Trip

I’m back from Houston. I went down for a long weekend to help my friend Trevan. He had to go in for a minor back surgery and needed some help getting up and around for a few days.

I ended up flying Southwest this time around. Of course, I’d forgotten I was flying out of Oakland instead of SFO until the morning of. I always seem to forget that when taking BART to Oakland, you have to get off and take a shuttle for the last 3 miles. It sounds simple but often this little detour adds 20-30 mins to your commute. Having to leave a bit early, naturally I didn’t allow for said additional delay and ended up being rushed the whole damn way!

As luck would have it, things went exceptionally smooth. Even though MUNI had experienced an earlier backup, they were clearing as I got to the station. Getting onto BART was equally smooth. The hiccup came when I got to the airport stop and had forgotten the shuttle. Not to mention the shuttle doesn’t take my clipper card. [1]Mass transit card that works on several different trains in the bay area. By the time I got to the the airport it was 30 minutes to my flight departure. That means my flight was boarding. I only had one bag to check and already had my boarding pass so only had to get the bag sorted and get thru security. Everyone was so nice when I asked if I could move thru the line. Not one person was contrary or rude when I asked if I could move in front of them in line so I wouldn’t miss my flight.

I ran the concourse to get there just as the B group was starting to board. I even managed to snag an aisle seat! The flight was pretty full but entertaining because an amateur baseball league was headed to College Station to compete and there was no shortage of hotties! One ended up sitting right next to me. heehee Straight as all hell but we cut up an laughed the whole way to Houston. [2]The several cocktails didn’t hurt.

The visit went fine. Trevan had come home earlier that morning from the hospital and was resting comfortably. It was good to see him. We couldn’t run around like we normally do obviously. I hadn’t really planned on anything exciting anyway. Sunday before I left, Trevan was getting a little stir-crazy so we had lunch out and met up with my buddy Darrel. By the time it came for me to leave, he was getting up/down by himself and doing much more stuff solo. He still has to wear the brace for 30 full days but I left not worrying about him.

I did get one welcome surprise though. TFA had a lay-over in Houston so I got to see him too! I haven’t seen him a couple years now and it was awesome to see him and catch up a bit, albeit briefly.

Coming home was a tad exciting. One, I didn’t realize I was flying home on 9.11. That had me nervous because I never underestimate the power of stupidity in the group setting. I got to the airport way earlier just in case. It was actually kinda slow. Everything went smoothly until someone set off the fire alarm. I’d just sat down and plugged in my computer when it went off. At first people were bewildered on what to do. When the automated voice said, “begin exiting the concourse“, everyone started moving. Luckily, our gate agent had the wherewithal to think it over and told us to wait. Then came the battling announcements from the airport proper on what we should do. One minute a male voice is telling us not to worry its a false alarm and the next minute a female voice is telling us to exit the concourse. Once again, our gate agent told us to sit tight. After about 10 minutes, it was determined to be a false alarm. This was after quite a few people from other gates had made a mass-exodus back to the front of the terminal oooh-weeee! They were pissed! They all had to go back thru security. There were quite a few gate announcements for people being called by name. I’d have totally been pissed myself.

On the flight, I got an exit row so had room to stretch. Oddly enough, I ended up next to the acting Chief of the Oakland Fire Dept. lolol She was very nice and gave me two free coupons for cocktails. šŸ™‚ The rest of the flight was pretty smooth. There was one point where we were flying over a thunderstorm. I don’t think I’ve actually ever done that. Watching the lightening from above was kinda cool.

Anyway, I’m glad to be home. I missed my beloved SF. If you want, you can check out a few random pics from my Google Plus feed.

References

References
↑1 Mass transit card that works on several different trains in the bay area.
↑2 The several cocktails didn’t hurt.

E-what?

It’s no secret that I’m a big proponent of the digital age. Itā€™s been great to see the push to convert traditional printed media to e-formats; be it music, video, books, magazines, etc. In an ideal world this would mean people are getting more access to content they own with a minimal of fuss and a lot less waste of natural resources.

