Category: me

Wandering

I was talking to one of the neighborhood homeless guys the other day and it reminded me of my own stint at living on the street.

It was back in my early 20’s. I wasn’t making ends meet and rather than get evicted, I moved out of my place. I wanted to move from Galveston to Houston anyway so I figured it was the perfect time. I didn’t plan it well and ended up w/o a place to live for awhile.

Yeah, I did some things I’m not proud of but they were all towards my survival. I only had to steal food a few times; luckily, it was rare that I went hungry. I still had my car and was sleeping out of it so that helped me avoid some of the harsher parts of being on the street. Being in Houston, the biggest hassle was finding places to park where I wouldn’t get harassed by the police. At that time the downtown area was a ghost town at night and the gaborhoods weren’t overly safe. A lot of times I ended up parking in apartment complexes. It sounds odd but no one ever harassed me. I never stayed in the same one twice in a row so I think that helped.

On some levels it was pretty bad but overall I wasn’t as bad off as some. Not having rent to pay freed up my cash for other necessities. I kept my gym membership active so I always had a place to shower. I only shaved about once a week back then so I never looked ragged. To see me, you’d just think I was a normal kid. That definitely helped on the job search.

My jobs consisted of minimum wage low-skill type situations. I hadn’t developed much self confidence yet so I figured it was all I could get. Looking back, I probably could have landed better gigs had I tried harder. Anyway, I bounced around from waiting tables, working at hotels, etc. Actually, one of my better paying gigs was working at one of the local bath-houses hosting bbq’s on the weekends. Being funny and engaging with the clientele [1]and not necessarily like that either! lol the manager ended up I giving me a full-time job working the front desk. As luck would have it, the manager at the time liked that I was a hard worker and befriended me.

One night he dropped by after my shift-ended and sort of figured out my situation. He took pity on me and let me stay in one of the bigger rooms for a few months. He also secretly gave me a little extra pay every month to help me out. I am not ashamed to admit it. It kept me off the streets and out of trouble, plus having a gym and wet-area I always had access to good hygiene. It also gave me a chance to put away some money and eventually get back on my feet.

Having absolutely no credit to my name back then, I had to pay cash for everything, which meant only buying what I could afford at that moment. After about a year and half I secured a small apartment in one of the complexes I used to park/sleep in. After that, I moved on to bigger and bigger jobs as time went by. I was beginning to discover my talents and realized I could aim higher. Each job I bounced to was a step-up.

Fast-forward a couple more years and I’d reached a point where I could support myself again. I’m grateful for my friend that helped me out. He died about 3 months after I moved to SF. The owner knew me thru him and paid for my ticket to come back to see him before he passed. He died from acute HIV symptoms after being treated for cancer. The chemo pushed his immune system too far and he got an opportunistic infection that he eventually succumbed to. Some people might turn their nose at him for being a bath-house manager but he was a good person and was there for me when I really needed it. It was an honest living. He came off as a bitchy queen a lot but that was a cover. He was a genuine soul that helped when he saw a need. I saw him help plenty of his other employees at different times as well. He had a big heart.

I still look back on that time of my life from time to time. I had virtually nothing but I was happy most of the time. I didn’t have anything to lose so things could only go up from my perspective. Being smart and quick study, I always tried to better myself. Up until I started referring to it on my blog, only a couple people even knew that I went thru all that.

Anyway, I told the local homeless guy in my hood my story and I encouraged him to work at it. He doesn’t booze or do drugs [2]Well that I know of, I never see him strung out so I always try to help him with food when I can. I think he is what you’d call a career homeless guy but I hope that he decides at some point to get off the streets. If anything, I hope that my story gave him faith that he could if he really wanted to.

References

References
↑1 and not necessarily like that either! lol
↑2 Well that I know of, I never see him strung out

Green

I guess I’m on my high-horse as of late. After my last rant I got to thinking. When in my life was I the happiest? It was back when I was in my 20’s and I barely had a pot to piss in. I was barely making ends meet and yet I was so carefree and happy. I spent almost 2 years living out of my car and yet I look back on it as some of the happiest times in my life. Ironic wouldn’t you say?

