Category: me

Secrets

I’m always amazed at some of the questions I get. Not because of content but the point of view. It gives me perspective outside of my own, which is always beneficial. It also helps me to learn about myself. Something I’ve always strived to do writing this here blog thingy. One such reader was perplexed by my Flip rant because I called it a secret. I guess maybe I should clarify. It wasn’t so much a secret as something I wasn’t overly proud of. ‘Lemme es’plain…’ lol

When I was younger, I was train wreck emotionally. I was very co-dependent, insecure blah, blah, blah…you get the point. [1]A very few of you have been with me since then and probably remember my rants on the subject  One of my biggest regrets was in my ongoing battle with said issues, I hurt more than one person. The fact that it was never intentional is irrelevant. I had a horrible habit of pursuing someone romantically w/o ever really deciding if the person was right for me. After the newness wore off and the drama set in, I would usually just break up with the person and move on. Saying it now sounds very callous and uncaring but I assure you that was never my intention.

My coping mechanism, meant to protect me, ended up doing to others what I was desperately afraid would be done to me. I ranted on it a lot on the old blog after Drew and I split way back when. I think I mentioned back then one particular guy I dated while still in Houston was a wake up call for me. I hurt him pretty badly. I always felt my breakup with Drew was my karma for him. I did get a chance to apologize to the guy years later and he was receptive to my apology.

So yeah, I felt a little ashamed to admit it out loud because I had recognized my top/bottom complex tied into my previous behavior of inadvertently misleading guys. I’m not ashamed as much as just disappointed in myself. The good news here is I have embraced who I am and more of what makes me really happy, physically and emotionally.

So there you go dear reader. Hopefully that explains it now.

🙂

 

References

References
↑1 A very few of you have been with me since then and probably remember my rants on the subject

Cheek

OMFG! Funny and true story. It’s very rare that I get embarrassed. It’s just not something I’m prone to but…

So I’m at the gym the other day. I always shower at the gym before I head to work. I’m standing at my locker after my shower getting dressed. I put my towel down on the floor to dry my feet. [1]lord knows what’s on those floors. lol  I bend over to pick up my bag to put in my locker. The guy behind me apparently decides to stand up right as I’m bending over. His face smacks right into my ass!

We were both incredibly embarrassed. I probably turned 10 shades of red. Thankfully, we were the only two in that section of the locker room at the time. Of course, after the initial, “OMG did that just happen” we both started laughing. I was grateful he could laugh it off. And I know what some of you are thinking, no I don’t think it was intentional on his part. The spontaneous emotion rolling on his face said it all.

We laughed, exchanged pleasantries before going on our way.

References

References
↑1 lord knows what’s on those floors. lol

Flip

My reader ingvisson made a very astute comment on my previous dating rant about my position of preference. He’s been reading long enough to remember a private rant I once made about my preferences. The specific rant was from 5 or 6 years ago and went like this, “from a mechanical or physical point of view, I prefer to top…That said, I think I make a better bottom.” The original rant was when I first opened the private section of my blog, which deals w/more carnal discussions. I’d forgotten I’d even mentioned it. But as I went back and read it I was struck at how I phrased it.

For a long time I called myself a bottom because I didn’t feel like I measured up. My own view of masculinity, manliness, prowess, etc was all tied to my warped view of what a man was. I had a hard time imagining or seeing myself as that type of man, so I figured my role was to be a bottom. The irony was moving to SF helped me grow out of the insecurities I had over it. Even though I usually had more fun being the top, because of my own self-image/esteem issues, I never could identify accordingly. One might say I was a closeted top? lolol Funny, but true. The bottom to top ratio here is significantly high and if I wanted to get laid, I had to top more. Supply & demand at it’s finest, eh? Anyway, as I began to top more I realized I actually preferred it. Between the extra practice and my maturing ideas I no longer felt like I didn’t measure up. It’s weird how we can compartmentalize internal issues and not see them objectively. Something that is so clear to me now was completely beyond me at the time. [1]Score another reason why I am happy I continue to blog

I used to say it was easier being a bottom but that’s not exactly true. It’s easy being a top. And while being a good top takes some skill, it takes a lot more effort, patience, flexibility, [2]in more ways than one lol and endurance to be a good bottom. I like to think when I did bottom I was good at it. Or at least I was told I was. Top or bottom, my energy is always the same so I do think I was good at it. 🙂 Regardless of position, be it comfort, pleasure, and/or choice, neither is a reflection on anyone’s manliness. Anyone who thinks such stupid ideas needs therapy.

