Still

​It appears le blog is still being subjected to random brute force attacks. If you notice long load times or get a "500 internal server" error message, it is because I’m being timed out by the server to prevent it from crashing.1 I’m not gone, just try again in a bit and it will be back. If you get updates via RSS, you shouldn’t notice any issues.

I keep getting grumpy notes from my ISP about my server CPU stats. It isn’t me specifically that is being targeted. I’m nothing special in the grand scheme of the big interwebs. However, WordPress has some weak areas that bots and hackers routinely try to take advantage of to proliferate s p @ m. They basically take advantage of inherent internet workings to overload a server with too many page requests.

Anyway, I’m having to step up my game a bit. I’ve turned on site-caching from the server instead of from within WP. This just means a visitor gets served a cached copy of my index page vs the server rendering a file from scratch every time someone visits. Loading a static file only consumes bandwidth vs compiling php files on each request. The cache file gets updated every time I create a new post.

Hopefully, this will cut way back on the server load. If the problem continues, I’ll most likely move my blog to WP servers. They do a lot of work on the back end to prevent this sort of nonsense. I mean it is their product so it makes sense. lol My ISP helps when I ask but they are smaller and leave most of the burden on me. I simply don’t have the resources to combat such things.

Time will tell.




  1. Nifty little protection mechanism I didn’t even know servers did that. lol []

Better

The wonky eye saga continues.

As previously mentioned the last eye surgery was a success. It fixed the structural problem with my right eye. Sadly, the diplopia has not disappeared. I should clarify it is much improved but I’m still having some issues. The doc who did the surgery doesn’t deal with that so I’ve been referred to yet another doctor. This will be doctor #5 in the series.

I put off contacting him as there is still a chance my eyes my just readjust on their own. It seems the eyes are improving ever so slightly every month. It is possible that they my slowly go back to normal given enough time. That said, I’m just not willing to wait that long. And to be fair, it has gone from a chronic problem to a minor annoyance. It only affects the extreme angles of my vision now.

Anyway, the new doctor deals with eye muscle problems and possible rehabilitation of the muscle. I’m hoping it doesn’t require another surgery and its looking like it won’t. He is booking a month out so won’t even get to see him till late March. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the eyes will be even better by then.

Of course, I still have the underlying vision issues that started this whole caper. My right eye happens to be the weaker of the two in vision as well. It’s minor but the combo of weakness and double vision is what makes it so frustrating at times.

I’ve finally reached a point where I can wear my glassed pretty much all day w/o getting severe headaches. I’m down to a dull ache after a day of wear. I’m forcing myself to get used to them so I can switch over to contacts permanently. Luckily, I’m still eligible for contacts. I go back to see the optometrist in a week. They’ll recheck my eyes and if no major prescription changes, I’ll get my contacts within the month.

I’ve noticed that if I wear my glasses for awhile, the next day my vision seems slightly better. I’m wondering how common such an occurrence is? Is it possible to wear glasses to temporarily retrain you vision and then not need them anymore? I’m sure the Opt doc can tell me.

Cooper

Cooper is doing well. He is approaching

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Nap Buddies

his 6th birthday. Can you believe it? My little pooper is all grown up now. I hope all the love has washed away those bad memories of when he was young and left alone. Bullies aren’t overly bright but they do have long memories. Anyway, I’ve been very pleased with his progress and continued health. He has yet to develop or even exhibit any major health problems that bullies are prone to. Thank the stars!

His hearing is still good and has shown no signs of declining. He has issues with certain tones but that hasn’t gotten any worse.

His skin, of course, is an every present concern. Being white makes it worse. We did discover that letting him go longer w/o baths makes combating his skin issues easier. His natural oils help ward off the never ending staff flare ups.

He did manage to hurt himself a little bit recently. We occasionally let him on the bed in the mornings. He likes to hop up and curl up with us. Some days though he’ll get overly excited and the moment he thinks we are getting up, he’ll run and jump and land on the floor. He managed to strain a muscle or ligament the last time he did it. He earned himself a few days of minor limping. He’s better but he just gets so excited at times he forgets he isn’t super dog. hehehe We’re actually thinking of lowering the bed to prevent it. Of course, this means making even easier for him to get IN the bed.

