Category: society

Stuff

I had a caller tell me the other day she couldn’t be bothered to worry about tying up an emergency line because “that stuff doesn’t effect me.” Well true, at least until you do need someone and then the line is tied up by some other very inconsiderate person who can’t be bothered. Karma can sometimes be a painful teacher. I hope she never finds out first hand. But the flat out indifference surprised me a bit. ‘Screw you because I can’t be bothered to care about my actions but I’ll be the first to scream when it happens to me,‘ seems to be the norm vs the exception these days. While the result of your actions may not always be readily quantifiable, it should matter that your behavior impacts others. Otherwise, we devolve into a race of adults w/the minds of self-obsessed teenagers. Think on that for a bit.  /rant

Another caller didn’t believe he’d reached the real police dept and kept hanging up. He’d then call back to try and get someone who sounded more official. He got me and apparently thought I was official enough to report his noise complaint to.

The best call was a guy reporting a 311 (naked person) in the wharf who kept going on and on about how unattractive the naked person was. I mean he really went on about it. Couldn’t be bothered so much that he was naked but that he was unattractive and naked. lol At least he was honest about it.

*

The project I’m assigned to is still ongoing. What was supposed to be roughly 6 months has turned into a year, or it will have by the time the assignment is over. I don’t mind but many of the delays, most unnecessary politics, have sucked some of the fun out of it for me. I still get to influence how it will function and look and as a user that will be the biggest benefit. I could go on and on over the drama but it’s not worth it. In the end, it’s gone from being exciting and fun to just a paycheck. [1]Ok, the geek in me still likes it but the zeal is gone.  lol I don’t think I’d be cut out for civil service in the higher echelons. I’d get too disenfranchised I think.

Speaking of, more and more of my coworkers, as they discover the breadth of work I’ve created, are saying I’m in the wrong position or I should try to wrangle another job out of this. I am really appreciative that they recognize not only the level of skill but also the amount of work I’ve put into this thing. That said, I really enjoy my job. Primarily because it matters in a very real way. My actions have direct consequences on people’s lives and I value that. While it is true I don’t use all of my available skills, I use plenty and I’m content in that. And it is projects like this that give me a chance to show off my less used abilities. I guess in the end I would consider other options if they were available but it would have to be pretty good for me to jump ship, so to speak.

References

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↑1 Ok, the geek in me still likes it but the zeal is gone.

Russia

I rarely discuss current events here as one, not really what my blog is about and two, successful discourse these days seems to be all but impossible. Having had several discussions with friends and even a few blog readers asking my thoughts on it, I thought I’d weigh in.

First, there is no clean answer. It is a sticky convoluted problem. Every answer put forward so far hurts someone. So if you look at the least amount of harm caused vs potential success then you can sort of see a way forward.

The boycott of companies. I don’t support a boycott. Primarily, because it won’t do any good. Put – head doesn’t care about the fallout or damage he causes, he only cares about furthering an agenda. He doesn’t care if we boycott one company or all of them, he will continue his agenda unabated. This is Russia we’re talking about. It’s history speaks for itself. Frankly, I don’t see that we do all that much business with Russian companies to begin with. I’m sure we have some but as a consumer I just don’t see it. I also don’t believe that they have any influence at all over their government. They don’t have the lobbyists like we do here. They don’t have the buying power like greedy corps here. The vodka company has been a decent supporter of gay rights before and after this incident. Why is it fair to punish them when they have zero influence over their government? Plus, boycotts are becoming so common as to be pointless and ineffective IMO. Even if they make further strides to support us, I still don’t support our methodology. The end does not justify the means if we give up the ethical/moral high ground. I don’t see the extra media attention as justification either. Said attention could have been garnered in other ways.

Boycotting the Olympics. Why, so the Russian athletes can take home all the medals? No thanks. Many of these athletes work their whole lives for this. To deny them that would be just a wrong as what is being done to us. How does wronging others do us any benefit? If anything, I think it would create more animosity towards the LGBT community.

