Hate Springs Eternal

I’m fond of saying “hope springs eternal”. It is something I picked up as a kid and it stuck with me. Well, I’m sad to say it seems the same is true of hate. I got my first hate mail in ages today. I think primarily as I’ve been bouncing around news blogs more than usual leaving comments on current events.

Today’s douchebag in ass-hattery was smart enough to use a hotmail account. An account I have since reported to MS as the content violates their fair-use clause. I have no idea what MS will do but whateva.

Said pathetic soul started out with the usual vitriol, you’ll burn in hell, filthy disgusting queer, blah blah blah. To his credit, the punctuation and spelling were pretty good. [1]Of course, anyone w/spell and grammar check can do that with a minimal of effort.  Most of the hate mails of past were always riddled with typos, poor punctuation/spelling, etc. Not to say that haters are stupid, maybe they are just lazy?

Anyway, I enjoy getting hate mail as it signals that I hit a nerve somewhere. To date, I’ve yet to encounter anyone who can back up their hatred with cold hard facts. Oh yeah, the fall back on religion, biology, and tradition. But those are so pathetically frail as to be laughable. Anyone with half a brain can overturn the reasoning on all three counts with just minimal education. So called “christians” really get pissy when you quote their own book at them refudiating [2]I couldn’t help poking phone at Sara Palin’s stupidity. their nonsense.

I find the best way to approach said nut-jobs is to reply to them in calm, matter-of-fact tones, no matter how excited they get. This drives them absolutely fucking nuts! Being unable to rile you sends them into frenzies of anger. heehee It really is quite fun and I highly recommend it.

References

References
↑1 Of course, anyone w/spell and grammar check can do that with a minimal of effort.
↑2 I couldn’t help poking phone at Sara Palin’s stupidity.

Resolute-toot

Did you make any resolutions for 2011 (twenty-eleven) yet? No? Well get busy damn it! lol  Truth be told, I’m a little behind myself.  Actually, I think I’m way behind at this point. Oh well, better late than never.

I’m wondering the average success rate of NY resolutions. My success rate is about 70% over the last 10 years. That’s not bad at all. To be fair some of them weren’t overly ambitious. Partly as I’m a big believer in making gradual changes vs abrupt ones. Most of the gradual changes I make stick with me while the abrupt ones often fall by the wayside.

This year I only have a couple new ones. [1]I still have my annual ones that I sort of reaffirm every year. Working out, eating better, staying fit, blah blah blah.  One, I wanna get back into blogging more. I’ve gotten away from it in the last 6 or so months and I miss it. My schedule plays a big part of it but I should be able to find a little time here and there to blog. I also miss reading personal blogs. While I still follow a dedicated few, I haven’t added any new ones in ages and the bulk of my blog reading is usually news oriented.

Two, I plan to focus on developing the friendships that matter to me in my life. With the passing my buddy Gene recently, it really made me think about things. I offer friendship readily to anyone who shows interest but to build a real lasting friendship takes effort. I need to focus on those who return said energy in kind. Its easy being someone’s friend when it costs or demands nothing.

These are my goals for the year. What are yours?

References

References
↑1 I still have my annual ones that I sort of reaffirm every year. Working out, eating better, staying fit, blah blah blah.

Deleted II

I deleted over 100 user accounts from my blog today. Most were sp*mmers. On the odd chance I deleted a legitimate account in error, you can just re-register. I only block IP’s for known baddies. This is becoming a chore so if things continue on this vein, I’ll have to remove the 3rd-party log-in plugin. I had to adjust the security controls in wordpress for it work properly and now I’m getting a weekly hit of fake accounts.

I’m also taking suggestions/recommendations for a new sp*m blocker plug-in. My beloved SK2 is no longer supported. Its held up for over a year of newer and newer versions of WP with no problems but lately, cracks are showing. The WP code is changing so much I think its time to move on. I have akismet loaded but no running.  I’ve read good reviews but I’d love to find another plug-in as good or better than SK2. Suggestions?

Back At It

I’m happy to announce I can start working out again. Or more specifically, I can start working out my upper body again. The collarbone is mended up and I’m almost good as new. I’ll have to build back up to it of course. Even though the bone is healed, it still needs time to really become solid again.

I’ve gained about 15 lbs of excess blubber since the accident so I need to start working it off. lol I was doing cardio for a while but I hated doing it everyday so stopped altogether. Of course, I continued to eat like I always do.  hehehe  Naturally, I gained some weight. The hubby tends to love late night snacks so I blame him. lolol Not really. I could have just as easily said no.

