Advice

Ever watch a straight guy in a gay environment? They usually fall into three categories. One, is the obvious freak-the-fuck-out guy. He’s an idiot and we don’t need to talk about him. Two, there is the guy who is completely comfortable with it and usually his own sexuality as well. Three, and my favorite, is the guy totally out of his element and trying his hardest not to show it.

I’ll admit we don’t get many of number three in the gaborhood that often. But as the gentrification of the Castro continues, I’m beginning to see more of them. As soon as the straight women show up, the guys are not far behind. heehee Anyway, today I’m watching this guy walk [1]and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus down the street with his girl. She is oblivious to his mounting frustration but seems to be enjoying the new found attention. The guy is trying his hardest not to look uncomfortable. He is taking everything in while trying to maintain that look of disinterest. I must admit it’s cracking me up. I’ve watched them for almost a block now and he has a vice grip on her hand and has already kissed her 3 times. lol Mind you all the while his eyes have been on every storefront and every guy walking by. If it wasn’t so funny I’d feel sorry for him. As I type this he just saw a male couple kissing and he can’t take his eyes off’em!

Oh, and before I move on I should mention I don’t get the slightest gay vibe from him. Not that that means anything. My point is I don’t think he is living in the closet. You can clearly tell the guy is fascinated. OH! He just caught me watching. Damn…my covers been blown. OH well, it was fun while it lasted. He has ‘suddenly’ lost interest in the couple’s kissing and is dragging his girlie past my line of sight. He gets props for being such a good trooper. I’m sure given time and repeated exposure, he’ll be a well-adjusted hetero who understands it really isn’t that much different.

In the meantime, for my few (if any) straight guy readers, let me give you some advice. First, don’t go overboard trying to distinguish your ‘straightness.’ You just end up looking the fool. Be yourself. And while you’re girl of the moment may enjoy the new found attentions, don’t go overboard with the affections. Gay or straight, too much PDAs [2]public display of affection just looks trashy. Contrary to old stereotypes, our neighborhoods aren’t not stop orgies. Sure you might get oggled or flirted with but that’s human nature. Be flattered someone finds you attractive. It doesn’t threaten your own masculinity or sexuality. No one is gonna grab you and try to molest you. Well I say that but if you’re in a cruisy bar all bets are off. lol Second, it’s ok to look. Seriously, we don’t mind. Show off your willingness to expand your boundaries. You’ll look cooler and you’ll probably learn a lot. Lastly, welcome to the ‘hood. In no time you’ll be ignoring the drag queens, naked guys, and explicit store fronts just like the rest of us!

References

References
↑1 and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus
↑2 public display of affection

Fit

Working out is such a huge part of my life. I’ve always tried to share motivation and tips w/others to encourage more folks to take their health seriously. That said, I usually don’t discuss much of my personal fitness here. Mainly because I don’t want to appear vain or shallow. I’m shifting away from that thought process. [1]Unlike another certain cajun blogger we all know and love. Now that I’m back in the habit of blogging again I’ve decided to include more of my personal physical progress here. There is no harm in my discussing how hard I work out and/or how much effort I put into taking care of myself. While obviously there is a narcissistic component, there is so much more to it. And if my sharing motivates others… all the better.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life working out in a gym. In the beginning, I never really stuck with it. Mostly because my motivations were based on a need to please others. When I started working out for myself I found that I stuck with it. I can remember in the very beginning feeling inferior to the meat-heads who live for it. You know the ones, the collossal guys who are so massive they probably shit muscle turds. lol And don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging them. If that’s your thing and it brings you joy more power to ya. But I always felt like an outsider back then, like I was an alien on a strange planet. The weights were intimidating because I could barely bench press a barbell. Using the machines was a challenge because they were new and unfamiliar to me. Not to mention, trying to remember what the official names of them were. I felt so self-conscious of looking like a total idiot. The internet was still in its infancy so it wasn’t even something I could just google. [2]Ah, the joys of Google, how the hell did we ever survive before the internet? lol But, after awhile that strange feeling went away and was replaced by a sense of inclusion. I felt like I belonged even if I would never be the epitemy of a gym bunny.

