Category: me

Gubbmint

I am soooo tired of the shrilling over the guns in this country. Seriously, even some of my own friends have fallen off the deep end w/some of their comments about gun rights. And the cognitive dissonance to trump up reasons to avoid enacting stronger controls is just dazzling to behold. As a preface, I grew up on a farm with plenty of guns. We had a variety of rifles, shotguns, and occasionally even a few handguns. I also work for a law-enforcement agency. I am as pro-gun as can be. That being said, I am also pro-responsibility.

You do not need a high-powered weapon that pumps out bullets in microseconds. You cannot come up with a single valid reason, other than selfishness [1]or naked male insecurity to validate a need for such things. There may have been a time when we as a society could live w/o such restrictions but that time is long past. And for that matter, the 2nd amendment does not give you unrestricted rights to any type of firearm. It refers to a well regulated militia, keyword regulated. The government can and has regulated the types of weapons that are legal/carry in this country for decades.

POTUS is not “after your guns.” This is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard so far. The conspiracy theories I’ve heard are beyond crazy. For the record, this POTUS has done less than any recent sitting prez in memory regarding gun regulations. The fact that he has been pushed into coming up with some sensible gun regulations after repeated tragedies does not make him ‘after your guns.‘ Many of the proposals put forward were already in a previous assault-weapons ban that expired recently. The world kept turning and people still had guns while the ban was in place. The rest helps close loop-holes so felons, mentally-ill, etc cannot get access to weapons they shouldn’t have. Getting a background check for all weapons sales is not unrealistic in any fashion. You’d think this would be a no-brainer.

Then we hear the argument, if we take the guns away, the killers will still kill. Really? So should we also do away with laws that prevent murder? People are still getting murdered so why have a law right? Again, this argument would be more relevant if we were talking about banning all guns. We aren’t. You can listen to all the rhetoric and lies being pumped out by the NRA and the crazies, or you can look at cold hard facts. Restricting access to types of weapons in no way infers the government is after all weapons. You’ll still be able to legally buy a gun to protect yourself. You just won’t have access to weapons that pump out rounds and rounds of bullets every minute.

Lastly, the only possibly relevant reason you could argue for keeping assault weapons would be to protect yourself from a tyrannical government. Sounds simple on it’s face. But let’s look at that for a moment. When the 2nd amendment was written the government was on equal footing with its citizenship when it came to weapons. Beyond cannons, the government had pretty much the same weapons as everyone else. It took minutes to load said weapons and the range was quite limited. That couldn’t be further from the truth today. The reality is your ‘gubbmint’ has enough automated firepower to wipe out entire cities w/o a single soldier setting foot on the ground. If the government really wanted to come after its citizens, it could. We haven’t lived in an age of equal footing regarding armed rebellion pretty much since the civil war. Those days are behind us. And to think otherwise, is more than foolish. So this idea that you need assault weapons to protect you from the government is flawed logic at its finest.

If you add all the civilized countries on the entire planet together, we still out-number them in gun deaths almost 10-1. You can lie to yourself and others about your reasons, but common sense will prevail in the end. It may not prevail right away or even during this administration, but it will eventually. The question is how many more people (and children) have to die needlessly before we wake up as a country and act responsibly?

References

References
↑1 or naked male insecurity

Reject

After my last rant, I remembered an email a reader had sent me previously about rejection. He basically asked how I handled rejection.

Learning to handle rejection can be a hard lesson in life. I struggled with it a lot as a young man. Not to say I’m immune to it now, because I’m not. Rejection is part of life. There are still times when it stings. You cannot get thru this world w/o facing rejection in some form or fashion. It is how you handle the rejection that defines your character and growth as a man (or woman).

The hardest and often longest struggle is overcoming your own insecurities. This is often a lifetime goal that will probably never go away. It may get better but it’s always there. We all have insecurities. Yes, read it again. We all have insecurities. And we are often hardest on ourselves. I can’t give you any specific answer here. You first have to be objective enough to recognize said insecurities first. Then, and only then can you begin to work on them. But to realize everyone has them goes a long way to help you feel less alone about it.

