In my continuing eye saga, turns out I don’t have any eye muscle problems either. Actually, my right eye is now 4 cm lower than my left eye. This is what is causing my double vision.1

The MRI revealed good and bad news. Good news, my brain is clean of tumors, cysts, or legions. Oh and it looked really pretty too! haha  Seriously, this was a big worry for me. Being adopted, I do not know any of my medical history. It was very comforting to know I don’t have ‘da tuma’s.’ as my Maw-maw use to call’em.

The bad news is they did discover a large fluid filled object under my right eye. It looked to be about half the size of a golf ball. The doc thinks it is left over from some previous sinus infection. It tends to look more fluid than mass so probably not a benign tumor.2

In a dramatic turn of events, leave it to me to go one step further and have something even more bizarre wrong with me. There was no apparent bone under my right eye socket. The doc said in 30 years he had never seen a case like mine. Go figure. Anyway, this could be part of why the eye is suddently dropping. I’m off to get a CAT scan later today to see if the bone was somehow blocked by the fluid or if it is truly missing. The latter will determine if I need two surgeries or one to fix the problem. The first procedure isn’t really a surgery as much as going in to clean out the mess. After they slurp it all out and test it, I’ll mostly likely have to go back for a surgery to replace  the missing bone with a metal plate or a mesh. (If it is indeed missing)

On a tangent, I’ve had two motorcycle accidents in the last 10 years and neither resulted in face or head trauma. He said had I actually broken the bone in either accident, I would have had significant swelling. Going back further the only eye trauma I can think of was being sucker-punched in Jr high school by a bully. It was last day of 7th grade and when we all jumped up to leave, he popped out and punched me right in the face. I had a very large bruise for quite some time afterwards. (Oh and that little stunt got him expelled permanently.) Beyond that, I can’t think of much face or eye trauma that could have broken the bones. Of course, I’m wondering if I never had it for some odd reason and the sinus issue only brought it forward? Who knows.

The doc thinks I’ll see a 100% improvement in my vision after the surgery. He also indicated both procedures wouldn’t debilitate me for more than a couple days at most. And I can still wear contacts for the slight eye problems I did discover at my original visit to the Optometrist.

For now, the saga continues.

  1. It’s only when I look at sharp angles but he did say it would not go away on it’s own. []
  2. Tumors rarely look perfectly shaped. They often have tendrils and branches []


No more glasses for a while. Turns out my eye-fix isn’t going to be as easy as previously thought. I got my glasses and they were nice but didn’t really seem to be helping my main problem, diplopia (double vision).

On the follow up visit, when I explained the issue it was discovered I have more of a eye muscle problem vs actual vision issues. Ok, to be fair, I still have the slight near-sightedness and astigmatism but those are much more minor and require very little fix.

I got referred to a specialist who was a very nice Russian fella. And yeah, I do have some eye muscle issues. My left eye is a bit out of sync when looking at strong odd angles. If I tilt my head down while looking upward I get strong double images. Left or right, is the same to a lesser degree. The fix would be glasses with prism support to force the eyes back into alignment.

The doc mentioned a possible thyroid related problem that sometimes causes said problem. He sent me off for some blood work. I looked it up and should it turn out to be related to that, it usually goes away with treatment. I don’t really have the other issues that come from hyperthyroidism but it will be nice to rule it out.

He is actually sending me out to get an MRI. While no indicators, he wants to make sure there are no brain (read ‘tumor’) problems. Being adopted, I know nothing of my hereditary issues so it’s always a bit worrisome for me. I was a tiny bit concerned but not having any other symptoms is also reassuring.

The most likely scenario is I’ll end up with a different prescription to correct my vision. Even better, he said I’d still be able to get contacts with the prism support!

Blood work is done and the MRI is in two weeks. The follow up with the specialist is a few days after that. Hopefully, I’ll have some definitive answers by the middle of August.


Sort of related to my last post, I’ve been looking toward the future. It’s funny, as a kid, I never imagined old age. I guess that is to be expected in your youth. I mean who really thinks of retirement in their 20′s?  Most of my 20′s were pretty rough so probably even more so for me. And while I’m far from ancient, I am at an age where one certainly begin to thinks of the future. I’m nowhere near retirement but the idea of such a thing no longer seems foreign.