Beyond his misadventures, life is good for the Cooper. He still brings me love and makes me laugh every day. You can see from the pic, he still loves his naps. Shawn still finds it hard to believe he doesn’t suffer when we are gone. While the Coop certainly wishes we were home, he routinely sleeps pretty much the whole time. Hell, he pretty much sleeps the whole time even when we are home. If he isn’t begging for a treat or slobbering on our legs, he is usually asleep.

Instagram

​I’ve developed a sick fascination for the narcissism that is Instagram. Everyone is either a bodybuilder, nutrition expert, model, nail stylist, world traveler, or self-proclaimed selfie-deity.

One has to only tap over to the search tab and scroll thru the recommendation list to see the side-show of profiles. It is like reality tv in pictures (and 20 second vids). You get porn stars praising god, women trying to emulate skank Kardash-whatever-her-stupid-name-is, guys who think they are ‘gangstas,’ and sadly, even the stupid memes you see all over FB. It is all of that and a healthy mix of random folks who just like to take pictures and share. Of course, you can follow friends as well.

I tend to be against storing all my stuff on ‘other’ peoples sites but since I filter it back to my photoblog, even if I delete it, I still have all my pics.

Be warned though, FB has clearly integrated it on the back end. The moment you start adding friends or likes on IG, your FB suggestions updates with many of the same folks who happen to be on FB as well.

Beyond the sick fascination, I find using IG fills the void that used to be FB. I mean something has to fill the void right? hehehe

On a tangent, does anyone know why the hashtag is #instagay instead of just #gay? Is it because of abuse?

VA

VA is our code for vacation time on the books. For the first time in 14 years (as of April), I am eligible to take the week between xmas and NYE off! And by eligible, I mean I have enough seniority to grab the slot before it gets snapped up. I’m not sure why but I’m overly tickled by that. hehehe​ I feel like I have "made it" so to speak.

I’m changing schedules in March for our bi-annual sign up. Now that Shawn has weekends off, I get to go back to a weekend slot and slightly later hours. Both options are nicer for me. The down side is I’m officially on ‘swing shift’ again which always tends to have more internal drama. I’m not quite sure why.

Having Fri/Sat/Sun’s off will be nice again though. I am looking forward to it.

Game

A very kind reader of my blog sent me a free download to the Destiny game. I thought that was very sweet considering the game is not cheap. Said person didn’t use any emails that have previously been associated with my blog1 so they truly are anonymous. dang it! lol Since I can’t figure out who you are, dear anonymous benefactor, thank you very much for such a kind gift.

I’ve lamented since Shawn and I started playing that I wish I could transfer my game play from PS4 to XOne. The game came bundled with the PS4 so it didn’t make sense to buy it again. The game is not cross-platform so I stuck with playing it on the PS4. I’m already back up to level 29.

When Shawn and I played the demo, it was on the One. When I popped the game in the server apparently remembered and gave me a free legendary heavy weapon right off the bat. Said weapon couldn’t be used until I got back to at least level 20 but it was a nice surprise. The games are pretty much identical in game play, as they should be. I’ve noticed slight differences in the shading but beyond that visually it seems the same. I will say the game seems smoother and slightly faster on the One. The load times are slightly faster and the response from the controls seems a little more fluid. Otherwise, there is very little difference.

If you play, I’m not big on the Vault of Glass (VOG) battle but always like Strike missions. I help or don’t mind being helped on strike missions and/or daily/weekly missions. My handle on both One and PS4 is ibod8x5.2 If you want to join a game or me to join you and are not on my friend list, please message me first. I ignore random game/friend invites from people I don’t recognize. This is primarily to avoid much of the juvenile behavior from a lot of online gamers. Since VOG requires 6 players, you’ll also get flooded with requests once you hit level 29 or 30.

So thanks again dear anonymous. As you can tell, your gift is not going to waste.