What you should avoid is going down a path of ‘what’s wrong with me?‘ should you be rejected. Rejection doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means there isn’t a match. No one is everyone’s type and vice-versa. In regards to sex or romantic interest, attraction is a two-way street and if it isn’t both ways then rejection is bound to happen. Of course, it stings, especially when it is someone you are really attracted to. But that in no way diminishes who and what you are. I can speak from experience. I used to internalize it something awful. I’d get down on myself assuming I wasn’t handsome enough, hung enough, buff enough, masculine enough, the list goes on and on. The reality often had nothing with what I was projecting.

Case and point, I used to have the hots for this tall older buff guy when I was living in Colorado. In my eyes, he had it all. He was handsome, hung, articulate, and buff. I’d follow him around like a puppy when I saw him at certain “haunts.” He was never rude or mean to me but he made it plain that he wasn’t interested. I was so dejected. To say I beat myself up over it would be an understatement. At it’s worst, my mood would get so bad when I ran into him I’d often leave.

Be it pity or just kindness, he sort of reached out and befriended me. After we became friends I quickly discovered he had a penchant for young, smooth, pretty blond boys. I mean this was pretty much his only attraction range. There was nothing wrong with me, I was simply not his type. As time progressed, I discovered the same insecurities in him that I had. If he got rejected by a point of interest, he would go into a funk no less severe than my own. It was quite an eye-opening experience and was one of the first times I started looking beyond my insecurities to the bigger picture. He also let me know that he did in fact befriend me because I never pushed it too far. He knew I liked him but because I never tried to force myself on him, he appreciated it.

While not every situation will be this cut and dry, that isn’t the point. The point is that you can’t be everyone’s type. And just because someone declines interest doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. [1]And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway. And just because you see someone as being ‘the it’, that doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with the very same issues.

References

References
↑1 And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway.

Profile

I was cleaning some really old files off my webserver the other day and I stumbled upon an edit file of old profile info I used to post on AOL. [1]That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.   I had a habit of saving my profile descriptions. I’d often just copy/paste the same profile info as necessary across different sites. Anyway, I was a little disappointed after perusing some of the content. I had forgotten some of the disrespectful things I used to put in my profiles. Granted, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful but that really isn’t the point. Intentional or not, referring to a whole race of people as being off-limits is offensive. The same goes for “not fats, no fems, etc.”

While I did eventually see the error of my ways, I’m sad to say many have not. You only need peruse pretty much any online social site to see guys posting the same type of comments. And don’t even get me started on the over-use of ‘masculine-only.‘ That is a rant all to itself. We’ll save it for a rainy day.

Anyway, whether you intend it or not, it is offensive to put such things in a profile. I’ve probably ranted on this subject before but it bears repeating. Instead of telling the world what you’re not into, focus on what you are into and keep it positive. Leave out the negative comments as it only serves to make you look like an ass. And it often makes you less appealing to prospective suitors. After all, the old saying goes ‘you catch more flies with honey...’

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After I wrote this I found the original post on the subject. How funny I gave it the same title. I guess my mind still thinks the same way.

References

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↑1 That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.

Year 9

I survived NYE at work. Lord what a mess. Thankfully, I didn’t get mandatoried this year. I hedged my bets a bit by already having worked some OT but as luck would have it, I was far enough up the food chain to avoid it. The crazy started early, died off for a bit and then was getting heavy again by the time I left.

Well, here we are at year 9 of le blog. Man, what a ride. lol I already touched on my goals for the new year so no need to rehash it. The gym is already crazy with the influx of newbies. Everyone is making resolutions and plans for the new year. On some level I appreciate the fact that every NYE seems to bring a since of renewal and new beginnings. On the other hand, why does it have to be that way? Why can’t we focus on the things we don’t want or like in our lives and work to improve them anytime? The world may never know. lol

Anyway, I admit to getting the “new” bug. I’m looking forward to the new year. I’m super motivated in the gym again. I’m still working on digging myself out of the financial hole I’m in and and all around optimistic. Cooper is doing well and will continue to be the superstar that he is. As always, he brings me so much joy, it simply beyond words to explain. Work is work, nothing new there. Oh I didn’t get selected for the sup’s position. I’m oddly not disappointed. Considering I was so on the fence about it, I guess it’s a sign it wasn’t meant to be just yet.

