Miss

It’s nights like tonight I really miss my Spike. Its warm, the moon is full and it would have been a perfect night to go for a nice walk. I don’t think I ever realized what a wonderful and much needed companion he was. He couldn’t go far but he could go and was always happy to do it.

After a long day like today (and yesterday) he was always a welcome soul when I got home. He didn’t care how my day went, he was just happy to see me. Often times I’d come home and see him waddling around excited and begging for attention, a treat, or to go out and I would forget the troubles of my day.

Shane and I have discussed the idea of getting a new dog down the road but I’m still not on board with it. I don’t want another dog, I want Spike. I know I can’t have him because he is gone now but even almost 2 months later I find moments where I tear up thinking of him. I’m still not ready to contemplate getting another animal.

We’ve discussed the idea of getting a Frenchie (French Bulldog) because they’re a bit smaller and it would be more ideal for the apt. I realize its a better idea than another English Bullie but I’m still not sure. I didn’t mind taking care of him or cleaning up his messes from time to time. And while the apt was a tad small for Spike, he never really minded. He got plenty of walks and outings to ever feel cramped or cooped up.

I know I’m not betraying his memory by getting another dog but I do feel that way. Spike was unique and original and I couldn’t think of “replacing” him. While I am a little more open to the idea of another animal, I’m still not ready.

Amazon

Well, I’ve gone and done it! My blog is now officially available thru Amazon.com for download to your Kindle device of choice. For the amazingly bargain basement price of $0.99 per month you can now get my madness automatically downloaded every time I post an update. Yes you read it right, per month. [1]It is only available on actual Kindle devices vs. the Kindle reader app than can be installed on many mobile OS’s.

First, I didn’t choose the price, Amazon did. While you can still (and will always) get my blog perfectly free on the web, you can now fork over a measly dollar a month for the convenience of having it updated automatically for you if you wish.

Second, this was not about money but exposure. For such a small fee I’m clearly not looking for profit. It is my hope to increase my user base. I’ve only been back at it steadily a short time now, yet I’ve already had several people reach out to me and tell me how much my blog has meant to them. It’s been a humbling experience to say the least.

Depending on how well it goes, I may at some point decide to disable my internal subscription service. It’s become very laborious to manage and keep up with. For now, nothing has changed. My RSS feed is still available directly from my blog for free. The Kindle route is about convenience and hopefully, more exposure.

Last but not least, my content will still be my normal ramblings, opinions, ideas, pet-peeves, etc. From what I’ve seen, nothing I post or write about comes anywhere close to violating any of Amazon’s TOS. I don’t foresee any need to censor myself. If it does, it is easy to manipulate what enters my RSS feed. [2]Amazon loads my blog via the RSS feed.  I am not sure how pictures translate to Kindle devices so I will still need to work that out.

As for content, from what I’ve seen on some of the listings so far, most of my content is perfectly acceptable. The only real difference you might notice is reposting content from my old blog. Since my old blog isn’t tied to the new one, I may from time to time repost some of my older more significant posts.

That’s it. A big welcome to any new readers and a big thank you to anyone else subscribing thru!

References

References
↑1 It is only available on actual Kindle devices vs. the Kindle reader app than can be installed on many mobile OS’s.
↑2 Amazon loads my blog via the RSS feed.

Strolling

It’s funny how memories can stimulate emotion even after decades. My last post about my childhood was a departure from my normal ramblings in that it was a very specific memory. The detail and clarity were peculiar enough but that’s not all of it. I’ll have one and then hours/days later something else will randomly spark and play out in my head, some good, some bad, some just random and unexpected. All of them surfacing in detail and then moving over for the next one. On a side note, it is a testament to human endurance that painful (even traumatic memories) tend to dull over time while good ones seem to remain bright and warm. Anyway, I don’t usually think back much on my childhood. While there were some really bright spots, most of it was one painful episode after another and better forgotten in my opinion. Honestly, I think I’ve even subconsciously blocked a lot of it out. [1]There are large chunks in several places that just seem to be missing. Even here on my blog I usually talk about my past in general terms as I’m often more concerned with the present.

The memories I do remember have been coming thick and fast over the last couple weeks. It’s been an odd sensation, even disconcerting at times, to have so many of them floating up from out of nowhere. Some from as far back as I can remember and others spread out in a kaleidoscope of random scenes. They never seem to be in any order. And while the stroll down memory lane has certainly been interesting, I’m more concerned with the why. What is it that has happened (or hasn’t) that I’m reliving my past? What kick-started all this into motion? Is it my age and the brain just doing its thing by purging or reinforcing memories? It’s certainly possible but I’m not buying it. I’m sitting here banging away on the keyboard and that idea just doesn’t fit. Is it just a random sense of nostalgia or is there more to it? Is my id trying to tell (or show) me something I’m missing or am I just going coo coo for coco puffs?!  lol  Either way, something is most definitely up.

