Everyone is jockeying for the moral high ground after the Ferguson verdict. Social media is a shit-show of everyone pointing fingers at each other. I won’t even go into all the judge/juries that have appointed them selves verdict makers on Brown/Wilson’s implied guilt.

I feel like I have a unique perspective on the subject. [1] No surprise there right? lol   There is my work side that deals with law-enforcement issues every day of my career. I can see valid points from the officer’s story. There were several things Brown could have done to avoid the confrontation. Then there is my gay side that grew up at the hands of very rough and not so friendly police on more than one occasion. I can see valid points from Brown’s family. The police could have handled the situation better and not necessarily let it escalate out of control. 

The reality is neither side is blameless. No one has the moral high ground here. And no one should walk away feeling like they lost/won. We all lost. People often can’t resolve the cognitive dissonance created by the ambiguity of fault or blame. And because of this, we can’t admit that neither side is blameless. Brown refused to comply, Wilson overreacted. [2]Please spare me unnecessary rants on the variances of this over simplification

No matter who’s side you are on it still means nothing unless we act. If we truly want to fix these problems, we must move beyond the never-ending and condescending tantrums via social media. And while petitions and marches in the streets are excellent displays of solidarity, they are not enough. These things depend on someone else to fix our problems.

We as a citizenry must be involved. We cannot abandon, thru indifference, our oversight of those we place in power and be surprised when it suddenly becomes corrupt. Civic duty is not just serving jury duty or voting, begrudgingly. It is our guaranteed right thru the freedoms granted us. But we must exercise those rights. It should not be something we only do when it is convenient. It should be a part of our daily lives. [3]Do me a favor and read this paragraph again  If more of us get involved, we won’t need to constantly focus on blame. We’ll be in forums to constantly give oversight, feedback, and accountability to both sides.

Basically, I’m saying be involved or shut up and accept your servitude. It is that simple. Like any living thing, democracy must be fed or it dies from neglect. Go to your local police community meetings. If they aren’t offered,  rally your neighbors and friends and demand they have them. Go to your governing body’s public meetings. Call, write, and/or email your local and state leaders. And don’t do it once and call it good. Involvement is ongoing. Embrace your civic duties. Then and only then can we see real change.


1 No surprise there right? lol
2 Please spare me unnecessary rants on the variances of this over simplification
3 Do me a favor and read this paragraph again


I thought I’d provide a public service announcement today. Let me attempt to clarify (and edify) you on the differences between belief and bigotry.

Belief (or faith) in your [deity of choice] is soley your choice in life. Under the freedoms granted to you in our democracy, you are free to believe and celebrate (thru prayer, church, communion, etc) said belief thru its given dogma any way you choose. While I may or may not agree with your belief(s), you are entitled to them and I respect that. You are free to believe that being gay is an abomination. [1]So is eating shell-fish. Where is the outrage over shrimp? I mean just look at those nasty little buggers! They have ‘demon’ written all over them! You are free to hate me for being gay. Hate is not illegal. You are free to think that I will be transported to a magical place of fire/brimestone upon my death. You are free to ignore the fact that I was born gay. You are free to disagree with the later statement verbally. You are free to say your beliefs and share them with others by proselytizing [2]witnessing. These are your rights.

What you are not free to do is enforce your belief onto me, thru laws or otherwise. You are not free to commit a crime against me based on your hate. When you attempt to enforce your belief(s) onto me you are engaged in bigotry. You are not free to discriminate against me based on your belief when you provide public accommodations. You are not free force me to live your way. You are not free to prevent me from having the same rights as any other human being simply because I’m different. We do not live in a theocracy. And no matter how you might wish we did, we still do not. Your belief does not shield you from persecution when you cross over into being a bigot. And calling you out for your bigotry does not make you a victim of persecution. And no amount of cognitive dissonace, conflation, or twisting the english language will ever make it so.

Now you know. Go forth and edify others; so it is my commandment to you this 17th day of October in the year 11 of Moby’s blog.