True story, I’ve had more than one guy dump me because I didn’t put out enough, as the bottom. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of because, intentional or not, I misled people. One guy really read me the riot act and called me a tease. It was after him that I began to realize I was no longer worried about not being manly enough. Some of you long time readers will remember my experiment w/role playing and the boy from LA. After him, I knew that I no longer had to be anything I didn’t want to be. If I wanted to be a bottom, I could be. If I wanted to be a top, I could be. And be it lack of practice, my new-found confidence, aging, or all of the above, I don’t seem to enjoy bottoming much anymore. Oh, there are moments. hehehe The point I’m making is I still consider myself versatile to a degree. If I meet someone who likes to top as much as I do, I’ll make the effort. It may take some practice but I’m sure I could do it again.

So now you know one of my last big secrets. There isn’t many things that you few long termers don’t know about me know. lol

References

References
↑1 Score another reason why I am happy I continue to blog
↑2 in more ways than one lol

Banned

I’m slipping this rant into the scheduled posts. Only because it was time-relevant. lol

I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I have no idea why but I kept waking  up like every hour on the hour. I must have worn Cooper out as well because he slept right up till I crawled out of bed at 10:30 today. Usually, he is up and fidgeting and moving around the bedroom out of boredom. lol I called off to work today. I’m a bit cranky and feeling tired. After I’ve had some food in me, I’m gonna try to take a nice nap.

In other news, the proposed ban on public nudity here is scheduled to be voted on today. I’m at Cove cafe right now and several tables are discussing it. Every table had pretty much the same theme, “why do they have to force it on everyone?” Ironic, considering it was mostly locals doing the complaining. As mentioned, the issue really isn’t about nudity anymore IMO. Instead, it’s about people being forced to endure behavior they don’t like. That is the real crutch of the issue. SF has coexisted peacefully with the real nudists here for decades. Oh they get a few random complaints but nothing major. It’s known and even expected at some of the parks, beaches, bars, and various events here. It is tolerated well for the simple reason people who didn’t want to see it could avoid it. It wasn’t forced on you. With the exhibitionists setting up shop in the plaza smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood, people no longer felt it could be avoided. And that is when the complaints started rolling in, in earnest.

The issue has been conflated and twisted so much by both sides it borders on the ridiculous. Not to mention, something so silly  & foolish has divided the community in many aspects. Not that I’m surprised, good or bad, SF always tends to be controversial. And it won’t be over today unfortunately. I read the ban is being challenged in court as a violation of freedom of speech. I say good luck with that. You’d have to prove some sort of harm for it to pass muster. And considering it only covers public spaces, I find it a stretch to claim it somehow restricts people but whatev. I’ll be glad when it’s over so we can all move on to bigger more important issues.

0-2

So, it appears I’m 0-2 on my recent dates. lol The 2nd guy started out very sweet but then got all jealous after 2 (yes 2) dates. He then promptly stopped responding to me as a way of ending it. Such behavior reeks of immaturity, which tells me it was for the best. I am not looking for drama and if you wanna throw a tantrum, knock yourself out. Had I not repeatedly made it clear this was a FWB sort of deal, [1]To which he stated he was looking for the same I could have at least understood to a degree. And we discussed it more than once. Whatev. Maybe this is the universe’s way of protecting me from drama. lolol

After the bizarre episode with the porn guy, I wasn’t sure it was the best idea but I told myself I wouldn’t avoid dating this time around. After Drew and I separated, I didn’t exactly hide from the world but I shut myself off from feelings or dating. I became almost mechanical when it came to hook-ups and play time. I guess in some ways it was a defense-mechanism. Anyhoo, I promised myself this time around I wouldn’t do that. So yeah, I’m still making the effort. I’d rather try and fail vs not try at all.

References

References
↑1 To which he stated he was looking for the same

Change

Ever have one of those odd moments where you flash back to time in your past w/o any real explanation?

I was standing in my bathroom this morning and had an abrupt flash of a time when I was growing up and still at home in East, TX. I was overcome with a sense of being in two places at once. It was almost as if I could see both scenes overlayed on top of each other. I have no idea what sparked it but it was a bit jarring.

I started thinking about how much my life has changed since then and how very different I live. While I’m by no means wealthy, I lived very different back then. And while there were times I went w/o things I wanted, I can’t remember many times of going w/o things I needed. I grew up very poor in the boonies of East TX. My family moved from Louisiana to Texas when I was young. They actually moved from a small town to an even smaller & very remote town. lol

Looking back at the memory, it felt foreign. I probably don’t need to say my home was very cluttered and somewhat disheveled. lol I’m not making fun just stating fact. I didn’t know any better at time. I thought everyone lived the way we did. My parents weren’t hoarders but they tended to keep a lot of unnecessary stuff. I guess this might be part of how different the memory felt.

