Thank you to everyone for the kind words of sympathy. Having the weekend off helped get my mind off of it. Well, that and Rich was in town from Dallas. We hung out over the weekend and he was just what I needed to get out of my funk. Sweet and funny man. He made me laugh so much; just what the doctor ordered.
I have fun pics to post too. I’m on my way out to get some chores done but stay tuned for some good pics of us acting up over the weekend.
Just when I think I’ve learned all I can about myself, life throws me yet another curve ball. There is so much irony in this post it borders on hilarity.
I opened a can of worms tonight. Unlike my professional behavior, I have absolutely no patience when it comes to my heart. I ran into my soon-to-be-single friend again tonight at Starbucks. 1 He sits down and I was dead set on keeping it casual. His ex hasn’t moved out yet and I’m determined not to be a rebound. Ha! So much for that. We start talking and before I knew it, I was asking him what happened between us. I mean, I knew the first time was my fault. I wasn’t ready and I pushed him away. I readily admit that. It is not something I’m particularly proud of but it was my M.O. for quite awhile. Never intentionally but that doesn’t make it ok. Out of my own insecurities, I used to come on rather strong when I met someone new. However, once the newness wore off and I actually got to know the guy underneath, I would get bored and move on. Not very nice to the other person who thinks my strong signals mean more than they did. I’ve realized that about myself. The twist here is with M I didn’t get bored. It scared me and I ran. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this and I don’t like admitting it but, I hate fear as an emotion. Growing up in constant fear of my step-mother gave me that.2
What I didn’t know was the second time was sorta my fault as well. Turns out, he was more than a little hurt after the first time (unsurprisingly) and was afraid to get too close to me again. So, he pushed me away before I could do it to him a second time. The thing about me and attraction, I like to know the guy I’m into is into me. Unbeknownst to him of course, I was ready the second time and his lack of conviction hurt me. Tit for tat? Possibly but I doubt it. M is probably the only person I’ve ever broken things off with and regretted it aftewards. It didn’t help that right after our second split he met his new guy.3
Learning all of this brought me to tears. Not a gully washer but I did get a little teary-eyed. Here is the part where the preverbal can “gets opened”. He teared up as well. I knew, at that moment, he still cared for me. I pushed and I pushed hard. I couldn’t help myself. I apologized for the pain I caused him. I also told him I wanted him to have some space but when he is ready, I want to try again. I meant it too. I can’t say where it will lead but I’m ready this time. I think he is too.
The last great irony here? I don’t think it would have worked between us if I hadn’t had the fall out w/Drew. He shared w/me he also didn’t think it would have worked had he not met his soon-to-be ex.
My head and my heart are all a jumble at the moment.
My blog has evolved quite a bit since I started. You few long time readers will know the ole blog started as a form of self-therapy. Well, I’m happy to report I’ve been able to put more than a few demons to rest in the last few years.1 And while the blog will always be primarily about my life and all the nonsense that entails, I think it’s time to broaden my scope a bit. I’m coming up on my third full year and my 1000th post. I think I’m ready.
Up until now, the blog has focused primarily on my trials and my goals. And while both are true aspects of my id, I feel, more and more lately, like the blog is only a partial representation of who I am. There are good and bad parts (depending on perspective of course) that I often choose not to share for a variety of reasons. Oh, I still write about them, I just lock them away from everyone but me.2 Well, not anymore. I’ve decided to include other things including some of my more ‘adult‘ behavior. Now before you start salivating too much, I’m not refering to “nudie” pics of myself3 but more of an insight into that part of my life. I’ve mentioned on several occasions what a carnal creature I am so now it’s time to put up or shut up. I will add here, be careful what you wish for. You may loose your lofty view of me after reading too much. Consider yourself fore warned.
Of course, I’m left w/the worry that people I don’t want seeing such antics will. Well, that is the great thing about WordPress. I can limit who sees what based on user levels. So, I mentioned a while back about the need to sign up as a registered user. Well, that little tidbit is becoming live. You’ll notice on the left a “log-in” link.4 You can click to log-in and/or register. Usually, once you log in the first time, a cookie is set on your computer so you don’t have to do it every time. Your level of access is set by me obviously. Keep in mind subscribing to my RSS feed or updates by email is not the same thing.
You’ll know when you’re viewing “sensative” material as the title will show a little lock icon and a number at the end of it. The number will indicate your level of access. A few of you already know and have access so if we’ve had this conversation, there is no need for you to redo it.
There you have it. I’m opening things up a bit. Remember, I warned you. If you don’t want to read such antics, don’t log-in or simply log out anytime you feel the need.
Well, I guess my fears about wild bears were unfounded. Not only were the bears very kind but there were quite a few muscle bears on the prowl this weekend. We had some unusually warm weather for this time of year so I’m sure it helped to keep them docile. *G* I got several grunts and woofs over the weekend. I’m still wondering why a little facial hair suddenly qualifies me as an “otter” (I think that is the term)? Speaking of bears, brettcajun‘s friend Rich from Dallas is in town. I’m supposed to meet him and his crew out tonight for a quick drink. I can’t be out late as I have a date w/my trainer tomorrow bright and early.
Oh! I almost forgot. My friend Bobby was showing off a fancy new camera the other day so I just had to have one. It takes really cool vids for a camera. I’ll post a few of those later. In the meantime, here is a mugshot of yours truly I snapped off today. Can you tell it’s my Monday?