This is another perfect moment when I get really frustrated with my lack of vocabulary. Yes, I speak purdy but there are times when simple words just don’t do the thought(s) justice. That being said, I’m doing my best to articulate as best I can… Thru it all I’ve had the weirdest sense that a part of me has returned, almost as if it had gone missing. I don’t have the faintest clue at the moment what that part is. [2]I just love little epiphanies, don’t you? lol This is why I continue to blog. I just feel more like myself than I have in awhile. Yes, that’s it exactly! I feel more like myself. But as opposed to what? What part of me has resurfaced or returned? I didn’t know anything went missing, so to have it return is equally confusing. At this moment I can’t pin it down to save my life but now that I’ve said it to myself, it seem right.

I’m sure over time it will come into more focus for me. Yes, you can rest assured I’ll beat it like a dead horse here once it does.  Regardless of what it is, I’m glad. And as I’m so very fond of saying… hope springs eternal.

🙂

References

References
↑1 There are large chunks in several places that just seem to be missing.
↑2 I just love little epiphanies, don’t you? lol This is why I continue to blog.

You Gonna Eat That? II

My last post got gobbled up somehow so I’m writing it again.

I had a flashback to my childhood the other day. It was kind of odd because it was a memory from when I was very young. God it seems like a lifetime ago and thinking of it now seems almost surreal. Anyway…

Picture it. It’s the 1970’s. Yours truly is about 3-4 years old. There’s me, my foster mom/dad and my 2nd oldest brother at the time. Mom was sewing and making clothes, my brother was in school, my dad was at work, and I was left to my own devices. We had a yard at the time that covered about an acres of land with a few trees on it. One tree in particular was my favorite. It wasn’t very big but had an odd limb that grew out not too terribly far from the ground. I couldn’t reach it on my own but if I stacked a 5-gallon bucket and a 50-gallon drum next to each other I cold easily climb up on the limb and hang out.

It was one of my favorite little spots to pass the time. If I was outside, I had to avoid the geese because they were mean and would jump on me, knock me down, and beat me with their wings. I was a tiny little fucker at the time so must have seemed like easy prey to them. Anyway, here I am one day chomping on a PB&J sammich and sitting in ‘my’ tree having a good ole time. I’d heard my dad come home but didn’t think much of it. I’d see him in a bit.

Everything was hunky-dory until I heard my dad yelling at me. I was startled so didn’t quite process what he was saying. I look over a bit confused and see him (along with my mom in tow) running over toward me continually yelling. This served to scare me more as my dad never ran. They are both clearly in distress and my dad jumps up on the 5-gallon bucket and yanks me down. Not understanding what is happening, I’m full on bawling at this point. I’m thinking I’ve somehow managed to do something and get in trouble. Meanwhile, I’m still chomping away at my PB&J sammich. [1]Even then I had a love for food!

I guess they realized they were making my hysterical so my mom starts trying to calm me down. It turns out my dad discovered a nest of yellow-jackets had built a nest right in the crook of the limb where it met the tree. He hadn’t a chance to take care of it I guess. Anyway, my dad seeing me up in the tree freaked out, afraid I was gonna stung. Unbeknownst to me the wasps were loving my sammich and flying all about. One had apparently landed right on my delicious sandwich right as I took a bite. Yup, you guessed it, I ate it! lol It never stung me, or if it did, I didn’t feel it.

My dad later sprayed them with WD-40, which promptly killed’em. An hour or two goes by and I’m right back up in my tree. This time minus the sandwich, watching the world go by. hehehe

I’m not sure why I suddenly remember this but I thought it funny enough to share. Aren’t memories funny sometimes? 

References

References
↑1 Even then I had a love for food!

Casualty

Apparently, my last blog post was a casualty of my learning curve on the mac. I’ve been experimenting with different blogging software on the mac as there doesn’t seem to be a really stand out winner. I’m kinda surprised because I thought for sure there would be a good one.

I use Windows Live Writer on the PC and it turns out, its one of the best out there. And its free. None of the free mac software even comes close. I’m tinkering w/one now called Ecto and it seem something happened between my saving it to the laptop and it getting posted online.

Anyway, I re-write the last post when I get time. It was a child hood memory that sort of hit me out the blue the other day and I thought I’d share. lol

Work In

I don’t get people sometimes. So I’m at the gym one day last week working out, doing my thing. The gym is a tad busier than normal but not overly so. I’m working my arms and I see this guy doing the triceps dip machine. I walk up and very politely ask if I can work in with him. He snaps, ‘sure‘ and proceeds to storm away in a huff.

I was actually surprised because 1) I was very polite and 2) my tone and demeanor was clearly indicative of my willingness to be denied. While it is the policy of the gym that members should share equipment, I know how it is to be in your zone, time schedule, routine, etc and I don’t get offended if someone isn’t willing to share. Of course, if I’d been working a free-weight bench with a big weight difference, I wouldn’t be as willing. Trying to swap off/on weights is a major pain. And while I don’t like people that hog benches because they are too busy gossiping/yakking with friends or bouncing between machines, this machine is as simple as flipping a switch to change the weight. Seriously, its that damn easy.

