Moving & Separation

Well, I’ve been busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest this past week so haven’t been posting much lately. I had all these great rants I wanted to squeeze in but now I’ve misplaced/forgotten half of them.

I mentioned a few blogs back that I was moving. Well, today was the day. I am finished w/the first day of the move. I’m about mid way thru it and I don’t mind telling you I am tuckered out. I’ve been moving/packing all freaking day and I’m soooo over it. (g) I’m still torn about the move itself. I’m gonna be saving buttloads of cash but I really hate not being in the heart of the city. That said, I need to recoup from my financial losses this past year. (Yes, taking care of shithead was a big part of it) Not to mention, I plan to start paramedic training in the Spring or Fall. First and foremost though, I plan to be debt free by summertime. I don’t have that much debt in the scope of things. However, I’m tired of it constantly being over my head.

Since I mentioned Shithead, I guess I should give you the update on him as well. Surprisingly, he (my ex) came back from Palm Springs and didn’t put up a fight at all about me asking him to move out. As expected, he is moving-in with his best friend. He also helped out quite a bit getting ready for the move. Of course, the fact that I’m letting him store ALL his stuff at my new place for free until he gets back on his feet might have something to do with it. Everyone says I’m being too nice to him after the way he has wronged me. Try as I might, I just can’t be cruel in return. I was mistreated for so much of my childhood that I can’t or better yet, I won’t inflict that sort of torment on someone I care about. Make no mistake, I have no illusions that we’ll ever be together again. That said, I find that I’m still very much in love with him.

Tomorrow is the last day we will spend together and I just know I’m gonna be all blubbery about it. Being a typical Aquarian I’m loyal to the bitter end I guess.

Moving – AGAIN!

I have to start getting my butt in gear. I’m moving next weekend to a house near Balboa Park. I absolutely detest moving. I’d pay someone else to do it if I could afford it. But cash flow is the reason I’m moving in the first place, so maybe next time.

I shouldn’t bitch I guess. I mean I’m moving to from a tiny 1 bedroom apt into 2bedroom house w/garage, etc. I’m making out like a bandit on the rent as well.

Why can’t someone invent teleporters so we can just zap our furniture places! I think that would be the best contribution anyone could make to the 21st century. Oh well, one can dream.

The Trip – Short Version

Its amazing what some time away can do for the soul. The trip was fantastic! Surf/Sun was the order dejour with a little wave running thrown in for good measure. I’m condensing it here but if you want more details, check out the long version

I seemed to have lost the flash disc w/most of the pics on it however, I did manage to salvage a few from the camera. I can’t tell how much better I feel afterwards. Not to mention it gave me some time away from the ex to clear my head and remember what’s important to me in my life. The pain is still there, no doubt, but I’m coping w/that and am in a much better place mentally now.

I’ve been working out pretty hard this last year and was very pleased w/the ‘attention’ I got while away. hehehe I know, vain and shallow but I need some attention too! (G) I also got a good tan working now too!

Back Home

WOW! What a great trip. I’m back in town and will add details when I get time. I’m rushed today so bear w/me. I’m also annoyed that I can’t add all my pics as one blog instead of several. I’m also seem to be missing one of the flash disks….

That said, I had a great time and will post more details soon. *hugs to all*

Giving Up

After an argument today with the bf (or ex-bf I should say), it has become very clear to me he has no desire to reconcile and never has. With that in mind, I have given up any hope of salvaging our 3 1/2 year relationship. Most of my anger last night was over this very revelation. I must confess I’m still mystified as to why he doesn’t even care to try. Today, his only feeble attempt at a reason was “we’ve grown apart.” In the breadth of the last year, we’ve somehow grown apart. I could insert some really mean things here but what’s the point? It won’t change anything and really wouldn’t make me feel any better either.

I also discovered he is rather annoyed that I post my feelings on this blog. Several of our mutual friends, along w/a gaggle of nosey watchdogs, read it and run back to him wanting details. I make no apologies for the way I feel. I’ve said nothing here that I haven’t told him face to face. Is he afraid people will judge him based solely on my comments? If so, that’s his problem. This is my way of working thru the pain and disappointment of being discarded like yesterdays trash. I’ve been there for him thru thick and thin. I encouraged him when he was down and I applauded him when he was up. This is what I get in return. [1]Do I sound bitter here? I think so too After the way he so casually dismissed the life we had together, I’m not even sure I could take him back now.

The only thing left to do now is put it behind me, pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

References

References
1 Do I sound bitter here? I think so too

Bad Day

I’m not even sure how to start this one. I’m annoyed enough I could break something. As pathetic as it sounds, I discovered today that several of my ex-partner’s friends keep checking my blog in the sole attempt to report back on my “comments” regarding our split. The stupidity of said people is overwhelming considering I monitor my blog traffic IP addresses and my blog is public. On top of that, my ex seems to think I’m stupid enough to not hear about if from people we know. Not to mention everything on my blog, I’ve said to his face. But enough on that.

