Game

A very kind reader of my blog sent me a free download to the Destiny game. I thought that was very sweet considering the game is not cheap. Said person didn’t use any emails that have previously been associated with my blog1 so they truly are anonymous. dang it! lol Since I can’t figure out who you are, dear anonymous benefactor, thank you very much for such a kind gift.

I’ve lamented since Shawn and I started playing that I wish I could transfer my game play from PS4 to XOne. The game came bundled with the PS4 so it didn’t make sense to buy it again. The game is not cross-platform so I stuck with playing it on the PS4. I’m already back up to level 29.

When Shawn and I played the demo, it was on the One. When I popped the game in the server apparently remembered and gave me a free legendary heavy weapon right off the bat. Said weapon couldn’t be used until I got back to at least level 20 but it was a nice surprise. The games are pretty much identical in game play, as they should be. I’ve noticed slight differences in the shading but beyond that visually it seems the same. I will say the game seems smoother and slightly faster on the One. The load times are slightly faster and the response from the controls seems a little more fluid. Otherwise, there is very little difference.

If you play, I’m not big on the Vault of Glass (VOG) battle but always like Strike missions. I help or don’t mind being helped on strike missions and/or daily/weekly missions. My handle on both One and PS4 is ibod8x5.2 If you want to join a game or me to join you and are not on my friend list, please message me first. I ignore random game/friend invites from people I don’t recognize. This is primarily to avoid much of the juvenile behavior from a lot of online gamers. Since VOG requires 6 players, you’ll also get flooded with requests once you hit level 29 or 30.

So thanks again dear anonymous. As you can tell, your gift is not going to waste.




  1. I looked! lol []
  2. As it is pretty much anywhere online. Remind me to tell you the story about my coworkers discovering my online handle. heehee []

Family

This post has turned out to be a lot harder to write than I originally thought it would be. I’m digging into my past again and stirring up old memories. It is no secret I’ve never had very close family ties beyond my younger brother. I keep in loose contact w/my other siblings but my younger brother has always been the glue holding me to the family.

In a moment of ‘something’, I recently added my little brother to my FB profile. This of course creates a gateway to the rest of the extended family that he routinely communicates with. I’m still mixed up about it but I think it is time to either open the bridge to the extended family or tear it down completely.

Backing up a bit for a little history lesson, I was adopted as an infant. My foster mom died when I was around 5 years old. My dad re-married a few years later, my younger brother’s mom. I love my younger brother and I never once resented him but after he was born my step-mother changed. I never understood it then and I still don’t now. After his birth any feelings she had for me turned to resentment. And in that resentment she made my life a living hell. There are no words to explain the mental torment she put me thru on a daily basis for years. She was, and still is to a degree, the only person I ever truly hated in this life. She tormented me so much that at one brief moment somewhere around 10 or 12 I almost poisoned her to death. I covered the gory details in a previous post years ago. To this day I still bear the shame that I could even consider such an idea. But as a child then it seemed like the only escape. Even a child’s id eventually snaps. My younger brother of course doesn’t remember a lot of what I went thru. He was simply too young. And I know it hurts him to hear it so I’ve always avoided the subject with him.

It should come as no surprise now to know that when I did leave home it was freedom! I was finally free and she would never be able to hurt me again.1  Leaving early cost me as much as I gained. I spent a couple years being homeless in pursuit of stability. But even that wasn’t enough to send me back. I don’t think there was anything that could have driven me back. Frankly, I would have rather lived on the streets for the rest of my life than go back to the misery of before.

Later, after I moved to SF in my early thirties I struggled to find myself. Having finally gained some financial stability, I turned my attentions inward in an attempt to discover what type of man I wanted to become. I felt like a blank slate waiting for an imprint. I spent the better part of a decade conquering the insecurities and demons from childhood. I replaced self-loathing and abandonment with confidence and integrity built on the knowledge of who I am. I shed the ignorance and fear that crippled me for so long in my life.

For all my struggles over the years, I’ve kept a wall between myself and my extended family. It wasn’t hard. Distance, time, and logistics made it easy.  And to be honest, I resented them for many years. It doesn’t matter now that that resentment was misplaced. I was a child. I resented them because they saw what she did to me. In my eyes back then they saw what she did and yet did nothing. I can remember time and time again feeling elated and excited when the extended family would visit. It meant a reprieve from the mental abuse and I got much needed interactions. God, I must have looked so pathetic back then. This doe-eyed child practically begging for any scrap of attention. I also remember the absolute despair that would grip me when they left. When they left to go home it meant my reprieve was over. I guess it is no surprise I resented them somewhat.

