Clean

Well, I finally got news on the eye/sinus problem. I’m scheduled to go under the knife early October to clean out the fluid/infection/cyst thingy. I hope they take pictures. I had a dream the other night that it was an alien like Sigourney Weavers’. heehee Naturally, it was a queen!

Anyway, it has taken a while to get the info. First, the ENT doc was out of town for two weeks. Then he had a family emergency which pushed him out for another week. And apparently, he only does his surgeries once a month. Bizarre for me but I guess it makes sense from a cost factor. The insurance foots the bill so who am I to complain?

The CT scan did show the bone for my right socket was intact. However, even with the infection/cyst, my right sinus is smaller than it should be and apparently is the culprit for my eye problem. In the most ironic twist, the infection has possibly prevented the problem from being discovered sooner. It could have also just shrunk from an original larger size that dislodged the eye from its normal position. Either way, I’ve noticed the effect is progressing in small increments but still a ways off from impacting my daily vision.

As expected, I’m in line for two procedures. The first, while considered invasive, is the cleaning which I really wouldn’t call a surgery. The second is slightly more complicated and involves adding more metal to my body. I wonder if I can call myself a cyborg now that I’ll soon have 4 different metal plates in my body?

(Arnold voice) I’ll be back!

Schedule

I recently switched to a slightly later schedule at work. It is amazing what a two hour difference makes. hehehe For you long time readers (if there are any left), you’ll remember how much I just loooooove day shifts.

Having worked swing shift for roughly 12 years, I made the jump to an earlier shift for the previous project I was on. It wasn’t as early as our normal day-shift so it was bearable. It was also very flexible.1 After finishing the project I opted to go to our normal day-shift, which is 0700-1500. That means getting up roughly 0530 to 0550 to get the Cooper fed/walked and then off to work. Since The Pup has almost identical hours, it made sense. And as much as I grumbled, it was an easy sacrifice to make.

Sadly, I just couldn’t keep up with the hours. I’d come home tired pretty much every day. Motivating myself to do the gym or anything beyond sofa lounging was always a challenge. I am just not a early morning person by nature. It’s not so much the getting up as getting to bed that is the problem. And unlike a lot of folks, I simply do not function well on a lack of sleep.

The later shift is also 10 hours instead of 8, which is another reason I was reticent to switch. The 2 hours later/2 hours longer makes for a 4-hour chunk out of our ‘home time’ during the week. It doesn’t seem like much but trying to sync gym schedules or even dinner is a bit of a chore. The upside is I get an extra day off every week. The Pup has already commented on how much more energized I am when I come home. lol

Ironically, his schedule has become more fluid so between both our schedule changes, we still see each other plenty enough during the week. Call me silly but I still rush home every day to see him. We end up lounging or playing video games but the desire to be with him is still very very strong.

 




  1. It gave me a huge advantage for travel when The Pup and were still courting. []

Duty

​I’ve gotten more than a few inquiries on my thoughts regarding the Missouri incident.  In a word, it’s a mess. You have a citizenry that is under-educated and have all but abandoned their civic duties. Granted, they can’t be blamed so much for that but looting your own community demonstrates a level of ignorance that is becoming more and mor prevelant in this country.

I come from very poor means. It is hard to care about community involvement when your sole existence is about survival. But, if we hope to stop problems like this we have to encourage said communities to be and do better. We need to shift our priorities away from the accumulation of wealth and to the betterment of people. Education is a huge component. An educated community is often more involved. Of course, the powers that be want you to be dumb because you are easier to control.

Then you have a police force in a small town that has all the authority and very little oversight. This is not unusual per se. Visit any small rural area and you’ll see similar stories. Does that mean all rural depts are bad? No, of course not. But as the facts unfold, it is glaringly obvious the agency is lacking in any sort of oversight or accountability from its citizens. The abundance of hard-core military grade gadgets is simply crazy.

At the end of the day a young man lost his life. His implied guilt or innocence is not a valid reason on its own for his death. And as the facts are told and clarified, there is a larger cloud over the agency vs the officer involved. The often inflammatory (and even sometimes inaccurate) reporting from many media outlets hasn’t helped the situation. And of course, the emergent mob-mentality of our social media commentary is just icing on the cake. If social media is your only source of news, you are part of the problem. If you don’t know the details of a story or incident, keep your mouth shut until you do. Don’t share links you haven’t read because of a link-baiting headline. And you f**kers who share every story with the idea “it can’t hurt“, need a serious ass-whooping. /rant

Are there bad officers? Of course there are. But for every bad cop, there are easily 100 more you never hear about. Why? Because cops doing their duty don’t generate sensational headlines or ad-clicks.1  A few bad cops do not make them all bad and isolated stories of abuse do not paint an accurate picture.  Yes, our law-enforcement should be held to a higher standard, but humans are fallible no matter their position in life. To avoid the corruption we as the citizenry must be involved.

