Ho-hum

I haven’t really been inspired to blog much lately.  Even my twittering has waned.  After getting yet another round of emails asking “are you ok?”  I figured I should at least post an update.

Nothing is really wrong, [1]well other than being a 2nd class citizen in the eyes of the law again. I’ve just been busy.  Work has been crazy.  My union duties are extremely busy right now.  The other day I had so much union related stuff going on, I only sat on channel for about 45mins the whole day.  I’m not complaining as I usually get results.  Plus, I am actively working to make my place of employment better. 

I’ve also been heavily involved in playing Gears of War 2.  I freaking love that game.  I beat the campaign level once already and am really enjoying the online play.  If you have an 360, you should try it even if you don’t normally go for FPS (first person shooter) games. 

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The Prop 8 scandal still smarts.  I will admit to being rather sad lately over the whole ordeal.  I’ve attended several rallies and sit-ins.  And while it feels good, I just feel like rallies don’t accomplish much after the fact.  Where were all these people when our rights got taken away?  I’ve also donated all I can at this point.  I’ve pushed my finances as far as I’m willing.  I’ve already forgone riding gear, my holiday overtime pay and money for personal holiday gifts this year.  I can’t afford to give anymore right now.  I know I sound pissy but I’ve done my part.  I’m certainly not giving up but we all have limits. 

I’m curious about the whole “amendment process”.  I’d love to start an amendment to ban divorce in California.  Or maybe we could ban marriage all-together.  Or how about we ban Mormons?  How very “christian” of you to force your beliefs on others. Don’t like the idea of marrying a gay person?  Well then don’t do it you ignorant hate-mongering fuckers!  That’s ok, you’ll get yours in the end.  I have no doubts in that. 

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I’ve been hitting the gym consistently.  I’m back up to a full routine.  Still haven’t hit my original limits but slow and steady.  I’ve been good at incorporating cardio into my routines and I’m getting used to it now. 

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I had a date last week.  It was a medic who was doing his Medic cert back when I was doing my EMT cert.  We used to run into each other at the hospitals and chatted often.  Anyway, long boring story short, it did not go well.  One, he was clearly husband shopping.  Two, he had some internalized homophobia.  Neither of which I am inclined to put up with.  The final straw was when he indicated the whole Prop 8 scandal had very little to do with him.

I think he was more disappointed than I was. heehee  His face fell several times in the course of our conversations.  It was clear he expected me to be of a similar mind-set since we worked in related fields.  I almost felt sorry for him.  Almost. 

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I’ve taken my daily journals private again as they aren’t very nice right now. 

References

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↑1 well other than being a 2nd class citizen in the eyes of the law again.

Amend or Revise

An interesting article on whether Prop 8 falls under an amendment requiring only a majority vote (50% + 1) or a revision (2/3’s approval of both houses BEFORE going to voters who must pass with majority vote).

An interesting take and a valid one IMHO even if it appears to be an uphill battle. Hope over and read the article for a better idea.

Hope still lives in this house.

Too Through

My happiness with our new President-elect is overshadowed today.  With Prop 8 expected to pass here in CA, Prop 102 in AZ and Prop 2 in Florida passing, I have lost all respect for so called “Christian” hate-mongers.  If you’ve been living under a rock, these 3 amendments write discrimination into their respective state constitutions. 

I’ve always tried to respect peoples religious beliefs however, there comes a point where your hate, fear, and ignorance cloaked in faith is no longer acceptable.  That time has come.  After this election, you’ve made it very clear you hate me and hope to forever label me as a 2nd class citizen.  Well I’m here to tell you, I am not going away no matter how hard you try.  Nor will I blithely stand by when I hear you condemning me and mine in the name of scripture and then claiming faith as an excuse. 

Of course, there are those who still claim to be “christians” who also believe in reason and human rights.  It is you folks who are now faced with a difficult choice.  You can continue to stand by and allow your religion (aka cult) to be corrupted by greed and hate or you can take a stand.  You can stand for common decency, respect, and equal treatment of all people.  You can put your fellow “christians” on notice their behavior is not acceptable and take back your faith.  But, if you choose to stand idly by and do nothing while still identifying with those who hate me, you are no longer exempt from my scorn either. [1]I feel it is worth noting, some of the most horrific atrocities ever committed in human history were done in the name of faith.

No matter how hard you try to justify your actions using archaic scripts, you know deep down it is wrong.  And it is you who is accountable for that. 

And to be clear, I don’t hate you.  But don’t expect me to ‘turn the other cheek’ any longer. 

References

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↑1 I feel it is worth noting, some of the most horrific atrocities ever committed in human history were done in the name of faith.