Moving the Olympics. I would support a measure if there were time. From a very pragmatic approach, there isn’t and they wouldn’t even consider it. It takes years to plan and prepare for said event. As much as I’d love it if they were willing to move it, it’s not gonna happen. Too many ripple effects for a cause that is not near and dear to their hearts. If it were an option, this would be the one to go with. It would embarrass Russia and Put – head in a major way. Sadly, I just don’t see it as a real option.

Banning Russia from the Olympics. While still causing harm to their athletes, it would send a very powerful message to the government. While I still don’t like the idea of denying athletes, many of whom are probably gay, it is the least damaging of the previous options. Sadly, I’m not even sure that would work. Put – head has some pretty hard line policies and I can’t honestly believe he’d change his mind.

Pressuring sponsors. This is probably the least likely to cause harm but also least effective. I’d support the effort but I’m having a hard time finding a positive net result.

I would push other countries into a united front against Russia. Then if they didn’t budge the IOC could resort to banning Russia from attending. To me this seems to be the most effective way to make a positive change before the Olympics. Granted, any athletes that get arrested for ‘propaganda’ would set off world wide repercussions. While I’d never wish that on anyone, I’d support any athlete who did it! And sadly, I am worried it is the only really effective way to make a difference over there. *sigh*

Dong

Ding dong Prop 8 and DOMA (parts at least) are dead! lol It is high time too. Courtesy of the rulings, ss-couples can now not only be recognized at the state level but also the federal level. This is truly historic times for us.

To wake up and feel like an equal citizen for the first time [1]Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8 is amazing. And unlike before Prop 8, there is a sense of finality to the issue. There will be no more Prop 8s. We’ve gained recognition at a whole new level and I couldn’t be happier. To feel recognized and accepted under the law is just unbelievable. In a way, it is almost anti-climactic.

Of course, the fight is not over. We still have equal rights for our Trans brethren and we still have a slew of states that don’t yet recognize gay marriage and/or bar it completely. The latter is only a matter of time. If you read the DOMA ruling, the justices pretty much set it up. The bias and basis for these laws is based only on discrimination and ignorant religious dogma. As new cases wind their way thru the courts back to the supreme court, the issue of ss-marriage will be decided once and for all. All the states with these horrible restrictions and bans on ss-marriage will have to suck it up, just like they did for women voting, the end of segregation, and interracial marriages. All of which, they also tried to use religious dogma to enforce.

The tide has shifted to our side. Thanks to the multitudes of us living openly/honestly, the world is beginning to see we really aren’t that different. We want the same things in life. We aren’t out to destroy civilization. Hardly. lol With 7 billion people clogging up this poor planet, there is zero danger there. I look forward to the future w/new dreams that I never thought possible.

References

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↑1 Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8

Equal

One of the biggest complaints I heard from locals during and after pride was about all the straights. All I can say is ‘careful what you wish for!‘  We asked for equality and we’re getting it. That doesn’t mean everything becomes hunky dory nor does it mean we can remain separate. And it certainly does not it mean our fight is over.

On one hand, it is a good sign that more and more straights feel comfortable celebrating a gay event. It is yet another indication that we have become accepted by society. But sadly, our straight brethren aren’t always looking to see things our way. They’re indifference hasn’t changed. To them, it is yet another party to be celebrated, the reasons are irrelevant. [1]One could argue the latter for gays in many ways too Yes, I’m overgeneralizing to make a point here.

And we have our own realizations to adapt to as well. This idea of separate but equal is dead. Cast it aside and move beyond it. Did we think we’d get equality and still be separate? Did we think everyone would accept us and still leave us alone? Sorry, that is not how it works. You can’t get equality and then ask to be treated special. And it seems that is the confusing part for many of us. We haven’t fully realized what equality means and are still holding onto our old ideals. In essence, we’re still stuck on being separate from the whole. We’re beyond that now and we need to catch up.

