Past Tense

The birthday has come and gone.  I’m officially a year older and wiser.  Well, the older part is correct at least.  It was very uneventful actually.  The roomie was out of town so I took the opportunity to catch up on several movies I’d been wanting to see. 

Cloverfield, In The Name of the King, and The Golden Compass.  The first two both decent movies but not epics by any stretch.  Imagine Cloverfield as the Blair Witch style filming of a Godzilla attack.  [1]I totally stole that quote from someone else.  In The Name of The King was a Jason Stathom flick.  Enough said really.  The Golden Compass was very well done.  I think I enjoyed it the most. 

Those 3 gems ate up most of the day.  I had a myriad of birthday texts, emails, phone calls, and web messages to respond too which was very nice.  I did get a couple of surprising emails.  Two ex’s whom I’m not overly close to both sent me B’day wishes. Who da thunk?   

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I have a short week this week due to schedule change.  I can’t tell you how happy I am that the real Friday will be my Friday as well for awhile.  I’m still on swing swift but that is by choice. 

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I’m trying to catch up on my blogroll.  Wish me luck. 

References

References
↑1 I totally stole that quote from someone else.

Resolute-toot

Ok, miss me?  I’m most definitely back.  So, this years resolutions are half and half on the shallow side. The shallow first.

1) I’ve decided I wanna really lean up.  My bulk has reached a point where I’m consistently about the same.  I’m pushing the weight I wanna be pushing so now is the time to focus on the tough part.  Having a fast metabolism, I’ve never had to fight to be fit however, leanness has always been tough for me.  Lets face it, I love to eat.  Not fast food so much as rich food.  My first resolution is to cut back on all the rich food and focus more on a well-rounded healthy diet. 

2) I want at least 2 maybe 3 more tattoos.  One on the back each forearm and I’ve yet to decide on the rest.

3) Teeth:  I had to put off braces for my teeth as I switched dental providers last year.  Little did I know the new company has a 6 month waiting period.  Fuckers!  Anyway, the 6 months is up and I need to get braces.  I had toyed with the idea of getting veneers but I’ve discarded that idea for just getting my natural teeth straightened.  Thankfully, I am an invisilign candidate. Expensive but worth it.

The not so shallow

4) The debt is under control but I’d like to polish off 2 more credit cards. 

5) I’m struggling with my paramedic training.  All the programs so far won’t work with my work schedule.  I’ve had to broaden the search to more expensive colleges in the area.  I’m hoping I can find one that offers modules vs a continuous program.  I’m more than a little disappointed however, it is what it is. 

That is is.  Not so bad overall.  I think all of my goals are doable.  Lets hope my will power and determination holds out. 

And what about you?  What are your resolutions?  Haven’t made any?  Tsk, tsk.

Busy Bee

Everyone seems to think because I haven’t posted lately, I’m depressed.  You should know by now, if I was depressed you’d be the 2nd to know. lol  I’ve just been busy.  I had to instruct class this week at work which meant I had to get up at 6 fucking am! [1]No, I’m not bitter.  Why do you ask?  Needless to say, I’m not a morning person.  Three days of that and I was ready to shoot myself.  The last two days I’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep and hit the gym.  God, it feels so good to be back in the gym. 

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I need to post some hidden stuff as I’ve been a total slut lately but I can’t seem to find the time.  I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually.  I have a new BC tonight that has me more than a little excited. He is lean, fuzzy, very soft wide lips, and has been telling me how much he wants it.  *eg*  I plan on giving it to him tonight. Almost 37 or not, I still got something the boys want. heheee

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Why does everyone think I give a shit about Apple’s newest innovations?  Let me spell it out for you, I don’t.  I hate MAC, I hate Apple, and I don’t really care for Jobs.  Next! /rant

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I was looking back at my last year’s resolutions and discovered I was pretty liberal with setting’em.  Guess I’ll have to do better this time.  A mans gonna have goals right? 

References

References
↑1 No, I’m not bitter.  Why do you ask?

37 Years and Counting

So the 37th birthday is fast approaching.  I’m officially late 30’s now.  No longer can I refer to myself as "mid-30’s".  Of course, in the gay world, I’m reaching the daddy stage.  Another 10 years and I’ll be considered obsolete.  Not that I give a flying fuck mind you.  I get a giggle out of how we perceive age in Western culture.  It’s as if the idea of having shiny new possessions has transferred itself into our collective consciousness regarding self-image.  It doesn’t help we are constantly bombarded by images of the young and beautiful.  Images re-enforced with the message that if you want to be accepted you have to look the part.  As my English counterparts might say, "bollocks to that!"  Age is a state of mind.  You are only as old as you feel.  And frankly, I don’t feel that old.  And never really being someone who "fit in" in the first place, I’m not about to start trying now. 