It’s funny how life changes around us and we sort of forget how different things can be. People to this day still don’t always believe me when I explain how I grew up. I admit, it sounds almost alien. It was like one step above the TV show, The Beverly Hillbillies. [1]prior to their getting rich. lol People still laugh when I tell them we had a washing machine with a crank. We had an outhouse at one time. We had a “frigadere” specifically for fresh kill before it was skinned and cut up for sale or food. (It sat on the back porch) Our a/c was a giant industrial fan mounted in the ceiling. Our heater was a wood burning stove. We never had cable. We didn’t have a phone. [2]My parents got one at some point after my 18th birthday but before my 22nd one. I had been long gone from home before then. Our water was a self-drilled well. The only thing we got from the city was electricity. And that went out every time a thunderstorm came thru, which was often. We grew our own vegetables and slaughtered our own meat. We only bought things we couldn’t readily produce (or didn’t want to). Before my foster mom died, she even made all of our clothes. For me, it was my way of life. I didn’t know different until I got older and discovered people lived in different ways. Not everyone had a separate fridge just for hunting. lol Nor did everyone have their own personal little bear logo stitched on their clothes. (My mom had a logo for each of us.)

I look at my life now and then and it’s literally like two different people. Many of the modern coveniences I’ve come to take for granted were unheard of back then. I mean how did I live before the internet, Google, Netflix, email, smartphones, etc!? Ironically, we did live and we did ok. In some ways, I think it made me more well-rounded. I can say for sure it makes me appreciate the things I do have today more.

References

References
↑1 prior to their getting rich. lol
↑2 My parents got one at some point after my 18th birthday but before my 22nd one. I had been long gone from home before then.

Up

Well, it looks like I’m up and running again. I’m still tinkering with the settings but so far so good. I had an issues last night when the domain updated. [1]user error lol

I’m still getting settled with the new host. If you notice any problems, please email me, blogs@[insertmydomainnamehere]

PS: The old blog archive is still down. Naturally, shitty 1and1 is down. (not my domain but all of their admin services) Once, it comes back up I’ll finish the migration. The hard part is over though! Yay!

References

References
↑1 user error lol

Mainstream

I like gay-themed movies, books, tv-shows etc. I like seeing characters who represent me. That would be a no-brainer I guess if ya think about it, like likes like. That said, I’ve been disappointed for years with many of the gay-themed entertainment options. A lot of the books are basically soft-core porn. Sorting thru all the crap to find the real gems is not an easy task. Amazon should cut me a check for all the crappy ebooks I’ve had to sort thru. The movies aren’t much better. At least on Netflix I’m not losing money. lol And to be fair, there are some great gay-themed books and movies out there, even iconic ones. Sadly, they are the exception vs the rule. What is our fascination w/being werewolves and vampires btw? Seriously, like 50% of all the gay-themed scifi/horror books follow this format.

Anyway, I’d heard about the movie BearCity being produced and released awhile back. Even better, I heard some really positive reviews on it. I queued it up on my Netflix and had a chance to watch it the other day. I can honestly say the bears are officially mainstream. And by that, I mean they now have their very own overly contrived movie(s) that smashes would-be heart-warming scenes with the hammer of constant self-reinforcing stereotypes. God what a mess, where do I even begin?

The movie boils down to three plots.

Plot #1: Opens with a cute thin guy who is an aspiring actor and closeted bear-lover. Said guy falls for the popular fuzzy muscle bear who basically spends 90% of the movie bouncing from hookup to hookup all the while dishing the guy until finally he “falls” for him in the end.

Plot #2: Involves a very overweight bear and his cute muscle cub. The large bear is considering a gastro bypass to bring his weight down to help with getting a job. The cub and his friends are all adamantly against it.

Plot #3: A couple explores ‘opening‘ their relationship.

Before I continue with my very unhappy review, let me first say there are several funny scenes in the movie. IMO, the two best characters were the nellie gay boy (the original roomie of the bear-lover from Plot #1) and the large bear from Plot #2. They stole the movie. Moving on…

Plot #1 tries hard to make you believe the hot bear has suddenly changed his ways (at the very end) and falls madly in-love with his chaser. This whole story was so contrived and fake as to be laughable. And the overt stereotyping from this plot made my skin crawl. I almost turned the movie off several times while this story unfolded.

Plot #2 really upset me because the implied message was don’t worry about how overweight your are, just be happy with yourself. Normally that would be a great message for self-respect and self-esteem. The problem here is the large bear was not just a little overweight he was grossly overweight. The type of 100+ lbs overweight that significantly shortens one’s life span. This whole storyline pissed me off because it masqueraded as a message of being ‘accepting of yourself.‘ There is a very important distinction between being accepting of one’s flaws and taking no responsibility for your bad habits/behavior. This plot could have saved the movie had it not been so extreme.