Some might see our new reality as a down side. I don’t. But I guess I’ve always realized what the true equality would mean. I knew this was coming and I’ve hoped for it all my life. You can’t have special and equal rights. As previously mentioned, there will be some homogenization of our culture. Will it disappear? Of course not. But this is why some within our own community have fought against the march to equality.  Like all things, our culture will adapt. But we must realize the days of “our” events are over. It is no longer our event. It is simply an event that happens to deal with us. Like it or hate it, it simply is.

I’d rather that than the worry and fear of never having the rights I need/want/deserve under the law. I’d rather know if my partner is injured or dies, I wouldn’t be locked out of his last moments or his family couldn’t take away everything we built together in life. I don’t want to pay extra taxes because the feds don’t recognize my marriage. I don’t want my foreign born partner deported. I don’t want my children in legal limbo. The list goes on and on.

Now we begin to see the true face of equality. And having seen it, would you deny that to the thousands of families across this nation? Even if, for you, it’s not all that it is cracked up to be, would you turn back the clock to full separation?

References

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↑1 One could argue the latter for gays in many ways too

Pride-less

I don’t know if it is a trend or if maybe I’m just noticing it more but I have noticed a rather vocal mix of gays who are distancing themselves from this years Pride celebration. I say ‘distancing’ to basically cover the fact we are becoming just like those who hate us more and more every day. I guess we really are moving into mainstream because we’re certainly becoming less and less tolerant every day. How very normal of us. Well, if that is what it takes to be considered normal, you can keep it.

Of course you hear the usual arguments, “Those people are so over the top” or “I just don’t feel like they represent me.” Let me spell out what should be completely obvious. If I wanna wrap myself in tin foil and where a pink tutu swinging from the highest float in the parade that doesn’t negate or reduce my right to equality. You don’t have to be my best friend, be my friend, or even like me but that doesn’t mean I am any more/less deserving than you. No one’s right to equality should depend on anyone else’s personal disapproval. Conformity is not a prerequisite to equality.

From my perspective, when I hear “I just don’t identify with Pride celebrations anymore. They don’t represent who I am”, to me that is just code for saying, “Now that I have a decent amount of rights, I’m indifferent and can’t be bothered anymore.” How many straight allies would we have if they were all so indifferent? Like it or not, many of those people helped jump start our movement. It might be an inconvenient truth but it is still the truth.

The irony here is I’ve always said that the more vocal and visible don’t always represent the bulk of our community. I still say that. Let me step beyond my irritation for a moment and get to the point of my little ramble today. The gist I get from many of these rants is that they see only the people IN the parade. What about the thousands or hundreds of thousands in the audience? THEY are the true representation of our very diverse community. The parade is just the reason to sell tickets and get you out the door. [1]And yes it needs a sensational component to sell those tickets.  I would argue when you look down your nose and avoid it, you are the one doing the harm. You are denying those coming up behind us from seeing their life’s struggles reflected in your eyes. You are the one keeping the focus on the more sensational and/or seedy parts of our community. We have more rights now than we’ve ever had in this country. And we are on the cusp of truly breaking down the inequalities inflicted upon us in law. But true representation requires attendance from the varied paths within to exist. When you do not participate you remove part of that representation from the equation. And frankly, when you walk away or don’t participate you give up the right to bitch about it.

I still remember the overwhelming connection I felt at my first few Prides. It wasn’t because I identified with everyone in the parades, it was because I saw masses of people who were like me. I didn’t feel alone anymore. Those singular moments were very empowering. I would never willingly deny that to anyone coming up behind me.

Whether you celebrate Pride or not, don’t tear down those who do attend simply because you disagree with their choices or particular flair expressing themselves. While they may not be a true representation of our community, at least they show up.

References

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↑1 And yes it needs a sensational component to sell those tickets.

Strange

It’s always fun when speaking to a complete stranger and watching the look on their face here. I was standing next to a guy in the mirror at the gym locker room the other day. I started chatting with him just randomly. No flirting, just me being me. He gave me this perplexed look and actually said, “why are you talking to me?” My response, ‘well you’re standing next to me butt-naked in a mirror. I figured we could exchange conversation.”  He walked away somewhat wary, as if I had some ulterior motive.