1 So is eating shell-fish. Where is the outrage over shrimp? I mean just look at those nasty little buggers! They have ‘demon’ written all over them!
2 witnessing


I rarely discuss current events here as one, not really what my blog is about and two, successful discourse these days seems to be all but impossible. Having had several discussions with friends and even a few blog readers asking my thoughts on it, I thought I’d weigh in.

First, there is no clean answer. It is a sticky convoluted problem. Every answer put forward so far hurts someone. So if you look at the least amount of harm caused vs potential success then you can sort of see a way forward.

The boycott of companies. I don’t support a boycott. Primarily, because it won’t do any good. Put – head doesn’t care about the fallout or damage he causes, he only cares about furthering an agenda. He doesn’t care if we boycott one company or all of them, he will continue his agenda unabated. This is Russia we’re talking about. It’s history speaks for itself. Frankly, I don’t see that we do all that much business with Russian companies to begin with. I’m sure we have some but as a consumer I just don’t see it. I also don’t believe that they have any influence at all over their government. They don’t have the lobbyists like we do here. They don’t have the buying power like greedy corps here. The vodka company has been a decent supporter of gay rights before and after this incident. Why is it fair to punish them when they have zero influence over their government? Plus, boycotts are becoming so common as to be pointless and ineffective IMO. Even if they make further strides to support us, I still don’t support our methodology. The end does not justify the means if we give up the ethical/moral high ground. I don’t see the extra media attention as justification either. Said attention could have been garnered in other ways.

Boycotting the Olympics. Why, so the Russian athletes can take home all the medals? No thanks. Many of these athletes work their whole lives for this. To deny them that would be just a wrong as what is being done to us. How does wronging others do us any benefit? If anything, I think it would create more animosity towards the LGBT community.

Moving the Olympics. I would support a measure if there were time. From a very pragmatic approach, there isn’t and they wouldn’t even consider it. It takes years to plan and prepare for said event. As much as I’d love it if they were willing to move it, it’s not gonna happen. Too many ripple effects for a cause that is not near and dear to their hearts. If it were an option, this would be the one to go with. It would embarrass Russia and Put – head in a major way. Sadly, I just don’t see it as a real option.

Banning Russia from the Olympics. While still causing harm to their athletes, it would send a very powerful message to the government. While I still don’t like the idea of denying athletes, many of whom are probably gay, it is the least damaging of the previous options. Sadly, I’m not even sure that would work. Put – head has some pretty hard line policies and I can’t honestly believe he’d change his mind.

Pressuring sponsors. This is probably the least likely to cause harm but also least effective. I’d support the effort but I’m having a hard time finding a positive net result.

I would push other countries into a united front against Russia. Then if they didn’t budge the IOC could resort to banning Russia from attending. To me this seems to be the most effective way to make a positive change before the Olympics. Granted, any athletes that get arrested for ‘propaganda’ would set off world wide repercussions. While I’d never wish that on anyone, I’d support any athlete who did it! And sadly, I am worried it is the only really effective way to make a difference over there. *sigh*


Ding dong Prop 8 and DOMA (parts at least) are dead! lol It is high time too. Courtesy of the rulings, ss-couples can now not only be recognized at the state level but also the federal level. This is truly historic times for us.

To wake up and feel like an equal citizen for the first time [1]Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8 is amazing. And unlike before Prop 8, there is a sense of finality to the issue. There will be no more Prop 8s. We’ve gained recognition at a whole new level and I couldn’t be happier. To feel recognized and accepted under the law is just unbelievable. In a way, it is almost anti-climactic.

Of course, the fight is not over. We still have equal rights for our Trans brethren and we still have a slew of states that don’t yet recognize gay marriage and/or bar it completely. The latter is only a matter of time. If you read the DOMA ruling, the justices pretty much set it up. The bias and basis for these laws is based only on discrimination and ignorant religious dogma. As new cases wind their way thru the courts back to the supreme court, the issue of ss-marriage will be decided once and for all. All the states with these horrible restrictions and bans on ss-marriage will have to suck it up, just like they did for women voting, the end of segregation, and interracial marriages. All of which, they also tried to use religious dogma to enforce.