The check for my bike should be sitting in my mailbox right about now. I had an odd schedule last week and haven’t made it to the post office yet. Once I have check in hand, I’ll start the process for getting a new bike. Wish me luck.

Fault

I rarely weigh in on topical issues but am making an exception after reading a recent post on Conner Habib’s  blog (He is a local porn star & the link is work safe). Conner put out a well said post about the whole Derek Chamers ( aka Derrick Burts, Cameron Reid) scandal. Well said except for the whole ‘teaching’ part. I know we cloak porn under ‘educational purposes’ to help keep it legal but I’ve never met a single person who joined the industry to ‘teach.’ Anyway, if you’re not up on the skinny, its pretty simple. Derek (who is a crossover performer in gay and straight films) tested HIV positive and become the center of a scandal of sorts. The porn industry via AIM [1]Adult Industry Medical // oh look, an actual reference link says he got it from personal activity and Derek says he got it from a work shoot and that AIM is trying to cover it up to protect the industry. Derek has come forward in the national media to call for condom use in straight porn.

First, I don’t know Derek, never met him, and have no idea whether he is a hypocrite or an innocent victim. And that’s not really the point of my post. My rant today has to do with the industry itself and the resulting hypocrisy from so many in the community. I will say I think neither side has the moral high ground. It’s all but impossible to discover where he was really exposed. All the fanfare over trying to assign blame is pointless IMHO and distracts from the bigger issue.

As long as we allow (negative) actors to bareback, we are going to see more of these type of situations. Yes, I get it that the straight porn industry is desperately holding onto the ‘rawness’ that comes from condomless sex. The same is true of gay sex, otherwise barebacking companies/vids would not be so successful. But HIV is not a gay disease. it has no morals or thought processes, it is simply a biological mechanism propagating along its evolutionary path. Treating HIV as a gay issue is a recipe for continued disaster. Allowing actors, gay or straight who are negative, to put themselves at risk for a buck is deplorable. The industry needs to look beyond its greed and do what’s right for its employees. And if they really wanted to save face, they would have reached out to this kid instead of trying to distance itself and assign blame. It is worth noting, AIM, the industry’s go-to folks for testing, was recently shut down by LA health officials for operating w/o a license and their permit to get a license was denied. [2] via aids.about.com /// another real reference link! A fact that does nothing to foster belief in their version of the story. I am in agreement Derek. The straight porn industry should implement more condom use, especially for actors that do crossover work.

The part that really pisses me off is how many in the gay community have lashed out at this guy. Some of the comments are truly heinous. Its ok when these guys (and gals) are humping their brains out but the moment something happens we turn on them? Now who’s the hypocrite? And before anyone goes holier-than-though, let me throw some numbers at you. Porn is a double-digit billion dollar global industry. The US produces 89% of the world’s porn and consumes more than half. 70% of men visit porn sites at least once a month. The states that protest the most about porn are also the highest consumers. Sex is the most searched term on the internet. Oh yeah, and 66% of all porn stars have herpes. [3]stats courtesy of onlinemba.com and Good magazine// omg! 3 real references in 1 post!  Anyone still want to admit the porn industry gives a rat’s ass about its performers? And don’t even get me started on who is gonna cover Derek’s medical expenses. In case you don’t know, porn starts don’t get insurance as part of the “job”.

Regardless of what you think of porn in general, it is clearly here to stay. Sexuality, gay or straight, is fundamental to human existence and clearly sex sells. Scapegoating someone and trying to act like it someone else’s problem is BS. This man’s life is irreparably changed as he is now living with a terminal illness. Granted HIV isn’t the killer in Western culture it used to be but there is still no cure and people are still dying. Shame on anyone who would say or even infer that because he does porn he deserved what he got. How many of our haters use the same excuse against gays in general?  You would think  we as a community would be above such things. I don’t care how he got it, Derek deserves support and compassion right now.

References

References
↑1 Adult Industry Medical // oh look, an actual reference link
↑2 via aids.about.com /// another real reference link!
↑3 stats courtesy of onlinemba.com and Good magazine// omg! 3 real references in 1 post!

Tanks…

Thank you to everyone for the kind words of support from my last post. My birthday is actually in January. I was just tinkering with stuff in my head and out it came. I had no clue when I sat down that all of that would come out. I didn’t even proof read it. (As you can tell by the numerous typos and errors.)

Yeah, it was rough but everyone has their cross to bear, so to speak. I don’t think less of others just because their life has been easier or different. These things happened to me for a reason. My beliefs tell me this was something I needed to learn in this life. Had I not had these problems, there are many many things I would have missed out on. I do wish things had been easier but then I have to ask myself. Would I be the man I am today?