And speaking of, our citizenry is becoming ill-educated every day it seems. Subjective validation is often more important than facts or reason. Religious fanatacism and personal greed have trumped our morals. We’ve gone from ‘what can I do for my society‘ to ‘what can society do for me?‘ The idea of civic duty or responsibility is a foreign idea to most folks these days. A citizenry that abandons it’s overseers is quickly overrun by their own indifference. Absolute power corrupts absolute as the old adage goes. You cannot give away your power thru inaction and then wonder why the abuses keep happening. Proclaming your outrage on social media and demanding change does nothing to help and only serves to feed the problem.

Perform your civic duties. Vote, serve on jury duty and most of all, be involved in your community. Go to community meetings. Know your local policy makers and pay attention to their actions. Only then will your actions carry weight and effect change. Otherwise, you end up just being another sheep being guided by those in power, often to your detriment.




  1. Poor comparison but I see the same mis-characterization in my volunteer work with animals regarding pitbulls. []

801

Eight Oh One‘ is our local PD code for suicide. Today is the unfortunate anniversary of a coworker/friend’s death by suicide 9 years ago. She shot herself in a moment of sadness and her light was forever extinquished. Her death was especially painful for me. We weren’t besties but we were friends and I always considered her a kindred spirit. And in moments alone, she would often open up a little more to me and share in that connection. Our connection stemmed in part due to similar struggles in life. We both experienced a harsh and abusive childhood because we had the audacity to be born gay. Having already survived my own brush with suicide, it was a big blow to hear of her death. I knew what she must have been going thru internally and lamented that she didn’t reach out to me. Of course, no one knew how bad she felt. She was very stoic and kept it all hidden.

People often think of suicides as cowardly or selfish. That is simply not true. That is just a projection of our own pain over the loss. When you reach that awful stage there is no thought of self.1  There is no reason. There is no right or wrong. There is no thought of those who will miss you after you are gone. All of it is stripped away, layer by layer, until nothing is left but an all-encompassing blinding pain. A singular thought remains….escape!  Sadly, suicide is often the only mechanism that seems to offer a solution at that moment. But, I am here to tell you you can escape it without resorting to death. I am living proof.

Anyway, I decided to take her badge to work and remind everyone of her anniversary. On a side note, LGBT folks are 4-6 times more likely to commit suicide before the age of 25.2  In my line of work, suicides are also higher due to the stress and constant raw emotions that we process day after day. After decades of exposure, it can really wear you down. So, I wanted to reach out to my coworkers in the hopes that if they should ever be in such a dark place, they should also feel comfortable reaching out to me or anyone in their life for help. We all talked about fond memories of her and how she impacted us.

As for my coworker, where ever you are my dear, I hope you are in a better place. I hope you escaped the misery and pain. I hope that those around you can experience your light and love and be better for it.




  1. And I hope you haven’t and/or never do []
  2. The statistics vary from org to org but this is the rough average. []

Still

I guess my delay in blogging as of late has led some to think I have quit all together. No, still at it just distracted by life. It happens.

The CT scan went fine. I won’t know any results until I meet with the doc again, probably next week.  Hopefully, I’ll have a better answer and treatment for my lovely eyeball. I’ve been noticing ever so slight changes to my vision and not for the better. What I used to only randomly notice is now causing slight changes in the way I see things. I’m still far from my every day vision being affected but still concerning. The doc’s office is supposed to call this next week for the follow up appointment. I can clearly see the difference in the alignment in my eyes now as well.

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Continuing in random updates, things are still awesome at home. The Pup (Shawn) and I are doing wonderful. Contentment is a very good thing. I never thought I’d be this content in life. I simply cannot imagine life without him.

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Cooper is still sassy as ever. He has successfully worked his magic on Shawn and won him over. I don’t think Shawn was 100% sold at first but he is now. heehee He routinely points out one of Cooper‘s many adorable faces. Anyway, other than his ongoing skin issues, Cooper Pooper is doing exceedingly well.

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I am STILL trying to get my fat ass back into a consistent gym schedule. Afore mentioned contendedness has affected my motivation to go to the gym in a big way. lol There are worser things I guess. So I’m adding the dreaded cardio into my routine and trying to get back down to where I like to be weight wise. The motivation has been coming back, albeit slowly.

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I still have things go blog about. Almost daily I’m like, “I should blog about that” but I get distracted and move on to other things. lol I guess it is good that life is busy and keeps me focused.