In my personal life, things are calm. I’m not dating anyone but I did finally [1]after 9 years meet up with a long time crush. We actually met thru my blog. I’m not expecting anything other than a chance to get to know him. If something develops, great. If not, I’m sure we’ll still be friends.

The blog is, as ever, a work in progress. Who knows what I’ll come up with this year. Every time I think I’m done learning about myself a new life lesson comes along. Hopefully, that will continue. Lord knows I’ll keep blathering on. I’ve been receiving a lot of requests for more of the adult info. I’ll do what I can. It’s not that I don’t like sharing but it often seems so contrived when I talk about it as if I’m bragging. I’m not above bragging but that really isn’t why I share. In the meantime, you’ll have to be content with my regular ramblings and Jimbo and I picking on his royal bitchiness, brettcajun.

So, here’s to a prosperous and good year to you all!

References

References
↑1 after 9 years

After

Well the big festival / mess that is Christmas is over. Now we can all turn our gaze to the coming new year.

A special thank you to everyone who sent me cards this year. I easily got more cards than I sent. And while I don’t send my cards expecting one in return, it was so very sweet getting all the nice cards. Hell, I didn’t even know some of you had my mailing address. [1]Stalkers! lol  I probably say this every year but it really meant a lot to me. It was just me and Cooper this year and I was afraid I’d end feeling lonely. I didn’t at all. I’ve actually been in great spirits the whole time. Nonetheless, it was still very comforting having so many of my friends and readers reach out to me. You guys are awesome.

On  a side rant, several of my friends don’t get why I spend so much time on cards vs the actual holiday. Well, the holiday itself has become an over-hyped consumer event for one. I also don’t celebrate “christian” faith so I honestly don’t get much from the day itself. Doing my cards is more fun. It’s a big process for me. I often will buy 5-10 different packs of cards at a time. [2]Even though, I chose to use up all my leftovers this year. If you got the same one twice, apologies.  As I go thru each person on the list, I reflect on how I know the person. For my blog readers, I use this time to purge all my blog emails for the year. But before I do, I pull up my comment emails and sort by users so I can review all their feedback. It makes me feel closer to the person. Of course, the wax seals are a blast. It’s probably one of the few old traditions I embrace. There may come a day when we no longer send snail mail but until then, I’ll keep doing it.

As I move into year 9 of the blog, I’m so very grateful for all the advice, feedback, support, comments, and even differences of opinion you all have given me. This blog represents an important chronicle of my growth. It not only covers my life over the last 8 years but also my life in general and my growth into manhood. I honestly don’t think I’d be the person I am now w/o having done this blog. It has helped me (and others I’m told) in so many ways I’ve lost count.

Here’s to year 9 being a good one! My number chart says this is supposed to be a good year for me. I don’t put a lot of stock in it but here’s hoping it’s right! I could certainly use a good year. So from the bottom of my heart, I offer you all a huge thank you. Cooper and I wish you a very prosperous and happy year ahead!

~ Moby

References

References
↑1 Stalkers! lol
↑2 Even though, I chose to use up all my leftovers this year. If you got the same one twice, apologies.

Compulsion

I was commenting on a rant on Facebook the other day. The rant was whether sexual addiction was truly an addiction vs a symptom of another problem.

There was a time when I considered myself a border line sex addict. I seem to remember discussing it on the old blog. While I never felt like I fit the general description of a sex-addict, I did have an issue with being compulsive. Out of misguided needs for attention, validation, companionship, etc, I had developed a very compulsive habit of searching for sex. It didn’t happen over night and took years to develop. After moving to SF, being fresh meat in a new city didn’t help none either. If anything, it made it worse. The availability and openness here was very refreshing but it fed into my insecurities. In a way, it might have inadvertently helped me because I finally realized my behavior was out of control.

