Author: Moby

Still Learning

I guess I’m still evolving as a human. A good sign I’m sure. *I’m also feeling long winded tonight*

A lot has transpired lately between TFA and I. [1]You’ve read the parts I choose to share. What is lacking are the private posts of me having pity parties. A huge chunk is hard to discuss as I do not wish to violate his wish for privacy. However, there are things in my head I need to force into the open so it can receive a proper beating from my id. Most of you following my love life know it has most definitely been a rocky road. LOL The last break up and several the jump starts in between make for interesting reading if nothing else.

My capacity to love is almost boundless. That said, one of my biggest shortcomings is I often feel like it is not enough unless that love is returned. What an ugly road that leads too. To love someone unconditionally means to love w/o limits and w/o the need for validation. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a little validation from time to time. However, that is a huge jump from needing constant validation of self thru the expression from another. [2]Try saying that five times real fast. I have no doubts that TFA came into my life for a reason. I am being given a chance to examine my behavior and shortcomings. I can either improve upon them or continue to wallow in self-doubt.

With that in mind, I am discovering I can let go of my fears. TFA has a lot on his plate right now beyond just worrying about his connection to me. [3]I am starkly reminded of my own situation a few years ago. It was no easy task going thru a breakup, moving twice in 30 days, the death of my father, and a struggling financial setting. He will often withdraw when things are particularly difficult or he is struggling. Bouncing around the planet every few days does nothing to give one a sense of comfort either. Anyway, when he withdraws my reaction is to begin doubting my self-worth. I’m realizing more and more what a waste of effort that is. I feel very strongly for him. As I sit here contemplating, I’m hit with the realization I’m not concerned if he loves me back. Oh sure, I’d like it if he did but that is beyond the point. For the first time in my life, I find I’m not needing validation for the way I feel. I feel the way I do and that is enough. I find looking on it this way significantly diminishes my fear of loss or rejection. I feel almost free in a way. Is it possible I am truly learning to love unconditionally? Wouldn’t that be one for the record books? No, I’m not so foolish to think this little epiphany will solve everything. Yet, it is a very startling and uplifting outlook on my future.

TFA sent me an email tonight apologizing for his recent bout of withdrawal. [4]He is currently in Athens He often does when he has a chance to process things and comes back to his feeling of comfort. It actually tickles me that I’m able to see the pattern and not react to it. I’m digressing. . . I responded back with a reply that may soothe him or blow up in my face. I’ve been holding back a lot of how I feel and trying very hard not to project my own issues onto him. My reply tonight had a lot to do with how I feel. I am proud to say I was able to express it without the implication that I need his love in return. And frankly, it is not the outcome that is important to me. It is the honest expression of my feelings without any expectation that is important. If he bails, that will be on his terms and will not change the way I feel. I can still come away knowing I am learning to love without limitations. I can hold my head up and be confident in myself and know that no one else need justify my feelings other than me.

*I’ve come back afterwards to add more here*

After letting my comments above stew for awhile, I find I’m in an incredibly good mood. What a very free feeling it is to find myself letting go of a fear that has plagued me my whole life. It is not gone but it is my hope I am learning to move beyond the hard-wired emotion. Fear is a base emotion originally meant to protect us. However, in the world today it often serves just the opposite. To think I can finally rise above it is a very empowering feeling. I used to say in my old journals that “hope springs eternal”. I don’t think I ever truly believed it before but I definitely think I do now.

References

References
↑1 You’ve read the parts I choose to share. What is lacking are the private posts of me having pity parties.
↑2 Try saying that five times real fast.
↑3 I am starkly reminded of my own situation a few years ago. It was no easy task going thru a breakup, moving twice in 30 days, the death of my father, and a struggling financial setting.
↑4 He is currently in Athens

Bad Moby

I am sooo behind on my blogroll. Serves me right for having a life. I’m working on it. Cut me some slack already. :-P I was offline almost the whole weekend. Can you believe it? I got back to discover someone trying to use my blog to generate sales lead. HIGH-larious if you think about it. Bringing the list of banned IP’s up to six. If you need my blog to generate sales leads, you truly are desperate!

Anyway, I drove up to Sacramento this past weekend. I went to see a friend who lives there. He always comes here so I figured it was my turn. I had a nice time however, I don’t much care for Sac. as a city. Some parts were pretty but it just reminded me of the urban sprawl mentality, which I don’t much care for. The ride back was miserable. Cold, wet, and windy. Ugh. It was a long ride too. About a hundred miles each way. At least the bike is getting put thru its paces.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not but the roomie and I switched bedrooms this past weekend as well. Because of my schedule, I tend to be a late sleeper. My room faces the morning sun and is incredibly bright. I don’t much care for curtains so I was relegated to sleeping with a mask on my face at night. [1]I know, what an image right? My room also was also directly above the garage door opener. Add ear plugs to my sleeping regimine. The roomies room is darker and on the opposite side of the apartment. He is an early riser so the sun and noise aren’t a bother. All I can say is I’m glad that is done. Hell, it felt like I was moving and I HATE moving. Last night was the first night in the new room and I’m already liking it.

Of course, I’m sure it will confuse all of his repeat tricks. [2]and mine, shhh! Speaking of, I’m convinced his old room is full of demons so the preist is coming next week for the exorcism. And speaking of the roomie, being unemployed and all now, he is off to see the family for the holiday. I get the apt. to myself for two whole weeks! What will I do with myself for that long solo? lol I’m just kidding of course. The roomie and I get along very well and I’ll miss him.

Shizer! Time for work. I’ll try to update more later.

References

References
↑1 I know, what an image right?
↑2 and mine, shhh!

Funny Conversation II

Overhead in the gym this week.

Dude 1: Wow, you are looking hot. How you been?