Sinus

In my continuing eye saga, turns out I don’t have any eye muscle problems either. Actually, my right eye is now 4 cm lower than my left eye. This is what is causing my double vision.1

The MRI revealed good and bad news. Good news, my brain is clean of tumors, cysts, or legions. Oh and it looked really pretty too! haha  Seriously, this was a big worry for me. Being adopted, I do not know any of my medical history. It was very comforting to know I don’t have ‘da tuma’s.’ as my Maw-maw use to call’em.

The bad news is they did discover a large fluid filled object under my right eye. It looked to be about half the size of a golf ball. The doc thinks it is left over from some previous sinus infection. It tends to look more fluid than mass so probably not a benign tumor.2

In a dramatic turn of events, leave it to me to go one step further and have something even more bizarre wrong with me. There was no apparent bone under my right eye socket. The doc said in 30 years he had never seen a case like mine. Go figure. Anyway, this could be part of why the eye is suddently dropping. I’m off to get a CAT scan later today to see if the bone was somehow blocked by the fluid or if it is truly missing. The latter will determine if I need two surgeries or one to fix the problem. The first procedure isn’t really a surgery as much as going in to clean out the mess. After they slurp it all out and test it, I’ll mostly likely have to go back for a surgery to replace  the missing bone with a metal plate or a mesh. (If it is indeed missing)

On a tangent, I’ve had two motorcycle accidents in the last 10 years and neither resulted in face or head trauma. He said had I actually broken the bone in either accident, I would have had significant swelling. Going back further the only eye trauma I can think of was being sucker-punched in Jr high school by a bully. It was last day of 7th grade and when we all jumped up to leave, he popped out and punched me right in the face. I had a very large bruise for quite some time afterwards. (Oh and that little stunt got him expelled permanently.) Beyond that, I can’t think of much face or eye trauma that could have broken the bones. Of course, I’m wondering if I never had it for some odd reason and the sinus issue only brought it forward? Who knows.

The doc thinks I’ll see a 100% improvement in my vision after the surgery. He also indicated both procedures wouldn’t debilitate me for more than a couple days at most. And I can still wear contacts for the slight eye problems I did discover at my original visit to the Optometrist.

For now, the saga continues.




  1. It’s only when I look at sharp angles but he did say it would not go away on it’s own. []
  2. Tumors rarely look perfectly shaped. They often have tendrils and branches []

Eye

No more glasses for a while. Turns out my eye-fix isn’t going to be as easy as previously thought. I got my glasses and they were nice but didn’t really seem to be helping my main problem, diplopia (double vision).

On the follow up visit, when I explained the issue it was discovered I have more of a eye muscle problem vs actual vision issues. Ok, to be fair, I still have the slight near-sightedness and astigmatism but those are much more minor and require very little fix.

I got referred to a specialist who was a very nice Russian fella. And yeah, I do have some eye muscle issues. My left eye is a bit out of sync when looking at strong odd angles. If I tilt my head down while looking upward I get strong double images. Left or right, is the same to a lesser degree. The fix would be glasses with prism support to force the eyes back into alignment.

The doc mentioned a possible thyroid related problem that sometimes causes said problem. He sent me off for some blood work. I looked it up and should it turn out to be related to that, it usually goes away with treatment. I don’t really have the other issues that come from hyperthyroidism but it will be nice to rule it out.

He is actually sending me out to get an MRI. While no indicators, he wants to make sure there are no brain (read ‘tumor’) problems. Being adopted, I know nothing of my hereditary issues so it’s always a bit worrisome for me. I was a tiny bit concerned but not having any other symptoms is also reassuring.

The most likely scenario is I’ll end up with a different prescription to correct my vision. Even better, he said I’d still be able to get contacts with the prism support!

Blood work is done and the MRI is in two weeks. The follow up with the specialist is a few days after that. Hopefully, I’ll have some definitive answers by the middle of August.

Care

Sort of related to my last post, I’ve been looking toward the future. It’s funny, as a kid, I never imagined old age. I guess that is to be expected in your youth. I mean who really thinks of retirement in their 20’s?  Most of my 20’s were pretty rough so probably even more so for me. And while I’m far from ancient, I am at an age where one certainly begin to thinks of the future. I’m nowhere near retirement but the idea of such a thing no longer seems foreign.

Being in civil service and unionized does come with some benefits. I’m fortunate to get good health and life insurance. I’m ‘vested’1 so when I do finally retire, I’ll have a paycheck for the rest of my life. This comes on top of social security (if it still exists by then). It is comforting to know I won’t have to worry too much when I retire. Granted, I won’t be living the high life, but I also won’t be eating out of cat tins. Growing up very poor I usually avoided the thought of what retirement would be like. If I’m being truthful, in my 20’s when I did think of retirement I figured I’d just off myself when I got old so I wouldn’t be a burden. Yes, I know how awful that sounds now but youth isn’t always about being smart. For you long time readers, you know my first 25 years weren’t so rosy.