The tide has shifted to our side. Thanks to the multitudes of us living openly/honestly, the world is beginning to see we really aren’t that different. We want the same things in life. We aren’t out to destroy civilization. Hardly. lol With 7 billion people clogging up this poor planet, there is zero danger there. I look forward to the future w/new dreams that I never thought possible.


1 Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8

GHHD 2013

Well, GHHD #1 has come and gone this year. [1]Gay High Holy Day  This year was especially significant due the recent rulings of Prop 8 and DOMA, both of which got the axe! (More on those later)

My personal pride was somewhat subdued. I think I was so emotionally worn out from the day of the ruling, I just couldn’t muster super excitement. That is not to say I wasn’t happy. Anyway, I noticed a large number of straight people at the events this year. The number of straights in attendance has been increasing dramatically in recent years but this year seemed even more so. (More on that in another post)

I always go early to the events because I don’t like the drunkenness that ensues later on. Plus it isn’t yet unbearably busy. For a social person, I get really frustrated in cramped crowd environments. Anyway, the party was busy very early and since I had Cooper I had to take him home and come back. The most striking thing about the Pink party was the couples. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed so many couples before. Maybe it was the significance of the weekend but it really seemed like a lot more couples were in attendance. A good thing of course. I mention it only because I was struck by it.

I admit I had a moment of sadness for being single. I was a single guy surrounded by couples and I do like being coupled. But, then I remembered I am single not because I have to be but because I choose to be. When a guy comes along that compliments me in the way I need/want, then I’ll couple up again. I have no desire to be in a LTR just to avoid being lonely. It is a recipe for disaster and never ends well. So I pushed my momentary sadness away and embraced the freedom that I had and so rightly deserved.

Of course, Pride is barely over and many are whining about “do we need pride anymore?”  Yes we do. Just because it is no longer a benefit to you, doesn’t mean we do away with it. But more on that later too.

There was some bad news this year as well. Two shootings happened right outside the fair. It appears they weren’t straight on gay crime but details are still emerging. Two people were shot and so far both are expected to recover. This saddens me. While we welcome straights, often times as their numbers increase, so does the crime. And I’m not saying gays are less prone to crime than straights. But there is a fundamental difference between a drunk straight and gay guy. Gay guys usually just want to get laid, not start fights. They might read you to filth for some unknown slight vs trying to beat you up or shoot you. I’m not sure what the answer is here but I worry the outcome will be much like our old Halloween parties…shut it down. I hope not.

Now that it is over, I have plenty on my mind and even more to rant about. It certainly gave me blog fodder for a couple weeks. lol

I hope you all had a safe and loving pride, even if you didn’t celebrate or care.


1 Gay High Holy Day


Today’s rant is about the growing rift within our community as we march toward equality. I’m feeling a bit long-winded today, be warned. [1]I’ve already condensed this post twice

With the progress toward equality, not just under the law but also in the heart & minds of middle America, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems many do not like the march for equality because it would somehow mean giving up some of our culture’s ‘uniqueness’ or ‘queerness’ or whatever subjective term de jour you prefer. Even worse, many of the said folks have begun belittling those who  want inclusion. One has only to delve in the recent SF Pride/Bradly Manning scandal to see it. Actually, you can delve into pretty any recent scandal involving gay culture and see it. The name calling, the condescending attitudes, the outright vitriol for anyone who might simply want to be included and not stand out. It is shameful and makes us no better than the crazy fundies. Oh, the fear might be different but the end is the same. I’m disappointed to see us turning on ourselves over something that should be a given.

Parts of our gay culture developed on different paths. For some, it developed as an abandonment of those who abandoned us. [2]For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!  This group embraced the fact we were different. They began to celebrate and exemplify it. One might say it was liberating as they were freed from the constrictions of an overly restrictive puritanical moral code. In essence, they embraced everything that was outside the norm and rejoiced in the new found freedom it gave them. I would argue these outlets saved many from simply giving up. It is not an idea or approach that necessarily should be discarded. And as one would expect, many of these coping mechanisms became a way of life.