Home and Back Again

This trip was interesting to say the least.  It was good to see my little bro. [1]He is 28 but he’ll always be my “little brother”  We’ve always been the closet but it seems to be getting stronger.  He is learning just being gay hasn’t changed who I am.  We also had a long talk about our siblings.  He then told me some very funny stories about my relatives and their views on me.  One relative even asked him if we still hugged (Yes, he ridiculed them for being so silly).  He also had apparently told everyone to mind their p’s and q’s as he wouldn’t tolerate any disrespectful behavior.  Anyway, I thought I’d share some funny incidents that occurred over the weekend. 

Funny #1
Halloween night we had a big bonfire.  Two of my brothers were there as well as two of my cousins and their families. Of course, my immediately family already knew about me but their spouses and kids only knew from being told.  My older cousin was completely blown away by the fact I made gay jokes and wisecracks.  We were watching something on TV and I said, “I know I’m gay but even I think THAT is so gay“.  You could have heard a pin drop it was so quiet for about 30 seconds before everyone started laughing.  A very tense milestone (for them) had passed.  She later confided she had warned her kids not to use the word gay around me for fear of hurting my feelings or alienating me (Keep in mind, profanity is a given in my family).  I was touched by the thought but I assured her it was ok. [2]And while it really isn’t ok, small steps people, small steps.   I did encourage her to think about the underlying implications of allowing her kids to talk that way.  While the intent might not be derogatory, the affects can be. 

Funny #2
The younger cousin had admonished her own family in a similar manner.  Her husband I guess didn’t know what to expect (having never met me) and apparently, there was some animosity about the visit.  After a couple hours, he pulled me aside to tell me I wasn’t what he expected.  I asked if he was expecting the stereotypical limp-wristed fembot.  It took him a second to digest what I was saying but he finally admitted he had indeed.  I assured him these are the stereotypes simply because they are so obvious.  I explained that while I could “nell out” with the best of’em, it isn’t my normal demeanor.  I also told him he probably knew more than he thought because not everyone, especially in a small town, likes it known.  That gave him a moment of pause but he took it well I think. lol   Not knowing it, he gave me a back-handed compliment by telling me had he not already known he would never have guessed. 

It was very heartening to see some of my extended family expanding their horizons.  And while there are some who will never be ok with it, I came away knowing I’ve given them something to think about. 

I share these stories because I’ve always believed it isn’t the TV and media that sways most folks.  I think it is their friends, family, coworkers, etc who decide to come out and live openly and honestly that changes their minds.  There are always some who will see you differently but, wouldn’t you rather be liked (or not) for you really are? 

References

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↑1 He is 28 but he’ll always be my “little brother”
↑2 And while it really isn’t ok, small steps people, small steps.

OY!

I am back home in East Texas visiting my little brother.  He broke his leg last week so I thought I’d surprise him with a visit.  I already had a long weekend scheduled [1]I hate working Halloween and often do my level best to get it off. so it worked out good.  I had originally planned to fly down to LA for a weekend of debauchery.  Oh well, I can be a dirty slut any time. 

moby bored

The above pic is me looking pretty bored. lol  Let’s face it.  There isn’t much to do out here except hunt, fish, breed, and watch DVD’s.  Too late to hunt/fish and I sure as hell ain’t breedin’ so we sat around watching DVDs. 

Last night, my older brother, two of my cousins and their families came by for a big ole fashioned bonfire (read get drunk and talk shit around a big fire).  I usually don’t drink much but being free and in an environment where my only worry was stumbling up the steps, I figured what the hell.  

I can report malt liquor and fireside smores go well together.  Of course, my head is killing me today.  Homemade booze is good but it also packs a powerful kick.  Oy!

Hung over

You can see how hung (over) I was. hehehe  After a nice greasy breakfast and a serious in-flux of liquids I’m feeling somewhat alive again.

More later…

References

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↑1 I hate working Halloween and often do my level best to get it off.

Ride Baby Ride!

Mine is the blue/white one very left edge with the helmet sitting on it.

Today was my first big ride since the accident.  It was also my first ride with the group.  The guys made me feel welcome and we had an awesome ride. 

I was a little leery as I’ve never ridden in a group before but it was cool.  Everyone got along great and the day could not have been more beautiful.  I actually remembered to take my camera but like a dolt I forgot to put the memory card back in.  I could only snap 3 pics before the cameras internal memory was full. [1]Thank god I’m pretty right?

Apparently, the turnout was more than expected.  About 20 guys showed up this morning.  We ended up splitting into two groups.  My group wanted to do some windy roads and the other wanted speed.  Turns out the other group had a little mishap.  One of the riders slipt and fell and broke his leg.  Not too bad from what I’ve heard but OUCH! 

This was also one of the longer rides I’ve been on.  We drove just over 200 miles round trip. On my old GS500 my arms, ass, and legs would have been jello by the end.  The Gixxr was great.  It performed beautifully and I got a really good feel for the bike’s capabilities.  My wrists and back are a little sore but otherwise I’m good.  My shoulder didn’t bother me one bit. 

Now, I’m home safe and pondering my dinner choices.  Chicken, sushi, or pizza?

References

References
↑1 Thank god I’m pretty right?