I spend 3-5 days a week at the gym but I don’t live for it. Not every day is a killer workout. My goal isn’t constant growth and size anymore. I also break it up or spread it out based on my work schedule. Honestly, my biggest focus these days is consistently, just keeping myself on a decent schedule. And let’s face it, I don’t have the determination or drive it takes to look perfect. One, I like to eat too much and two, I’m pretty much happy with my current size/weight.

Originally, I just wanted to gain size because I was so god-awful skinny. [3]Except for my butt. I’ve always had a plump ba dunka-dunk I think I’ve mentioned here before in the beginning I was so so skinny and my chest actually sank in a bit. You could pour water on my chest while I was lying down and it would pull in the middle. I kid you not! Now that I’ve filled out, I still push for size but my goal is general fitness and taking care of myself. And at the end of the day, I enjoy working out. I feel better mentally and physically after a good workout. And for the record, while my fitness revolves around the gym there are plenty of other options for staying fit and healthy.

So back to the point of my ramble today, I plan to start talking about my gym workouts more here on le blog. I’ll throw in some nice pics from time to time as well for inspiration.

References

References
↑1 Unlike another certain cajun blogger we all know and love.
↑2 Ah, the joys of Google, how the hell did we ever survive before the internet? lol
↑3 Except for my butt. I’ve always had a plump ba dunka-dunk

Nekkid

*This is not necessarily a NSFW post but is a bit of an adult subject. Coworkers and folks who don’t want TMI should probably skip it.*

Ever have someone ignore you repeatedly until they see you naked?

I’ve had a crush on a guy from around town for years now, pretty much ever since I moved to SF. He’s hawt! And as the saying goes, ‘I’d drink his bath water!‘ lolol  Annnnnyway, I’d always try to flirt or find little ways to engage him in conversation. He has never been rude or ugly but has also never indicated any interest either. While I try not to be overbearing, I’m pretty sure he has known for awhile I had the hots for him.

We don’t really travel in the same circle so we don’t see each other that often. Being as small as SF is as a city, one is always bound to cross paths. A few weeks back, he happened to be working out at the gym while I was there. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to flirt with him. I always say hi and acknowledge his presence but that’s about as far as I’ve gone in the last few years.

Why is it after he sees me naked in the shower [1]and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty he suddenly takes a liking to me? And I mean all up in my grill sort of liking. He seeks me out now and actively tries to engage me in conversation. And the flirting from his end has certainly picked up.

I know from around town he hasn’t had any relationship status changes so that can’t be it. I still pretty much look and act the same. I will admit to being a tad more muscular than when I first moved to SF, but nothing earth-shattering. lol I’m left to assume because he suddenly saw other parts of my anatomy his interest has shifted. I find myself a bit put off by that. How’s that for irony?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in situations where someone’s interest might suddenly shift upon said discovery. But that is also usually a more abrupt discovery. This has been pretty much a decade in the making. I can certainly feel flattered but it doesn’t really add up. I’m no slouch in that dept but it’s not something I would consider awe-inspiring. [2]Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!  I mean if you really aren’t that interested I can’t see how THAT would really make that much of a difference.

So, dear readers, I’m curious. How often has the size of the man-parts changed your interest in someone?

References

References
↑1 and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty
↑2 Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!

Mobile II

I’ve been tinkering with converting my blog to an app on Android. No, I’m not taking up Android programming, you can find a few sites online that will convert and compile it for free, albeit ads included. So far, I’ve created three very basic but different versions. All three are just wrappers. [1]meaning it’s just wrapped in a user interface

The first one is via WP-Appmaker and I like it the least. It renders very well but has no push notifications so you have to manually update it anytime you want new data. IMHO this completely defeats the purpose. The only real option you have is to sort posts by category. Considering it forces ads on you (I understand why) it should include more options.