I will say bringing all this up has given me a renewed perspective on my path in life. It reminded me of some things I’d  sort of forgotten, as it were. Good things mind you.

So anyway, thanks again to everyone. I wasn’t fishing for sympathy but all the comments (and emails) were very sweet. It also reminded me of why I continue to blog.

Happy Hanna-Kwana-Xmas everyone!

4-0

I am approaching my 40th birthday. [1]In gay years, that makes me ancient but that’s besides the point. lol  I’m an old man now so forgive me if this post tends to wander or go on and on and on and on…. you get the point.  

Many guys would be disappointed or sad at reaching such a milestone but not me. I’ve survived so much in my short life, its gonna take more than a puny birthday to get me down. To quote Olympia Dukakis, “ when it comes to pain and suffering, I’m right up there with Liz Taylor”. I joke of course but looking back over my life, I am somewhat amazed I made it this far at all.

I’ve only alluded here to some pieces of my life over the years. Other pieces I’ve just plain beat to death. I’ve made mention on several occasions that I was adopted as a child. I was actually born to Wanda Clem and Roy Seymour. My arrival into the world was traumatic and should have been a sign of things to come. You see, my real parents were drug addicts and I was born addicted as well. Two months preemie and weighing not much more than a bread basket, I spent the first 6 months of my life in a hospital. Being born preemie in the early 70’s was a big deal compared to now. Being addicted on top of that, my chances of survival were significantly diminished. But survive I did. In the following 6 months, I was left alone often for hours and possibly days at a time while my parents went out and got high. The fine state of Texas finally intervened and removed me permanently. The day I was removed, the social worker found me in a dresser drawer on the floor with a bottle, a blanket, and a pillow. Apparently, I had diaper rash from neck to toes. As fate would have it, my real mother knew one of my soon-to-be Aunts, and came to her pleading for her to adopt me. Her husband said, ‘Not no, but hell no!’ [2]A blessing in my book. As awful as my childhood was, I wouldn’t wish that fate on a dog.  My soon-to-be Aunt came to her younger brother and his wife on the odd chance they wanted to adopt me. I’m told the wife took one look at me and the matter was decided. No arguing, no decisions, it was just a matter of fact. I’m referring to my foster mom of course. The next 6 years were probably the most care-free and untroubled of my life. I was simply a kid growing up with two loving parents. All the previous stuff was completely unknown to me.

Six months before my 7th birthday, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She began to decline rapidly. Naturally, I didn’t understand. How does one explain such things to a kid? As my birthday rolled around, I begged my mom to wait until my 8th birthday before she left. I still didn’t get it. All I knew is everyone was telling me mommy was leaving and I wasn’t happy about that. She died 2 months later. I can still remember standing over her grave wondering why they were putting her in the ground. It was my first real experience with death and no one had bothered to explain that that’s where dead people end up when they die. I was confused because I kept hearing about this place called ‘heaven’ and I didn’t realize it was in the ground. [3]You can imagine how painful that conversation must have been for my dad. 

As it has a tendency to do, time moved on. My dad did his best but I know it was hard on him. Two years later, he proceeded to marry my step mother, or Satan-in-drag (SID) as I referred to her. She absolutely hated me. After my little brother was born, 3 weeks before my 10th birthday, that hate intensified. I spent years getting the full brunt of her taunts, insults, lies, and beatings. She was the only person on this planet I’ve ever felt true malevolence towards. I hated her as much as she hated me. [4]I threw a party when she died. Got drunker than Cooter Brown and was calling everyone I knew singing “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!”  The physical stuff was a pale shadow of the mental abuse she put me thru. How my id survived it is anybody’s guess. Of course, there was a time when I was 12 when I almost poisoned her. My dad worked a lot and always took her side when I complained. After all, I was just a lying kid, what did I know? I ran away from home several times. I always ended up coming back like an idiot.

Eight months after my 14th birthday, [5]I seem to remember everything related to my birthdays. I came out to my dad. Well I say came out, my dad caught me and my then boyfriend going at it. I’ve never mentioned that here before. I always tell people I just told him but that is a fib. He caught me red-handed, so to speak. My father always had a temper and definitely didn’t believe in ‘sparing the rod’. He beat me within an inch of my life. I came away with a broken jaw, 2 broken ribs, and a body so sore and bruised, I could barely walk for 2 weeks. SID’s taunts and overall nasty behavior increased even more. After what seemed like eternity in hell but was only 6 months, I promptly ran away again. Not before my dad came home early one day unexpected and caught SID breaking my nose. hehehe  Oh how the tables were turned. I relished the weeks of fighting between them. Anyway, I ran way again. I always said it was for good but that’s not exactly true either. I lived with my grandmother for 2 years until she passed away. It was 2 blissful years w/o daily anguish and ‘whoopin’s’ from my SID.