  1. I looked! lol []
  2. As it is pretty much anywhere online. Remind me to tell you the story about my coworkers discovering my online handle. heehee []

Family

This post has turned out to be a lot harder to write than I originally thought it would be. I’m digging into my past again and stirring up old memories. It is no secret I’ve never had very close family ties beyond my younger brother. I keep in loose contact w/my other siblings but my younger brother has always been the glue holding me to the family.

In a moment of ‘something’, I recently added my little brother to my FB profile. This of course creates a gateway to the rest of the extended family that he routinely communicates with. I’m still mixed up about it but I think it is time to either open the bridge to the extended family or tear it down completely.

Backing up a bit for a little history lesson, I was adopted as an infant. My foster mom died when I was around 5 years old. My dad re-married a few years later, my younger brother’s mom. I love my younger brother and I never once resented him but after he was born my step-mother changed. I never understood it then and I still don’t now. After his birth any feelings she had for me turned to resentment. And in that resentment she made my life a living hell. There are no words to explain the mental torment she put me thru on a daily basis for years. She was, and still is to a degree, the only person I ever truly hated in this life. She tormented me so much that at one brief moment somewhere around 10 or 12 I almost poisoned her to death. I covered the gory details in a previous post years ago. To this day I still bear the shame that I could even consider such an idea. But as a child then it seemed like the only escape. Even a child’s id eventually snaps. My younger brother of course doesn’t remember a lot of what I went thru. He was simply too young. And I know it hurts him to hear it so I’ve always avoided the subject with him.

It should come as no surprise now to know that when I did leave home it was freedom! I was finally free and she would never be able to hurt me again.1  Leaving early cost me as much as I gained. I spent a couple years being homeless in pursuit of stability. But even that wasn’t enough to send me back. I don’t think there was anything that could have driven me back. Frankly, I would have rather lived on the streets for the rest of my life than go back to the misery of before.

Later, after I moved to SF in my early thirties I struggled to find myself. Having finally gained some financial stability, I turned my attentions inward in an attempt to discover what type of man I wanted to become. I felt like a blank slate waiting for an imprint. I spent the better part of a decade conquering the insecurities and demons from childhood. I replaced self-loathing and abandonment with confidence and integrity built on the knowledge of who I am. I shed the ignorance and fear that crippled me for so long in my life.

For all my struggles over the years, I’ve kept a wall between myself and my extended family. It wasn’t hard. Distance, time, and logistics made it easy.  And to be honest, I resented them for many years. It doesn’t matter now that that resentment was misplaced. I was a child. I resented them because they saw what she did to me. In my eyes back then they saw what she did and yet did nothing. I can remember time and time again feeling elated and excited when the extended family would visit. It meant a reprieve from the mental abuse and I got much needed interactions. God, I must have looked so pathetic back then. This doe-eyed child practically begging for any scrap of attention. I also remember the absolute despair that would grip me when they left. When they left to go home it meant my reprieve was over. I guess it is no surprise I resented them somewhat.

But I am a man now and the pains of childhood are a distant memory. I harbor no more resentments. I harbor no fear over their acceptance of me, or not. They will or they won’t. That is their path. My life is my own and I will live it honestly and without fear.

Ironically, and on somewhat of a tangent, most of the extended family I miss were on my step-mother’s side. I learned many years later my adoption created a rift in my foster family. My foster mom’s family was very much against it. However, since it was my foster mom who made the decision, you can see why thy were distant. My dad’s side was more connected but living in a remote rural area and most of them being poor meant less contact. My step-family were a tad better off and we saw much more of them over the years. I guess it makes sense.

Back on point, it is time to shed the last of my walled gardens, so to speak. No matter the outcome, I will still be standing.