I look at my life then and now and I’m a bit envious. Part of it was because other than basic necessities I had virtually no worries. I didn’t care that I didn’t have nice clothes, a home, or a plethora of electronic gadgets. I didn’t have a stack of bills demanding my constant attention. I realize being carefree was a blessing and hope that I can find that feeling again someday.

At this moment in my life I’m not overly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for but I’m not happy. I struggle with bouts of depression and frustration over my financial woes. If it wasn’t for little Cooper, I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now emotionally. Compared to a lot of people out there I make damn good money. Yet, I can barely keep a roof over my head right now. I’m so mired in debt I can barely pay my bills. And yes I realize a huge chunk of my debt load was unavoidable but that doesn’t change things.

I wonder how many millions of people out there are in the same boat I’m in or worse? I may have more things now but I miss the days of being carefree.

Achey

I don’t know what it is about my upper back workouts but I always end up very achey afterwards. It is odd because it’s my only muscle group that makes me feel this way. I can bake my chest or arms until I can’t move and they don’t make me ache all over like my back does. lol

Part of it might be because I’m doing more back workouts lately. Like a typical bad homo I tend to ignore muscles I can’t see. lol I’ve always done my back but only in a very cursory way. After noticing my calves weren’t as even as the rest of my body, I started paying attention to my back. Naturally, It is a bit underdeveloped as well. Anyway back to my point, I get so damn achey afterwards. It isn’t good to take aspirin or ibuprofen after a workout so I avoid them. I drink lots of liquids, take my supplements/vitamins, etc but for the first 8 hours or so after I just get incredibly cranky. lol I’m hoping as I develop my back muscles more and they become conditioned to heavy weights, the aching will subside.

Crotchety

I got a very interesting email reply regarding some of my more recent posts. The person wasn’t ugly or rude but asked if I thought I was getting less flexible in my tolerance of others as I get older. This gave me pause to ponder as I’ve wondered the very same thing at times.

My answer is yes and no. I looked back over the last year of off/on posts and I don’t think I’m getting crotchety…yet! lol I haven’t talked much about my personal growth later so yeah it seems I am more opinionated in many of my more recent posts. I can tell the person asking isn’t a long time reader because he would know those are pretty much parcel and post around here. I always have an opinion. But, I am willing to listen to other opinions on many issues and sometimes I even change my own.

I do think as I age though what used to be fleeting ideals have settled in my id. For my few looooong time readers, you’ll remember the struggles I’ve gone thru here. They are legion. And you’ll remember me referring to myself as a blank slate in some regards because I never felt like I was given a strong moral compass as a child. I had to choose which paths in life to take and part of that was how I wanted to be as a person. I have a strong moral compass now. It may not be the norm or even acceptable to others but it guides me in all that I do. I still try to live by the Golden Rule, love, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and compassion. And thru that I’ve grown from trying to figure out who I am to knowing who I am. I still struggle, as should we all, with things but my id is more formed today. Life, age, experience, mistakes, and wisdom all had a hand it that of course. Am I still fallible? Of course I am! As evidenced by last failed-LTR. I went into it with blinders on and am still feeling the repercussions as a result. And yes, I still have baggage that I carry around with me. I’m happy that it has been reduced to a single carry-on vs a whole family set. hehehe

So yes, I do think I am a tad less flexible in some ways. The irony here is had I been more less-flexible, my last LTR would not have turned into an LTR. Actually, that is only partially true. I had also transferred somer personal demons into the mix that contributed greatly. Anyway, there are many things I used to ignore or shrug off when I was younger. Now I just find I have less tolerance for what I see as bullshit. And if you drag me into your BS or drama, I’m more apt to tell you about it vs just walking away. The key I think is not to allow all the problems of others to become BS in my mind. That is the distinction. [1]There’s that word again. I just love it.

On the flip side, I’m still evolving as a human. I’m still learning and growing as a man and discovering more of what makes me tick. In that regard, I don’t think I’m inflexible at all. I actually believe I am very flexible, almost too much. In the end, I’m struggling for balance. And I believe therein lies the fundamental key; finding a balance between beliefs and ideals while still being accepting of others or willing to see outside of my own box, so to speak.

So, there is your answer dear reader and thanks for being willing to broach the subject with me.