So here is a comment for you nosy pests. Yeah we split up. Feel better now? Just itching to swoop in and take my place? My advice to you is go for it!

Me, Oh So Long Ago

Being a typical vain fag, I’m a member of several online gay muscle sites. I’ve gotten alot of requests from guys wanting to know what I looked like before I started working out.

Well folks, seeing is believing! The pic below is me circa 1990. This is me before I knew what working out was all about. (It was also me when I HAD hair).

Moby Circa 1990
As you can see, I’ve changed quite a bit since then. My goal was never to be huge, just bigger. I didn’t actually start working out in earnest until early 2000. I’ve never been one to work out so I could impress others. I got tired of being so damn skinny a good gust a wind could blow me away. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the attention I get now that I’m bigger. That said, when I started working out for my reasons, I stuck w/it. Its become a part of my life that I can’t go without. I don’t live for the gym but I go often.

On a related note, I got the chance to experiment w/a low impact steroid about a year ago after recovering from a bad case of food poisoning. By low impact I mean a pill version w/limited side-effects. While it did give me a really good pump, I found that my sex drive increased exponentially. And while this may sound like a good thing, let me explain. I’ve always had a strong libido. If you know me, you know I ain’t lyin’. So after about 2 weeks, it got to the point where I could not focus on a single task without thinking about sex. When I could get it, where, from who, how often, etc. After a while, it began to affect my daily routine and my job. I know what your thinking…”I’d kill for that” right? Wrong! When it starts affecting your life on a fundamental level, its time to quit. And quit I did.

Afterwards, I did manage to keep a little of the bulk I had gained but not much. What goes up must come down. The same is true for the body. While I peaked performance on the drug, I went thru a dip after coming off of it. My desire for sex evaporated. For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to not be in the mood. I also couldn’t muster the same amount of energy to workout. I’d go for days w/o even going to the gym. After about 2 weeks I leveled out to normal again. I can only imagine what the stronger injectable versions would do to you. Yikes!

So the long and short of it is simple. I’m proof positive anyone can workout and improve their appearance. Its no always easy but, if it was everyone would do it.

Thats my story officer and I’m sticking to it!

New Digs

Well, looks like I might be moving. A buddy of mine from work is renting out his house and just came from checking it out. Wasn’t really expecting it but its too good to pass up. I’m getting a 1300 sq ft 2bedroom house w/all the appliances including w/d, hard wood floors and 2 car garage for less than I’m paying for a 1bedroom apt. Not to mention a nice jacuzzi bathtub to boot!

Wasn’t really expecting to take it as its kinda out of the area I’d like to be in. That said, w/the split, I need to save money and try and back on track a bit. I’m willing to forego convenience to save some major fundage!

Now I have to swithc gears, so to speak, and get my butt moving. Crap to get done. I forgot to take the camera so will have to post pics later.

Better Today

I seem to be better today. Yesterday just seemed unbearable. Some days are better than others I guess. I think its harder right now because we have to see each other every day. I just have to remember the good parts and try to put the bad behind me I guess….

He isn’t working and has no where else to stay. All my friends say I should kick him to the curb but thats just not how I operate. The revenge I’d get would only be short lived and doesn’t do anything to help the problem. Truth is, I still love him. I just have to realize that I have to let him go and hope he comes back to me before its too late. Either way, I’m moving on w/my life and taking care of myself.

Single Again

Well after 3 years, I am soon to be single again. Its especially hard for me this time because I vested more of myself in this relationship than I ever have before. He was the first person I’d ever been with where I used the term we in my head. I’ve had other ltr’s but in my head, it was always me and this person, never we. He was also someone I pictured growing old with. When we met, he was living in Fresno. So many things clicked. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc. Ironically, neither one was looking for a bf so the clicking just seemed so much more natural.

The trouble started after he moved here. I’m not really sure when but things have been going downhill for months now. I’ve given him room to grow as a person and experience what it is to be out and gay. But maybe my fault was in being too understanding. That said, after some ernest soul searching, I’ve come to realize what I believe to be the problem. Right now he is so focused on all the things he thinks he missed in the last 15 years (before he met me), that’s all he sees. When he sees me, he sees all the things he thinks is holding him back. I also think he will come to regret this decision. I’m just not sure I’ll be there when he does. Being a typical Aquarian, I’m loyal to a fault. Once I make a break though, I rarely go back. I give of myself 100% and when that is rejected, I am never able to reconcile w/a fresh start. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me.

Because so much of our lives are entwined right now, it will be months before we can completely go our separate ways. Hopefully, he’ll wise up. Regardless, I have to move on w/my life. I say this thru tears. It sounds so easy when I sit here and look at it in black and white. However, my heart says something completely different. I’m just so disappointed that things have gone so far downhill. I have to stop now…