GHHD

The first GHHD1 of the season is just around the corner and I’m still grappling with the Pulse massacre. How do I even begin to describe my feelings? It affected me deeper than I thought it would. In many ways, I’m leery now even here in SF. I find myself more watchful of strangers and I’m more mindful of people around me. It makes me angry that I’ve been affected this way. It also made me realize the fight for equality is not over. As long as fanatics think they can go around hurting others in the name of [insert stupid religious extremism here], our fight is not over.

Because of my job I tend to disassociate from big public events, even in the gay world. It isn’t that I don’t care; in my line of work it’s mostly a protection mechanism. But this awful tragedy cut me to my core. I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t put it out of my mind and forget about it. I was in tears pretty much the whole week after. I didn’t know a single soul but these are my people. They grew up fighting the way I fought, just to survive and be. Our straight brethren can sympathize but they can never truly understand what we go thru. And that isn’t to bash them. It’s a testament to how we as humans are wired. We tune into ideals and actions that resonate in our own lives. Well this resonated in mine. And worst of all, not in a good way.

Worst of all, it brought back survival fears from my early years of growing up gay. East Texas wasn’t the friendliest place to be gay, let’s face it. I got bashed a few times and witnessed others get bashed as well. It’s funny because I used to tell myself that the hate crimes against me were “minor” because I came away with a few bruises. The sadness in that statement does not escape me now. This tragedy brought back the fear of not only being attacked but also just daring to live openly. I had put that fear away and now it’s come back. I don’t know for how long honestly, but I feel it again. Fears I thought long dead and forgotten. I’m sad, ashamed, and angry all at the same time.

GHHD #1 approaches this weekend and I volunteered to work. I normally make sure I’m off so I can attend the parade or fair. This year I thought I’d do one better and work. It’s not much but I feel like I’m contributing to keeping everyone safe. (I’ll be working remotely from the medical command booth)

I refuse to be afraid to live my life. I refuse to fear being out in public. And I sure as hell refuse to be intimidated into avoiding my own safe places. More of us may die. And I certainly hope it is never me, but I won’t go back in the closet. I won’t pretend to be something I’m not. I can’t think of a better cause to die for honestly. I’m probably being a little dramatic but I’m all worked up right now.

I hope that you celebrate Pride this week. Not because you have to, not because you feel obligated, but because you want to. You want to show that we are united in this. No matter how diverse, we are united in this fight. We will not be intimidated with fear. For my generation, we grew up living/breathing fear and we won’t go back. For the new generation, this might be their first taste of it. We all need to make sure it is their last.

No matter what you do, be safe and know you are loved. If your in big cities or small towns, know that you are not alone and your voice is one of many. I wish you all the safest and happiest Pride. Celebrate in whatever way brings you joy.

Hope springs eternal…




  1. Gay High Holy Day []

Clueless

I just can’t bear to discuss the recent tragedy in Orlando yet so I’m posting some light humor instead for now.

I’ve switched to my new schedule at work and now have Friday’s instead of Monday’s off. My dept is incredibly short staffed1 and I’m headed in for some overtime. I’m dressed, Cooper is settled, and got my biker gear on. One problem, I can’t find my damn keys. I race around the house looking and tearing everything apart. I spend the better part of 10 minutes looking and I’m out of time. I can’t find my damn keys!

I finally give up and order Lyft. I have a spare door key to lock the front door. I’m walking out the front door to get in the Lyft and I turn, out of sheer habit, to double lock the outside main door… wait for it….. wait for it…. with my damn keys!

They were in my hand the whole time!

Needless to say, I can be a bit clueless at times. I giggled all the way to work.

Go forth and be merry.




  1. as usual []

Games

image
Ratchet & Clank

I was all set to ramble on about Destiny the game eating up on my attention in gaming until I came home last night to a surprise from Shawn. He got me the new Ratchet & Clank! I didn’t even know it was out yet! What can I say? He gets me!