References

References
↑1 There’s that word again. I just love it.

1000 Words

So this guys sends me a message the other day on Scruff wanting to hook-up. Forgetting for a moment, he didn’t even bother checking to see if there was any interest in that from me, he launches into how he used to do porn. [1]or may still do for all I know His profile picture and the 5 others he sends before I can even reply once are all from his production portfolio. Not really a problem as there are a good many porny boy here and they all tend to use their glamour shots. The problem is I’ve seen him recently in real life and he looks nothing like his old porn shots. One, he has gained a good 30lbs or so. Not bad in itself but why try to hide it? SF is a very bear-friendly city. Two, he then proceeds to lie about his age by like 10 or more years. Sad, considering he didn’t really look all that bad. Not my type but still not that bad if you can get beyond the obvious dishonesty and apparent lack of self-respect.

I guess he didn’t realize I have seen him in real life. Anyway, I called him on his pics. Now I was very polite about it. All I said was, “Hey guy, thanks for the interest. Unfortunately, not a match for me. I would recommend updating your pics though as having seen you lately you look nothing like the pics you sent.” OMFG! You’d have thought I’d just burned down his house he was so indignant. He proceeds to tell me, “How dare you say that? Do you know who I am? I could snap my fingers and have 10 different guys over here ***** ***** ****.” (I deleted the graphic sexual detail he referred to here lol) Forgetting the obvious why the eff are you messaging me then comment, I again politely reply back, “I’m not trying to be ugly, I just meant there is a clear difference between your pics and you now. If you really want a solid connection being honest about what/who you are is a big part of that.” Meanwhile, I’m giggling to myself cause I know this is also not going to be received well. Sure enough, I get a very long-winded email about how fabulous he is and what he does for the porn industry, blah blah blah. At this point, I realize my politely direct advice is falling on deaf ears so I just ignore his 3 additional messages.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am no bad-mouthing porn. I know several hard-working, good guys who do porn for a living. It’s an honest living and I have no judgements. While I usually avoid porny boys in my bedroom, it is more from a drama-management perspective. And I said “usually” because there have been exceptions. But the fact that you used to do porn is not license to lie. And to be clear, there are plenty of non-industry “fibbers” online as well. I use this story as its recent.

I used to just ignore these guys but when you make such a direct, hard-line approach to me then you should be able to back it up. The fact he was direct was the one good thing about the whole episode. I hate wishy-washy flakes. And this whole BS idea that your anonymous online and you can be anyone you wanna be is nonsense. The simple and obvious reason is once you meet someone in person your grand story is blown. Duh!

The moral boys and girls is be honest. Or at the very least, don’t blow a gasket when you get busted for being a big fat liar. (Pun intended. LOL) Sure the responses might be less, but they’ll be legitimate.

References

References
↑1 or may still do for all I know

No Homo

Two things this post.

I was reading the other day about a gay bar called NeverMind in Copenhagen that had banned a straight couple from kissing and then promptly kicked them out when they complained. Here’s the link courtesy of Towleroad.

First, I find it ironic this story even exists. Who da thunk it, right? lol I think the owners had good intentions but overreacted a bit. But, I don’t know if I have a good answer anymore either. I find my own ideas on the subject evolving over time. I do know as we go more mainstream, it silly to think straights won’t begin to invade our places, en masse. On one hand that is a good thing and we should be glad they feel comfortable around us. But, we haven’t reached a point where we can go into their bars and show affection for each other. Until we do I think we need our own spaces. I’m not saying they aren’t welcome but respect should be given both ways and I think therein lies the problem. Male or female, I often encounter straights in our environment who feel entitled to behave however they see fit because they are straight. As if somehow that validates their behavior. Sorry but no. Until you walk a mile in our shoes for awhile, don’t be so quick to flaunt your rights. Our spaces were hard-earned while yours are a given. If you come our spaces it is not acceptable for you to be disrespectful or thru bravado or even drunkenness act entitled because you were born with a different form of attraction. Don’t go bonkers when you are asked to curb your behavior. You are getting but a taste of what we go thru.

