Category: me

Fault

I rarely weigh in on topical issues but am making an exception after reading a recent post on Conner Habib’s  blog (He is a local porn star & the link is work safe). Conner put out a well said post about the whole Derek Chamers ( aka Derrick Burts, Cameron Reid) scandal. Well said except for the whole ‘teaching’ part. I know we cloak porn under ‘educational purposes’ to help keep it legal but I’ve never met a single person who joined the industry to ‘teach.’ Anyway, if you’re not up on the skinny, its pretty simple. Derek (who is a crossover performer in gay and straight films) tested HIV positive and become the center of a scandal of sorts. The porn industry via AIM [1]Adult Industry Medical // oh look, an actual reference link says he got it from personal activity and Derek says he got it from a work shoot and that AIM is trying to cover it up to protect the industry. Derek has come forward in the national media to call for condom use in straight porn.

First, I don’t know Derek, never met him, and have no idea whether he is a hypocrite or an innocent victim. And that’s not really the point of my post. My rant today has to do with the industry itself and the resulting hypocrisy from so many in the community. I will say I think neither side has the moral high ground. It’s all but impossible to discover where he was really exposed. All the fanfare over trying to assign blame is pointless IMHO and distracts from the bigger issue.

As long as we allow (negative) actors to bareback, we are going to see more of these type of situations. Yes, I get it that the straight porn industry is desperately holding onto the ‘rawness’ that comes from condomless sex. The same is true of gay sex, otherwise barebacking companies/vids would not be so successful. But HIV is not a gay disease. it has no morals or thought processes, it is simply a biological mechanism propagating along its evolutionary path. Treating HIV as a gay issue is a recipe for continued disaster. Allowing actors, gay or straight who are negative, to put themselves at risk for a buck is deplorable. The industry needs to look beyond its greed and do what’s right for its employees. And if they really wanted to save face, they would have reached out to this kid instead of trying to distance itself and assign blame. It is worth noting, AIM, the industry’s go-to folks for testing, was recently shut down by LA health officials for operating w/o a license and their permit to get a license was denied. [2] via aids.about.com /// another real reference link! A fact that does nothing to foster belief in their version of the story. I am in agreement Derek. The straight porn industry should implement more condom use, especially for actors that do crossover work.

The part that really pisses me off is how many in the gay community have lashed out at this guy. Some of the comments are truly heinous. Its ok when these guys (and gals) are humping their brains out but the moment something happens we turn on them? Now who’s the hypocrite? And before anyone goes holier-than-though, let me throw some numbers at you. Porn is a double-digit billion dollar global industry. The US produces 89% of the world’s porn and consumes more than half. 70% of men visit porn sites at least once a month. The states that protest the most about porn are also the highest consumers. Sex is the most searched term on the internet. Oh yeah, and 66% of all porn stars have herpes. [3]stats courtesy of onlinemba.com and Good magazine// omg! 3 real references in 1 post!  Anyone still want to admit the porn industry gives a rat’s ass about its performers? And don’t even get me started on who is gonna cover Derek’s medical expenses. In case you don’t know, porn starts don’t get insurance as part of the “job”.

Regardless of what you think of porn in general, it is clearly here to stay. Sexuality, gay or straight, is fundamental to human existence and clearly sex sells. Scapegoating someone and trying to act like it someone else’s problem is BS. This man’s life is irreparably changed as he is now living with a terminal illness. Granted HIV isn’t the killer in Western culture it used to be but there is still no cure and people are still dying. Shame on anyone who would say or even infer that because he does porn he deserved what he got. How many of our haters use the same excuse against gays in general?  You would think  we as a community would be above such things. I don’t care how he got it, Derek deserves support and compassion right now.

References

References
↑1 Adult Industry Medical // oh look, an actual reference link
↑2 via aids.about.com /// another real reference link!
↑3 stats courtesy of onlinemba.com and Good magazine// omg! 3 real references in 1 post!

Tanks…

Thank you to everyone for the kind words of support from my last post. My birthday is actually in January. I was just tinkering with stuff in my head and out it came. I had no clue when I sat down that all of that would come out. I didn’t even proof read it. (As you can tell by the numerous typos and errors.)