But I am a man now and the pains of childhood are a distant memory. I harbor no more resentments. I harbor no fear over their acceptance of me, or not. They will or they won’t. That is their path. My life is my own and I will live it honestly and without fear.

Ironically, and on somewhat of a tangent, most of the extended family I miss were on my step-mother’s side. I learned many years later my adoption created a rift in my foster family. My foster mom’s family was very much against it. However, since it was my foster mom who made the decision, you can see why thy were distant. My dad’s side was more connected but living in a remote rural area and most of them being poor meant less contact. My step-family were a tad better off and we saw much more of them over the years. I guess it makes sense.

Back on point, it is time to shed the last of my walled gardens, so to speak. No matter the outcome, I will still be standing.

And you should know what I’m about to say now. hehehe 

Hope springs eternal…




  1. Sadly, even that turned out not to be true. []

Shop

I am not a big fan of clothes shopping. So much so that I often go for months (sometimes years) without shopping for myself. I’ll go at the drop of hat for someone else, aka Shawn, but not for myself. I don’t think I got that part of the gay gene. hehehe Growing up poor made the idea of shopping a bit of a struggle. In my early days, having never had much, any time I got money I’d spent it all right away. The need for survival back then taught me the error of my ways, so to speak.1

I went thru a phase after moving to SF where I had the money but I didn’t spend it out of fear of the unknown. I was always worried about the what if scenarios. It was then that I started forcing myself to go shopping on a regular basis. And it worked for awhile. It helped that my ex went into the t-shirt business while we were together. I had a plethora of shirts at my disposal. And to show you what I mean, that ended 3-4 years ago and I am still wearing some of the shirts he made me.

Fast forward to now and I’m back to my old habits. I had to force myself to go out jean shopping this past weekend. And it was only because I realized I was down to 2 pair. I hated it. I got some of the gay gene as I care enough to spend time looking for a pair that I think looks good on me. Said care drags the process out. Yet, I’m not one of those that has to spend the whole day looking for the perfect pair. If I don’t find a good fit after a few stores, I’ll just give up. I’d love to just walk in, grab a pair and leave. Sadly, I got burned on that several times. Clothing vendors never seem to stick to sizing standards so even the same brand sometimes fits me in different sizes.

Anyway, I got a couple new pair. They should last me another few years.




  1. If you ask Shawn, he’ll tell you I still spend too much. LOL []

Resolute-toot

I’m not big on NY resolutions anymore as it seems a bit contrived and so few people really follow thru anyway. I do; however, try on an ongoing basis to improve myself.

Looking forward this year, I think one of my goals will be less time on social media. Sadly, social media isn’t about communication anymore. It is a plaform for an individual to spew their own bias and expect reinforced support via comments/likes. I spend way too much time trying to point out distinctions that matter.

Subjective validation is all the rage and it has become very apparent to me no one cares about facts or details. Issue dejour must be devoured, judged, and spewed forth with outrage and angst and then summarilty forgotten. Exeryone expects something be done while continuing on their own path of indifference. Successful discourse is discouraged and chastized. And integrity and honesty are just buzzwords to be bandied about like so much other tripe.

​I’d rather focus on my own life more and lead by example. It sound so negative but I don’t mean it that way. I just need to stop wasting time on things I can’t control. Of course part of me says I just follow the wrong people. Maybe I should be more selective about who I follow and let follow me? *thought bubbles..thought bubbles…thought bubbles….* *Pop* Naaaaaaaaah. LOL

​My only other new goal this year is to try to get out more. Shawn and I are very comfortable being home-bodies. I think we are a wee bit too comfortable now. lol It’s time to get out a bit more and be active. Beyond that, I’m focused on the normal things: lower debt, better health, eating better, etc.

Anyone else making big new years plans?

NY

wpid-wp-1420138676519.jpeg

One has to only look at the pic to know

image

Me and the Pup

what the focus of my new year has been. March will be the 2 year mark that Shawn and I have been together and I couldn’t be happier. Things are still awesome and I’m still grinning ear to ear.

2014 has been a good year for me. Shawn and I are still doing awesome. I’m sloooooowly converting him to life in SF and as much as he hates to admit it, he is adjusting. hehehe Cooper is still strong and healthy. Overall, I’m healthy1 and doing well. Beyond that, life is just simple right now. In many ways it is totally boring but we are boring together and that’s what counts.