Having no where else to go, I went home. But the rules were different. SID wasn’t allowed to whoop many anymore. I referred to her by her first name on the few occasions we actually spoke. She hated it. lol  Being completely afraid of my dad , we barely spoke. I avoided him like the plague. I think it was then he started to truly realize what he had done to me. That lasted all of 5 months before I finally left home for good. I moved in with my first boyfriend and his dad. I’m skipping past the bf’s death and my resulting suicide attempt. Too many memories too fast and I’m trying to get thru this with my mood in tact. Needless to say, it was the darkest part of my life. I survived again, thankfully. And again, I don’t exactly know how.

Life improved somewhat after that. It was hard but I was free on so many levels. I spent a couple years living out of my vehicle but that pales to what came before so I don’t feel the need to flesh that out. And as fate would have it, my life has continued to improve since then. I’ve grown up, become a contributing member of society, and matured in so many ways over the years I’ve lost count. I could tell you so much more about all the details in between but that’s a nut for another day.

So here we are back to my pending 40th birthday. I’m ecstatic actually. I never thought I’d make it this far. What came before has only made me appreciate what I have now more. If I’m lucky, things will continue to improve and I’ll die a happy man. I’ve never yearned for fame or riches. My only wish has always been to live and die with my friends/loved ones around me.  Only time will tell of course but I am ever the optimist. How can I not be?

References

References
↑1 In gay years, that makes me ancient but that’s besides the point. lol
↑2 A blessing in my book. As awful as my childhood was, I wouldn’t wish that fate on a dog.
↑3 You can imagine how painful that conversation must have been for my dad.
↑4 I threw a party when she died. Got drunker than Cooter Brown and was calling everyone I knew singing “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!”
↑5 I seem to remember everything related to my birthdays.

Progress II

I’m still on the mend. I’ve already regained about 90% of my range of motion. There is very little discomfort in most daily tasks. I’m pretty much back to normal except for a few areas. I obviously can’t work out yet. I go back to the doc on the 20th to see how the bone is healing. Odd angles of pressure still bother me but its more of an annoyance vs real problem. The biggest issue is I can’t sleep on that side yet. Not being able to sleep on my back or stomach, I get restless a lot at night sleeping on just one side trying to remain comfortable. [1]Apple guy being in Texas at the moment isn’t helping.   I’ve resorted back to Ambien to get me thru the nights. It’s the only drug I’ve found so far that doesn’t leave me all groggy and lethargic in the mornings.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it but the bike was totaled. *sigh*  I’m gonna walk away w/about $3500 after the loan is paid off. Considering I financed the bike at $8k, that’s pretty good. I sent off the powr of attorney paperwork which is the last step in the process. That’s the good news. The bad news is my debt load has increased since I last purchased a bike and I’m worried I may not qualify for a low interest rate. I don’t have anything in the negative but carrying a high debt load does factor into the loan process. I’m hoping because its thru my credit union I will luck out. Keep your fingers crossed.

I’m gonna look for another 07-08 gixxr 750. I love the style and fit of the bike and I miss my beast something fierce. Worst case scenario, if I don’t get a good loan, I’ll work some massive overtime at work and just save up some cash to buy one outright. I’m not really looking to go that route as I’m not big on overtime these days.

My mood is up and down. I hate not being able to work out and with the erratic sleep, I’m cranky and irritable most days now. Another reason for the Ambien. The holiday is fast approaching and I can’t seem to find my xmas spirit. I’m sure it will hit me eventually but I wish it would hurry up already. lol Of course, I could always change my name to Scrooge McGrinch. lol

References

References
↑1 Apple guy being in Texas at the moment isn’t helping.

Sissy Boy

As usual, my buddy brettcajun stirred up a hornet’s nest with his recent post.  He got quite a bit of fall out over it and attempted to cover with another post, which fell equally as flat. In a nut shell, Brett was ranting about how Kurt Hummell’s character [1]from the TV show Glee is a nelly limp-wristed sissy who deserved what he got because he couldn’t man-up and be a real man. The irony of the person doing the complaining was not lost on anyone mind you. *g*

Sadly, his feelings; however shameful and wrong they were, are not all that uncommon. For my .02, I think the problem is not only ignorance but our growling failure to understand the difference between being attracted to someone vs accepting of them. [2]Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.  Many of us fall prey to the foolish idea that to be accepted we have to conform and/or fit in. As if such behavior would make those who hate us hate us any less. That ideology has never worked so why it continues to flourish is anyone’s guess.