So here is a rundown of what my life was like during this time frame. First, I had a habit of waking up and going to online hook-up sites looking for sex. I’d log on at various times throughout the day looking for sex. I’d log on at night, you guessed it, looking for sex. lol But it didn’t stop there. I’d randomly have sex in the steamroom at the gym when the opportunity presented itself. I practically lived at Blowbuddies on weekends. Don’t laugh too hard but I used to mail-order condoms in bulk supply to avoid the extra expense! I lived and breathed the pursuit of sex. There were times when I wasn’t even available but I’d go online just for the gratification of someone being interested. It didn’t matter if I was interested in them at all. To say I was compulsive is an understatement. But, as much as I enjoyed the sex, it really wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t addicted to the sex. It was just an outlet. I was insecure. I had a horribly low-self image. I wasn’t happy with my body. Having a strong libido and being good at sex made it a natural outlet for my validation. Once I started working on my demons, my self-image/esteem improved. And like magic I found that I was less compulsive about it. As time went by, the ‘drive’ dissipated to what I now consider healthy levels of sexual pursuit. (for me anyway)

I don’t know if sex-addiction actually exists. Many experts claim it does but that many more claim it doesn’t. I don’t have the answer. From my own experiences not only with myself but others, I tend to think it is not a true addiction. I’ve only met a few self-identified sex addicts [1]no not being funny, people who really claim their addicts and they seem to be in the same boat I was; not true addicts but using it as a outlet for bigger issues. True addictions often have a physical and psychological component. Compulsiveness over sex doesn’t have a physical withdrawal. I’ve never met a person who had physical harmful manifestations from a lack of sex.

I used to watch a show on LOGO that dealt with addictions. One such patient on the show was a “sex addict.” But just as a described above, his issue wasn’t the sex at all but deeper psychological trauma that manifested in sexual conquests. The therapist treated him as a sexual addict but the issues they worked on had nothing to do with sex.

I do believe gay men can be very compulsive about sex and it can and does interfere with our lives. But rather than treating the symptom as a disorder, let us focus on the bigger issues that cause the symptoms. And while it may not be a true addiction, that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t seek treatment for it.

References

References
↑1 no not being funny, people who really claim their addicts

Here

Well, if you’re reading this, we are all still here. The world didn’t end because the Mayan’s decided to stop counting at 12.21.12. Of course, we already knew the other half of the planet already rotating into the 12.21.12 time zone is still there.

Now maybe all the end of the world crazies can move on and find something more useful to obsess about. Naaaaah

Now that it’s over (pun intended) I thought I’d share a funny story. While I’m leaving the gym yesterday, I’m walking thru the ‘hood and see a rather fugly MUNI driver standing on the corner [1]in his work uniform mind you making very strong advances to a female that was walking by.  He circles her, looking her up and down, making very direct and inappropriate comments to her in attempt to establish is manliness and land her number. Seriously, it was a spectacle to behold.

Getting a wild hair up my ass, I decided to teach him a lesson. As the female walks away in disgust, I walk up to him and proceed to do the exact same thing. I walk around him making comments, looking him up and down, asking for his number, his bus route, and how I can “get me some.” You can clearly see he is holding back the F-word as he gets more and more angry. Right when is about to totally lose his shit I lamented and said, “now you know how it feels don’t ya? It doesn’t feel very good when the shoe is on the other foot. You were totally disrespectful to that woman. You made an ass of yourself and she walked away thinking how disgusting you were. Next time try a little class or at very least don’t be so disrespectful.” I then turned and walked away while he was mumbling under his breath.

It is my hope that my rather controversial ploy taught him a lesson. I guarantee he’ll think twice before doing it in the Castro again. Several of my friends said I was lucky he didn’t assault me. I don’t see it that way. I think he was lucky he didn’t assault me. While I’d never pick a fight, I have no problem finishing one. Either way, I still hope he’ll be more respectful. 