R&C is one of my all time favorite games. So far the new one is a mixture of new content and homages to the original story line. It’s quite funny and enjoyable to play. It doesn’t seem overly difficult but it could just be I’ve steadily been playing Destiny so my skills are still ‘up’. I had to force myself to go to bed last night otherwise,I’d still be playing it. heehee

I’m sure you are just dying to know my game habits. Yes, I’m still playing Destiny. I stopped for awhile but it pulled me back in. I’ve exhausted all the content but for some reason I still enjoy the Strikes , the POE1 and even the occasional side mission. There is one more DLC2 due out this year before Game 2 drops in 2017. Game 2 is expected to be a whole new group of planets with all new content. I switched back to the XOne for most of my game play. (I have it on both consoles, don’t ask! lol) Many of my buds play are on PS4 but I just seem to enjoy the XOne version better.

The new Gears of War is out very soon. I played the beta, which was focused on multi-player. The graphics were stellar as always. Then there is the new version of Doom finally being released after what feels like an eternity of promises. Again, the beta focused exclusively on the multi-player. It’s getting really frustrating that many of my favorite games are all shifting away from single player or campaign modes to multi-player. I get it, there is more money in multi-player but don’t forget the players that made you famous in the first place. Many of the top developers are practically falling all over each other to churn out the multi-player versions of their respective games. They end up being the same story with different graphics. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I like multi-player games, but I don’t play for ego or competition. I play for fun and don’t mind a little competition. I think Destiny holds my attention so much because it captures the best of both.

Anyway, Ratchet & clank is calling my name so gotta go. . .




  1. Prison of Elders []
  2. Downloadable Content []

Funny

**Thru a random keystroke I accidentally posted this before it was complete. It’s what I get for mutil-tasking and watching the Sharks game. For you subscribers, sorry for the double emails…**

I ran into a random blog reader a couple weeks back at Starbucks. He was very excited to meet me. I was a taken aback just a little bit by his anxiety though. He seemed absolutely terrified! I say it as a declarative, not to poke fun. Tommy was so timid and I could tell it really took a lot to come say hi. We sat around for a bit chatting and killing time. Apparently, he lives in LA but happened to be in SF for a weekend and just happened to bump into me. He has been reading my blog as a lurker1 since 2005! I know, right!

Anyway, after we had chatted for a bit I guess he realized he didn’t have to be nervous. He confessed he was surprised 1) I was so friendly, and 2) I was so funny. This always gives me pause because if you know me in person, you know what a nutball I can be. And this isn’t the first time someone has mentioned it to me. I guess I just don’t do a good enough job bringing my sense of humor out in the blog very often.2

I blame the lack of humor on why and how I blog. In an effort to train myself to be objective about my behaviors and triggers, I somehow managed to filter out my humor. I also tend to be speak very directly. In person, this is softened up with my inflection but online I’m sure it can come across more terse. I think my humor does peak thru from time to time, but I admit I think I do a poor job of really letting it shine.

I do plan to work on it. I hate the idea that folks would come away thinking I’m too serious or ‘no fun.’ Lawd, if you only knew! On a side rant, I’m headed back to Texas for the first time in like forever around the end of the month. I’ll be reuniting with both of my besties which should be the final test of Shawn and I’s relationship. If he can survive a whole weekend with the three of us terrors together, it is definitely love! hehehe




  1. Affectionate term given to those who read but never comment []
  2. I’m not sure I convinced him to start commenting though. []

Ride

While clearing the backlog of emails from the blog, I got asked if I still ride my motorcycle. The answer is yes. I ride it pretty much every week back and forth to work. I haven’t been doing many long rides due to my continuing diplopia and I "still" haven’t fixed the cracked fin on the left side.1

You’ll remember I had the two eye surgeries to fix some ongoing issues over a year ago. All the structural issues were fixed and doing well. However, the right eye muscles never adjusted back to normal. The eye had adjusted for so long the muscles are now out of alignment. Luckily, it only affects my vision at up-right and direct-up angles. However, these are the very angles used while riding a sport bike. hehehe I see well enough I can drive day to day commutes and short rides just fine. However, I’m not sure how well I’d do on longer rides. I do exercises to try and bring the eyes in line but if I do to many or I strain against the double vision too much the eyes actually get fatigued and the diplopia increases until I let my eyes rest. I’m planning to go back this year for the extra (and hopefully last) surgery.