Being in civil service and unionized does come with some benefits. I’m fortunate to get good health and life insurance. I’m ‘vested’1 so when I do finally retire, I’ll have a paycheck for the rest of my life. This comes on top of social security (if it still exists by then). It is comforting to know I won’t have to worry too much when I retire. Granted, I won’t be living the high life, but I also won’t be eating out of cat tins. Growing up very poor I usually avoided the thought of what retirement would be like. If I’m being truthful, in my 20′s when I did think of retirement I figured I’d just off myself when I got old so I wouldn’t be a burden. Yes, I know how awful that sounds now but youth isn’t always about being smart. For you long time readers, you know my first 25 years weren’t so rosy.

Anyway, as I look to the future I worry for The Pup. God forbid anything should happen to me, but since I am older I want to make sure he is taken care of in the event of my death. Granted, he isn’t one who needs to be ‘taken care’ of but you get my point. It has always been my nature to take care of those I love so this is just an extension of that. It gives me great comfort to know he’ll be ok in the event something does happen to me. Of course, when we do get married he’ll be eligible to get my pension just like a straight couple would. (There are profound benefits for the LGBT community finally acheiving equality under the law, this being just one.) 

I guess going from having nothing as a kid to my current status, it gives me a strong sense of pride and accomplishment.

  1. I’ve worked the required number of years to qualify for a pension []


I keep getting random questions on the wedding date. We haven’t yet set a date. I can tell you it won’t be until next year sometime. Neither he nor I are in any hurry. The engagement was sort of the finalization of what we both knew we wanted. For myself, I knew pretty early I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no doubt it will happen so I don’t feel any pressure to rush it. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the legal protections it provided, I think we might skip it. We both realize it is meant to symobilze our commitment vs create it. I know what is important to me and I have it. In a word, him. He is all that matters.

It’s funny because I never thought I’d actually be able to get legally married. If you had told me 10 years ago, I’d someday soon have the right, I’d have laughed. It is has been very gratifying to see such an abrupt change in our acceptance. The speed of it has been a historical oddity unto itself. So now I am faced with the unexpected but welcome reality of having the same choices as everyone else. But having the option doesn’t necessarily mean I should run out and tie the knot. Taking the time to solidify our relationship is more important than the labels or names we attach to it. I’m already married in my heart and that is enough for now.

Of course, on the flip side, I don’t wanna get married while I’m still working on a chunk of debt. It wouldn’t bother him but I just don’t like the idea of him suddenly being responsible for my debts if something were to happen to me. He had nothing to do with it and certainly doesn’t deserve to be responsible for it. With the exception of his condo, he is all but debt free. I’m a little envious. lol I chose the path that led to my current debt so I’m not complaining, but I wouldn’t want that on his shoulders. So part of the waiting is from a practical stand point. I think in a way it keeps me from getting all fuzzy and rushing it.

Anway, I’ll be sure to post info here about the big event. 


I’m reminded of the Thundercats cartoon as I write my rant today. Not exactly sure why but the comment from Lyono, “Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight.” *giggle* Anyway, my old ass had to finally break down and go get an eye exam this past weekend. Ironically, my sight isn’t as bad as I thought but I have two different problems which seem to interfere with each other. Said interference is what led me to believe my sight was awful.

I have a slight astigmatism in my left eye and a slight near-sightedness in my right eye. One causes me to see double vision from time to time1 and the other causes me to see text a bit blurry from time to time. Both are very minor so far and only require small corrections. But because the fix for one can interfere with the other I had to get a pricier version of my glasses/contacts. Naturally, I had to have an issue that required more than my insurance allowance.

I could have been a stingy ass and not gotten glasses at the location where I got the exam but knowing they make most of their money off of the glasses, I opted for my first pair there. My insurance covered the bulk of the cost. The contacts are covered as a “secondary pair” but are also covered less.  I left with having only forked over $200 out of pocket. Most of that went to cover my frames.2 The contacts arrive later this week and the glasses the following week. The frames I chose are rather fragile looking but are supposed to be very durable and remember their shape. Considering I ride a motorcycle we will put that statement to the test.

The optometrist was so funny. She was slightly older and could have totally been a valley girl in her youth. She was very nice and covered every possible question I could have asked. We discussed my options since I ride a motorcycle and work behind a computer screen all day. I had thought of getting the contacts for the motorcycle (the distance fix) and the glasses for the reading. Sadly, that wasn’t a good choice as I couldn’t wear the glasses over the contacts at work. Again, leave it to me to have issues that conflict with each other. 