References

References
↑1 in his work uniform mind you

Big

A reader asked why I talk so much about being physically vs mentally fit. Good question. I’d dare say if you were a more regular reader *hint hint*, you’d know that I have used this blog over the last 8 or so years to try and work on my mental/emotional growth. From my perspective, it’s just the opposite. Lawd only knows I have my demons and have worked hard to exorcise them as best I can. Not an easy task but possible. I’m proud to say some I’ve killed off, others I’ve just beat into submission. And yes, even a few I still battle with. That is the nature of life.

I do spend time on a variety of subjects including religion, [1]Not so much anymore. It’s become a farce of greed and control IMO. physiology, and psychology. I’ve always had a very metaphysical slant in my beliefs. One such book that was truly a revelation was Eastern Body, Western Mind. [2]Available in hardback, paperback, or ebook! lol On the surface, it deals with Chakra development, but as you delve into the book it is clear the author has a strong knowledge of psychology. The combined outlook was a pivotal and truly life-changing read for me. It helped me identify and focus on healing fundamental parts of my psyche that were damaged and scarred from childhood. Seriously, I can’t even begin to tell you how much this book helped me.

Even if you don’t believe in chakras, I still highly recommend it. [3]The simplest way I can think of to describe a chakra is as a point of focus. If you think it’s all mumbo-jumbo, use my definition as a frame of reference. To this day, I can’t read the book w/o getting goose-bumps at some point. It was that profound for me.

As for the physical, having been very scrawny as a kid, I have struggled all my life to improve my size. Vanity certainly plays a role but I’ve mentioned here plenty of times the benefits of being physically fit. So yes, I do harp on my progress (or lack) in the gym from time to time. But, it is not the only focus in my life or even the most important. I wish more guys spent half as much time working on their inner demons as they did their pec muscles.

To this day, I still internally perk up when someone refers to me as big. While I was shoe shopping the other day, the sales clerk at Foot Locker referred to me as “a big guy such as yourself.” It was obvious he wasn’t trying to flatter me because he looked slightly embarrassed after he said it. I giggled inside because I still don’t exactly see myself that way. While my dysmorphia is not as pronounced as before, it still lurks in my id. I guess it is something you never truly get over. I don’t see myself as the scrawny kid I used to be but I also don’t think I see myself as I truly am.

As I always say, the important and often overlooked distinction is to find balance. Too much of anything can be bad for you. I don’t live for working out but I do spend the necessary time it takes to care for my body as well as my mind. I’m currently trying to see how lean I can get. It’s a slow process because I love to eat. lol

References

References
↑1 Not so much anymore. It’s become a farce of greed and control IMO.
↑2 Available in hardback, paperback, or ebook! lol
↑3 The simplest way I can think of to describe a chakra is as a point of focus. If you think it’s all mumbo-jumbo, use my definition as a frame of reference.

Lean

MoiHere I is looking mean and lean. lol  Ok, maybe not so mean. lol

Anyway, I’m back down to my “healthy” weight. By healthy I mean my regular range of weight ups/downs. If you look you see the little pooch right above my shorts line. Sadly, my brief stint over 200lbs was fat related. That said, I’m still bigger now muscle-wise than I ever have been in my entire life. I’m only 12 pounds away from my goal weight of 210. But, when I figure in the 15 or so pounds of fat I want to lose, I’m probably closer to 22 pounds in terms of muscle. *sigh*  So close and so far away. hehehe  And you can see from the pic I can clearly loose a little more fat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining just pointing out where I hope to be.

Right now, I’m 198 lbs, keep in mind 15 of that is fat I wanna ditch. And speaking of, the extra cardio from swimming has helped!  With the break up, debt, Spike dying, depression, etc I really dropped off on my workouts. I still hit the gym but it was pretty static and not consistent. As of this month I’ve rededicated myself to working out. I redesigned my workout routine as well. I have a horrible habit of neglecting certain muscle groups. To avoid that, I designed my new routine so that I work out a good and bad muscle every day [1]By good and bad, I mean muscles I like working vs the ones I don’t. lol  My new routine has me in the gym 4 days a week throwing weights and 2 days for cardio.  It’s off to a good start so far. I had the best dumbbell chest workout ever last week.