This last surgery should be interesting. Basically, they numb you up but you are still awake. They go in, snip the muscle loose from the base, and put a suture on it. They adjust the suture as you describe improvements to your vision. When it reaches normal (or almost normal) vision, they tie it off and let it heal. Bam! The caveat is if the adjustment is too severe I may not go back to a full 100%. That is ok with me. I just need a modular improvement. The latter being why I put it off this long. I was hoping over time my eyes would adjust on their own. Sadly, they haven’t.

So to answer your question (Tony), yes I still ride just not as often. I do kinda miss it. Especially on sunny warm days.




  1. It isn’t that expensive but I just have other priorities []

Stuff

I haven’t really talked about my ‘stuff’ lately, or not in the sense I used to here. And that is totally a good thing! For over a decade, I’ve used my blog to air out my doubts, fears, demons, and general thoughts on life. I started out blogging for fun. It was new, exciting, and totally inline with a desire to chronicle my life. It quickly turned into an outlet to work on my failings. I felt adrift in so many ways for so long and finding an outlet that gave me an opportunity to focus on myself was a life-saver. I don’t say that casually. Thru my struggles here I have become a better person. And as I age and move thru life, the new habits are becoming set and I am stronger than I’ve ever been.1

*Note – This started as a quick update and Jesus, Mary, Joseph, & John it turned into a long winded rant! Grab some coffee*

Lately, in almost a weekly occurrence I’ve observed or experienced small happenings that I would have reacted to in a completely different (read ‘bad’) manner in the past. And I am continually grateful that I can see past things that would have also hurt me in the past.2 If anything, I’m feeling a little sad at how many people I encounter who are so adrift in life like I was for so many years.

I used to think what I did wasn’t really that unique. I’m discovering it really isn’t that common at all. And I’m not sure what made me unique. Was it the resilience I developed from years of mental abuse as a child? Was it learning how to be introspective? Was it blind fate? All of the above? I don’t know. It is hard to express outwardly how far I’ve come. I’ve gone on and on here ad-nauseam about it I’m sure. I struggle to put into words how my mental framework has shifted over the years. And to see me in person, you would notice some differences but you probably would never know otherwise.

I’ve always been good at hiding my personal demons. Call it an unexpected gift from childhood. Not many folks, even my closest friends, really knew how hard it was for me to get by at times. On a related tangent, as hard as my early life was, I was so rarely depressed. The brush with suicide gave me a renewed energy and to this day I can’t help but wonder if that one moment saved me continuously over and over. Now that I think about it, not being depressed made it quite easy to hide everything else. Back on topic, my crippled little id hopped along adapting or borrowing coping-mechanisms as fast as I could find them. The best and simplest exampled involved crossing the street. Yeah, you read it right. I would develop so much conflict in the act of crossing the street at an intersection when cars and people were present. There was this prevailing idea that every person in their fancy cars could see how worthless I was. And they were judging me for my failures and inadequacies. Inadequacy was at the heart of my existence then. I felt unworthy of the simple act of existing. And lest you think me joking, yes I felt that every time I crossed a f**king street alone!

Now imagine the conflict that ensued when my logical and not too terribly unintelligent mind ran into that every time I engaged in life events. Going to a bar was an experiment in how well I could hide the pain while desperately seeking someone to fill the void of loneliness, thru sex or companionship. Picture me trying to reconcile that I’d rather be a top in bed but felt so unworthy of the act I made myself bottom for others. Oh yeah, shit just got real! lolol I made myself into a stereotype (on varying levels) just so I could feel accepted. Most people would kill to avoid being a stereotype and there I was molding myself into one.

It easy for me to laugh now. And even though words fail me at times, these are the examples that really demonstrate the degree of dysfunction inflicted upon me. And to have successfully dragged myself out of that will always be my biggest life’s achievement. One might think it a low bar but such a simple change in focus radiates thru everything I do and am now.