Yeah, it was rough but everyone has their cross to bear, so to speak. I don’t think less of others just because their life has been easier or different. These things happened to me for a reason. My beliefs tell me this was something I needed to learn in this life. Had I not had these problems, there are many many things I would have missed out on. I do wish things had been easier but then I have to ask myself. Would I be the man I am today?

I will say bringing all this up has given me a renewed perspective on my path in life. It reminded me of some things I’d  sort of forgotten, as it were. Good things mind you.

So anyway, thanks again to everyone. I wasn’t fishing for sympathy but all the comments (and emails) were very sweet. It also reminded me of why I continue to blog.

Happy Hanna-Kwana-Xmas everyone!

4-0

I am approaching my 40th birthday. [1]In gay years, that makes me ancient but that’s besides the point. lol  I’m an old man now so forgive me if this post tends to wander or go on and on and on and on…. you get the point.  

Many guys would be disappointed or sad at reaching such a milestone but not me. I’ve survived so much in my short life, its gonna take more than a puny birthday to get me down. To quote Olympia Dukakis, “ when it comes to pain and suffering, I’m right up there with Liz Taylor”. I joke of course but looking back over my life, I am somewhat amazed I made it this far at all.

I’ve only alluded here to some pieces of my life over the years. Other pieces I’ve just plain beat to death. I’ve made mention on several occasions that I was adopted as a child. I was actually born to Wanda Clem and Roy Seymour. My arrival into the world was traumatic and should have been a sign of things to come. You see, my real parents were drug addicts and I was born addicted as well. Two months preemie and weighing not much more than a bread basket, I spent the first 6 months of my life in a hospital. Being born preemie in the early 70’s was a big deal compared to now. Being addicted on top of that, my chances of survival were significantly diminished. But survive I did. In the following 6 months, I was left alone often for hours and possibly days at a time while my parents went out and got high. The fine state of Texas finally intervened and removed me permanently. The day I was removed, the social worker found me in a dresser drawer on the floor with a bottle, a blanket, and a pillow. Apparently, I had diaper rash from neck to toes. As fate would have it, my real mother knew one of my soon-to-be Aunts, and came to her pleading for her to adopt me. Her husband said, ‘Not no, but hell no!’ [2]A blessing in my book. As awful as my childhood was, I wouldn’t wish that fate on a dog.  My soon-to-be Aunt came to her younger brother and his wife on the odd chance they wanted to adopt me. I’m told the wife took one look at me and the matter was decided. No arguing, no decisions, it was just a matter of fact. I’m referring to my foster mom of course. The next 6 years were probably the most care-free and untroubled of my life. I was simply a kid growing up with two loving parents. All the previous stuff was completely unknown to me.

Six months before my 7th birthday, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She began to decline rapidly. Naturally, I didn’t understand. How does one explain such things to a kid? As my birthday rolled around, I begged my mom to wait until my 8th birthday before she left. I still didn’t get it. All I knew is everyone was telling me mommy was leaving and I wasn’t happy about that. She died 2 months later. I can still remember standing over her grave wondering why they were putting her in the ground. It was my first real experience with death and no one had bothered to explain that that’s where dead people end up when they die. I was confused because I kept hearing about this place called ‘heaven’ and I didn’t realize it was in the ground. [3]You can imagine how painful that conversation must have been for my dad. 

As it has a tendency to do, time moved on. My dad did his best but I know it was hard on him. Two years later, he proceeded to marry my step mother, or Satan-in-drag (SID) as I referred to her. She absolutely hated me. After my little brother was born, 3 weeks before my 10th birthday, that hate intensified. I spent years getting the full brunt of her taunts, insults, lies, and beatings. She was the only person on this planet I’ve ever felt true malevolence towards. I hated her as much as she hated me. [4]I threw a party when she died. Got drunker than Cooter Brown and was calling everyone I knew singing “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!”  The physical stuff was a pale shadow of the mental abuse she put me thru. How my id survived it is anybody’s guess. Of course, there was a time when I was 12 when I almost poisoned her. My dad worked a lot and always took her side when I complained. After all, I was just a lying kid, what did I know? I ran away from home several times. I always ended up coming back like an idiot.