This year saw me threw 2 separate eye surgeries, both of which I came out of just fine. The eye is still a bit of an issue but it seems things are getting better. It will be months before I know if an additional surgery is required. I’m optimistic my busted eye will fall in line and I won’t have to have the extra surgery. *Crossed fingers*

I need to get my squishy ass back into the gym more. Now that the surgeries are over, I’m trying to get back into it. All my pants are getting tight. lol

*

Looking forward, I’m eager for the next year with Shawn. I’m so happy sometimes I think i worry too much something will happen to ruin it. Old habits die hard and old demons die harder but I’m settling into the contentment that is my life right now. ​

I hope you that you and yours are doing well. I wish you all a very happy, loved, and prosperous new year!




  1. even though I feel all squishy from missing the gym too much []

Attack

My blog has been under a brute force attack for over a week now. Several foreign bots have been hard at work trying to break into my WordPress software. Sadly, for them, that is all but impossible. I use several layers of security to protect WP. One of those layers locks any user account, including myself, after more than 5 failed log in attempts.1  The user must then go thru the password recovery process.  However, the brute force can bring down the server itself. Even with site-caching, the server has to respond to every request.

Most bots make a concentrated effort for minutes and/or hours and then usually move on when they complete (or fail at) their task. This was much more focused and indicates a deliberate attempt. My blog is not overly popular so I’m a little surprised. Dedicated attacks usually target big sites or at the ISP level. The rest of us fall into the “search and conquer” category described above.

I’ve had to take more direct action now and start blocking bots at the server level. It is often a cat-and-mouse game because said baddies often use already compromised or spoofed IP addresses. They rotate them quickly so blocking doesn’t last long. However, for bots it’s a wee bit easier as they usually carry distinctive names that can be blocked using the .htaccess file.

For my readers, hopefully you won’t see any error pages. On the odd chance you do, please email me and I’ll get you restored. An easy way to tell is by accessing my site from different connections. The chances of both being blocked are extremely rare.

The attack already seems to be waning. The CPU drain from my account on the server is down within acceptable levels for my ISP. It is still higher than normal but going down. Wish me luck. hehehe




  1. I also deleted my default admin account ages ago []

Secret

We’ve heard tons of comments on white privilege in recent weeks, but what about religious privilege? We are quite accustomed to hearing from the fundies about how they are being persecuted. The reality is religion is given an exceptionally wide berth in this country.

In recent days, I’ve seen a plethora of news stories on church pastors talking about killing LGBT folks for just existing and having the audacity to want equal rights. And don’t get me started on those Duggar assholes. All of these folks are becoming desperate because they realize they are losing their so called culture war. Forgetting the normal rants on how we are single-handedly causing the destruction of everything because … "god" for a moment, they’ve upped their game now and completely gone off the deep end.

It is time for us as a citizenry to start reigning this nonsense in. You can believe whatever brand of crazy you want as long as you keep it to yourself. You can believe I am personally going to some imaginary place of eternal suffering after I die because I refuse to fall in line with your brand of crazy.1 But the moment you start calling for me to be less than other humans or calling for my death, you no longer get a say. The moment you start trying to legislate your beliefs on everyone you’ve crossed the line into bigotry. Your ignorant bile is not welcome in society anymore. ​

Even worse in my mind are the people who go around giving lip-service to their so-called faith but do nothing to stop the insanity. Where are all the other church pastors decrying this behavior? Where is the outcry from the millions of Americans who ‘claim’ to be christian? Why are they not condemning these fanatics? Could it be because their supposedly non-violent book of fairy tales is actually very violent. We are quick to talk about how Islam is a violent religion but we brush off our own brand of crazy. Well, your dirty little secret is out and we ain’t buying it anymore.

In my book you no longer get a pass. Your privilege ends with me. Stop sharing your smarmy photos and memes on social media about how wonderful your [insert deity of choice here] is and start calling out the crazies in your own ranks. If you are not calling them out then you are complicit in their actions. And if you are an LGBT person on top of it, you bear the shame of knowing your inaction directly contributes to the oppression of your brothers and sisters.




  1. I still can’t get over the ‘shell-fish is an abomination’ clause. I sends me into hysterics every time. Of course we realize how crazy that is but magically forget it when it comes to begin gay. []

Still Double

​I had my first follow up with the doc since the surgery. Structurally, everything is pretty awesome. Both the docs seemed overly pleased with how well the implant placement and eye adjustment turned out.

Sadly, I’m still seeing double vision. It is much improved in many ways but still happens enough to be bothersome. It doesn’t help that the right eye is also weaker from a vision stand point. He said it is still too soon to know for sure. It is very possible my eyes may just start adjusting and the double vision could go away completely.