I was teasing my buddy Urswine Addiction the other day about being an old man. [1]He just turned 30 this past week.  It suddenly hit me that my own birthday is fast approaching.  I look back on the span of years that is my life and it doesn’t really feel like 37 years have passed.  I’m sure focusing so many years on just surviving has something to do with it.  That said, I think there is more to it.  I don’t feel 37.  Hell, I barely feel 30.  Maybe it is because my life is still in a bit of flux.  I’m still looking at changing gears career wise.  And lord knows, I’ve struggling emotionally in the last 7 years.  Do these things play their part in my feelings of "not old"?  I do wonder.  I mean most guys my age are settled by now.  I’m left to wonder if my late start in life has helped me hold onto my feelings of youthfulness. [2]I thought it was a made up word.  However, according to Google, someone beat me to it already.  Damn!  There goes my idea to get rich quick.

In the end, I guess I really don’t care what it is that makes me feel so young.  I like it and that is enough.  So I’m not young, buff, and hung, anymore.  Big deal.  My life has only improved as I age.  Sure, there have been setbacks.  Plenty to speak of actually.  But isn’t that the point?  Shouldn’t we care more about a life lived than a life perfect?  So,I have a few less hairs on top, a few more hairs elsewhere, and a handful of wrinkles sprinkled in for flavor.  As the ever fabulous Miss Coco Peru once said, ‘I earned it bitches!’

Of course, don’t mind me.  I’m just a doddering old fool spouting off nonsense in his old age.  Turn the page to something shiny and new.  Ahhhhh!  The bliss of forgetfulness.  teehee

References

References
↑1 He just turned 30 this past week.
↑2 I thought it was a made up word.  However, according to Google, someone beat me to it already.  Damn!  There goes my idea to get rich quick.

Geek. Yeah And?

One of my coworkers was looking over my shoulder a few minutes ago watching me and flipped out.  She couldn’t believe how much I had going and how easy it was to update everything.  I have to admit the line between online and off is quickly blurring with the progression of web2.0. [1]Basically, programs written to access online content without the need for a web browser  Everything is slowly moving that direction.  Ten years from now, you’ll see web access as a requirement vs luxury.  Speaking of geeking out, if you twitter and use Windows, check out Spaz.  Awesome desktop program to access all your tweets.  I fraking love it!  My buddy turnipstyle turned me on to it so kudos to him for the nod. 

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I finally crossed the threshold this week from being almost sick to sick.  I had to leave work early two days ago.  I got 10 hours of sleep both nights and seem to be better today.  I’m in a shitty mood today though.  Not to mention I totally forgot I had to work overtime today.  Shit bricks.   blech

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TFA called regarding some really good news he got this week.  I was very happy to hear it but even happier to hear some of the life return to his voice.  He has been so run down and depressed lately.  Hearing him so upbeat made my sick day bearable. 

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The roomie still hasn’t found a job but has a couple of good leads.  I feel for him as I hate being out of work.  Financially, he is ok for a few more months. 

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I broke down and created a new "listening" page (left side).  Now that I’m buying music again, I figure I might as well share.  I joined last.fm and they offer a nifty plugin to show what I’m listening too.  It doesn’t always work though and it’s limited to my last 7 songs.  Anyone use something better let me know.  I’m a Winamp fan and it needs work with it. 

References

References
↑1 Basically, programs written to access online content without the need for a web browser

Insert Tear Here

moby08

A big thank you to all the kind words and advice from so many of you.  I’m very honored people have followed my constant back and forth’s with TFA so intently. [1]Lord knows, it has been a bit of a roller coaster. 

I’m not really that depressed.  Sure I’m sad.   But, if I think about it, I haven’t really lost him.  We’ve just altered the parameters of our relationship.  I still feel the same way.  In an odd way, I actually feel closer to him.  I’m content to be his friend and confidant.  Who knows what the future holds.  Worst case scenario, I made a very good friend. 

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In completely unrelated news, work was a bore today.  I did manage to log on and order 4 new pair of jeans. [2]Gooster will be so happy.

References

References
↑1 Lord knows, it has been a bit of a roller coaster.
↑2 Gooster will be so happy.

End Of A Chapter

TFA and I had a long talk today. [1]2 1/2 hours to be exact.  I didn’t plan on bringing up my doubts but he could tell something was up with me.  I didn’t have the gall to lie to him so we talked it out.  Basically, I admitted how much I was hurting and my growing doubts.  He listened patiently and with just one sentence summed it all up.  "Moby, it isn’t my desire for you that is the problem, it is my inability to act on it."  There it was in one little sentence.  The whole of our problem.  I cried a little but it was good to face it. 