I technically don’t even need to wear them that often. I’m hoping the contacts work out as I can see trouble for the frames. The lenses have to be multi-focal and I get to go thru a trial week to see how I do. Apparently, adjusting to multi-focal contacts are harder than glasses. If I can’t adjust, I’ll have to go to a glasses-only approach. Again, I’m really hoping the contacts work out.

The eye-dilation procedure was a bit scary. It made everything super blurry and omfg did the light hurt! They gave me those little wrap around your face sunglasses to walk home in and event the 4 block walk almost did me in! Holy hell!  I was so teary-eyed by the time I got to the apartment I had to stand in the entry way for about 10 minutes to let my eyes readjust.

Of course, I’ll post pics! heehee

  1. mostly when I turn my head at odd angles to see far or really close []
  2. Read designer frames that I could have easily done with out. Sometimes, I think I am just too generous and thoughtful. []


In the vein of my last post I thought I share some follow up observations. Pride as a celebration/protest/march/event has changed. It continues to change every year. This should not be a surprise as our community has seen the fastest change in acceptance of any civil rights struggle in the last century. What Pride means to me is different from someone experiencing Pride for the first time. And of course, Pride as an event as always been a bit subjective. For some it is a celebration, for others it is a protest, and for some still it is an act of defiance.

The Pup and I did our first Pride together this year and I still found myself getting a little choked up. To my surprise, he mentioned to me later that he had as well. I often spend as much time looking out across the see of attendees as I do the parade participants. Looking out across the sea of people still gets to me every time. It reminds me of where I came from and where we are headed. It doesn’t matter if they represent me or look/act like me. No matter our differences in life, I always feel connected to them in a common thread that is humanity. We are all but mainstream now. For some that is a blessing and others see it as a curse. Either way, our often treasured events are no longer just ours. They are shared by others, some who just come to party. I don’t begrudge them.1  For me, Pride will always be a celebration of that dawning realization I was not alone.

That being said, the Pride of the 70′s/80′s/90′s is gone. As with life, all things change and as fast as we change, so does our celebrations. I do lament that many of the younger generation will never take the time to know the struggle of those before. They won’t know the pain, the heartache, and even death of the many souls who fought for us to be seen as humans; deserving of the same respect and treatment as our straight brethren. But having freedom doesn’t mean others should comply with my way of thinking or acting. The alphabet of letters we’ve assigned ourselves and others are all welcome at the table. Just as freedom should not be contingent on compliance or conformance, neither should equality.

Many of my frustrations with Pride (and other gay events) has little to do with us as a community and more with society as a whole. We devolving in many ways. If we don’t pull away from the indifference, selfishness, and anti-intellectualism that is plaguing our society, we are in big trouble. I fear for ‘our’ celebrations because of this. But I digress. Our own alphabet community, while tied together in common struggle, is beginning to unravel and fight against itself. Having tasted the sweet fruit of equality, we are abandoning our tolerance and acceptance of our differences. We see the world thru the lens of black and white and anyone who would disagree, even in the slightest, is often labeled the enemy.

There is an emergent polarization erupting in our rainbow colored spectrum. We have those who embrace our newfound equality and those who rail against it. The former are labeled sellouts and conformists and the latter are labeled freaks and anarchists. While both labels may be true in some instances, such overly broad generalizations are not helpful. Some of the antics from both sides in the last year have made me ashamed to be called gay.

Each of us is responsible for our actions. We can choose to mire ourselves in the obscurity of the masses because it is easy and comfortable. Or we can choose to lead a path of truth, even when it isn’t always convenient. You have to ask yourself, which path are you on?

  1. Even if I begrudge some of their drunken antics []

GHHD 2014

So the GHHDs1 are fast approaching. Pride is just around the corner. It was around this time a year ago that it dawned my dumb as that I was in love with a man, aka The Pup. He was in NY and I was in SF. So Pride has a sort of an additional meaning for me now. hehehe 

It was also the time when the shameful Prop 8 was thrown out in California. Pride in California took on an additional meaning as a result. I think this year’s Pride will be equally significant as every single state in the Union has either had rulings that same-sex marriage bans are unconstitutional or currently have lawsuits working thru the courts to that end. I think it is safe to say that the tide has turned in the fight. It isn’t over but it is no longer an uphill battle IMO. We still have a hill to climb in the fight for equality for our transgendered brethren.2 