Eight months after my 14th birthday, [5]I seem to remember everything related to my birthdays. I came out to my dad. Well I say came out, my dad caught me and my then boyfriend going at it. I’ve never mentioned that here before. I always tell people I just told him but that is a fib. He caught me red-handed, so to speak. My father always had a temper and definitely didn’t believe in ‘sparing the rod’. He beat me within an inch of my life. I came away with a broken jaw, 2 broken ribs, and a body so sore and bruised, I could barely walk for 2 weeks. SID’s taunts and overall nasty behavior increased even more. After what seemed like eternity in hell but was only 6 months, I promptly ran away again. Not before my dad came home early one day unexpected and caught SID breaking my nose. hehehe  Oh how the tables were turned. I relished the weeks of fighting between them. Anyway, I ran way again. I always said it was for good but that’s not exactly true either. I lived with my grandmother for 2 years until she passed away. It was 2 blissful years w/o daily anguish and ‘whoopin’s’ from my SID.

Having no where else to go, I went home. But the rules were different. SID wasn’t allowed to whoop many anymore. I referred to her by her first name on the few occasions we actually spoke. She hated it. lol  Being completely afraid of my dad , we barely spoke. I avoided him like the plague. I think it was then he started to truly realize what he had done to me. That lasted all of 5 months before I finally left home for good. I moved in with my first boyfriend and his dad. I’m skipping past the bf’s death and my resulting suicide attempt. Too many memories too fast and I’m trying to get thru this with my mood in tact. Needless to say, it was the darkest part of my life. I survived again, thankfully. And again, I don’t exactly know how.

Life improved somewhat after that. It was hard but I was free on so many levels. I spent a couple years living out of my vehicle but that pales to what came before so I don’t feel the need to flesh that out. And as fate would have it, my life has continued to improve since then. I’ve grown up, become a contributing member of society, and matured in so many ways over the years I’ve lost count. I could tell you so much more about all the details in between but that’s a nut for another day.

So here we are back to my pending 40th birthday. I’m ecstatic actually. I never thought I’d make it this far. What came before has only made me appreciate what I have now more. If I’m lucky, things will continue to improve and I’ll die a happy man. I’ve never yearned for fame or riches. My only wish has always been to live and die with my friends/loved ones around me.  Only time will tell of course but I am ever the optimist. How can I not be?

References

References
↑1 In gay years, that makes me ancient but that’s besides the point. lol
↑2 A blessing in my book. As awful as my childhood was, I wouldn’t wish that fate on a dog.
↑3 You can imagine how painful that conversation must have been for my dad.
↑4 I threw a party when she died. Got drunker than Cooter Brown and was calling everyone I knew singing “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!”
↑5 I seem to remember everything related to my birthdays.

Progress II

I’m still on the mend. I’ve already regained about 90% of my range of motion. There is very little discomfort in most daily tasks. I’m pretty much back to normal except for a few areas. I obviously can’t work out yet. I go back to the doc on the 20th to see how the bone is healing. Odd angles of pressure still bother me but its more of an annoyance vs real problem. The biggest issue is I can’t sleep on that side yet. Not being able to sleep on my back or stomach, I get restless a lot at night sleeping on just one side trying to remain comfortable. [1]Apple guy being in Texas at the moment isn’t helping.   I’ve resorted back to Ambien to get me thru the nights. It’s the only drug I’ve found so far that doesn’t leave me all groggy and lethargic in the mornings.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it but the bike was totaled. *sigh*  I’m gonna walk away w/about $3500 after the loan is paid off. Considering I financed the bike at $8k, that’s pretty good. I sent off the powr of attorney paperwork which is the last step in the process. That’s the good news. The bad news is my debt load has increased since I last purchased a bike and I’m worried I may not qualify for a low interest rate. I don’t have anything in the negative but carrying a high debt load does factor into the loan process. I’m hoping because its thru my credit union I will luck out. Keep your fingers crossed.

I’m gonna look for another 07-08 gixxr 750. I love the style and fit of the bike and I miss my beast something fierce. Worst case scenario, if I don’t get a good loan, I’ll work some massive overtime at work and just save up some cash to buy one outright. I’m not really looking to go that route as I’m not big on overtime these days.