While ignorance can be forgiven, it can only be forgiven to a point. You cross the line when you go from disliking someone because they fit a stereotype you detest to actively condoning violence against them. Knowing Brett, I doubt he meant to encourage real harm but that doesn’t change the facts. He openly condoned violence against one of our own simply because said person was effeminate. This type of thinking simply cannot go unchallenged and uncorrected. TV character or not, we are seeing this same scenario play itself out all too often in real life in schools all over the nation. Even worse, some of the victims have turned to suicide to avoid being bullied. All because they are different. To his credit, Brett took his lumps. Quite a few of his commenters raked him over the coals and rightfully so.

A few commenters spoke up in support of Brett. Many of their arguments are the same reasons those who hate us continue to do so. Of course, you have to be able to see beyond your own short-sightedness and insecurities to see such an irony. Condoning violence against others because you hate qualities they represent [3]qualities we often hate in ourselves does not make you a man. If anything, it makes you a coward. And I will tell anyone, friend or foe, the same to their face.

Then there is the attraction issue. More and more, as a culture we are beginning to see attraction and acceptance as the same thing. In a desperate effort to fit-in and feel like we belong, we have begun to marginalize ourselves into sub-cultures based not only on attraction but acceptance. Whether it be twinkies, daddies, leather, drag, gym-bunnies, bears, etc, we lock ourselves into labels meant to free us. We then turn on those who don’t represent our now rigid view of how others should be based on our attraction. IMHO, this is a dangerous path that makes us no better than those who seek to deny us equality. While it can be expected, to a degree, in a culture as sexually obsessed as we are, it does not excuse said behavior.  Just because I happen to fit into one or more sub-cultures doesn’t mean I can now pass judgment on those who do not.

I may not be physically attracted to someone who is overly flamboyant or naturally effeminate but I will defend their right to be with my last breath. I will say this though. I’d sooner stand by their side than anyone who would seek to tear them down out of misplaced angst, fear, or ignorance.

References

References
↑1 from the TV show Glee
↑2 Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.
↑3 qualities we often hate in ourselves

Progress

From the pic you can see I’m on the mend. Actually, if you look closely, you can still see the broken bone. What you can’t see is all the little splinter pieces he had to move around and position properly so they’d grow back. I didn’t actually know they left the splinters in. I just assumed they would take’em out and the bone would grow back. Not so, the splinters will actually reattach to the bone and grow back to normal.

I’m already back at work on modified duty. [1]Four hour shifts  Everyone is shocked and amazed I’m already out of a arm sling and back at work. Of course, if I was just letting the bone heal on its own I would still have my arm in the sling. It takes 6-8 weeks for the bone to heal up. The metal plate actually takes a lot of pressure off the bone so I’m able to do more faster.

I was a little surprised the day of the accident how many coworkers were checking in on me. Knowing the crews that showed up, they were getting bombarded by terminal messages from my co-workers.  Seeing the call history at work made me understand, it sounds way worse than it was. It also shows how everyone sees something different. I was actually the first call into work regarding my accident but several other people called in as well. One person stated I was run over by a vehicle and trapped under it. lol [2]When I went down, it was in a parking lane and I slid into a parked vehicle. My bike actually wedged itself under the vehicle a bit. 

Anyway, I can’t do everything yet but most daily mediocre tasks are fine. I stretch it every day to help get the range of motion back. I’m about 75% there so far. There are definitely angles that are still difficult. The wound itself is healing very nicely albeit a bit tender.  Today was the first morning I woke up in no pain at all, another good sign.  I go back to the doctor mid December. If everything is ok then he will release me to start working out (pushing weights) again. I’m probably starting back on cardio this next week. I’ve gained a few lbs and need to start working it off. And don’t forget Thanksgiving is just around the corner. lol

A big thanks to everyone who checked in on me. I got emails, messages, comments, etc and I greatly appreciate it. To answer questions, yes I’ll be getting another bike.  I’m just waiting on the insurance people to give me my payoff information. I’m hoping to get another gixxr and my shop is already looking for one for me!

References

References
↑1 Four hour shifts
↑2 When I went down, it was in a parking lane and I slid into a parked vehicle. My bike actually wedged itself under the vehicle a bit.