New & Improved

Ok, it’s a cheesy title.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  Annnnyway, after my little spat yesterday, I had a complete and utter emotional meltdown.  Oh, it was not pretty. 

The short version: Said (ex) friend got caught in a lie, I gave him a chance to come clean, he didn’t and I called him on it. The lie itself was tiny but he intent behind it was quite painful.  He then proceeds to say some of the cruelest meanest things to me in an attempt to cover his shame and embarrassment.  I knew what he was doing but it still got to me and things spiraled afterwards from there. 

Honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure why I was such a wreck.  I’ve lost friends over much uglier things so why was this one so tough?  As my buddy Frank put it, “it was probably the preverbal straw that broke the camel’s back.” [1]He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.  He was right I think.  Things have been building in my id and having no direct way out, they finally just busted through. 

Fast forward 24 hours and what have I learned?

  1. I still have insecurities to work through.  Acceptance is half the battle.  Yes, yes, they are better but I’ve allowed them to fester, apparently. 
  2. Some of my self-perceptions are at odds with reality.
  3. I am tired of always putting on the brave face.
  4. I still have unresolved angst over my evolving relationship with TFA.
  5. And probably the most painful to recognize, I am little lonely. [2]I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Things are a clearer to me after my big broo-haha this weekend.  In a way, said (ex) friend did me a favor.  Make no mistake our friendship is over but his drama has forced me take a closer look at myself.  Unfortunately for you my dear readers, you get to once again suffer through me blathering on about my demons and attempts to exorcise them.  God love ya for doing it too.  lol

First on my agenda, come clean to myself about what areas need work and develop a mantra (a sort of codex if you will). 

References

References
↑1 He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.
↑2 I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Friend or Foe

I’m questioning several of my friendships right now after finding out some interesting details this evening. The details aren’t important but clearly my interpretation of the word “friend” is different from theirs. Regardless, after today, I know where I rank in their minds at least.

It didn’t help that I woke up very early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. Naturally, I had to go to the DMV to finalize all the paperwork on my old bike being totaled, the new bike, blah blah blah. Surprisingly enoguh, that turned out ok. The girl that helped me was quite friendly and went out of her way to save me a butt-load of time.

As if that wasn’t enough, a friend has been very sick and is in the hospital. I got very worried when I couldn’t reach his room today. Thank the stars, he was the victim of incompetent recording keeping as to which room he was in. I just got home from visiting him.

My mood is completely sour and I need to stop before I say something I’ll regret later. Tomorrow is another day.

Donate, Please

I rarely ask anything of my readers other than respect.  This time I am asking a little more.  Let me be clear, I am not above begging.  The extremist wingnuts couldn’t win with the truth so they’ve taken to lying in their festering evil attempt to write discrimination into the California State constitution. 

It is a sad day indeed when the “moral majority” has to resort to lying and deceit to win their case in the hearts & minds of everyday folk.  This is one of the most important votes of the century.  Whether you live in California or not, if you believe as I do, that two people regardless of their sex should be allowed to form stable, long-term LEGAL relationships under the law, then I urge you to help out.

Please, even if you can only donate $10, take a moment and hop over to

Say NO to Prop 8.

If 1 million people gave just $1.00 that would be one million in extra funds to fight the hate and lies being brought against us in the upcoming election.

I gave $400 of my own money today.  I decided to forgo the shiny new riding jacket I wanted.  Instead, I donated the money to the No to Prop. 8 campaign.  I make this pledge.  If enough people donate from this post to raise $1000.00, I will donate $400.00 more of my own money. 

Please, I urge you, take a moment to donate whatever you can.  Even if it is only a few dollars, every little bit helps when we act together. 

All of these fine folks have also helped out. I’ll add every link I discover to this post.

roblog
Romach
Joe my God
Towleroad
Bear Schmear
Queeristan
Gooster
Mathias n Oz
SwimfinsSF
thisboyelroy

Hell To The Yes!