Sadly the reality is somewhat different. The ridiculous and often extremely out-dated copyright laws in this country are strangling the growth of the digital convergence. Not to mention even more ridiculous restrictions by content authors. And if not updated soon, it promises to make things even worse. There are 3 different bills regarding copyright and “fair use” circulating thru congress as we speak. [1]I read up a lot on TechDirt. I highly recommend you follow them if you like reading about such stuff. None of which does anything to improve access to the consumer. I blame the whole Napster/RIAA drama for jumpstarting an atmosphere of litigation based on irrational fears, ignorance, and flat out lies. Every independent study I’ve ever read shows pirated content makes up a fraction of the total online availability of econtent. Granted, theft is theft regardless of the format. That being said, the approach here is draconian and ineffective. For every illegal site taken down, 10 more pop up.

You’ll always have a few folks who want to beat/cheat the system. That won’t go away so trying to legislate them out of existence is an exercise in futility. Most people on the other hand will do the honest/right thing when given the option a convenient, cheap, and effective distribution model. Case and point, I can view an e-subscription of the SF Chronicle on an actual Kindle device but I can’t view the same subscription on an iPad, iPod, or Android device running the very same Kindle software. [2]Don’t get me wrong, I’m not picking on Amazon as this isn’t their doing. Now how exactly does that solve anything? I’ll tell you what it solves; it means I won’t be buying an esubscription (or any other) to the Chronicle. Instead, I’ll continue to scour the web for my news/info from free sites. Yes, itā€™s a bit harder but I want to consume content when itā€™s convenient to me. A prime example of control vs. use gone wrong. Considering printed newspapers are already dying a slow death, it borders on sheer stupidity to limit your user base. While I can get the same content for free elsewhere, I am perfectly willing to fork over a small monthly fee for
congregated content related to my interests.

Another example. Two of my favorite scifi/horror authors have several eBooks online for sale [3]at the same price as a paperback which is ridiculous in itself but whatever. yet once again you can only get it on this device or that. Even worse, several books in a series are available but 1 or 2 in the series aren’t. Once again, does it mean I’ll run out and buy the missing book in traditional paper? NO! It means I will pass on the entire series until I can get all of them in the format of my
choosing.

I am hopeful that companies and authors will wise up and realize they are cutting their own financial throats. The music industry was dragged kicking and screaming into the digital age and for all their fear-mongering and lies; they are still making money hand over fist. The RIAA even admitted a while back that yes, pirated content is only a fraction of global sales and distribution. tsk, tsk! Why other industries haven’t learned from them is beyond me. Actually, that’s not true, I know why. Greed. They are holding onto dying, yet originally more profitable, distribution models. [4]And don’t even get me started on the things people/companies actually try to
copyright now. As they watch traditional distribution (and consumption) of content dry up, they become ever more restrictive of the content itself. They seem to overlook the fact that while newer digital distribution models demand less per person, they reach a much much larger audience (and cost a whole lot less to produce). This more than makes up for any loss. One would think itā€™s a no-brainer but sadly not.

References

References
↑1 I read up a lot on TechDirt. I highly recommend you follow them if you like reading about such stuff.
↑2 Don’t get me wrong, I’m not picking on Amazon as this isn’t their doing.
↑3 at the same price as a paperback which is ridiculous in itself but whatever.
↑4 And don’t even get me started on the things people/companies actually try to
copyright now.

That Way

Apparently, the gay blogosphere has erupted in another faux scandal because some ‘actor’, Logan McCree, just came out as bi instead of full on gay. My first thought is ‘why is this news?’ Then I think on how much money the porn industry makes. lolol

I didn’t know who he was so did a quick google search. [1]with the safety filter turned off Let me just say, if he is bi, mercy-me he must be one-fine actor! The few clips I saw showed someone who was definitely into his work. lol Whether he is really bi or not is a pointless argument IMHO. Kinsey pretty much proved sexuality runs the gambit from polar straight on one end to polar gay on the other. Why must we (on both sides of the fence) continually try to label everyone as one or the other.