Now I find myself struggling with a way to share this with others and help them grow. Trying to explain it doesn’t seem to do the trick. I’ve tried a few times and it didn’t work. How do you help someone see something they aren’t yet ready to see? I don’t have the answer for that one….yet! *scratches head*

Hope springs eternal…




  1. Who says a bitch can’t work on the outside AND the inside?! heehee []
  2. Hurt is such a simple word but covers a whole host of sins we inflict on ourselves or allow others to inflict upon us []

Groups

I’m trying to find more gay social groups to interact with related to working out and fitness. I use an app called Jefit, which I love.1 It offers online forums and an in-app feed but seem rarely used. BB.com has the BodySpace app, which also has online forums and again sparsely used. *le sigh* Anyone else out there use forums or online fitness groups? Help a brotha out?! So far, Instagram seems to be the best inspiration for me. Sadly, it isn’t really built for 2-way social interaction or groups. That and everyone in fitness there is trying to make money or get "famous". Ugh. Don’t even get me started on some of the bogus ‘fitness brograms’ for sale. Anyyyyyway…..

I’ve jumped from 206 to 214 lbs since I started hitting the gym again. I assume that is muscle since I’ve been hitting the weights and cardio consistently. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been (I think). I got chunky once in my early 20’s and was in a size 35 jean. Yup, size 35! lol I was still under 200 lbs as I had very little muscle then. But I digress, I might have gotten a little heavier after the break up with he who shall not be named but I don’t think I did. Anyway, I could always eat better but I’m doing ok in that dept. I work on eating healthy foods all week by doing meal prep. Shawn and I tend to splurge on weekends; however, my splurges are often richer quality food vs really fatty food. I try not to focus on my scale weight right now as I’m losing and gaining.

I giggled out loud the other day because I was doing arms and I really did feel swole, as the popular hashtag goes. I’m sure anyone watching would have thought I was the most narcissistic bitch ever! And speaking of, I need to sit down and take all my body measurements again so I can create new goals. I’ve incorporated all the muscles I’ve neglected for years ie my legs. lol I’ve always neglected my legs and while they aren’t scrawny, I clearly need to bring them in line with my upper torso. (I’ve said it before but this time I’ve actually built them into a routine and am sticking with it!)

In a related tangent, my buddy Charles has been hitting the gym after several bouts of medical issues. He is an older fella and has really gotten into fitness. I’m always happy when he sends me is new personal bests! Keep it up Charles!

So back to my original rant, anyone know some good fitness groups or apps?




  1. Even if it is a little buggy lately []

Cait

Unless you live under a person who lives under a rock, I’m pretty sure you already know where I’m going with the title. hehehe Everyone is up in arms (repeatedly) pretty much anytime Cait opens her mouth these days.

And if you have been under the rock, Caitlyn (Cait) Jenner, formerly Bruce Jenner, is transgendered and came out to the world not so long ago. Her ‘coming out’ was a big revelation and brought the fight for our transgendered brethren to the national stage. Then the problems began. Our shining new role-model had a different secret. She was a life long Republican and those views ran contrary to her new existence.

As her public appearances increased in her new role, her continuing support for those views showed a conflicting mess of greed, entitlement, and indifference. Our new model was saying and supporting many of those in politics who are against her existence. The backlash has been swift. For myself, I’m not really surprised. A lifetime of affluence has bred a selfish desire to maintain her own status.

Cait should be a lesson to the rest of us though. We have a chance to learn from her. We, as a society and a community, often conflate being famous w/being a good role model. Even after repeated and re-repeated scandals in the news almost daily, we still seem to hold onto this belief. Life and people people don’t exist in the absolutes of black & white. They exist in a spectrum of greys. Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things. That distinction, as always, is important.

Cait as a famous figure, has brought a lot of welcome and needed attention to the fight for trans folks. Her willingness to come out was and is a big deal. It pushed the trans movement that much further into equality. We should celebrate and take advantage of it. Her continued appearances as a trans person lends authenticity to their existence and also reduces fear. It normalizes an otherwise normal existence made scary by ignorance.

Cait’s acceptance is separate from her conflicted and often shameful views. I can accept her as she is and still condemn her views. Further, Cait doesn’t have to conform anymore than gay men had to to gain equality. She is allowed to have her own beliefs, however hypocritical. She is no different from a gay republican. She is still entitled to acceptance. The distinction between the two is important because it defines the very right of equality. It is not ok to attack her status or existence simply because she is a hypocrite and blithely unaware of the struggles many less affluent trans folk face. Condemn her hypocrisy. Call her out on it any and every time but don’t resort to demeaning her existence. By doing so, you legitimize the idea that trans folk are not worthy of equality.