Continuing along the vein of the utterly mundane details of my life, I got some good news today.  The Ortho doc told me I could start working out again!  I was so happy I almost did a cartwheel right there in his office. lol

He took a new x-ray and the bone is completely sealed. [1]on the outside, the inside of a bone takes 2-4 months to completely grow back  He didn’t put any restrictions on me other than just easing back into my routine.  That was sort of a no-brainer but God love him for making the effort.  Basically, if it hurts, don’t do it is what he told me. 

*

So naturally, I high-tailed it over to the gym!  I spent the first hour just testing myself, feeling out my limits.  Actually, my joints resisted more than my collar bone did.  I ended up working out with about half the weight I’d normally do for chest day.  I also only did 2 sets of each group instead of 4.  No need to go overboard and make it worse.  Even still, it felt so good to just be working out.  I love the feeling of my muscles feeling all tight and perky afterwards.  I’m not ashamed to say that the endorphin release gave me a little bit of a stiffy afterwards. heehee 

As I was leaving the gym, I ran into a guy I’ve met a few times around town.  He didn’t recognize me and was flirting hard.  He was on a Suzuki GSX 1300.  Of course, we started talking about bikes and riding.  Anyway, I couldn’t resist and reminded him of who I was.  I’m not sure why he was so embarrassed but it was fun watching him blush.

*

After the gym I hopped over to the Chiro doc for a much needed spinal adjustment.  I’ve been having some lower neck and lower back problems since the accident.  I usually adjust very easily but he had to take his time with my neck today.  That said, I’ve never heard my back pop so much in one session.  He said my alignment was all “cock-eyed.” [2]Little does he know how true that really is…  He is also really cool about billing me.  Not knowing if my bike insurance would cover my x-rays and stuff, he did’em anyway but only billed me at cost.  So very nice of him. 

*

It has been a good day.  I feel better physically and mentally.  Tomorrow is my Friday so now what to do with my weekend….hmmmmmm?

References

References
↑1 on the outside, the inside of a bone takes 2-4 months to completely grow back
↑2 Little does he know how true that really is…

Hysterical

Does anyone else find it oddly amusing that the religious F&F’s [1]fundamentalists and fanatics selectively pick and choose disasters to blame on gays?  Several of the crazy sites (of which I will never link to here) are blaming the current financial crisis and resulting company failures on gays.  Wha-wha-what?  Gays caused the financial meltdown in our country? 

I particularly like how they liken our influence to total control yet we still don’t have basic rights in most of the Union.  I mean if our control was that iron clad wouldn’t we already have equal protections?  Oh right, God is keeping us in check.  I get it, blame the deity of choice as to avoid rational thought and common sense. 

*

I just finished watching the VP debate.  So basically Palin is considered a success because she didn’t stick her foot in her mouth?  Or at least that is what the political pundits on CNN think.  The VP is second in line for the presidency and we rate her a success on making it thru a debate w/o a major blunder?   My my, what high standards we have. 

I came away feeling that Palin has good memorization skills and looks good on camera.  As a VP she would pretty much be a figurehead that does what she is told.  Not necessarily a bad thing for a VP however, the though of her stepping into the presidency makes me shudder.  And while Biden didn’t particularly wow me, I felt he had a firmer grasp on reality and is much more qualified to be the VP.  I particularly liked his phrasing on gay rights.  While he said he didn’t support gay marriage, his phrasing clearly indicates he was referring to it in a religious sense not a civil rights sense.  Very well said in my opinion.  

References

References
↑1 fundamentalists and fanatics

Over

Well, the three big gay holidays of the year are over.  Pride, Dore Alley, & last but not least, Folsom have all come and gone.  And while I had fun, Folsom was a mixed bag for me this year.  One might even say too much fun. [1]Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.  That said, I discovered a couple of old demons still lurking in my id.

The Big Muscle party on Saturday was exceptionally fun.  What can I say? So many beefy menz, so little time.  Actually, with the exception of the fair itself, everything else was almost a let down after the BM party.  Nothing else really seemed to measure up.  lol  And, I like it because everyone is still relatively sober.  I usually find the guys are often very friendly and more sociable than other events throughout the weekend.  I guess you could compare it to a Tea dance.  I also met more guys from online this year than I ever have before.  Moving on…

The weekend went great.  I was with a great group of friends, ran into some old ones and definitely met some new ones.  That said, I remember this nagging sensation gnawing at me several times.  Not about to let it ruin my fun, I tucked it away and made a mental note to crack it open later.  *g*  Well it is later and I’ve realized the nagging feeling was me feeling inferior.

