So, I got the bugs worked out of the code (I think). I tinkered w/it for hours. I couldn’t get IE and Firefox to load it right using call commands so I said screw it.
Here it is the official vidcast of the moby files. . . Don’t judge too harshly, I’m just a beginner after all. (The irony is it actually displays much better using firefox instead of IE. How’s that for a kick in the pants?)
* You can download the video here if you are having trouble.*
I bought a new camera and I’m trying it out…*crossed fingers*
*You need to have windows media player 9 installed for it to work* You can download the video here if you are having trouble.*
My last post yesterday brought up a lot of painful memories. It’s no wonder I’m feeling more than a little lonely today. Yeah, I still yearn for a partner in life. Yeah, I’d love to find a love as strong as the first one. The cluster fuck w/Bent Collective shows I’m still willing. But should I sacrifice myself in the process? Should I conform and be a ‘good little faggot’ to save face within our community? Should I change who I am and pretend it’s all “ok”? Or, should I jump from one failed relationship to the next in the vain hope of finding some attention? (Say it w/me kiddies . . . C-O – d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e!) Been there, done that, still have the t-shirt. I’ve done that most of my adult life and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of settling for second best. (And I think I’ve probably blathered on about this before but sometimes a horse needs a good beating.)
No, what this trip brought home to me is that I am unwilling to succomb to such an ugly emotion. I’ve seen firsthand what loneliness does to a person when left to fester in your soul. No, I will not conform. No, I will not change who I am just to be accepted. No, I will not look in every failed relationship for validation. Yes, I must face the possiblity that I may always be alone. But in the end, I’ll be able to say I found some self-respect. Something I’ve been lacking my whole life.
Tonight I found myself sitting in the exact same spot where, 16 years ago, I almost took my life. I know you’re probably asking yourself, “WTF is he talking about?”. Well, I’m getting to it. And while it is a bit heavy, it’s on a good bent.
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To start, let me back up a bit. I detoured thru Galveston today to pick up a friend who wanted to tag along w/me to see the clan. I’ve known Curtis going on 14 years now. I don’t often get to see him while I’m here so I figured I could kill two birds w/one stone. The bad news is he could only get one day off from work so I had to bring him back to Galveston. I originally planned to drive back into Houston and crash w/Trev however, the idea struck me to just get a cheapy hotel room and stay here. Galveston is actually 45 minutes closer to our place in the sticks. And yeah, I could have stayed w/Curtis but I was in a weird mood to be alone. Now I know why.
Isn’t it funny sometimes how life sorta plops you down somewhere w/o rhyme or reason. You are just toodling along and BAM! It hits you. It happened like that for me tonight. I didn’t spend much effort looking for a hotel. I grabbed the first one that looked good and showed “free wifi” on the marquee. As luck would have it, The Commoder Hotel fit the bill nicely. I park, drop the gear off, and then hit the beach. I’m walking out onto the dike to get a good blast of the water and salt air. At this point, I wasn’t really sure why my mood had turned so somber. I had a good day hanging out w/Curtis and the brother. Yet, I felt oddly familiar emotions boiling just beneath the surface of my id. I eventually chalked it up to old memories and kept walking. It wasn’t until I reached the end of the dike that it hit me.
This was the dike. The dike where 16 years ago I found myself seriously contemplating walking out into the ocean and just letting go of all the pain. I couldn’t believe it. How could I have forgotten? Better yet, what guided me to this very spot tonight? I stood there in complete disbelief at first. So many emotions fighting for dominance. I’m not really sure how long I stood there. After the shock wore off, I realized not only was I soaking wet (I’d been standing at the very end and the waves were splashing all over me), I was also crying. And as I stood there licking the salt water from my face, I realized I was crying not from sadness but happiness. Happy for so many reasons but the most obvious was that I had survived. Happy that I kept on going and made something of myself. Maybe not something great but something nonetheless. I sat down (after backing up a bit) and just let all the emotions wash over me. Towards the end, I began to feel a bit empty. I reached for my little piece of joy and there it was. Tucked away but still there as always just waiting for me to need it.
Ya know folks, I really have led a blessed life. Oh! And I think I realize now why I’m so drawn to the beach. It’s not just the waves and sun. It’s the connection that it reminds me of. The point in my life when I first found myself. How could I have missed that all these years.
No matter what happens tomorrow, this has been the best vacation I’ve ever taken.