Looking beyond that we get to the why of it. In one camp, you have the folks who insist he is lying for some ulterior reason. We’ll probably never know for sure because the only person who’ll ever know is Logan. That said, the only reason I could really see for lying would be the whole “gay for pay” idea that keeps getting rammed down our throats these days. It seems like he is getting plenty (of work) so not too sure there. But as nauseating as it sounds, maybe he thinks he’ll be able to demand more money. A sad testament if that’s his reason. [2]I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Then you have the whole “I can’t believe it, I feel so betrayed.” folks. Let me get this straight, you feel betrayed because the image you built up in your mind of said person has been shattered? An image created of someone you only see in completely contrived scenarios? Really? My response is get over it. The reality is almost never the same as the image. Living in SF, I can tell you from experience they are almost never like the ‘purdy moving pictures.’ And referring back to the whole gay for pay crap, maybe its so prevalent in the industry now he didn’t see the harm in admitting his big secret? Are you seriously going to stop watching him now because he likes a little V with his P&A?

Frankly, I could care less as long as he isn’t running around being hypocritical or hurting others. Being as I don’t know the nitty gritty, I’ll save my moral indignation for more important subjects. In the end, I’ve always been a big proponent of honesty. If he is coming clean, so to speak, good for him. If not, then it will catch up to him sooner or later.

References

References
↑1 with the safety filter turned off
↑2 I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Better

I had originally planned to post this last week but considering things, it didn’t happen. I’m not quite back to my svelte self from about a year ago but I’m getting there. lol As much as I hate cardio, I’ve been trying to add it to my workout routine on a consistent basis. Not to mention, I’ve been hitting the gym pretty regular as well. It took me a while to recover from the last motorcycle accident. The bone healed up nicely but the rotator and surrounding soft tissues took months to completely heal up. It drove me nuts because I hated not being able to push myself during my workouts.

While I’m over the 200 lb mark, some of that being body-fat doesn’t count. lol I’d like to lean up by another 10-15lbs. I’m still hoping to put a couple inches on my chest, arms, and legs. Once I do that, I’ll have reached my life goal and just focus on maintaining.

Wish me luck!


Echos

Ever notice how you get used to certain routines, habits, and daily rituals? Well, maybe you don’t notice until the ritual gets interrupted for whatever reason.

Its been rough since Spike’s been gone. It seems everything I do at home reminds me of him. When I wake up in the morning, he isn’t at the bedroom door waiting patiently for me to get up. Anytime I’m in the kitchen I notice he isn’t siting just outside the kitchen door looking/hoping for a treat. When I come home on the motorcycle, he isn’t at the front door waiting, having heard me come home. When I sit on the sofa, he isn’t sitting next to me with his head on my leg/knees.

Several times this weekend. I found myself looking for his water bowl or getting him a snack only to remember he isn’t here anymore. This brought on several teary-eyed moments when the realization would suddenly hit me. I’ve been completely out of sorts since the sad day last week. Focusing on anything for more than few minutes has been pointless.

Shane and I both are going out of town soon. [1]him today, by the time you read this and me on the 8th thru the 11th I’m headed to TX to help my friend Trevan. He is having a small back surgery and will need me to help do for him. Considering he has done the same for me on at least one occasion, its the least I can do. lol Anyway, I’ll be gone for about 4 days. Shane will be gone for 5-7.

In a way, I’m glad Spike passed before we left. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being in pain or suffering and us not being here. Even worse, if he’d deteriorated and had to be put down while we were gone, I don’t think I’d ever have forgiven myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wish he was still with us but I’m thinking things might have worked our for the best, considering the situation.

Anyway, here’s hoping this week goes better.

References

References
↑1 him today, by the time you read this and me on the 8th thru the 11th

Spike

Yesterday was the day weā€™ve been dreading for weeks. Spike reached a point where he was no longer able to have any quality of life and we had to put him to sleep. To say thatĀ  Iā€™m (we) heartbroken is an understatement. I knew it was coming and I tried to prepare myself for it but when it came right down to it, it didnā€™t help one bit. I loved that dog more than an other pet Iā€™ve ever had and it broke my heart to see him go. But it wasnā€™t about me, it was about him. He was suffering and I couldnā€™t bear the thought of that no matter how much I wanted him to stay with me.

The irony is weā€™d gotten is hacking cough under control. This was the original symptom that pushed us to have him checked out by a vet. The meds completely suppressed it from day one. Sadly, he developed some secondary problems, including problems with his legs/hips. We werenā€™t really sure what the problem was but the vet seemed to think heā€™d developed secondary tumors on the nerve sheaths around his joints. Heā€™s been limping for weeks but it came and went and he still had drive to get up and down. Most days, he seemed ok and we were trying different med combinations to try and combat any discomfort he might be feeling.