My mood is up and down. I hate not being able to work out and with the erratic sleep, I’m cranky and irritable most days now. Another reason for the Ambien. The holiday is fast approaching and I can’t seem to find my xmas spirit. I’m sure it will hit me eventually but I wish it would hurry up already. lol Of course, I could always change my name to Scrooge McGrinch. lol

References

References
↑1 Apple guy being in Texas at the moment isn’t helping.

Sissy Boy

As usual, my buddy brettcajun stirred up a hornet’s nest with his recent post.  He got quite a bit of fall out over it and attempted to cover with another post, which fell equally as flat. In a nut shell, Brett was ranting about how Kurt Hummell’s character [1]from the TV show Glee is a nelly limp-wristed sissy who deserved what he got because he couldn’t man-up and be a real man. The irony of the person doing the complaining was not lost on anyone mind you. *g*

Sadly, his feelings; however shameful and wrong they were, are not all that uncommon. For my .02, I think the problem is not only ignorance but our growling failure to understand the difference between being attracted to someone vs accepting of them. [2]Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.  Many of us fall prey to the foolish idea that to be accepted we have to conform and/or fit in. As if such behavior would make those who hate us hate us any less. That ideology has never worked so why it continues to flourish is anyone’s guess.

While ignorance can be forgiven, it can only be forgiven to a point. You cross the line when you go from disliking someone because they fit a stereotype you detest to actively condoning violence against them. Knowing Brett, I doubt he meant to encourage real harm but that doesn’t change the facts. He openly condoned violence against one of our own simply because said person was effeminate. This type of thinking simply cannot go unchallenged and uncorrected. TV character or not, we are seeing this same scenario play itself out all too often in real life in schools all over the nation. Even worse, some of the victims have turned to suicide to avoid being bullied. All because they are different. To his credit, Brett took his lumps. Quite a few of his commenters raked him over the coals and rightfully so.

A few commenters spoke up in support of Brett. Many of their arguments are the same reasons those who hate us continue to do so. Of course, you have to be able to see beyond your own short-sightedness and insecurities to see such an irony. Condoning violence against others because you hate qualities they represent [3]qualities we often hate in ourselves does not make you a man. If anything, it makes you a coward. And I will tell anyone, friend or foe, the same to their face.

Then there is the attraction issue. More and more, as a culture we are beginning to see attraction and acceptance as the same thing. In a desperate effort to fit-in and feel like we belong, we have begun to marginalize ourselves into sub-cultures based not only on attraction but acceptance. Whether it be twinkies, daddies, leather, drag, gym-bunnies, bears, etc, we lock ourselves into labels meant to free us. We then turn on those who don’t represent our now rigid view of how others should be based on our attraction. IMHO, this is a dangerous path that makes us no better than those who seek to deny us equality. While it can be expected, to a degree, in a culture as sexually obsessed as we are, it does not excuse said behavior.  Just because I happen to fit into one or more sub-cultures doesn’t mean I can now pass judgment on those who do not.

I may not be physically attracted to someone who is overly flamboyant or naturally effeminate but I will defend their right to be with my last breath. I will say this though. I’d sooner stand by their side than anyone who would seek to tear them down out of misplaced angst, fear, or ignorance.

References

References
↑1 from the TV show Glee
↑2 Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.
↑3 qualities we often hate in ourselves

Progress

From the pic you can see I’m on the mend. Actually, if you look closely, you can still see the broken bone. What you can’t see is all the little splinter pieces he had to move around and position properly so they’d grow back. I didn’t actually know they left the splinters in. I just assumed they would take’em out and the bone would grow back. Not so, the splinters will actually reattach to the bone and grow back to normal.

I’m already back at work on modified duty. [1]Four hour shifts  Everyone is shocked and amazed I’m already out of a arm sling and back at work. Of course, if I was just letting the bone heal on its own I would still have my arm in the sling. It takes 6-8 weeks for the bone to heal up. The metal plate actually takes a lot of pressure off the bone so I’m able to do more faster.