So as of today, TFA and I are back to being just friends.  Good friends and the possibility for more still exists just not now.  He needs to focus on bigger issues in his life right now.  I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be.  I guess deep down, I knew it was coming.  I was just fighting it. 

The rest of the conversation was the same as always.  We laughed, we flirted, we talked dirty, then we laughed some more.  In a way, I feel like we are closer than before.  Odd I know but that’s how I feel. 

References

References
↑1 2 1/2 hours to be exact.

Sanity Or Sandbags

I didn’t mean to imply I was cutting ties w/TFA or even ending it completely in my last rant.  I was sort of brainstorming and kicking stuff around.  I haven’t made any real decisions yet but I have gained some perspective.  Many of you offered wonderful heartfelt advice and I greatly appreciate that.  I sincerely listened to each and every one of you.  I’m not doubting his feelings but his ability to have a healthy relationship, right now.  

Being an Aquarian, I tend to wanna fix things and I always seem to end up in situations where I’m expecting myself to resolve other people’s problems.  I’m realizing I can’t.  Some things just have to resolve themselves. 

My last rant had more to do with me realizing things are not hunky-dory between TFA and I.  I need to consider the possibility that our timing sucks.  I’m also beginning to wonder if my involvement is holding him back. [1]Lets face it, I can come on pretty strong.  I know color you surprised right?  I wish I could say more but that would mean disrespecting his wishes and I can’t do that.  I think if I did it would make more sense though.  I’m just wondering if my distraction adds to his stress load sometimes.  That would severely upset me if it did. 

Irony, TFA called right after I finished my rant. [2]No, he doesn’t read my blog  After our conversation, I didn’t feel the pang of loneliness that usually comes with knowing I won’t seem him for awhile.  I’m not really sure what that means just yet.  It could mean I’m pulling away from him.  It could also mean, I’m worn out at the moment. 

In the end, I’ll always be his friend and no matter how it turns out, he’ll remain in my heart.   That is enough for me right now. 

References

References
↑1 Lets face it, I can come on pretty strong.  I know color you surprised right?
↑2 No, he doesn’t read my blog

Confuscious say… III

Every time I think I have my head screwed on right something seems to come along and knock it all a kilter again.  Can’t a bitch get a break?

I ran into a play buddy (I’ll call him the Latin) over the weekend and not having anything planned, we decided to hang out. [1]I don’t really celebrate NYE as a holiday. Pointless in my view of things.  Things are going smoothly when he suddenly reveals he has feelings for me.  The irony here is I sorta had the hots for him when we first met.  He didn’t really seem interested so I was content to just play around.  Anyway, not long after TFA came into the picture so it was easy to ignore my initial desire and just go with it.

For the record, the Latin has known about TFA from the beginning so I’m not feeling dishonest, that isn’t it at all.  However, I have been spending free time with him on a regular basis.  I do have some guilt over that.  After this weekend, it has dawned on me I might be using the Latin as a substitute for the things I’m not currently getting from TFA. [2]Seeing any patterns here?  The same scenario w/TFA and his ex?  I’ve already mentioned I’ve been having doubts about TFA lately.  Truth be told it has been tearing me apart.  Not my feelings so much as the situation.  It is clear we have a great connection together.  Therein lies the problem and the part that upsets me the most.  The connection makes for a good start but that isn’t enough.    And potential doesn’t a relationship make.  No matter how much potential we have, if we can’t spend time together working on it, what is the point?  TFA has so much on his plate right now he can’t really focus on me.   I certainly don’t mind being supportive however, I’m realizing my needs are being completely eclipsed by his.  Being around the Latin this past weekend brought that clearly into focus. [3]I’m not referring to the carnal ones.  No problem there.   That isn’t really fair to me or him. 

No, I’m not looking to trade TFA for the Latin.  Give me some credit.  But he has made me realize things w/TFA aren’t working out.  For that I am grateful even if it does hurt like hell.  My feelings haven’t changed obviously but if I truly care about TFA, then he needs me as friend right now more than anything else. 

So once again, I find my love-life in the shitter.  Am I surprised? Hell no.  I’m beginning to wonder if it is par for the course. lol  Yes, I’m trying to make lite of it.  If I don’t, I might burst into tears. 

References

References
↑1 I don’t really celebrate NYE as a holiday. Pointless in my view of things.
↑2 Seeing any patterns here?  The same scenario w/TFA and his ex?
↑3 I’m not referring to the carnal ones.  No problem there.