The Pup and I are headed down to Phoenix the week prior. I get to meet his parents for the  first time. I’m not at all nervous as I have him so I’m cool. He is looking forward to the trip. It will be his first time back since the move to SF. We’ll be back in time for Pride here. Phoenix celebrates their Pride much later. I’m sure due to the extreme heat in the summer months. Anyway, we don’t have anything major planned. I’m sure we’ll go to the parade and the fair for a bit.
And right on cue, the whole Pride-bashing brigade is in full swing. It happens every year now and frankly I’m sick of it. I’ve tried to gently educate folks over the years but I’m over the entitled self-serving attitudes. If you don’t like it, don’t go. But, shut your pie hole about trying to say no one else deserves or benefits from it. If you don’t think we need pride anymore than I encourage you to hop over and read this. When these attitudes and problems are no longer prevalent across America then I might agree with you. The article is a few months old but still happened recently. And just because YOU don’t need or appreciate Pride anymore doesn’t make it any less relevant or needed.

Why do we need to celebrate Pride, the straights don’t have a Pride day?  Well, let me tell you why. We don’t have Pride to show we are proud of being gay. We celebrate to show we can walk down the street w/o persecution or attack. We celebrate the hard-earned freedoms we’ve fought for in the last 3 decades. We celebrate our ability to be treated as an equal. There may come a day when we don’t need Pride but we are most definitely not there yet. Until we secure freedoms in every state for us as well as our Trans brethren the fight is not over.

Pride has become a corporate sell-out. And how exactly are they expected to put on such events when the community no longer gives money? Those corporate donors you whine about are floating (pun intended) the costs so we can have an event. If you don’t like that then I strongly encourage you to start donating monies to help offset the costs. Providing even the basics is not cheap.

“Those” people don’t represent me. That may be true but many of those people are the reason you have the rights you have today. They may not represent you personally but they are part of our community whether you deem them worthy or not. And frankly, if you would like to see more diversity in our represented numbers then you should step up and help. Have a float, go with a group, or walk with banners. Don’t not participate in any way and then sit back and whine about being under represented. Even better, next time look out across the crowd and see all the less colorful people enjoying the show. They do represent us because they are us. The people in the parade are not the only representation of us.

Too many straights are coming and ruining it for us. Yeah you are right. Shame on all those straight people for showing up in solidarity and supporting us. How dare they invade OUR event. I meant they could go just back to hating us, bashing us, or tying us to a fence in the cold to die. I mean it just boggles the mind that as we move into being mainstream that the straight community might want to partake in our events. I find this excuse the most insulting and arrogant of all of them. We’ve fought inequality for how many decades and now that we are finally on the road to achieving it you are mad that the straight community is embracing our events? How very selfish and hypocritical.

There are too much drinking and drugs. And this one is true but it is also not new. This has always been an issue. If you think the fair sells too much booze then you should volunteer or go to the community meetings about Pride. Reach out to your community members that run the event and give feedback. As for the drugs, it is a much larger systemic problem and has never been just during Pride. See a pattern forming here? Get involved. Don’t complain and do nothing, otherwise you are part of the problem, not the solution.

We have come a long way, not doubt, but we are far from equal. The story I linked to above is one example of thousands. Having been in a similar situation in my youth I still remember my first Pride. It was so affirming and empowering. It made me realize I was not alone. I would never deny that to a single person. And until we secure the same equality for our Trans brethren, the fight is not over.

Indifference is not a reason to stop having Pride. And because you may no longer need or want it does not mean it has no more value. You do not get the right to whine and complain and then do nothing. Or I should say you have the right to complain but your words are hollow and meaningless. If Pride is just not for you, that is perfectly fine, but don’t bash it simply because of that.

“Those” people are the ones who are still fighting to put on these events. They are the ones working their asses off so it will happen. They are the ones bouncing on floats to put on a show and help draw crowds. When you begin to step up and make a difference, then your opinion will matter. Many of us have fought so hard for so long to just be accepted, we are comfortable fitting in and not drawing attention. I get it and support it. But that does not equate to doing away with any and everything that might draw attention to us. Nor does it mean that everyone wants to confirm and ‘fit in’.

We need to practice what we preach and be tolerant of others. We need to step out of our indifference and be accounted for if we want to affect change within our community. Most of all, we need to stop with the idea that if it doesn’t benefit me directly then it isn’t worthwhile and should be done away with.

I hope that you have a safe and happy Pride.

  1. Gay High Holy Day []
  2. I have a few more thoughts on the increasing internal squabble about certain phrases later []


Have you every been randomly walking and you see someone ahead of you and you see them enough to think, “hmmm, that looks interesting?