I giggle to myself and went on about my day. I guess it is easy to wall yourself in Cities like SF. I mean you get bombarded by people with a cause, sign here, donate for this, save the tress…blah blah blah. And that’s before you even get to the panhandling homeless guys. lol So, I think it is natural that people learn to keep their shields up, so to speak.

It doesn’t phase me. I get a little disappointed obviously. But, being from the South, I’m gonna keep on doing what I keep on doing and that’s be me. Should you be perplexed or not understand, well that’s your issue.

Happy weekend all.

 

Smile

Facts

Following up on my cognitive dissonance rant, I’ve been really disappointed lately with the disturbing trend we have toward ignoring facts. It seems that once again we are following in the foot-steps of the crazies by now also ignoring facts in favor of bias.

I use the most recent episode of Fitness SF’s [1]Formerly Gold’s Gym domain scandal. One of the web contractors for the gym took their domain down and posted a rather long diatribe about “freelance developers” and “independent businesses” not being respected or paid. The contractor went on to accuse the franchise [2]Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms of failing to pay past due bills.

First, I agree a business should pay its bills. That was never in dispute. However, reading the posted story, it didn’t take much to recognize there was more to it. First, the contractor focused too hard on trying to play the victim and FSF was the big bad guy. Second, it reeked of revenge. The contractor requested everyone reading his rant cancel their memberships in protest. And here’s the kicker, some people did! With no more information than that given by a disgruntled party in a civil dispute, people not only canceled memberships but went on personal tirades about freelancers, the gym, uppity gays, blah, blah, blah.

FSF released a statement a couple days later detailing more of what was going on. And as suspected, it was much more than them just refusing to pay a bill. The contractor missed not only content but also deadline delivery. It goes one step further. His contract had been canceled and he no longer had legal access to the domain! So not only did the contractor act unethically, he also broke the law. And yet FSF was the bad guy. I don’t know who is ultimately “right” in this whole ordeal, but what is clear is it was a civil dispute between two parties that should never have been made public in this manner. I will add, having seen the mess that was their website during their grand-opening, it certainly adds up.

Here is where my rant really comes in today. Even after more of the real story came out, many still bashed FSF and went on to claim “support for freelance developers.” [3]Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.  Truth no longer mattered, only the person’s personal bias. On a tangent, having done freelance web-design for many years, I can speak from experience. If I didn’t deliver a product as promised, I didn’t expect to get paid. And if I did get paid, it wasn’t the original price. I certainly would never stoop to taking down a companies’ domain over a dispute. One, said practice is a very grey area legally and two, it certainly doesn’t encourage more business knowing you resort to such tactics. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The moment the contractor stooped this low, he lost any moral high-ground, if he ever had it to begin with.

Facts matter people and so should the truth. This is but one example of many I could cite lately. We all have personal biases, no secret there. But we also have reason. When you allow your personal bias to trump reason and then go on to compound the issue thru denial, you marginalize yourself (and your argument). Life rarely deals in absolutes and trying to have an absolute ideal is often a recipe for failure. Don’t get caught up in the sensationalism and/or mob mentality. And just because a “friend” shared it with you on Facebook, take the time to understand an issue before going all holier-than-thou.

We are better than this. We do not need to stoop to such tactics to be taken seriously. You can support a cause, group, or ideal w/o blindly ignoring facts, reason, or simple logic.

References

References
↑1 Formerly Gold’s Gym
↑2 Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms
↑3 Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.

GGP

For “God’s Gentle People”

Not even 12 hours after my post, the nasty-grams started rolling in. As always, new comments are held for moderation. It’s always a pleasure reading some of the nasty vitriol that people of faith can sometimes spew. And as always, while you may disagree with me, even vehemently, you may not make personal attacks on me. Not if you wish such comments to ever see the light of day. Such nonsense is deleted at my sole discretion.