. . . no I don’t but yesterday was a long one. 7am to 11pm. OY!
Another long day today but not like yesterday.
Btw, if you’ve been following The Aids Ride this year, you can hop over to Jack Hampster and see is photo montage. If you stop by, leave some kind words of encouragement too!
Happy weekend for those of you who work some sort of normal schedule. (who me bitter? naaaaaah)
I booked a flight home to see my youngest brother. My older brother is around but doesn’t have much to do w/me. Mostly his issues, such is life I guess. My oldest brother is off in Alabama working a new job. True to form, he has stopped responding to the rest of us. It will just be me and the little ‘bro’. Well, that and his kids. My afore mentioned nephew and niece whom I adore. Little Ricky just makes my heart melt every time I see him. But I digress. I helped raise my little brother. We’ve always been the closest. We email/text each other a lot and it’s nice to keep up w/him. For a long time I kept my family at a distance. With the passing of my father, we’ve sorta reconnected again. Some of us anyway. It’s nice getting to know my brother as a man vs the boy I remember.
The land that I used to refer to as “my parent’s place” is ‘our place’ now. I keep forgetting and referring to it in the former. It’s odd. I still don’t really see it as mine. I still think of it as my dad’s. I guess that’s normal, I dunno. I’m supposed to help rebuild a fence when I get back but I don’t think my brother wants to. hehehe. We’ll probably end up just hanging out, going hunting, fishing or stuff like that.
People who know me now don’t often see my country side. Other than my twang and slang that is. Most of my friends think I’m just headed to another city. My parent’s place Our place is out in the boonies of East TX. Even though, it’s not so boonies anymore as the place is growing like crazy. But for now, it’s still pretty hick’ified. My closest neighbor is half a mile away and our place sits between a natural gas pipeline and a 400 mile slew (open wooded space). Sounds exciting huh? lol
I am grateful that I grew up in the country. I think it has added to my perspective on life over the years and helped to keep me grounded. There is something to be said for growing up close the Earth and raising food/livestock for yourself. I didn’t understand it as a kid but as a man, I see it all too clearly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to live there however, I’ve learned to value my roots. (pun intended)
I guess my point in all these jabber is this. I used to dread going home. It was sort of like my once a year punishment. Now I look forward to it. The demons of my past are slowly falling away and in their place new memories are growing. The need to “get away” has left me. Ain’t life funny that way?
Someone tried to let me down easy today. It failed. Miserably, I might add.
So, I’m left to move on w/my life. For the 2nd time in just 2 short years, my heart is broken.
When will I ever fucking learn?
I’m off to bend eager minds to my devilish will.
Lately, the evil sp@mmers have gotten good at infiltrating blogs using wordpress and typepad w/trackback sp@m. Basically, they trick the blog into thinking someone has linked back to a particular post and wordpress will post what is called a trackback comment. Of course, the spoofed version is just full of crappy links and words that increase hits from the evil engines.
Today, I installed a new filter that will verify said trackbacks and automatically discard the phoney ones. Hooray!
(or at least in theory, check back w/me in a couple of weeks…)
One of our regular callers died this past week. Harmless lady, just a bit addled by life and a little fuzzy in the logic dept. She would call us almost daily w/some new story about her husband or son stealing from her. (Both of which have been dead for years.)
The way the system works here is even if we know you are a complete loon, we have to send out the first call of the day to confirm you are, in fact, ok. The beat units know them just as well if not better than we. So, it was a bit of a surprise to see a medical call instead of PD at her address. Sadly, they discovered our dear 799 (senile person) was in fact an 802 (dead). All natural mind you. Nothing suspicious. But still very much 802. It upset several of my coworkers. Besides the obvious surprise, we were all very sad. We talk to her so much she almost felt like family. In the end, we decided to send flowers as a form of respect.
We actually have a whole contingent of crazies who call us often. Some worse than others. We have the “voodoo puppet victim” who is the worst offender and always spews obscenities. The lady who claims the KGB is running sex gadget all over her body as a form of mind control. Another sweet lady albeit loony as a jaybird. Then there is the guy who complains about the automated voice on muni buses harassing him wherever he goes. These are just a few of the more noteworthy ones. Sometimes, if we aren’t too busy, we spend time talking to them. Nothing revealing just casual conversation. Usually this serves to calm’em down and life goes on.
So, what’s your crazy person story?