The second one is with JoeMobi and had the most potential. Creating the app on their site was very buggy and time-consuming. If you forgot to fill out a required field or it didn’t like what you were trying to upload, you’d  get an error. You think have to start all over from the very beginning. This one also renders w/ads but it includes push notifications. Push means the app would update itself anytime I post something new. It was also the only one that supported comments directly from the app vs having to link out to the web and then post a comment. Sadly, I couldn’t get the in-app new comment part to work. However, unlike the other two, you could see existing comments. It also works with a Blackberry if you have one of those.

The third one is thru Conduit. It’s not bad. Choosing or creating your own unique colors and layout were much easier to use for a novice. Unlike the others, it does not force ads on the reader. Conduit was the only free one to offer the option to include your twitter feed as a separate tab. This one would be perfect if they ever added comment support.

There were about 6-7 other sites that do the same thing but they were mostly geared toward businesses and charge some pretty hefty fees. I don’t have the money for such things right now. One worth mentioning was Mippin. It was unique in that you could tie in FB fan pages, twitter, Picasa, Flickr, etc. They charge a flat $99 fee for a two-device app. Sadly, it still doesn’t support comments.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining about the 3 above as they are free! But, you also get what you pay for. I wouldn’t have minded the in-app ads had they given me the option to make a portion of the revenue after a certain point. Yes, I realize that’s how they make their money but ads for such basic wrappers is kinda overkill IMHO.

I’ve included links to the apk files for all three versions I created. If you’re on an Android device, just select the links below. As mentioned, they are very basic but feel free to play with’em, if ya like. Also keep in mind, you’ll have to click the allow unknown installs on your Android device before it will let you install them. There is NO SUPPORT with the apps. If you don’t like, simply delete’em off your device. They are too basic to cause any problems but I can’t guarantee they’ll work with old versions of Android.

 

The WP-Appmaker version

 

The JoeMobi version

 

The Conduit version

 

If I ever decide to upgrade them, I’ll post a new update.

References

References
↑1 meaning it’s just wrapped in a user interface

Blah

I was supposed to work out my chest today but felt kinda blah. I’m either fighting off a cold/flu or my allergies are acting up. Either way, I switched to my lats/glutes since my concentration was off a bit. All I need is to injury myself in a moment of carelessness. I still managed to get my workout in but it was lackluster. I’m gonna grab one of the Odwalla Wellness drinks on the way to work. Nothing like a good lymphatic flush to get you feeling better again.

*

On a side note, I started a new tumblr blog focused on my self-portraits. No nothing x-rated but still not always something I want posted here. My blog is known by more than a few of my coworkers and there are just some things about me they don’t need to read about! lolol 

I wonder how many of you here can guess what the URL is? Don’t post it but if you find it post a comment there. heehee

Hate Springs Eternal

I’m fond of saying “hope springs eternal”. It is something I picked up as a kid and it stuck with me. Well, I’m sad to say it seems the same is true of hate. I got my first hate mail in ages today. I think primarily as I’ve been bouncing around news blogs more than usual leaving comments on current events.

Today’s douchebag in ass-hattery was smart enough to use a hotmail account. An account I have since reported to MS as the content violates their fair-use clause. I have no idea what MS will do but whateva.

Said pathetic soul started out with the usual vitriol, you’ll burn in hell, filthy disgusting queer, blah blah blah. To his credit, the punctuation and spelling were pretty good. [1]Of course, anyone w/spell and grammar check can do that with a minimal of effort.  Most of the hate mails of past were always riddled with typos, poor punctuation/spelling, etc. Not to say that haters are stupid, maybe they are just lazy?

Anyway, I enjoy getting hate mail as it signals that I hit a nerve somewhere. To date, I’ve yet to encounter anyone who can back up their hatred with cold hard facts. Oh yeah, the fall back on religion, biology, and tradition. But those are so pathetically frail as to be laughable. Anyone with half a brain can overturn the reasoning on all three counts with just minimal education. So called “christians” really get pissy when you quote their own book at them refudiating [2]I couldn’t help poking phone at Sarah Palin’s stupidity. their nonsense.