I did get one semi-decent personal email message. What started off as rhetoric turned into, what I felt, was a disingenuous effort to call me a hypocrite. The person had obviously taken the time to read thru some of my blog. [1]Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle  For the sake of brevity, I will ignore all the religious quotes as they mean nothing to me. In a nutshell, the commenter implied that because I talk about my adult struggles and even my mention of being compulsive in the past that I am a liar. He goes on to attempt to hammer home many of Mat’s points about the “destructive gay lifestyle.”

If you’ve taken the time to read my previous rant or any of Mat’s stuff, you discover very quickly he blames a huge chunk of his own shortcomings and failures in life on being gay. Mat, regardless of the reasons, made some bad choices in his young gay life. [2]It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.  Those choices are a reflection on his growth (or lack) as a man, not his being gay. Choosing dark paths doesn’t make being gay the fault anymore than being straight would be at fault. Attempting to do so is nothing more than denial. And just because Mat paints us in over-generalizations to combat his own denial doesn’t make it true. One has only to look at the thousands of LGBT couples getting married all over this country now to see we just want to be equal. We want to be able to establish our families and be recognized under the law. And yes, many of us get caught up in some of the negative aspects of our community. But that doesn’t make us any less deserving of love, respect, and equality. Self-destructive behavior isn’t gay or straight, it’s human.

As for me, I make no bones about my openness regarding sex. I do NOT live a life based on puritanical restrictions. I also make no secret that I struggled with compulsiveness surrounding sex. I fell for many of the failed coping mechanisms that Mat did. But instead of blaming my own failings on being gay, I accepted myself. I worked on discovering why I was so compulsive and worked to correct it. I grew as a man, shedding many of the insecurities that plagued me as a youth and pushed me into some destructive or excessive behaviors. So you see dear reader, I am not a hypocrite. But I do not live in a world of absolutes so I don’t see it as you do. I live in this world with its many complicated, messy, fallible humans. Nor do I live a moral code based on fear of what might happen to me after I die. I chose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I struggle. My failures do not make me less deserving or make being gay inherently bad.

I stand by my words and my advice to Mat. I hope he finds peace. But I don’t believe he ever will until he lets go of trying to deny what he is.

References

References
↑1 Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle
↑2 It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.

Caught

Some of you will probably remember my Dear Kid open letter in response to a poster child for the ex-gay movement, Matt Moore. Matt’s story was slightly different as he wasn’t claiming to not be gay but just not embracing it. He has his own blog where he often laments his struggles. He also wrote a “Dear Kid” letter which I took offense to and attempted to rebut several times on his site and then of course, my own follow up open letter.

Well, as you may have heard Matt got busted posting a profile on grindr recently. And while many are saying, “I told you so” that is not my purpose here today. I truly feel remorse for this guy. It breaks my heart that he has locked himself into a self-reinforcing delusion that is fed by his faith. He laments his being gay and then blames many of his mistakes in life on being gay. He goes on to infer over and over that all gays are the stereotype and therefore the gay lifestyle should be avoided as unhealthy. Don’t even get me started on how he rationalizes away the thousands of couples getting married all over the country now that it is legal. And while I see his overgeneralizations as a disingenuous, maybe he never experienced anything but the stereotype so he actually believes we all live that way. I don’t really think so but am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. Plus, it is easier to avoid the truth when you are able to conveniently label everyone into neat little packages. The problem is humans are never that simple and never fit just one mold. Labels, while sometimes appropriate, do not define us.

How very convenient for him that the mantle of being gay can be so wide as to shoulder the blame for all his life’s woes. I can only imagine what my life would be like today if I’d taken his path. I probably would have already killed myself to be honest. Having already lived thru the conflict that he goes thru, I would never wish that on a single soul. It destroys your self-worth. You become desperate to accept anything that would help you explain it away. Naturally, religion offers an easy out. You get to absolve yourself of the “sin”, blame it on the devil, and then turn it all over to someone else to handle for you. Frankly, I prefer to have a code of conduct based on being a good man, not based on fear of what some all-powerful, yet oddly selfish, supernatural being might due to me after I die.

