fancied him enough to consider asking him out. I know I know, God forbid I actually go on a date vs a booty call.

Today, I’m at Daddybucks catching up on some charity work. I see him as I enter and again w/the glances. As fate would have it, the only open seat was directly behind him just inside (he was outside). I sit down, setup, and start working. Every so often he literally turns far enough around to look at me. And the looks are coming fast and strong so I decide to return the favor. He is eating up. Then, status quo, he gets up and leaves. I’m miffed but not over annoyed at this point. Twenty minutes later he comes back. Not one glance this time. He spends a few minutes in conversation w/the bear congregation in front then comes inside. My first thought was he was coming over to say hi. Nay. He sits down w/this guy on the bench along the wall. Next to me but slightly to the back. I’m figuring he is using this as an excuse to get close enough to spark a conversation. Nay again fellow blogger. No, as it turns out he and this guy are “meeting” for the first time and a very intimate conversation ensues. Soon to be followed by some fumbling and petting.

At this point, I’m a little disgusted. I mean come on. Here you are going all gooey eyes for me and you turn and start rotating this guys crank right in front of me. I know I shouldn’t have been but I was pissed. After a few minutes, I packed up and left. (On a side note, this gave me the impetus to get my ass home to do laundry.)

So being a more than a little disappointed, it hasn’t ruined my mood. It’s been a hard couple of weeks and frankly, I don’t have time to let such nonsense ruin my day. However, I’m amazed at how fickle fags can be sometimes. I’m trying not to sound like a hypocrite here. I get around and it’s no secret I’m generous w/the nookie. However, I don’t “work” someone that hard and then switch to the next fella right in front of them!

Men. ba humbug Why couldn’t I have been a lesbian? (g)

Gaydar

No not the website but the mythical skill of devining if someone is gay or not. First, let me say gaydar is never 100%. However, some have a knack for picking the ‘mo’s out of a crowd, myself included.

I always get a giggle out of guys who go out of their way to hide the fact their gay. That, in itself, is a topic for another day. I tease my straight counterparts w/ “I can smell a fellow homo at 500 paces! The eyes are the quickest give away. I’m a roamer. My eyes are always roaming. I can’t help it. The quick glance or stare is always the easiest to spot. Or they look you up and down and then quickly look away. Ding! Then there are the guys who avoid eye contact in attempt to foil your signal. Little do they realize that’s also a dead give away. Duh! Oh and when you are sitting in a steam room w/a semi, I think it’s pretty obvious too.

In other less interesting news, I called in sick yesterday. I feel fine but my carpel tunnel was flaring up so I gave my fingers the day off. I have an ergo keyboard at home/work which is a god send. My case isn’t that bad however, I also have a light case of arthritis in my hands (not the crippling kind). When the two flare up together it tends to give me grief. My roomies works a 9 to 5’er so we took the opportunity to go shopping at Pottery Barn. He felt left out the other day when I did my power shopping at Ikea. We needed a few more knick-knacks for the living room. We have very different tastes it seems. We are making headway though. He likes ultra contemporary and I tend to like lots of hardwoods w/strong lines. Thank goodness we agree on colors.


Oh, and I bought a new watch (again) today. I managed to break the last one. Which is why I rarely spend over a $100 on a watch. I’m hard on my toys.

Sigh III

My last post yesterday brought up a lot of painful memories. It’s no wonder I’m feeling more than a little lonely today. Yeah, I still yearn for a partner in life. Yeah, I’d love to find a love as strong as the first one. The cluster fuck w/Bent Collective shows I’m still willing. But should I sacrifice myself in the process? Should I conform and be a ‘good little faggot’ to save face within our community? Should I change who I am and pretend it’s all “ok”? Or, should I jump from one failed relationship to the next in the vain hope of finding some attention? (Say it w/me kiddies . . . C-O – d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e!) Been there, done that, still have the t-shirt. I’ve done that most of my adult life and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of settling for second best. (And I think I’ve probably blathered on about this before but sometimes a horse needs a good beating.)

No, what this trip brought home to me is that I am unwilling to succomb to such an ugly emotion. I’ve seen firsthand what loneliness does to a person when left to fester in your soul. No, I will not conform. No, I will not change who I am just to be accepted. No, I will not look in every failed relationship for validation. Yes, I must face the possiblity that I may always be alone. But in the end, I’ll be able to say I found some self-respect. Something I’ve been lacking my whole life.

Pride II

I was jumping around and stumbled over Joe-my-god’s post about pride. He makes a great point and a powerful reminder. I’ve already shared my thoughts on Pride celebrations but I felt the need to weigh in again. If you aren’t part of “the scene” or “into the gays” but still identify as gay, that’s ok. Just don’t bash the rest of us. I usually try to avoid using such terms as they are completely subjective. Often times referring to a very limited portion of gay culture in general.

The mostly white bread, self-haters over at the LCR would have us believe drag queens, leather daddies, circuit boys, punk queers, etc are the doom to our culture and rights. You have it backwards boys. If anyone is holding us back, it’s you and your conformist attitudes. You make the same mistake our straight counterparts make. I shouldn’t have to conform to your views just to have equal rights. I was born a human being. That gives me the same rights of any other human. Who I sleep with and how often isn’t part of the equation. I don’t need to ‘play nice’ to gain equal treatment.

I’ve always been an oddity unto myself. I’ve never really felt like I fit in w/any “scene”. I sort of lurk on the fridges of all of’em. I go to clubs/parties. I go to drag shows. I go to leather bars. I workout often. I’ve even been seen in a few goth clubs. I also go to sex clubs bathouses, etc. None of which defines me, I just happen to like aspects of each. Some might say, I’m the ‘typical fag’. Does that somehow preclude me from being able to share my life w/another man? Leave my wordly possession to who I choose? Or prevent me from being able to celebrate the hard-earned freedoms gained in the last 20 years? In a word, NO.

Our narrow-minded brethern have mistakingly assumed that by “fitting in” we can advance our cause. How’s that going boys? From out here, I’m not seeing it. Maybe you should spend less time worrying about us ‘freaks’, and more time trying to accept that not everyone wants to be a corporate logo queen.

As pride week approaches and parades all over the world march the cause, take a moment to look back on your life. The pain, the sorrow, the disappointment is not unique to one. Many of us have “been there, done that”. Rejoyce in your freedoms and in each other. I know I sure as hell plan to.