The morning before yesterday he seemed a little better. He even tried [1]and quickly discarded the idea to run a little bit after a bird that was clearly in need of being chased. He seemed energetic and excited and I thought maybe weā€™d finally found a good med combo to keep him comfy. By the night, heā€™d developed a more pronounced limp and started yelping anytime he tried to get up and down. He deteriorated rapidly from there in just a span of 12 hours. By the time yesterday morning rolled around, he could barely move his head w/o yelping in pain.

It was obvious to us a both it was his time. Weā€™d thought to get him thru to the weekend but seeing him deteriorate so quickly, we knew we had to act right away. We spent the night up/down with him. Heā€™d get settled and then try to move around and re-settle, as dogs tend to do. This would set off a new round of yelping. It was an ear-piercing yelp and you knew he was in a lotĀ  of pain. None of the meds were having any effect, even at double and triple the dosage.

As soon as the SPCA opened at 8:00am, we took him in. Shane sat in the back seat and held him all the way there to keep him as still as possible. By this point, he was in so much pain and our only focus was relieving it. We quickly got a private room and said our good-byes. The original vet that treated him interrupted her visit with another patient to come in and oversee his treatment. We were both right there with him as he took his last breath. We sat with him till the vet had confirmed his heart had stopped and it was over. Needless to say, we were both a mess.

Donā€™t mourn for him though. Spike had a wonderful and long life, courtesy of Shane (and myself toward the end). He was loved and he knew it. Shane rescued Spike when he was just a puppy and has had him ever since. Theyā€™ve been thru a lot together and I know he is taking it very hard. Spikeā€™s only been in my life just under 2 years and Iā€™m a blubbering mess. I know it must be that much harder for Shane. Anyway, Spike missed his 9th birthday by two short months.

For my part, Spike was a blazing bright spot in my life that has gone out. To say I loved him would be an understatement. He was such a daily part of my life and I miss him every moment of the day. Iā€™ve already had several incidents where Iā€™d momentarily forget he wasnā€™t here and go to feed him, walk him, get him treats, etc. The apt feels so empty w/o him now. But heā€™s better off now. I hold onto the memories of him and how he enriched my life. Iā€™m not sure animals go to heaven but if they do, I can just picture him right now with his head on someoneā€™s lap begging for a treat with that sad but paradoxically excited look of his. That or presenting himself for a belly rub to any and everyone who walks by. šŸ™‚ He loved his belly rubs and would promptly present himself and assume the position on his back and/or side for expected rubs. I donā€™t know about you but that makes me smile.

References

References
↑1 and quickly discarded the idea

To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. [1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.

References

References
↑1 and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks.

Doggie Update

Thanks to everyone who wrote in about Spike and sent good wishes. As mentioned, heā€™s home and we are trying to keep him comfy. Overall, heā€™s doing ok.  Iā€™m cautiously optimistic. This last week has been emotionally rough on both Apple guy and myself. Him more so than me Iā€™m sure. Spikeā€™s been in his life a lot longer and theyā€™ve been thru a lot together.

Our biggest concern was Spikeā€™s hacking cough. The Opiate based pain pills the Veterinarian prescribed seemed to be suppressing it so far. We have him on low doses at the moment and Iā€™ve only heard him cough a couple times. Keep your fingers crossed that we can go for awhile before having to up his dosage. The longer we can go before upping his doses, the longer heā€™ll be with us.

Unfortunately, heā€™s still limping quite a bit as his joints are bothering him. We were hesitant to start him on the prescribed steroid pills because of side-affects. The specialist that initially examined him called me on Wednesday with some additional test results. After a lengthy conversation, she assured me we could start him onā€™em and theyā€™d help. We went with a very low dose and he seems to be responding so far. While he still limps, his energy level has come back quite a bit. He even got a little excited and tried to run the other day. He didnā€™t go far but it was just so wonderful to see him feeling a bit like his old self. His eating has come back too. This one really had me worried. He loves to eat [1]who doesnā€™t, right? lol and wasnā€™t eating much before his vet visit.