Don’t get me wrong, I doubt anyone really noticed.  One thing you learn about me, when I’m nervous or intimidated I tend to act more gregarious than normal to compensate for it. [2]I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL  Call it a defense-mechanism from my childhood, whatever.  I originally chalked it up to not having worked out in over a month.  And lets face it, these events do sort of cater to the more shallow side of our nature. 

Now I’m left wondering if my lack of gym time is the real culprit?  I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t think so.  Instead, I think I’ve become so accustomed to working out it has allowed me to bury my old feelings of inadequacy.  It really shouldn’t surprise me not being able to work out just allowed them to surface.

So yeah, I had a great time at Folsom.  But, it also gave me a chance to see myself a bit more objectively.  Never a bad thing, IMHO.  I guess the point here is I realized I’ve been neglecting the inner me and focusing primarily on the outer me.  And while neither is in that bad of shape, I need to remember they both need work. *g* 

References

References
↑1 Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.
↑2 I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL

Yes?

After several inquires, I figured it was time to update le blog.  Like I said, I’ve been extremely busy loafing on the sofa.  It is Gay High Holy Day #3 [1]Folsom St Fair weekend and the city is awash with visitors.  As mentioned, my buddy Frank arrived today.  Rob & Chuck came over this evening to watch the Presidential debate with us (a whole other post unto itself).  Afterwards, roblog, Adam & Brad, my neighbor Chuck, and myself all trekked down to the hood for some sushi for dinner.  It was great to get out of the house and socialize. 

Tomorrow is the Big Muscle party and random oggling of da menz.  Sunday, of course, is the fair.

Several folks have asked how my shoulder is doing.  So far so good.  I’m healing up quite nicely so far.  I’ve regained about 80-90% of my motion back.  The wound itself is starting to lose most of the purpleness from the surgery.  I still have some numbness around the edges but it is better every day.  I go back to see the Ortho doctor on the 8th.  I find out then if & when I can start working out again. [2]Cross your fingers for me.

I’ll try to get some pics in but you know how absent-minded I am.  😛

And what are your weekend plans?

References

References
↑1 Folsom St Fair
↑2 Cross your fingers for me.

McCain Still a Hypocrit

McCain Never Returned Cash from former Manhunt Chairman

While I’m still on my high horse…

So not only did they not return the money but Crutchley is still working for MH even if he is no longer on the board. He still owns a significant share of the company and not being “on the board” was window dressing to appease us so we would blithely turn away and keep looking for our next hookup.

/rant

15 years to life in S.F. dog maul death

15 years to life in S.F. dog maul death

It only took 7 years for the verdict to be reached. This dog attack was beyond despicable. It was also one of the most horrific animal attacks I’ve ever been privy to. There are things I am bound not to reveal due to rules that govern my employment. I can say she (and her husband) got off lucky. I shudder to think how much easier it might have been for them both to get off scott-free in other parts of the country. I am personally glad this person will do extended prison time but I feel it is a slap on the wrist compared to what she (and her husband) should have received.

I grew up on a farm and I love animals. I currently don’t own pets because I am not home enough and I would never allow an animal to go neglected. Leaving an animal home alone for hours (sometimes days) at a time is cruel. But, I digress. I would never, and I say NEVER, own such an aggressive dog in a City environment. Dogs are not children but the effort and control involved is similar in many aspects. Large dogs, especially naturally aggressive ones, need a lot of love, attention, and control. If trained properly it is not an overly tasking skill. When left on their own or antagonized, they become even more aggressive. As an FYI, you are solely responsible if your animal attacks a human being. [1]Yes, there are exceptions based on circumstances.

The sad reality is many people who own animals do not take personal responsibility for their animals. And, it is the animal and other helpless victims who end up suffering.

/rant

References

References
↑1 Yes, there are exceptions based on circumstances.