I find the best way to approach said nut-jobs is to reply to them in calm, matter-of-fact tones, no matter how excited they get. This drives them absolutely fucking nuts! Being unable to rile you sends them into frenzies of anger. heehee It really is quite fun and I highly recommend it.

References

References
↑1 Of course, anyone w/spell and grammar check can do that with a minimal of effort.
↑2 I couldn’t help poking phone at Sarah Palin’s stupidity.

Dad

Continuing in the last vein of thought, I’m looking back over my life with my father. Much of it was harsh but in the end, I felt we made a strong closure.

My dad only passed in the last decade so naturally his memories are stronger in my mind and nothing has blurred. I remember the early days with him when my foster mom was still alive. I remember moving from Louisiana to East TX with an extended layover in Houston. [1]What I didn’t know at the time was this was when my foster mom was first diagnosed with cancer. I remember how happy my dad was to be in the country. [2]Which was even more remote than my home town, if you can believe it. lol  I remember how he embraced our new life in the wilderness. He was a man alive and it was obvious he loved his life at that time. I remember him building our house. I remember being curled up in his lap sitting in the giant window overlooking the new wilderness we lived in. I remember him reading to me in that same window. His reading sparked my own love of reading and zest for knowledge. I remember him guiding and counseling me when I was plagued by nightmares and spirits. He didn’t make fun of me or make light of what I was feeling. I remember the pain in his face when my mom started getting really sick. I remember the nights after she died when he would pass out drunk on the floor in misery. I remember not understanding how someone so big and strong in my eyes was capable of tears. I remember the sadness that came after. I remember being left with my older brother while he worked longer and longer hours.

A couple years later, I can remember meeting what would become my new step-mother. I can remember seeing my dad smile again. I remember how that first year with her was warm and good. I can remember the birth of my younger brother and how happy it made him. I can also remember how hard he worked just to keep clothes on our back. I can remember seeing him so tired from manual labor he would sleep for a solid night and day to recover.

Unfortunately, I can remember the growing rift my step-mother forced between us. I can remember the lies she told him to prevent me from telling him what was really going on. I can remember the bouts of anger when he would lash out at me. I can remember the bruises that remained after. I can remember the day I came out to him when he hurt me like he’d never hurt me before. I can remember for the first time in my life being afraid of him. I can remember the anguish knowing he didn’t love me anymore and that in his eyes I no longer existed. I can remember wondering why I couldn’t be like his real sons. I remember the many years never speaking, never knowing if he ever thought of me.

I remember when he got sick, the kind of sick you don’t recover from. I can remember my brothers telling me to hurry back home before it was too late. I can remember seeing the husk of what used to be a strong/vibrant man, now ravaged by cancer. I can remember for only the 2nd or 3rd time in my life seeing my father cry as he told me for the very first time he regretted what he did to me. I remember seeing the relief that flooded his soul upon hearing I had forgiven him years before for all that he had done. I remember him telling me he loved me and that he was proud of the man I had become. I remember him not wanting me to go when I left to return to SF. I remember knowing in my heart that he would be dead soon. I remember the call sitting in my voicemail when arriving in SF that he had passed. I remember the relief I felt for him then and now. I remember being happy I could give him peace before he died.

Dad, I wish our time together had been longer. I wish we hadn’t lost so many years while I was growing up. I miss the bond we had when I was young and you were my shining light in the darkness of a big bad scary world. We weren’t the closest but I still remember the good that you gave me.

References

References
↑1 What I didn’t know at the time was this was when my foster mom was first diagnosed with cancer.
↑2 Which was even more remote than my home town, if you can believe it. lol

Mom

*This was supposed to be a post about both my parents but it evolved into a post about my mom.  I’ll do a follow up post regarding my dad.*

 

It’s that time of year when I look back on my life. The anniversary of the deaths of both my adopted mother [1]No, NOT my stepmother. I almost never think of her and when I do there is usually a curse word on the tip of my tongue. and father are upon me. While decades apart in occurrence, the calendar dates are weeks apart.