And you should know what I’m about to say now. hehehe 

Hope springs eternal…




  1. Sadly, even that turned out not to be true. []

Shop

I am not a big fan of clothes shopping. So much so that I often go for months (sometimes years) without shopping for myself. I’ll go at the drop of hat for someone else, aka Shawn, but not for myself. I don’t think I got that part of the gay gene. hehehe Growing up poor made the idea of shopping a bit of a struggle. In my early days, having never had much, any time I got money I’d spent it all right away. The need for survival back then taught me the error of my ways, so to speak.1

I went thru a phase after moving to SF where I had the money but I didn’t spend it out of fear of the unknown. I was always worried about the what if scenarios. It was then that I started forcing myself to go shopping on a regular basis. And it worked for awhile. It helped that my ex went into the t-shirt business while we were together. I had a plethora of shirts at my disposal. And to show you what I mean, that ended 3-4 years ago and I am still wearing some of the shirts he made me.

Fast forward to now and I’m back to my old habits. I had to force myself to go out jean shopping this past weekend. And it was only because I realized I was down to 2 pair. I hated it. I got some of the gay gene as I care enough to spend time looking for a pair that I think looks good on me. Said care drags the process out. Yet, I’m not one of those that has to spend the whole day looking for the perfect pair. If I don’t find a good fit after a few stores, I’ll just give up. I’d love to just walk in, grab a pair and leave. Sadly, I got burned on that several times. Clothing vendors never seem to stick to sizing standards so even the same brand sometimes fits me in different sizes.

Anyway, I got a couple new pair. They should last me another few years.




  1. If you ask Shawn, he’ll tell you I still spend too much. LOL []

Resolute-toot

I’m not big on NY resolutions anymore as it seems a bit contrived and so few people really follow thru anyway. I do; however, try on an ongoing basis to improve myself.

Looking forward this year, I think one of my goals will be less time on social media. Sadly, social media isn’t about communication anymore. It is a plaform for an individual to spew their own bias and expect reinforced support via comments/likes. I spend way too much time trying to point out distinctions that matter.

Subjective validation is all the rage and it has become very apparent to me no one cares about facts or details. Issue dejour must be devoured, judged, and spewed forth with outrage and angst and then summarilty forgotten. Exeryone expects something be done while continuing on their own path of indifference. Successful discourse is discouraged and chastized. And integrity and honesty are just buzzwords to be bandied about like so much other tripe.

​I’d rather focus on my own life more and lead by example. It sound so negative but I don’t mean it that way. I just need to stop wasting time on things I can’t control. Of course part of me says I just follow the wrong people. Maybe I should be more selective about who I follow and let follow me? *thought bubbles..thought bubbles…thought bubbles….* *Pop* Naaaaaaaaah. LOL

​My only other new goal this year is to try to get out more. Shawn and I are very comfortable being home-bodies. I think we are a wee bit too comfortable now. lol It’s time to get out a bit more and be active. Beyond that, I’m focused on the normal things: lower debt, better health, eating better, etc.

Anyone else making big new years plans?

NY

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One has to only look at the pic to know

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Me and the Pup

what the focus of my new year has been. March will be the 2 year mark that Shawn and I have been together and I couldn’t be happier. Things are still awesome and I’m still grinning ear to ear.

2014 has been a good year for me. Shawn and I are still doing awesome. I’m sloooooowly converting him to life in SF and as much as he hates to admit it, he is adjusting. hehehe Cooper is still strong and healthy. Overall, I’m healthy1 and doing well. Beyond that, life is just simple right now. In many ways it is totally boring but we are boring together and that’s what counts.

This year saw me threw 2 separate eye surgeries, both of which I came out of just fine. The eye is still a bit of an issue but it seems things are getting better. It will be months before I know if an additional surgery is required. I’m optimistic my busted eye will fall in line and I won’t have to have the extra surgery. *Crossed fingers*

I need to get my squishy ass back into the gym more. Now that the surgeries are over, I’m trying to get back into it. All my pants are getting tight. lol

*

Looking forward, I’m eager for the next year with Shawn. I’m so happy sometimes I think i worry too much something will happen to ruin it. Old habits die hard and old demons die harder but I’m settling into the contentment that is my life right now. ​

I hope you that you and yours are doing well. I wish you all a very happy, loved, and prosperous new year!




  1. even though I feel all squishy from missing the gym too much []