You deliberately speed up your walking to try and catch up with the person for a better look.

It takes you a bit but you keep at it. I mean you don’t want to be too obvious or look like a stalker.

You get closer, things are still looking good.

You get close enough for a really good look and then think, “oh, well that was not what I expected” and feel totally embarrassed and even a little guilty.

Has that every happened to you? No?

Yeah, me neither.


I find that I spend less time on social-media sites these days. One, I’ve been super busy so less time and two, it just seems to be more and more tedious and boring. There is so much crap and filler meant to generate ad-clicks, it just gets to a point where the purpose is lost. It is no secret I loathe FB but it does allow a connection of sorts to friends. I’ve threatened to dump FB in the past and still might but it is more likely I’ll just end up posting less and less until it becomes a place-holder.

Part of my frustration is witnessing the dumbing down of America. And it is getting worse. Our indifference to anything outside our immediate environment is contributing to the decay of our society. Integrity, honor, respect, honesty, truth, it’s all becoming buzz-words. Social media was meant to unite and bring us together and it seems to be doing just the opposite. I can’t say I wanna be a part of that. Don’t even get me started on the whole anti-intellectualism movement again. OMFG! 

Then you have the “stories” that often catch on like wild-fire that turn out to be hoaxes or flat out lies. Almost every day now I encounter stories that are fake or have just enough of the truth to seem plausible. And of course, no one can be bothered to check around or fact find, they just read a story and assume it is true and then continue to spread the ignorance. Even credible news outlets have been falling prey to this.1  As my maw-maw always used to say, “…believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.”

Unlike previous moods, I’m not saying I’m leaving vs just expressing a growing dislike for said sites. They have some use but I’m finding the cons are out-weighing the pros more and more.

  1. One has to look at the recent Turing Test story going around about a supercomputer finally crossing a threshold of believability as a human. Total fabricated story but it spread to even many of the tech sites []


Life is slowly settling back into normalcy for me. The work project is over and I’m coming into the last week of training a new recruit. I’ll be back on my own then. I don’t think I realized how much this project impacted me. You’d think I’d have been less stressed considering my main job often deals with life/death scenarios. Oddly, I found that I was bringing my work home with me, at least in my head anyway. Normally, when I leave work I leave it all behind. The place could burn down and as long as they don’t call me I don’t think about it. On the project, I was constantly worried about progress and deadlines. The interdepartmental fights and obstruction was extremely frustrating. It affected not only my peace of my mind but also my gym schedule and even my *ahem* libido. The latter wasn’t as bad as you might think though. For someone who has always had a libido, not having one for awhile was kind of nice. Ever since puberty it has been on full. It usually isn’t a matter of am I frisky but how much so. LOL Not having that constant heat in head for awhile was kinda nice.1  hehehe

I’m grateful home life has been amazing. Nothing glamorous or riveting mind you, just two people who get each other spending quality time together. Many evenings, after I’d made dinner, he’d be in the bedroom on the computer playing video games and I’d be in the living room watching Tivo or playing my own video games. We would both check on the other from time to time to make sure we weren’t feeling neglecting. We finally just realized we didn’t need to, we were both content. Even though we were home together, we were both doing our own things and having ‘me’ time. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels.

So now that things are settling, I need to get my butt back on a steady gym schedule. I’ve been very negligent in going and have put on a few pounds. Tis  true, I’ve gotten a little bit of a gut. I miss the gym but I’ll admit I’ve gotten a little used to just coming home and relaxing. It’s been hard to get back into a solid routine.2  It is time though. The GHHD’s3 are approaching. lol

I keep getting asked if I’m giving up blogging. The answer is still no. I always put life first and blog second. The blog has suffered a bit. I had some hiccups recently with my new(er) ISP a few times as I got migrated to a new server.  During one such short outage, I got several freaked out emails asking if I had deleted my blog. Nope, still here.

Tomorrow starts the new week and a new gym schedule. I’m only slightly outside of the range I like to be in physically. I just need to get a good schedule going again.

The Pup and I are headed to Phoenix the last week of June. He hasn’t been back since he moved here and I know he misses it. I don’t mind (except for the damn heat). He spent his whole life there so I’d be surprised if he didn’t miss it. The roomie is watching Cooper so he’ll be in good hands while I’m gone.

Time for GoT’s so more later.

  1. And it most definitely has come come back! []
  2. It doesn’t help when my neighbor literally just dropped off some delicious homemade cookies! []
  3. Gay High Holy Day []