I was a little surprised the day of the accident how many coworkers were checking in on me. Knowing the crews that showed up, they were getting bombarded by terminal messages from my co-workers.  Seeing the call history at work made me understand, it sounds way worse than it was. It also shows how everyone sees something different. I was actually the first call into work regarding my accident but several other people called in as well. One person stated I was run over by a vehicle and trapped under it. lol [2]When I went down, it was in a parking lane and I slid into a parked vehicle. My bike actually wedged itself under the vehicle a bit. 

Anyway, I can’t do everything yet but most daily mediocre tasks are fine. I stretch it every day to help get the range of motion back. I’m about 75% there so far. There are definitely angles that are still difficult. The wound itself is healing very nicely albeit a bit tender.  Today was the first morning I woke up in no pain at all, another good sign.  I go back to the doctor mid December. If everything is ok then he will release me to start working out (pushing weights) again. I’m probably starting back on cardio this next week. I’ve gained a few lbs and need to start working it off. And don’t forget Thanksgiving is just around the corner. lol

A big thanks to everyone who checked in on me. I got emails, messages, comments, etc and I greatly appreciate it. To answer questions, yes I’ll be getting another bike.  I’m just waiting on the insurance people to give me my payoff information. I’m hoping to get another gixxr and my shop is already looking for one for me!

References

References
↑1 Four hour shifts
↑2 When I went down, it was in a parking lane and I slid into a parked vehicle. My bike actually wedged itself under the vehicle a bit.

Moto Photos

Moto Accident 10.10

I am recovering nicely from the surgery it seems. Attached are the photos (before and after surgery). So far, I’m completely pain med free today. *knock on wood*

I’m real happy with the work. The scar is already smaller than the previous one. This doctor did such a superb job. I’m amazed at the difference in how the incision looks, even at this early stage.

I’m scheduled to go back to work on a modified duty [1]4 hour shifts next week. Barring any complications, the following week I go back to full duty.

Sadly, I got word today my bike is gonna be totaled. I knew it was the most likely outcome but I’m bummed. My blue beast was so lovely. I miss him. *sniffle* I’ll get another one but there is gonna be a delay until the insurance company decides fault. *sigh*

References

References
↑1 4 hour shifts

Recovery

The surgery to repair my left collarbone was an overall success. The surgery took an hour and half longer than originally expected though. Apparently, more of the bone was damaged and splintered than they originally believed. This took quite a bit more time. Today is the first day since the accident the pain was at levels I would consider manageable. I’m down to 1 pain pill every 3-4 hours and only 1 in the middle of the night. I fully expect to be off pain meds completely in a couple more days.  *knock on wood* I seem to heal quickly. I’ll post some before and after pics after my next check up with the doctor. I’m gonna try to get digital copies of the x-rays to share. This break was much more severe than the last one and would not have been able to heal w/o surgery. Ironically, I was going slower than the last accident and ended up with a more sever break…

*
In other news, I think I mentioned I was interviewed by the local paper regarding Prop B. [1]It would have doubled my health-care contributions and most likely forced me into the Kaiser network. I’m happy to say the initiative failed, by a wide margin. I was pretty worried as I would have been faced with some difficult choices had it passed.

I didn’t really want to do the article as I didn’t really see myself as the best choice. Even though my classification as a job is severely underpaid in SF, I make a decent living. I’m also lucky to have protections as my job is considered a vital service. But, the Union asked me to do it so I agreed. They wanted someone other than the poorest city employee to show how the initiative would impact all city employees, not just the poorest ones. Everyone I spoke to liked the piece even though I felt it only touched on a lot of what we discussed.

All that said, the online comments for the article were about 90% negative, with some being pretty awful. I’m not upset or even offended as I know people are hurting with many folks still out of work. It was the primary reason I didn’t want to do the article. On the other side of the coin, I was really shocked at some of the real hatred expressed. Many thought I was acting entitled because I thought I should be able to afford to live in the city I work in. Many (by many I’d say most) thought I was being greedy because my gross salary is just over $70k a year.  That sounds wonderful until you look at my take home pay. I actually bring home just under $46k a year. [2]To be fair, I donate about 6% of my total annual income to charity, pre-tax  In a City as expensive and highly taxed as SF, that doesn’t go far at all.  Apple guy and I have even discussed moving out of California once the t-shirt business becomes more successful.