We should also try to be more accommodating though too. Banning straights from a gay bar is silly. [1]Now if your bar is totally geared toward sexual conquests or hook-ups, that’s a different story. Sorry but straights have no business in our hook-up bars, well unless they wanna get laid. hehehe We should also be willing to accommodate a little ignorance as we educate our straight brethren. For my part, anytime my straight friends go to a gay bar with me they know what to expect because I’ve told them. I always warn them to expect someone, male or female, may hit on them. As long as the line of decency isn’t crossed, and I would hold that to anyone, just roll with the punches and be polite.

I honestly believe we are moving toward a day where, straight or gay, it won’t matter. But until we get there, I think navigating such a complicated issue isn’t easy and requires understanding on both sides.

*

On a side rant, I got really pissed at some guy on Google+ the other day. He was complimenting a mutual online friend on his hard work in the gym. No problem until he felt the need to preface his compliment with the ever immature ‘nohomo‘ phrase. Are you fucking kidding me? Since it wasn’t my feed I kept my cool but just barely, and I still let him know it was stupidly immature to make such a comment.

I don’t even know if the mutual social friend is gay or straight and I could care less. To preface a comment like that reeks of stupidity. One, as if one man complimenting another is bad and two, if you do it might seem gay and that is bad. Hell-to-the-No! I half expected the mutual friend to delete my comment or even ban me from his circles but he just rolled with it. The other guy didn’t reply so maybe he took the hint. Either way, I really don’t care. I’ve reached an age and level where I will not stand idly and be insulted, even indirectly. And letting others know their behavior, however ignorantly well-meaning, is inappropriate is a big step to curbing said behavior.

\rant

References

References
↑1 Now if your bar is totally geared toward sexual conquests or hook-ups, that’s a different story. Sorry but straights have no business in our hook-up bars, well unless they wanna get laid. hehehe

Dark Side

I’ve been getting more than usual flirts from members of the opposite sex lately. It’s kinda odd because it seems to have come out of nowhere. lol The occasional flirt doesn’t really register but more than a few a month is noteworthy.

I’m sitting on the MUNI bus a couple weeks back and this girl comes over and sits next to me. I didn’t think much of it as the coach was a tad crowded. I had Cooper with me and she started asking questions about him as she petted him. At one point, she was practically in my lap and her questions had shifted from Cooper to me. I was sort of shocked to realize she was trying to get me to pick her up! lol I almost fell out of my seat. Luckily, my stop arrived and she wasn’t departing at the same terminal. Cooper and I exited the train. I couldn’t resist the urge to look back and sure enough she was staring after me and smiling.

I’m at Starbucks in the ‘hood one day and the girl behind me starts up a conversation. Next thing I know she’s asking if I’m married or if I have a “girlfriend.” I’m like, really? I’m at the heart of gay and gayer and you’re mack’n on me? She figured it out when I hugged and kissed a friend who happened to stop by. hehehe She looked so dejected too.

Even at work I’ve noticed a slight change from some of my female co-workers. I’m completely out at work and everyone knows. I’ve always had little compliments and kind words from some of the girls but lately it seems to have really picked up. Just last week I had 3 different girls call me handsome, compliment my muscles, ask about my gym routine, who I was dating, etc.

Coupled with my recent post about the guy in the gym suddenly finding interest I’m curious what has changed about me? Have my pheromones changed? Am I giving off the single and available vibe more strongly? Honest to goodness, I don’t really get it. Granted, I can appreciate an attractive woman but I’m a polar zero on the Kinsey scale. Having been to the dark side, not once but twice, I am quite confident it is most definitely NOT for me. lol I say that in jest of course. I’m always very flattered when someone finds me attractive. We all should. It doesn’t change who I am if it is a girl or a guy. It just is.

Anyway, while I’m certainly perplexed, I ain’t bitchin’. Hopefully, it will continue with the boys as well.

Bulk

*A bit of an adult rant today, if you’re logged in there will be a more detailed follow up*

I had a really hot encounter this past weekend. It started out with a buddy I’ve known for years. We’ve played around a few times off and on. Well, for whatever reason he decided to make it a 3-way this past weekend.