I hope that someday Matt can break out of his self-hatred and shame and see himself and the world more objectively. I fear he is on a path to destruction and I feel powerless to help.  He is blinded by ignorant [1]and often deliberately mistranslated dogma that teaches him to hate himself. He is he finding out the hard way that dumping your problems on a deity doesn’t really pan out. Of course, there is more dogma to counteract that failure so the cycle continues.

Being gay isn’t always a walk on the beach. It can be a rough road full of heart-ache, pain, disappointment, etc. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? Some might argue it’s easier to “get by” by pretending. I’d argue how’s that working out for you? Being gay has it’s challenges, no doubt, but that doesn’t equate denying who/what you are. Blaming being gay for your own insecurities and failings in life will not make it all better. It may make a convenient scapegoat but that only lasts so long. Our culture has issues, many grown out of coping mechanisms from being under constant attack but that does not make being gay inherently bad anymore than being born with blue eyes would. How may of those issues would be nonexistent if young gays grew up in a society not fixated on hating/condemning anyone different?

In my mind, it boils down to acceptance. You can accept that which you cannot change and strive to live a life that makes you happy and fulfilled, or you can hide from what you are and live a life of misery, self-hatred, distrust, and fear. Both will be filled w/mistakes as we are human after all. But which sounds better? Only you can decide for you.

References

References
↑1 and often deliberately mistranslated

Cognitive

My big word of the day, Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically when a person(s) hold simultaneous beliefs or ideas that conflict thereby creating dissonance. Our id will not tolerate too much of said dissonance and often times something has to give to resolve the conflict. A good example is the whole fight over nudity here in SF. [1]The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example  The issue has really been good blog fodder. Not only the issue itself but also some of the observations surrounding it.

It is my opinion that many involved could not resolve the idea that someone could be both against public nudity and be progressive or liberal. Others couldn’t resolve the idea that gay men who love Folsom, Dore, and all that comes with that could also support the ban. I would call that a pretty clear case of CD. Being unable to resolve the conflict resulted in lots of name-calling, outlandish statements, and overall disgust at how SF has become fascist, Republican, and/or conservative. This created an enemy that didn’t cause conflict, could be blamed, and thereby restoring balance in the id. Oh, and any gays who were vocal about supporting the ban were also labeled as uppity, prudes, outsiders, greedy, and/or selfish. Same result different variant. [2]And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.  The very idea that you could be both gay and for the nudity ban was simply inconceivable to many. Some expressed their outrage just over that very fact.

There were many other issues at play here but this was something that struck me in a profound way. It was also very divisive. I had friends on both sides that were very passionate over it. Once I realized what I was seeing, I actually pulled back a bit to watch things unfold. It was like a weird science project. I swear I should have been a psychologist because I totally dig it. Lol Then you have the problem of filtering out the conspiracy nuts, the ignorant, and all of the personal bias. The latter being a mountain unto itself. So many were just randomly spewing nonsense. The mob mentality online is bound to be a thesis for someone somewhere.

Back on point, I don’t have a clue how we can work to better this. Belief is a powerful thing, as evidenced by the grip that organized religion has had over society for centuries. The problem I see these days is that belief seems to no longer be reliant on facts. For myself, without knowing the facts or details, I try not to go all holier-than-thou. That in itself would solve a lot of problems. I also try to be honest with myself if I have a personal bias over an issue. For example, on the nudity thing, some people that know me were very surprised at my reaction. They assumed I’d be all up in arms over it. And I’ll admit it did give me pause. I see no harm in nudity, or sex for that matter. I think our puritanical culture here in the US is extremely biased against sex in general. But as mentioned, it was more about a lack of respect IMO than the actual nudity. I also recognize a need for boundaries and respect for others.

The idea that a father of a slain child could be heckled by gun fanatic is another very striking and shameful version of cognitive dissonance. It was also a lot of other very shameful things but I was very sad to have read it. Anyway, the point of my little ramble today is it helps if we try to look outside the box from time to time. Instead of ignoring facts, we should embrace them. We should also realize that labels do not define us as individuals.

References

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↑1 The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example
↑2 And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.