Anyway, as I look to the future I worry for The Pup. God forbid anything should happen to me, but since I am older I want to make sure he is taken care of in the event of my death. Granted, he isn’t one who needs to be ‘taken care’ of but you get my point. It has always been my nature to take care of those I love so this is just an extension of that. It gives me great comfort to know he’ll be ok in the event something does happen to me. Of course, when we do get married he’ll be eligible to get my pension just like a straight couple would. (There are profound benefits for the LGBT community finally acheiving equality under the law, this being just one.) 

I guess going from having nothing as a kid to my current status, it gives me a strong sense of pride and accomplishment.




  1. I’ve worked the required number of years to qualify for a pension []

Day

I keep getting random questions on the wedding date. We haven’t yet set a date. I can tell you it won’t be until next year sometime. Neither he nor I are in any hurry. The engagement was sort of the finalization of what we both knew we wanted. For myself, I knew pretty early I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no doubt it will happen so I don’t feel any pressure to rush it. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the legal protections it provided, I think we might skip it. We both realize it is meant to symobilze our commitment vs create it. I know what is important to me and I have it. In a word, him. He is all that matters.

It’s funny because I never thought I’d actually be able to get legally married. If you had told me 10 years ago, I’d someday soon have the right, I’d have laughed. It is has been very gratifying to see such an abrupt change in our acceptance. The speed of it has been a historical oddity unto itself. So now I am faced with the unexpected but welcome reality of having the same choices as everyone else. But having the option doesn’t necessarily mean I should run out and tie the knot. Taking the time to solidify our relationship is more important than the labels or names we attach to it. I’m already married in my heart and that is enough for now.

Of course, on the flip side, I don’t wanna get married while I’m still working on a chunk of debt. It wouldn’t bother him but I just don’t like the idea of him suddenly being responsible for my debts if something were to happen to me. He had nothing to do with it and certainly doesn’t deserve to be responsible for it. With the exception of his condo, he is all but debt free. I’m a little envious. lol I chose the path that led to my current debt so I’m not complaining, but I wouldn’t want that on his shoulders. So part of the waiting is from a practical stand point. I think in a way it keeps me from getting all fuzzy and rushing it.

Anway, I’ll be sure to post info here about the big event. 

Sight

I’m reminded of the Thundercats cartoon as I write my rant today. Not exactly sure why but the comment from Lyono, “Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight.” *giggle* Anyway, my old ass had to finally break down and go get an eye exam this past weekend. Ironically, my sight isn’t as bad as I thought but I have two different problems which seem to interfere with each other. Said interference is what led me to believe my sight was awful.

I have a slight astigmatism in my left eye and a slight near-sightedness in my right eye. One causes me to see double vision from time to time1 and the other causes me to see text a bit blurry from time to time. Both are very minor so far and only require small corrections. But because the fix for one can interfere with the other I had to get a pricier version of my glasses/contacts. Naturally, I had to have an issue that required more than my insurance allowance.

I could have been a stingy ass and not gotten glasses at the location where I got the exam but knowing they make most of their money off of the glasses, I opted for my first pair there. My insurance covered the bulk of the cost. The contacts are covered as a “secondary pair” but are also covered less.  I left with having only forked over $200 out of pocket. Most of that went to cover my frames.2 The contacts arrive later this week and the glasses the following week. The frames I chose are rather fragile looking but are supposed to be very durable and remember their shape. Considering I ride a motorcycle we will put that statement to the test.

The optometrist was so funny. She was slightly older and could have totally been a valley girl in her youth. She was very nice and covered every possible question I could have asked. We discussed my options since I ride a motorcycle and work behind a computer screen all day. I had thought of getting the contacts for the motorcycle (the distance fix) and the glasses for the reading. Sadly, that wasn’t a good choice as I couldn’t wear the glasses over the contacts at work. Again, leave it to me to have issues that conflict with each other. 

I technically don’t even need to wear them that often. I’m hoping the contacts work out as I can see trouble for the frames. The lenses have to be multi-focal and I get to go thru a trial week to see how I do. Apparently, adjusting to multi-focal contacts are harder than glasses. If I can’t adjust, I’ll have to go to a glasses-only approach. Again, I’m really hoping the contacts work out.

The eye-dilation procedure was a bit scary. It made everything super blurry and omfg did the light hurt! They gave me those little wrap around your face sunglasses to walk home in and event the 4 block walk almost did me in! Holy hell!  I was so teary-eyed by the time I got to the apartment I had to stand in the entry way for about 10 minutes to let my eyes readjust.

Of course, I’ll post pics! heehee




  1. mostly when I turn my head at odd angles to see far or really close []
  2. Read designer frames that I could have easily done with out. Sometimes, I think I am just too generous and thoughtful. []