Plot #3 jumpstarts when the older bear in the couple gets the hots for the thin bear-chaser guy from Plot #1. The bear-chaser ends up being their roommate. [1]Yes, I know it all sounds very lesbianish. lol Toward the end of the movie, they do finally agree to open up their relationship. A couple abstract sex scenes later, you see both of them getting high and showing more emotion while high than at any point in the whole movie. I still don’t quite understand the point of this particular storyline. The only implication I could find was ‘to be happy, we have to be high,’ which is pathetic IMHO.

The entire movie gave the impression that being a bear (or wanting to date one) was the characters only lot in life. And I think this is what rubbed me wrong the most. Of course, it isn’t much different from many other gay movies out there so I am not singling this particular movie out. And lord knows I’m not bashing bears, I’m more of a bear than not. So yeah, I thought it sucked. Maybe it was my own fault for getting my hopes up. I was expecting something more after all the reviews I’ve heard so far. Needless to say, I won’t be watching the second one.

References

References
↑1 Yes, I know it all sounds very lesbianish. lol

Teef’es

I’ve finally decided to move forward with the teeth work I’ve been putting off for years. Structurally, they are all fine but cosmetically they need some work. lol I’ve been putting it off and putting it off and I figure it is time to bite the bullet. (pun intended)

Due to some traumatic injuries playing football in high school, I’ve had a slightly crooked grill since. Nothing major or gross but still crooked. On top of that, I want to get veneers for the front grill to make’em all nice and ‘purdy.

I’ve been putting off braces for obvious reasons ie I hate going to the dentist. lol It also happens to interfere with certain skills. [1]You laugh but I ain’t joking. I can’t go 18 months w/o. lolol  Now, thanks to modern technology and lower prices, I can go with invisilign so as not to cause problems. Once that is done I’ll work on the veneers.

The one hitch in the whole process is one of my top two front teeth. The tooth actually came completely out in the above mentioned injury. Knowing it was my permanent tooth, I promptly shoved it back in in the hopes it would grow back. As luck would have it, it did. Unfortunately, after a root canal, the tooth died inside. It is structurally sound but if I start moving it around, it may come out. I’ll see what the Orhto doc recommends but I’m prepared to move into a replacement if he deems it necessary. I can’t even whiten my teeth too far right now because of this same tooth. Being dark on the inside, if I whiten my teeth too much the lone tooth would stand out like a sore thumb. lol

Anyway, I plan on getting a referral for an Ortho doc at my yearly cleaning in a couple weeks. I’m nervous as all hell about it but it is time. I’m 42 this next year and while not an overly vain creature, I’d like to have my teeth look nice. My insurance will cover the braces but the cosmetic work will be all out of pocket. I figure I can put in some overtime to cover it.

If anyone has had veneers done, I’d appreciate your feedback!

References

References
↑1 You laugh but I ain’t joking. I can’t go 18 months w/o. lolol

Swim

I (re)joined 24-hour Fitness last week as a secondary gym. I say secondary because I am still at Fitness SF. [1]The artist formerly known as Gold’s gym lol I love the large selection of free-weights at FSF so I’d be hard pressed to ever ditch them. 24-hour has free-weights but their gyms rarely have a decent selection. They are often chock full of cybex and ISO equipment. All good machines, I just like having free-weights.  Anyway, I’ve been missing having access to a jacuzzi or pool.  My old high-rise complex I used to live in had both and I got spoiled. It is pretty much the only thing I miss about living over there. Several of the 24-hour’s here have both so I decided to join up. My finances are a bit better now so I figured I could eat the extra $30 a month for a 2nd gym membership. I’m not under contract or anything so I can cancel anytime if I get bored or stop using it.

OMG, can I just tell you how great it felt to be in a pool again! [2]The ocean here is pretty cold year-round so unless you are extremely dedicated to swimming, most folks avoid the water.  I used to swim a lot when I lived in TX. I’d forgotten how much I loved it. (And how much of a cardio workout it can be) I also discovered how weak I was in my shoulders. Oy!  I guess that’s a given considering I’ve been thru 2 shoulder injuries in the last 10 years. I didn’t have any range of motion issues, which is good, but the skill has definitely atrophied. I could only do a full lap before I had to stop and rest. lol Needless to say, I’ll be getting back into the habit again. The upside is I can now skip cardio on the treadmills and go jump in the pool! Yay! lol

Since the gym is open 24 hours my schedule won’t be a problem either. lol I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner! My only complaint is the two closet to me are tiny. The Castro one is basically a closet. It was one of the reasons I switched after I moved to SF. The Noe Valley one is small as well. Neither of those have a pool or jacuzzi anyway. The one by my work has a jacuzzi and  the Potrero Center one, which is blocks from FSF Brannan location, has a jacuzzi and pool. Considering all 4 are within 2 miles of my house, I can’t really complain.

References

References
↑1 The artist formerly known as Gold’s gym lol
↑2 The ocean here is pretty cold year-round so unless you are extremely dedicated to swimming, most folks avoid the water.