Anyway, with all  the negative feedback, I was really surprised the proposition failed. Not to mention, the accident happened the day after the interview. [3]I interviewed on the 25th, the accident occurred on the 26th, the article published on the 28th You can imagine my apprehension while I was laid up at home wondering if I was going to be able to cover December’s rent.

Anyway, the pain-killer is kicking in and I’m having a hard time seeing the purdy letters on my screen.  More later…

References

References
↑1 It would have doubled my health-care contributions and most likely forced me into the Kaiser network.
↑2 To be fair, I donate about 6% of my total annual income to charity, pre-tax
↑3 I interviewed on the 25th, the accident occurred on the 26th, the article published on the 28th

Surgery

I’m scheduled for surgery tomorrow (Thursday the 4th) morning. As mentioned, my left clavicle was broken in the accident and will need a metal plate to facilitate the healing process. I could just let it heal up but that would mean giving up working out. Lawd knows that ain’t gonna happen! lol

My buddy Christopher is giving Apple guy and I a ride the surgical center. Its outpatient surgery and I expect to be home and in the arms of some serious painkillers by early afternoon. I’m anxious for it to be over. While I’ve been more mobile these last couple days, I hate feeling like an invalid.

Wish me luck!

Smash

In case you missed it, I got into a motorcycle accident this week, 6 blocks from home I might add. The picture is a fuzzy version of my left [1]Ironically, the last accident I broke the right one shoulder wound. Pretty bruises huh? 

I was headed to work on my bike. I’m cruising along when the guy in front of me signals he is going to turn left. No biggie, I’m on his right side and continue on my merry way. Well, that is until he suddenly veers to the right and directly in my path. I attempted to swerve around him but it was too late. He made contact w/some part of my bike knocking my back tire around at an odd angle. Still moving ,I try to recover but quickly see that’s not going to happen. As luck would have it, not only did I go down but I slid up under a parked mini-van. Unlike the last accident, there was no momentarily black out or forgotten consciousness. I, in true Southern fashion, jumped up swearing like a sailor. The guy immediately denied he had his blinkers on. This doesn’t explain why he was turning, either direction, nor does it explain why he felt the need to run over and turn on his hazard lights before the police arrived.

Anyway, as soon as I stood up I knew my collarbone was broken. It had that all too familiar ‘bump’ to it that I had the last time. A quick self-check and I can’t find any other serious injuries. I called Apple guy [2]repeatedly, as shitty AT&T kept dropping my calls to him.  I then called work to have them send help. Naturally, several people I work with showed up and added to my embarrassment. I knew several of the officers as well as two of the medics. Color me embarrassed but glad of their assistance. Apple guy met me at the hospital and sat with me thru the x-rays. Lord only knows what I was saying but apparently, one nurse bumped me and I said “some things” to her. I was high on drugs and things are a little fuzzy.

I saw the specialist today. I have a broken left clavicle, a displaced shoulder joint, and a torn rotator cuff. I’m scheduled for surgery this next Thursday. They’ll put a plate on the left collarbone just like the right one and do some minor stitching on my rotator cuff. I’m eagerly awaiting the surgery as this sitting around w/a broken bone shifting under the skin every time I move is for the fucking birds! Don’t even get me started on the havoc it has caused w/our sleeping arrangement. Ugh!

I don’t know the status of my bike yet. My poor blue beast didn’t look so hot wedged under the mini-van but I am hoping for the best. I really love that bike and I’d hate to lose it. Yes, I’m more upset over the bike being damaged than I am my own injuries. On top of it all, I had literally just switched insurance companies. I can only imagine how happy they are with me right now. Oh well, wasn’t like I planned it or anything. If you’ve ever had a broken bone, you know its not something you look forward to.

Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes and support. I’m just sitting at home until Thursday driving poor Apple guy nuts. Gifts, cash, and random visits bearing free food are appreciated. lolol  Just kidding of course.  I’m on the mend and thanks to modern pharmacology, I’m getting by w/o too much pain. I’ll update w/more details on my bike as I get’em.

References

References
↑1 Ironically, the last accident I broke the right one
↑2 repeatedly, as shitty AT&T kept dropping my calls to him.