Worse case scenario, he says if it doesn’t improve more I could go back for an additional surgery. This time they would adjust the muscle of the eye where it attaches to the eyeball. If the muscle has atrophied too far away, this might be the final fix.

He told me I could start wearing the contacts/glasses again. The extra sharpness would benefit by brain trying to refocus my eyes in sync with each other. I’ve reached out to my original optometrist and will mostly likely see her this Monday or Tuesday.

It is hard to be upset because my vision has improved a lot. As previously mentioned, I hadn’t realized how much I was compensating until after the surgery. Hopefully, my ‘old eyes’ will kick in and readjust themselves. I really do not want to have surgery again.

Time will tell. And as always, hope springs eternal….

UnFriend

I discovered recently someone I know personally has unfriended and even blocked me on FB. We weren’t close friends but I can’t ever remember having a falling out of any sort. Granted, I didn’t even notice said person had unfriended me for quite some time.  The only recollection I have is that he and I often had slightly different political views. We disagreed a few times but it was never mean or rude. He would get rather upset with anyone who didn’t agree with him. I’m left to assume he got mad because I disagreed on something and blocked me. Oh well. He was clearly missed. /sarcasm

This last week I noticed I’ve also been unfriended a few times by folks who didn’t agree with my views on current events. It seems to be a growing theme on social media. Basically, people don’t want debate, they only want supporting comments or views that reinforce their own. Then they get super upset or bent out of shape if someone disagrees with them. If you don’t want comments from people who might disagree, either don’t allow comments or don’t post it.

For myself, if you can’t handle debate then I’m sure we wouldn’t be friends in real life anyway. Successful discourse  requires two way communication not just pontification of your own thoughts. I usually try to keep my discussions to the topic at hand without any personal attacks. I also try to refrain from name-calling and inflammatory comments. I say ‘try’ because even I lose my shit sometimes.

Anyway, I’m off topic a bit. If you friend someone  you don’t really know on social media, you shouldn’t be overly surprised if they don’t always fall in line with your view of things. Barring said personal attacks mentioned above, you should try to converse and debate vs just writing them off and unfriending them. You, or they, might learn something. You also have the added benefit of developing a deeper understanding of your own belief. Teaching or explaining concepts to others forces you to better understand it for yourself.

Civic

Everyone is jockeying for the moral high ground after the Ferguson verdict. Social media is a shit-show of everyone pointing fingers at each other. I won’t even go into all the judge/juries that have appointed them selves verdict makers on Brown/Wilson’s implied guilt.

I feel like I have a unique perspective on the subject.1   There is my work side that deals with law-enforcement issues every day of my career. I can see valid points from the officer’s story. There were several things Brown could have done to avoid the confrontation. Then there is my gay side that grew up at the hands of very rough and not so friendly police on more than one occasion. I can see valid points from Brown’s family. The police could have handled the situation better and not necessarily let it escalate out of control. 

The reality is neither side is blameless. No one has the moral high ground here. And no one should walk away feeling like they lost/won. We all lost. People often can’t resolve the cognitive dissonance created by the ambiguity of fault or blame. And because of this, we can’t admit that neither side is blameless. Brown refused to comply, Wilson overreacted.2

No matter who’s side you are on it still means nothing unless we act. If we truly want to fix these problems, we must move beyond the never-ending and condescending tantrums via social media. And while petitions and marches in the streets are excellent displays of solidarity, they are not enough. These things depend on someone else to fix our problems.

We as a citizenry must be involved. We cannot abandon, thru indifference, our oversight of those we place in power and be surprised when it suddenly becomes corrupt. Civic duty is not just serving jury duty or voting, begrudgingly. It is our guaranteed right thru the freedoms granted us. But we must exercise those rights. It should not be something we only do when it is convenient. It should be a part of our daily lives.3  If more of us get involved, we won’t need to constantly focus on blame. We’ll be in forums to constantly give oversight, feedback, and accountability to both sides.

Basically, I’m saying be involved or shut up and accept your servitude. It is that simple. Like any living thing, democracy must be fed or it dies from neglect. Go to your local police community meetings. If they aren’t offered,  rally your neighbors and friends and demand they have them. Go to your governing body’s public meetings. Call, write, and/or email your local and state leaders. And don’t do it once and call it good. Involvement is ongoing. Embrace your civic duties. Then and only then can we see real change.




  1. No surprise there right? lol []
  2. Please spare me unnecessary rants on the variances of this over simplification []
  3. Do me a favor and read this paragraph again []