It pains me at times that the memories of my mother’s features are becoming less and less distinct in my mind. I can still see her in my mind but the image is a bit blurry now. Ironically, the memory of our time together is still very strong. I can remember spending hours just watching her sew. I can remember her humming while she cooked dinner at night. I can remember her consoling me when I would hurt myself playing. I can remember her feeding the chickens in the yard. I can remember riding in the back seat of the old car. I can remember how I felt when I realized at the ripe age of 5 she was sick, and not the kind of sick you get better from. I can remember begging her to hold on until I turned 7. I can remember her crying because her heart was breaking seeing me so innocent; begging her to stay, knowing she was powerless to do anything. I can remember after she died watching her family go into hysterics at the funeral. I can remember thinking, "if mommy is with god now, why is everyone so hysterical?" I can remember deciding I would never attend another funeral in my life [2]and I haven’t. I can remember going to her grave site years later begging her to take the gay out of me. (This was when I didn’t understand there was nothing really wrong with me.) I can remember crying on her grave, collapsing in a heap of exhaustion, because I felt guilty for almost taking my own life out of despair when I lost my first love. I can remember the sadness the day I realized I’d lived longer w/o her than I had with her.

Mommy, I still love and miss you. The pain of your loss has ebbed over time but I still remember the love you gave me. I remember when you had no reason at all to take me into your life, you took me with no questions asked and brooked no argument to the contrary from anyone. I’m grateful that before the years of torture and pain from my stepmother that I had a mom I can look back on with love and fond remembrance. And even though I can’t say I think of you as often as I did in those days, I still think of you. I still hold onto the good that you gave me. I hope that where ever you are you know that you made a difference in my young life.

References

References
↑1 No, NOT my stepmother. I almost never think of her and when I do there is usually a curse word on the tip of my tongue.
↑2 and I haven’t.

Comments

So I’m considering disabling my janrain plugin and switching to Intense Debate. I’m taking feedback from anyone who has used Intense Debate as an end user and/or on your own site.

This really only affects folks that log in via universal log-ins like Google, OpenID, Twitter, etc. Those of you who have your  own log-ins here, won’t be affected. [1]This means you still have access to all the “private” stuff I post from time to time. heehee  The janrain plugin is easy to install but the back end setup takes more programming knowledge than I have to keep it running correctly. Plus, every time one of the big players update their api’s I end up having to start over with fixing it on my end. I don’t really have the time to screw with it. I like janrain because everything remains in-house, meaning all my comments are stored in my blog, not on someone else’s servers. This removes any problems with people not being able to comment if afore mentioned other servers go down.

There are a variety of comment management systems out there. I don’t like Disqus as I always have problems trying to use their platform from mobile devices. For whatever reason, the log-in mechanism never seems to go thru. Even worse, the comment box doesn’t seem to come thru as an actual box so I can’t activate the keyboard to type. Since about 70% of how I access blogs these days is thru mobile devices, I sure as hell ain’t planning to shoot myself in the foot. lol

Intense Debate seems to be very tightly integrated with WordPress. Instead of trying to hold all my comments, they sync with my WordPress installation. In simple terms, they keep comments added thru their platform on their servers but they also sync with my WordPress installation. In a nutshell, this means I get to keep my old and new comments. And, if I ever decide to ditch the platform I still keep all my comments. But wait, there’s more! I also don’t have to worry about mobile comments as my mobile plugin uses the WordPress built in comment system, which gets synced! I remember way back when I migrated from Blogger to WordPress, I lost all my comments. They didn’t have an import-comment function then and to do it manually was more headache than I wanted to research. Intense Debate also offers a variety of log-in options built into their platform. That means I don’t have to manage it on my own. You could still leave comments via your favorite universal long-in.

The only problem I can foresee is a user conflict if/when I switch over. Even when using universal log-ins, WordPress creates an internal user account on my blog tied to your email. I don’t know if a different platform like Intense Debate would understand if it’s the same user account or try to create a new one, which would generate a conflict. I sent Intense Debate an email asking how it would work since I couldn’t find anything in their FAQ or support pages.

Wish me luck!

References

References
↑1 This means you still have access to all the “private” stuff I post from time to time. heehee