I think he suffered a bit of separation anxiety after the vet visit. For the first couple days, he was very clingy even on his walks. Normally, when we go out, he walks around and does his thing, sniffing, marking, etc. For the first few days after his visit, heā€™d just pee and then follow right behind me until we were done. On the other side of the coin, he definitely knows somethingā€™s up. Heā€™s been getting extra attention and allowed to break several of his old rules. lol  He knows how to work it too. Of course, seeing him like that just makes me smile more because it means heā€™s feeling better.

Thanks again for everyone checking in on him. At the current level of meds, his still very alert and active. Weā€™re happy heā€™s doing well. Keep sending good wishes that he stays that way!

References

References
↑1 who doesnā€™t, right? lol

Bad News

I had a rather optimistic post written but after the news I deleted it. If you havenā€™t been following me on Google Plus, [1]and you should because Iā€™m eventually ditching Facebook and maybe event twitter you know Spikeā€™s been sick lately. I dropped him off at the vet today and the news turned out to be very bad.

His hacking cough turned out to be much worse than we thought. What we thought was an infection turned out to be a mass large enough its already compromised 2/3ā€™s of one lung and part of the other. Basically, he has cancer. The vet seemed a little surprised he was doing as well as he was. The irony is I was afraid he did. I donā€™t know why I thought that, I just did. Even worse, due to his age and the severity of the mass, there is very little to be done. We could pursue very aggressive treatment but even if they did get all the cancerous tissue, heā€™d end up w/very little lung left. So in a nutshell, he has weeks maybe months left to live. Our focus now is to just keep him as comfortable as possible. The vet gave us some pain meds for him which should also help suppress the hacking.

Iā€™d like to thank everyone who texted, emailed, tweeted, posted, etc with well-wishes. He is home and resting at the moment. He is still very groggy from the sedation at the moment and keep wobbling around. It would be comical if I wasnā€™t so upset.

When I dropped him off earlier, he knew something was up. He was so well-behaved but he had such a pining look on his face. When I picked up, I was already fighting back tears. Coming into the treatment area, I saw him before he saw me. He was so distressed and anxious. The moment he saw me, even as doped up as he was, he tried to come to me. He was so sedated he only managed to flop over a couple times and roll out of his cage. God loveā€™em. Even in his haze, he knew me and wanted to get to me. This of course only made me cry more.

We took him to the SPCA veterinary clinic and the did a good job. The doc was so sweet and treated him well. She obviously liked her job. Most of the staff were pretty involved as well. There was one douche who didnā€™t really seem to careā€¦well until I snapped at him for being nonchalant about me going back to see Spike. I would have grabbed him by ā€œhisā€ scruff and given him a good shake. He got the hint and got the hell out of my way.

Iā€™m trying to keep it together. I still have time w/my Spika-doo for a while longer yet and Iā€™m trying to be content with that. Continue to keep him in your thoughts and send him good energies.

References

References
↑1 and you should because Iā€™m eventually ditching Facebook and maybe event twitter

Better

Everyoneā€™s been asking about Spike so Iā€™d thought Iā€™d update everyone at once. He is doing better. A big thank you to everyone who was worried.

Iā€™m still worried about him but he seems more like his old self this week. He developed this weird hacking cough that was getting progressively worse. Bad enough that he was starting to hack up blood. We originally thought he had kennel cough but the antibiotics werenā€™t helping. Luckily, Apple guy has a friend who is a Veterinarian that came by to look at him. He seemed to think it was allergies. We had him on Benadryl for about a week and it did seem to help. If its possible, he was even more sluggish and lazy dosed up on the Benadryl. lol Poor thing, he didnā€™t even want treats (And thatā€™s saying something for Spike cause he LOVES his treats.)) Iā€™ve since switched him over to Claritin. He is still hacking but not quite as much.

Last night was the first night in a few weeks that he ran like he usually does when I took him out. He doesnā€™t run far but we have a game we play where I run ahead of him and heā€™ll run to catch up out of excitement. I got such a tickle out of seeing him run. lol Such a small thing and it made me incredibly happy.

Apple guyā€™s friend is gonna come by again this week and look him one more time. I still think something else is wrong but I could be over-reacting. I sure hope so. For the moment, Iā€™m just glad to see a semblance of his normal self return.