Of course, I laughed it off and finished my set. Hell, he made it easier for me as I no longer had to wait on him. He came back down about 15 minutes later glaring to see if anyone was on the bench. I’d already started my next set but was tempted to go over and tell him, ‘next time instead of throwing a tantrum like a 12-yr old girl just have the balls to say no.‘ I thought better of it though. He probably would have had an even bigger hissy fit and frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with the drama.

So here is a little advice for those of you who do hit the gym on a regular basis. Be willing to share equipment or have enough of a spine to say no if you don’t. Barring the above mentioned caveats, don’t storm off in a huff because you’re a passive-aggressive pussy pansy dumb-ass wimp.

GHHD #3

GHHD #3 is almost upon us again. [1]Gay High Holy Day aka Foslom St Fair  This weekend marks the 3rd largest gay event of the year in SF. Halloween used to rank in at #4 but because of mayhem caused by outside hoodlums and low-lifes, the city put the kabasch on it.
The gym has been a flutter all week with guys trying to buff up before the weekend. lol I hate to break it to ya but it’s gonna take more than a week fellas. hehehe
Anyway, I’ll probably go to the fair but am not attending any of the big parties this year. Money is tight for one, and two I’m just not that motivated. Actually, I think I’m a little burned out. I’ve done the St Fairs every year since moving here (minus 1 or 2 exceptions) and I think I can miss one or two. 🙂

If you’re coming to the big event, be naughty, be safe, and say hi if you see me roaming around.

References

References
↑1 Gay High Holy Day aka Foslom St Fair

You Again?

It seems the blogging bug has bitten me again. I go in phases so it’s not surprising that I’m back at it. I am a bit surprised at the number of hits I still get considering my lack of blogging lately. I’m by no means a heavy hitter in the blogosphere but I seem to have a strong contingent of faithful readers. (Of which, I’m glad you stick with me or have stuck with me all this years.)

My free time is still limited these days so finding time to sit down and hammer out my thoughts is not as easy as it used to be. Of course as always, twitter, Facebook, and now Google Plus eats up a lot of my spur of the moment thoughts/comments. [1]I’m finding I spend less and less time on FB/Twitter.

I’ve been considering writing a book and self-publishing thru Amazon or the likes. Lawd only knows where I’d find the free time to do that. I can barely keep up with my blog. That said I’m sure there is lots I can go back over and boost myself along. I’m still undecided if I will but it’s an idea. Not to mention, I’m still working on ideas for my next tattoo. Apple guy (Shane) got a new tattoo in honor of Spike’s passing a couple weeks ago and it definitely spurred my interest again.

So here’s hoping the bug sticks with me for awhile.

References

References
↑1 I’m finding I spend less and less time on FB/Twitter.

Year 8

I’m coming to the end of year 7 in my blogging. Whoda thunk I’d stay with it so long? As mentioned previously, the blogging has been a big help over the years. I’ve been reading over some of my old posts here and there and I can definitely see a change. In the beginning I blogged in an effort to sort out things in my head. Surprisingly, even some things I didn’t even know I had in my head got sorted out. Lol Anyway, I still do to an extent but I’ve noticed most days now I tend to already have things sorted and I’m just documenting.

Looking back over 2011, I’ve certainly had some ups/downs. Recovering from the motorcycle accident, my big 40th birthday [1]significant to me in a very personal but good way, the break up with Apple guy, all kinds of financial drama, and most recently the passing of our beloved Spike. Not to mention, I had a really bad bout of depression that stayed with me for months. I’m coming out of it and things are slowly moving in a more positive direction. Let’s hope it continues to do so. I did blog about a lot of it but I chose to keep it private this time around.

I’ve asked myself several times why I chose to keep things private. Some of it was out of respect for others that it obviously impacted. But I think mainly because in the past I needed reassurance and validation for my choices and now its more of me just chronicling my life. While it shows my inner growth as a person it also showed me I still have some growing to do. I’ve also had some really good friends along the way. I’ve maintained a strong inner-circle of friends, new an old. Its been very gratifying to feel the love and support of those who care about me. 🙂

I did have some dark moments [2]as in raw and painful, not anything crazy like suicidal thoughts but I came out of them better for it. When I started this little adventure, my self-awareness wasn’t anywhere close to where it is now. And while I think I still have things to learn, I’m proud of the man I’ve become. I’ve made mistakes, one in particular that I’m still learning from. But I am learning and moving forward. That to me is the most important thing.

So here’s to year 8 beginning in just another month. Stay tuned and wish me luck along the way. As always, hope springs eternal!


References

References
↑1 significant to me in a very personal but good way
↑2 as in raw and painful, not anything crazy like suicidal thoughts