Then you have the holier-than-thou’s who thru ignorance and desperation cater to the idea that LGBT’s should avoid any display of stereotypes and conform. I guess they think if we look/act like the rest of society they’ll fear us less. Sadly, you see it most in the so called conservative gays who let greed dictate their actions. This ideology is flawed because it relies on the premise that I somehow am less deserving of equality and have to earn it thru conformity. It’s not and I don’t.

Then you have what I refer to as the rest of us. The largest percentage of LGBT folks who’ve always felt like they’ve been on the outside looking in and wanted to be inside. We’ve spent most of our lives hoping and fighting for equality. And now that it is happening, we are thrilled beyond measure. For myself, there are parts of me that identify with the first and last groups mentioned above. I stepped away from much of the puritanical nonsense long ago. But I still yearn to be treated equally under the law and not feel like an outcast in society.

The holier-than-thou’s will most likely adapt the easiest. They’ll just shift their need for conformity to greed and keep going. It will barely make a blip on their radar. The first group though are the ones who are struggling with our growing acceptance and for obvious reasons. They developed outside the norm and the norm is now alien to them in many ways. They see it as a relic of the past to be discarded. And on some points, I’d probably agree with them. But that doesn’t make it ok to turn on those who do not see it that way. And to see many within said group turn to hatred is disappointing. It shows first they are not as evolved as they’d like to think for one. Two, it shows they are scared and acting out of misplaced fear to save their way of life. A way of life that might very well be in danger to some degree but not in total destruction.

I would argue that we do not need to be divided. We can accept and rejoice at our inclusion into mainstream society and still maintain the things that gave our culture so much pizazz. And my advice to anyone who resents mainstreaming, don’t be so quick to hate those who’s only goal in life is to feel included. Not everyone copes the same way and it should not be derided because of it. Looking down your nose at LGBT brethren only serves to make you more like the fundies who hate us. They hate us because we are different. They hate us because we don’t act the way they do. Don’t make their shallow un-evolved mistakes. Be the bigger person and embrace the fact we are merging back into society.

And we can merge w/o giving up our culture. Sure some things might change and/or shrink but that is only because this generation is driven to be included. The next generation won’t feel that drive as strongly [3]because they will already feel included and will be more likely embrace uniqueness. Instead of lamenting for the old days, continue on your path and be there to help show them the way. If you need an example, you only have to look within the black community. They’ve maintained a separate culture while still being a part of society as whole. We can do the same but with the flair and creativity that gives us some of our uniqueness.


1 I’ve already condensed this post twice
2 For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!
3 because they will already feel included


For “God’s Gentle People”

Not even 12 hours after my post, the nasty-grams started rolling in. As always, new comments are held for moderation. It’s always a pleasure reading some of the nasty vitriol that people of faith can sometimes spew. And as always, while you may disagree with me, even vehemently, you may not make personal attacks on me. Not if you wish such comments to ever see the light of day. Such nonsense is deleted at my sole discretion.

I did get one semi-decent personal email message. What started off as rhetoric turned into, what I felt, was a disingenuous effort to call me a hypocrite. The person had obviously taken the time to read thru some of my blog. [1]Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle  For the sake of brevity, I will ignore all the religious quotes as they mean nothing to me. In a nutshell, the commenter implied that because I talk about my adult struggles and even my mention of being compulsive in the past that I am a liar. He goes on to attempt to hammer home many of Mat’s points about the “destructive gay lifestyle.”