The point of my little ramble is about mind-set. While my buddy is a tad taller and more built than I, his friend was quite the muscle..meaning he was built. [1]Ironically, he would normally be someone I’d admire but would never chase because they were too big. And I do mean built, you could put me and my buddy together and we’d almost make up the big guy. He is what I often refer to as a meathead. lol

Anyway, when my buddy orignally texted me his friend’s pic I admit I got a little intimidated. While I’m not the scrawny boy of yesteryear, I’m still not huge by any stretch of the imagination. And honestly, big boys usually go for other big boys (barring the rare exception). So as I’m driving over I’m a tad nervous because this guy is huge. While I can offer certain skills, one would think those are easy to obtain elsewhere. hehehe Having had experience with my buddy I knew deep down he wouldn’t have invited me if it was an issue.

As I’m driving over I start chastizing myself for feeling so stupid. One of my axioms in life is “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” I got really frustrated with myself for getting so anxious. While there would have been a time when my on insecurity would have prevented me from going thru it, I’m not the man anymore. I’m 41 years old for Peet’s sake. I’m a big enough boy to admit my shortcomings while also realizing my assets. What was the absolute worst thing that could happen? I could get there, the meathead wouldn’t be into me, and I’d leave. The end. None of which demeans or makes me “less” in anyway.

As my internalized anger increased, my timidness had all but evaporated by the time I arrived at my buddy’s place. [2]A little side-note, I taught myself a long time ago when I’m nervous instead of retreating, step bolding forward. You’d be amazed how much that changes the game. lol I walked in with no expectations and was prepared to have fun. Upon meeting the big guy I could tell immediately 1) he was shy, 2) he was just as nervous as I had been. If you read my footnote above you’ll know I made the first move and it worked flawlessly. In moments I had taken complete control of the situation and was leading by what I wanted and expected.

Needless to say, it turned out to be an awesome time! Some of the body mechanics were a bit of a challenge *ahem* if you know what I mean. hehehe

References

References
↑1 Ironically, he would normally be someone I’d admire but would never chase because they were too big.
↑2 A little side-note, I taught myself a long time ago when I’m nervous instead of retreating, step bolding forward. You’d be amazed how much that changes the game. lol

Neglect

dorky pic of me in the gym one day

In my previous ramble about fitness and the gym, I’ve gotten in the habit of neglecting my lower body. Cardio is all but non-existent these days. lol I don’t have bird legs or anything but I’ve been incorporating more lower body exercises into my routines again. This is good for obvious reasons but it also motivates me to get into the gym that extra day every week when I would normally tend to blow it off. You can only push your muscles so far so fast. They need time to recover. So now having more muscles to work means extra time in da gym while allowing other muscles to recover…a win win!

I’ve also been hitting my glutes over the last couple weeks. Let me tell you they are sore as hell! I worked’em on Monday and I’m still effin’ sore today. [1]One-leg lunges using the smith-machine are da bomb-diggity! Oy vey, they hurt! I feel like powerbottom brettcajun after an all night orgy.

Anyway, I’m seeing results. I’m sad to say I’d let my glutes get a little less than plump in the last couple years. But, they are bouncing back nice and proper now. hehehe Next on the agenda are my calves. I want 3″ on those bad boys! My calves used to be one of my best features [2]get your minds out of my gutter bitches back in the day. They haven’t shrunk, I just haven’t been keeping them in check with the rest of my growth.

If you see an updated on twitter or Google+ with me yelling, “I’ve fallen and can’t get up”, you know I overdid it one day. lol

References

References
↑1 One-leg lunges using the smith-machine are da bomb-diggity!
↑2 get your minds out of my gutter bitches

Blah

I was supposed to work out my chest today but felt kinda blah. I’m either fighting off a cold/flu or my allergies are acting up. Either way, I switched to my lats/glutes since my concentration was off a bit. All I need is to injury myself in a moment of carelessness. I still managed to get my workout in but it was lackluster. I’m gonna grab one of the Odwalla Wellness drinks on the way to work. Nothing like a good lymphatic flush to get you feeling better again.

*

On a side note, I started a new tumblr blog focused on my self-portraits. No nothing x-rated but still not always something I want posted here. My blog is known by more than a few of my coworkers and there are just some things about me they don’t need to read about! lolol 

I wonder how many of you here can guess what the URL is? Don’t post it but if you find it post a comment there. heehee