Dumbbell Incline Bench Press
lbs x reps
85 x 12
85 x 12
85 x 12
80 x 8

Dumbbell Bench Press
95 x 10
95 x 10
95 x 9
90 x 8

Dumbbell Fly
50 x 10
50 x 10
55 x 10
55 x 8

Above is just my chest workout for one day. I usually do 4 sets but my pecs were totally baked after just those 3. Another twist, I switch between free weights and machines every other week. The one thing I wanna point out here is I do not focus on a set number of reps as my goal while working out. Four sets is the goal. Reps per exercise is usually a maximum of 12 reps and a minimum of 6. Once I can do a full set all the way thru to 12, it’s time to up the weight slightly. I find that progressive intensity works best for my muscle/body type. In two months, I’ll be switching to a reverse routine of supersets of the same exercises.

So far it’s working because I was so sore this week I could only do one day of cardio. Seriously, everything hurt! lol  Referring back to my goals, take 15 lbs (fat) from the 198 for a base figure of 183. My goal weight is 210 for a difference of 27 lbs. In optimal conditions for non-juicers, the best one can hope for is about 2 lbs per month of actual muscle synthesis. It may sound small but that is actually a good chunk of muscle. So in the best of conditions I could hope for 24 lbs in a year. This IMO is not a realistic goal because I have a life outside of the gym, including work and a child. Goals should be realistic in their reach so I won’t be shooting for 24 lbs. lol  However, half that would be a good goal IMO.  So my goal for 2013 is to put on at least 12 lbs of muscle.

Now I could get there faster by juicing but I can’t afford it. Done right, steroids can be beneficial. They’re called cycles for a reason. You’re supposed to go off them for at least the amount of time you’re on them. [2]My doc says you should double the time off  Sadly, most people get caught up in the quick gains and end up abusing them. Don’t even get me started on the libido issues.

As always, consistency is the key. I’m super motivated now but I know that will wane over time. I’ll try to post workout stats from time to time to have you guys help me with my motivation. I’ll throw in some pics too!

Wish me luck!

References

References
↑1 By good and bad, I mean muscles I like working vs the ones I don’t. lol
↑2 My doc says you should double the time off

Holiday

I had this post all written and ready to post but after the CT incident, I just had to update it. While most of us are bouncing around merry and gay this holiday season, others will be struggling with loss and depression. My heart goes out to the families of those who lost their children in such a senseless tragedy yesterday. I’ll save my thoughts on the issue for a later time but for the rest of us, no matter how down you are this holiday season, remember it can always be worse. Take stock in the gifts you do have. Moving on to the original post…

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In my line of work I deal with a lot with the more depressing side of the holidays. Unfortunately, not everyone will have a very merry holiday this year. Some haven’t had one in years. And further still, a few might take drastic measures to escape their pain.

It may seem silly to some but I always try to do something nice for others over the holidays. I like to think I do nice things for others year round but you get the point I’m trying to make. Lord knows last season I was pretty depressed myself. And while I had good reason to be upset, things weren’t really all that bad in the scope of things. I have a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food in my belly, and friends (an family) that love me. Not everyone will be able to even say that this year. So while I may not be buying shiny gifts, I am pretty content. [1]My swapping the iPad for the Nexus was pretty much my present to myself.

Anyway, I’ll be working xmas again this year. I don’t mind working as one, they pay me well and two, I like helping out. For all my bitching about the bureaucracy, I love my job. I like helping people. I’d hope that those of you out there who have a lot would take time to help someone less fortunate. Be it donations, volunteering, etc you can make a difference in someone else’s life. Often times something so little can mean so much to others. I urge you to remember the ‘spirit of giving‘ isn’t so much about things and presents.

And if you are someone who is struggling to find spirit or just survive the holiday blues, please take heart, in the grand scale of things it is just another day. The world spins and life moves just like the day before and will again the day after. *hugs*

I wish all of you out there a very Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!

PS. Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful xmas cards! I was really surprised on how many of you sent them in to me. 🙂 I’m doing my last batch soon if anyone is left who wants one.

References

References
↑1 My swapping the iPad for the Nexus was pretty much my present to myself.