If you’ve taken the time to read my previous rant or any of Mat’s stuff, you discover very quickly he blames a huge chunk of his own shortcomings and failures in life on being gay. Mat, regardless of the reasons, made some bad choices in his young gay life. [2]It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.  Those choices are a reflection on his growth (or lack) as a man, not his being gay. Choosing dark paths doesn’t make being gay the fault anymore than being straight would be at fault. Attempting to do so is nothing more than denial. And just because Mat paints us in over-generalizations to combat his own denial doesn’t make it true. One has only to look at the thousands of LGBT couples getting married all over this country now to see we just want to be equal. We want to be able to establish our families and be recognized under the law. And yes, many of us get caught up in some of the negative aspects of our community. But that doesn’t make us any less deserving of love, respect, and equality. Self-destructive behavior isn’t gay or straight, it’s human.

As for me, I make no bones about my openness regarding sex. I do NOT live a life based on puritanical restrictions. I also make no secret that I struggled with compulsiveness surrounding sex. I fell for many of the failed coping mechanisms that Mat did. But instead of blaming my own failings on being gay, I accepted myself. I worked on discovering why I was so compulsive and worked to correct it. I grew as a man, shedding many of the insecurities that plagued me as a youth and pushed me into some destructive or excessive behaviors. So you see dear reader, I am not a hypocrite. But I do not live in a world of absolutes so I don’t see it as you do. I live in this world with its many complicated, messy, fallible humans. Nor do I live a moral code based on fear of what might happen to me after I die. I chose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I struggle. My failures do not make me less deserving or make being gay inherently bad.

I stand by my words and my advice to Mat. I hope he finds peace. But I don’t believe he ever will until he lets go of trying to deny what he is.


1 Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle
2 It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.


Some of you will probably remember my Dear Kid open letter in response to a poster child for the ex-gay movement, Matt Moore. Matt’s story was slightly different as he wasn’t claiming to not be gay but just not embracing it. He has his own blog where he often laments his struggles. He also wrote a “Dear Kid” letter which I took offense to and attempted to rebut several times on his site and then of course, my own follow up open letter.

Well, as you may have heard Matt got busted posting a profile on grindr recently. And while many are saying, “I told you so” that is not my purpose here today. I truly feel remorse for this guy. It breaks my heart that he has locked himself into a self-reinforcing delusion that is fed by his faith. He laments his being gay and then blames many of his mistakes in life on being gay. He goes on to infer over and over that all gays are the stereotype and therefore the gay lifestyle should be avoided as unhealthy. Don’t even get me started on how he rationalizes away the thousands of couples getting married all over the country now that it is legal. And while I see his overgeneralizations as a disingenuous, maybe he never experienced anything but the stereotype so he actually believes we all live that way. I don’t really think so but am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. Plus, it is easier to avoid the truth when you are able to conveniently label everyone into neat little packages. The problem is humans are never that simple and never fit just one mold. Labels, while sometimes appropriate, do not define us.

How very convenient for him that the mantle of being gay can be so wide as to shoulder the blame for all his life’s woes. I can only imagine what my life would be like today if I’d taken his path. I probably would have already killed myself to be honest. Having already lived thru the conflict that he goes thru, I would never wish that on a single soul. It destroys your self-worth. You become desperate to accept anything that would help you explain it away. Naturally, religion offers an easy out. You get to absolve yourself of the “sin”, blame it on the devil, and then turn it all over to someone else to handle for you. Frankly, I prefer to have a code of conduct based on being a good man, not based on fear of what some all-powerful, yet oddly selfish, supernatural being might due to me after I die.

I hope that someday Matt can break out of his self-hatred and shame and see himself and the world more objectively. I fear he is on a path to destruction and I feel powerless to help.  He is blinded by ignorant [1]and often deliberately mistranslated dogma that teaches him to hate himself. He is he finding out the hard way that dumping your problems on a deity doesn’t really pan out. Of course, there is more dogma to counteract that failure so the cycle continues.

Being gay isn’t always a walk on the beach. It can be a rough road full of heart-ache, pain, disappointment, etc. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? Some might argue it’s easier to “get by” by pretending. I’d argue how’s that working out for you? Being gay has it’s challenges, no doubt, but that doesn’t equate denying who/what you are. Blaming being gay for your own insecurities and failings in life will not make it all better. It may make a convenient scapegoat but that only lasts so long. Our culture has issues, many grown out of coping mechanisms from being under constant attack but that does not make being gay inherently bad anymore than being born with blue eyes would. How may of those issues would be nonexistent if young gays grew up in a society not fixated on hating/condemning anyone different?