I’m NOT Crazy!

The doc and I went over my blood panel from last week and the good news is I’m not crazy.  The bad news, my testosterone level was twice the normal range.  Didn’t have a clue as to why until we thought to check my prescription.  Turns out the pharmacy sent me the wrong dosage of delatestryl. [1]synthetic testosterone  The milligram to milliliter was double what it was supposed to be.  Can you say, “oops”?  

The doc said he was surprised I could even work w/all that juice running thru my veins.  Of course, not being able to workout at the time only added to the affect.  Luckily, the changes aren’t permanent and I’ve suffered no long term damage.  It will take almost a full month for my system to return to normal though. 

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Of course, the other good thing is everyone got to hear me admit I get lonely.  hehehe.  Yes, even I get lonely at times.  And having somewhat of thick skin, I guess it is easy for me to hide.  Frankly, I’ve always seen loneliness as a useless emotion.  I often go out of my way to shun it within myself.  But, I’m realizing now it may serve a purpose.  It is ok to be lonely sometimes.  It is not ok to succumb to it and let it take over your life.

It’s funny because before all this happened I had a rather profound conversation with a friend one day.  He knows I’m fond of saying, “I try to be the type of man I’d like to date“.  His question was, “Say you do all this work to yourself.  You spend years even decades molding yourself into the type of person you wish to be.  And then you still don’t find anyone, was it worth it?”  And given my own recent Ricky Lake episode and some time to reflect on it, I think my answer is yes.  There are no guarantees in life.  And being a bit of a control freak you can imagine this next statement is like biting nails to me. lol  The only thing I truly have any control over is myself. 

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So, even though my big meltdown was chemically induced, it showed me I have some work to do.  In a way, it is kind of liberating.  I feel the “ugly monster” is out in the open now and I can deal with it instead of trying to banish it to dark corners of my id.   Will I succeed?  Hell, I don’t know but, therein lies the struggle we all face, right?

References

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↑1 synthetic testosterone

Still Kicking

Had a bit of a busy weekend. My friend Trev was in town from Houston. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to so it was good to see him. He is going on a cruise tomorrow and promptly dragged me all over the city shopping for last minute “items”. [1]And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol Unfortunately, this led to some muscle spasms in my back and neck. Fast forward to my Chiro visit and I discovered I have whiplash from the accident. Not severe but still enough to cause problems when I stand or walk a lot. It is truly amazing how good you can feel from a good chiro adjustment. OY!

We also went to see “Burn After Reading”. It’s a dark comedy with Brad Pitt & George Clooney. There were some definite funny scenes and Brad Pitt’s character was hysterical. However, overall this is more of a DVD movie, IMHO. The build up was great and the acting was decent however, the ending was too quick and too convenient. It sort of spoils the mood the plot spends a lot of time building.

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TFA is in town for a layover tonight so I get to see him too! I haven’t seen him since the accident so naturally I’m very “excited” about that. hehehe

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The gym has been good. Ironically, the whiplash hasn’t affected me there at all. I think mostly because I haven’t incorporated any heavy back workouts into my routine yet. Today was supposed to be my back however, I switched to arms. I have no desire to re-injure myself in any capacity. That said, I am so happy to be working out again. The arm workout was great and the endorphins were even better. I also ran into “pubis boy” while I was there. It was all I could do not to pounce on him. lol

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Overall, it seems I am, in fact, my old self again. The violent mood swings and paranoia have definitely subsided. I’m still scheduled to see my doc tomorrow. I had my blood work done last week so he should have some answers for me one way or another.

References

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↑1 And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol

The Return

Today, I am pretty much back to my old self. It seems my emotional roller coaster has come to a screeching halt. lol Thanks to everyone who sent well-wishes. I got so many private emails as to make me cry. A few folks seemed genuinely surprised I was capable of feeling lonely. Yes, even a hard edged bastard like myself can feel lonely at times. lol

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doc next week. I can’t for the life of me justify why I spiraled so far downward. I am wondering if my problem might be partially hormonal. heehee I ain’t a spring chicken anymore and it is certainly a possibility. It would explain a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this past weekend opened my eyes a bit. I still plan on trying to find my internal balance again. But, not every problem has one solution so I am taking a broader approach.

And while I had every right to be upset, I succumbed to some pretty negative emotions. I mashed every little annoyance in my life into one big giant pity party. My buddy Frank and TFA were both there for me though. God love’em for putting up with my crazy ass. Both gave me some good insights and their unconditional support. It really meant a lot to me. I hope neither thinks any less of me for my unceremonious breakdown. I find it hilarious they both said, “it just shows you are human.” lol The truth is I often view such emotions as petty and beneath me. So when I feel them it makes me angry at the same time. Something else I need to work on. Sometimes the negative can teach us to value the positive that more. [1]Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….

So yeah, I feel very much like my old self today. I’m just home from the gym and headed off to work in a bit.

References

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↑1 Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….