Dude 2: Thanks bro, I have been hitting the weights pretty hard. I don’t have anything on you though man.

Dude 1: Sheeet, I totally beat off to you, you know that right?

*

Overhead in the Castro

Boy 1: Why on Earth would you marry that queen? He is so pompous and arrogant.

Boy 2: He has a 9″ cock and a trust fund.

*

Phone conversation at work.

Caller (female obviously from the South): I just wanted you to know how ashamed I am of you people out there in San Francisco. Promoting the homosexual lifestyle and the entire fall of society.

Me: Ma’am, I’m a homo, do you have an emergency to report?

*click*

Update IV

Been a bit distracted lately so no posts. I’m back.

The past weekend w/TFA was nice. No natural disasters this time so we got to spend some quality time bonding and getting to know each other more. We skipped all the touristy stuff. We got to the beach one day, movies the next but mostly we spent quality time at home relaxing and enjoying the down time. I made the mistake of telling him the one ticklish spot on my body. He spent the whole weekend tickling me every chance he got. [1]My voice tends to go up several octaves when I’m being tickled.

In work related news, I got notice today that I am being sued by a previous trainee. [2]She is suing quite a few people in the dept as well. I am not in the least bit worried. The dept. bent over backwards to not only accommodate her but also gave her an incredibly lengthy extension beyond what anyone else has ever received. I am dismayed she simply refuses to accept the simple truth the job function was beyond her abilities.

The xbox is finally back! They sent me a new one as promised. So far, it is working like a dream. I haven’t had much time to play but I did get a couple hours in yesterday playing Bioshock. Excellent game. Given a choice, I have to say the xbox still beats the PS3. Sorry Sony, you dropped the ball.

References

References
↑1 My voice tends to go up several octaves when I’m being tickled.
↑2 She is suing quite a few people in the dept as well.

Ouch Goes the Tongue

I can always tell when I’m on the verge of getting sick as my emotions go all bouncy bouncy. I’ve been feeling a little down the last few days. I’ve cut back on my gym time and been getting my ass to bed early. It has helped. Last night I took an Ambien and slept very soundly. This morning I still was feeling a little tired and someone said something to me and it just hit me the wrong way. I almost burst into tears. Twenty minutes later I was completely over it and not at all upset. [1]I think I’m PMS’ing. For guys it stands for Pansy Man Syndrome.

After a bigger than usual breakfast and then sushi with the roomie, I was feeling a lot better. The nagging itch in my throat is gone so hopefully I’m on the mend. I sure as hell hope so as I’m flying out to San Diego in a couple days to see TFA.

I did get a little good news today. My new replacement Xbox is arriving on Monday. It was actually due to arrive today but the stupid UPS guy didn’t show up so had to reschedule. Considering I’ll be out of town, the additional delay won’t kill me. I can’t wait to get back into playing Bioshock. I finished Ratched & Clank on the PS3 for the 2nd time so it couldn’t have come at a better time. *g*

Not much else to ramble about. My brain is feeling very empty at the moment.

**Update** Looks like he might be coming up to SF instead. The flights are all full from his trip back abroad and he would have trouble getting to SD before I did. I don’t really care. Here, there it’s all good as long I get to see him.

References

References
↑1 I think I’m PMS’ing. For guys it stands for Pansy Man Syndrome.

Vroom!

I went for a 100 mile ride today. The weather was so beautiful I just couldn’t stop. I normally drive over to Stinson Beach which is only about 20 miles North of the city. Today, I was leapfrogging w/two other riders I happened upon along the way and kept right on going. Next thing I know we’ve already passed the 50 mile marker. One guy was being a show off and ended up speeding off after discovering the other guy and myself wasn’t on his level. The other guy slowed next to me and I could see the smirk on his face. He and I stayed together for about 40 more miles before pulling over for a break. He was a young fucker but damn if he wasn’t hot. We ended up stopping at Bodega Bay.
View Larger Map We grabbed a snack and hung out talking about our bikes for awhile. He had a 500 as well so we were evenly matched for a ride. At one point, he asked if my girlfriend liked the fact I ride. I said, "well the boyfriend doesn’t much care for motorcycles". He didn’t even blink and said, "damn why is it all the good riders I meet are gay guys?" I guess my jaw must have dropped because he laughed. Turns out the last 3 guys he met on the same strip were all gay. Who knew?

Moby in gear
Moby Gear

I took my camera but like a dumbass I left the storage card in the laptop AT HOME. I wanted to get a couple pics of the hottie. Didn’t happen sadly. However, since someone decided I had too many self pics on the blog, I thought I’d show a couple more of me. These were taken at home after I got back. I think I look worn out (cause that is how I feel).

Gear 2.0
Moby Gear

Anyway, Grant (his name) wanted to keep going but I knew I was at my limit and it was getting dark. He was all bummed out when I declined to go with him on up the coast. I was tempted let me tell ya! Well, until he said he wanted me to meet his girlfriend. "Oh my, look at the time, gotta go!" We did exchange numbers. He lives in Sausalito just over the bridge. It would be nice to have another riding buddy. He says he goes on Sundays often which works w/my schedule.

Overall, it was an awesome ride. Hwy 1 is nothing but curves the whole way which makes for some fun. I’m glad I came back when I did because it got dark and chilly toward the end and I only had my mesh jacket on.

So what did you do today?

Tinker4

Well, I was tinkering w/the blog comments but I immediately didn’t like the way the plugin worked so I axed it. Same reason I won’t switch to haloscan, it takes my comments outside my own server and I’m left relying on the speed of another’s network.

Speaking of, for the life of me I can’t get my comments to open in a pop-up window instead of reloading a page. I’ve inserted the appropriate tag where it says I should and still no luck. Any of you PHP’ers out there w/insight, drop me a note.