So, the date went well. We had dessert first. *g* Besides that, He really is a sweet guy. I like hanging out with him as we can always have a conversation ‘afterwards’. It’s nice to be able to just enjoy someone’s company w/o expectation.
On a side note, can I just tell you something? I already like having Friday/Saturdays off. All the guys I see around that never seem to be available, suddenly are. I’m used to not having anything planned or to do, I was overwhelmed by the boys suddenly vying for my attention. *g*
I start with the new trainer on Monday. His schedule is a little tight so I have to get up a tad early. However, I see this as a test of my conviction to stick with it. I took the weekend off however, I expect by Friday, I’m gonna hurt all over.
Switching subjects completely now, I downloaded a new plugin for firefox. It’s call Scribefire. It basically, lets you blog directly from you browser window w/o the need to log into your blog. It works w/blogger, wordpress, typepad, etc. I like it so far. I tend to surf and blog at the same time so this little feature is a win win in my book. OH, I also added some little chat thingeys on the left. It does a better job of showing when I’m online via the various IM clients I use. You can still click the chat link if you don’t use a IM client but for those who do, I think this makes it a little more obvious.
No, not there. I was especially touched to get home and discover the wonderful birthday cards in my mailbox. A few were expected but the majority were from bloggers. A big thank you to everyone who sent cards.
A special thank you to Joe in MI. Joe sent a card and as a present, he made a donation to the trust fund for the fallen officer. That made me cry w/happiness.
Yes, I’m back from LA. I had a great time celebrating my 36th birthday. Everyone keeps asking “Why LA?”. It wasn’t planned. We just decided to go on a whim. It was fun getting down to WeHo (West Hollywood) and seeing how the other side lives. This was the first trip together for the roomie and I. I can report we make pretty good traveling buddies. Actually, we got along beautifully1.
While in town, we did the bars, the clubs, you know the whole S&M (stand and model) routine. OY, so much effort so little time. The bars/clubs were ok but everyone seemed overdressed. Not overdressed as in formal but just too much. Everything seemed so contrived as to present a look. What happened to going out to just enjoy yourself? Anyway, I had way more fun just hanging out visting the local hang outs. We did not get to see a filming of Wisecrack. I checked and they just weren’t filming.
The name “urban sprawl” most definitely applies to LA. Besides WeHo, we hit the Valley, Silverlake, Hollywood, and parts of Pasadena. Way too much driving. Made me homesick for SF. I love being able to walk or MUNI everywhere.
I’m proud to say I made it to the gym while in town. Oooohhhhweee! The WeHo Gold’s was a cornecopia of hot menses. I even scoped out some celebs. My roomie pointed out Fabio too me. I’d like to apologize here. Fabio doesn’t look gay in person at all. I always thought he was a bit of a “nelly”. I’ve made more than a few disparaging remarks about him. Seeing him at the gym, he is actually quite masculine. Now, if he’d just cut that damn hair. I got to see Rubert Everet as well. He, on the otherhand, did not look so good. Maybe he had a hard night. Or, maybe he just had a “hard knight”? (Ok, no more cheesy comments.) I’m also convinced I saw the kid from the original Never Ending Story as well. He was quite grown up and not half bad either. If it was him, I always knew he was gonna be gay. I saw a few other famous folks. Since I don’t really know their real names, pardon me for no more name dropping.
Ok, now to the juicy part.2 *Warning NSFW*
Continue reading I’m Back!
I have a 4 day weekend starting tomorrow. The roomie and I are headed down to LA to see some friends and see what kind of trouble we can get into. I haven’t been to WeHo in like years dude.
Wish me luck?
A coworker commented on how he thought I was a perfect fit for my position as a Union Steward today. Not only am I not afraid to speak up but I’m also knowledgable about policy/procedure. And by the reaction of several supervisors/managers, I’d say I’m having an affect. One supervisor in particular won’t even speak to me now. I found out it is because he thinks I’m assurping his authority. Whatever the hell that means. I see it more as a check and balance to the system. I am here to add balance into an obviously unequal style of treatment.
It sorta got me to thinking though. Why do I like it? I don’t get paid for it and it certainly adds to my already heavy workload. Here is what I came up with.
One, I have a deeply rooted desire to ‘fix’ things. I’ve never figured out where it comes from but it’s true. I see a problem and I immediately wanna fix it. I get such a sense of accomplishment when I do “fix” something too. I’m also sure my willingness to overshare information stems from the same place.
Two, I’m a little bit of a control freak. I was always taught “if you want something done right, do it yourself“. A side rant to that, I also believe if you bitch about a problem you should be part of the solution.
Three, I have a strong desire to help people. I think this one stems from all of my own neglect as a kid1. Sort of a reverse behavior trait. I think it also gives me my sense of fair-mindedness. It is perfectly normal to have your own best interests at heart and I’m no exception however, playing the underdog often allows me to accomplish both goals in one.
Four, I’ve also wondered if it stems from my subconscious need to belong as well. Maybe all this time the ole id was trying to tell me something. Something I was missing but just didn’t know it.
Or, maybe it’s a bit of all of the above mashed into one person? I’m willing to go out on a limb here and think the latter is the truest answer. What say you?
OMG! This has got to be a new record. I’ve been online less than 2, 5, 10, 15 minutes today total. For someone who lives ‘on’ the grid, that is a new record.
Its my Friday and I’m off to catch up on the afore mentioned stuff I don’t have enough time to do lately. Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far.
Oh and whoever sent the IM, I did’t ignore you, I missed it. Forgive me.