In my mind, it boils down to acceptance. You can accept that which you cannot change and strive to live a life that makes you happy and fulfilled, or you can hide from what you are and live a life of misery, self-hatred, distrust, and fear. Both will be filled w/mistakes as we are human after all. But which sounds better? Only you can decide for you.


1 and often deliberately mistranslated


Every time I hear someone refer to how advanced we are as a species, I point them to one of the many random headlines regarding discrimination against women, minorities, and gays. If that’s not enough then look to the senseless wars and deaths on a global scale We put profit above human lives. We put things above people’s well-being. We are not evolved. If anything we are moving to an unavoidable meltdown. The divide between the haves and have nots is growing exponentially. Eventually, all hell is going to break loose. You would think looking back on our long bloody history of fear, hate, and discrimination we would wise up and realize the truth; being different does not equate to being bad.

The idea that in this day and age we are still fighting over something as simple as who I should love and share my life with is preposterous! And all of it stems from ignorance and an unwillingness to accept anyone who is different. Ignorance is now celebrated in many parts of the world. People no longer care about the truth, especially if it gets in the way of their selfish pursuits. It is sickening. Instead of rising above our baser emotions, we are succumbing to them.

Our so called religious leaders no longer hold themselves to a standard of faith. Almost ever day now you read about priests/pastors/preachers, etc 1) ripping people off, 2) stealing, or 3) molesting kids and then covering it up. These are our spiritual leaders? Are you fucking kidding me? Even worse, fanatics that used to be ignored are now paraded on national TV because it gets sensationalist style ratings. Let me sum up all religions on this planet for you. You ready?

1) Follow the spirit, not the flesh
2) My way is the only way
3) Everyone who doesn’t believe as I believe is lost or evil.
Oh and I almost forgot…
4) Give me all your wealth.

That’s it. The first point is pretty much the only one worth saving. The others should be done away with if we hope to survive. How many millions of people have died in the last 12 centuries based on #2 and #3? How many people are dying right now?

Greed and the pursuit of things has consumed us as a society and is driving us to a breaking point. We are not evolving. If anything we are devolving and if we don’t do something soon, I fear for us as a species.


Unless you’re living under a rock you know that yet another horrible discriminatory amendment passed in North Caroline recently. The fundies managed to rush thru a smear campaign of lies and scare tactics. They’ve discovered the latter the only way they can effectively get people to vote to enshrine discrimination into their state constitutions. It was a sad day for the LGBT folks in NC. Ironically, the last time NC amended it’s constitution was to ban interracial marriage.

We all know where this is headed. The fundies know they can’t get a federal amendment passed so they are working in as many states as they can to keep us 2nd class citizens as long as possible. They also are all-in on trying to get Obama ousted next term. They are so desperate right now they would vote for anyone that gives them lip service. Overall support for us is growing more and more every year and they are quaking in their boots over that. Eventually, a federal law will pass nullifying all these hateful anti-gay measures. It will be years before we see it happen but I am confident it will.

However, it is important now more than ever that we continue to vote and make our voices heard. I’ve been somewhat disappointed in President Obama; however, he finally made me proud by making a symbolic statement for equality. I believe this was his strategy all along. If anything, I’m surprised he came out in full support of gay marriage before the upcoming election. And while I am extremely proud of him, I hope that it doesn’t hurt his chances at reelection. Another glaring reason why you need to vote. If you aren’t registered, please do so. It is times like these that we must make our voices heard. We must continue to hold those who are elected to represent us to represent ALL of us. Those who hate us are motivated and organized and if we don’t step up, we have no one but ourselves to blame.

Anyway, I’m dismayed yet another state fell for propaganda, racism, lies, and fear-mongered even though I’m not surprised. I send my love and best wishes to all those there who will have yet an even harder fight toward equality now.