The lesson we can learn here is equality is not based on how well you behave, believe, or conform.

911

I don’t talk about work a lot here as I often feel it is just too much for people. It was never really the purpose of my blog either. The first thing a person often asks me when they discover my line of work, "What is the worst call you’ve ever taken?" Honestly, I’ve taken so many calls over the years, there really isn’t just one or two. I also like to think I don’t remember calls simply because of how awful they are. Actually, I know that is true. But yeah, there are always calls that stick with you for one reason or another. I can name on two hands the calls that have stuck with me. I guess that is good considering it has been 15 years! In no particular order:

1) Gay guy shoots himself on the phone with me.

2) Security guard finds an aborted baby in a trash can on the 15th floor of an office building.

3) Woman with psych issues throws her kids in the bay and drowns them because "the voices said so. ."

4) Little girl calls 911 and hangs up, on call back I had a suspicion she was being molested.

5) Woman calls because her boyfriend has stabbed her (6-9 times)1

6) Homeless guy pulls a dying man from a burning vehicle

7) The lion that got loose at the zoo and mauled a kid. (Yes that one)

8) The death of an officer in the line of duty. (Sadly, I’ve been present for two of these)

9) An unwitnessed arrest patient that woke up.2

10) The first baby I helped deliver.

#1 Was very personal to me. I was still very new at the time. He was determined to do it and he did. I felt bad but I knew I had done my absolute best and so never lost sleep over it. I still remember the conversation we had. It had a big impact on my decision to share my own near-suicide from my childhood on my blog.

#4 Is probably the only call where I felt like I failed the caller. The police made contact with the father but couldn’t prove anything. I did a lot of extra work, making calls to different agencies, hunting for any source of proof to push it further. Nothing came of it. It still gnaws at me to this day.

#7 Should be self-explanatory if you lived in SF at the time.

#8 Is still very painful to me and I still get very sad over it at times. I also had a co-worker that took her own life (not at work). She was a classmate and a friend. I still do a remembrance for her every year.

#10 Is by far the funniest because the father was constantly one-step away from losing it the whole time. It wasn’t until I tried to give him instructions on how to clip the cord that he really just lost it. "Oh man, you are asking too much!" was his reply! heehee Luckily, the crews arrived just then. I never got to meet the baby but I hope he is healthy and fabulous!

It shouldn’t come as a surprise I’m looking forward to my extended admin assignment. But don’t misunderstand, it isn’t to avoid these types of calls, just the opposite actually. The time away will allow me to renew the compassion and concern that pushed me into this job in the first place. The breadth of my call volume has definitely been building up on me, even I can see it. I find I’m more jaded and irritated at callers these days. I’m quick to frustration over people who abuse the system.

It used to be I’d take a nice vacation away and come back fully refreshed. Lately, it doesn’t seem to help. If anything, the extraordinarily stable home life as of late has been the biggest offset. Having Shawn and Cooper gives me peace and joy. Anyway, I’m hoping the break from day to day the drama will allow me to recover from years of abuse and raw emotion. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry at the public. I don’t want to not care or be indifferent to the suffering of others.

People often tell me, "you knew what you signed up for", or "you get paid a lot of money, so what if it’s hard." And it might be true on both counts to a degree, but I’m still a human being. I didn’t suddenly gain the ability to not be affected by the work I do. I can’t switch on/off my emotions. And I honestly think I’m better suited for this job than others. I rarely take work home with me and I handle stress pretty well. Even the best person wears down over time.

I’ll still work "the floor" from time to time to keep my skills up, but I’ll be out of daily call rotations for 3-5 years. (I can stay a full 5 or come back after 3) My assignment starts the first week in June. I’ll be in the same building just in a different section. Besides, the super early hours, I’m really looking forward to it.




  1. And yet she is still worried the police will shoot him. They also use this one for training new cadets []
  2. Statistically very rare []