Category: culture

Straight-Acting?

I’m going on a rant today.

Does anyone get annoyed when you see those “straight-acting” logo’s that are numbered to represent how “straight-acting” you are? I absolutely detest those things. When I encounter them online, my respect for said person drops significantly. Probably not fair on my part but I can’t help it.

I’m loathe to admit it but when the site (no, I won’t link to it) first came out years (and I do mean years) ago, I took the test. I have an excuse as I was barely out of my teens and still ignorant. Even then, I was immediately disappointed w/the questions. Questions that are completely biased. Not to mention, it perpetuates the negative backward view our society has developed of what it means to be a “masculine” man. For example, if you enjoy gardening, that drops your point scale significantly. I know some pretty hot fucking landscapers who sweat more masculinity than some of these queens who wear their logo’s like a badge of honor.

I’m not bitter, nope, uh-huh, not me. (I just think we have enough battles to fight w/o fostering internalized homophobia amongst ourselves.)

Pain or Pride?

The weekend fast approaches and with it comes Gay Pride celebration. The city is already a buzz w/visitors arriving early. The Castro is crawling w/tourists and newbies gawking, giggling, laughing, etc. Not that I mind at all. The eye candy is always stimulating. It just makes things a bit difficult when you are trying to get from point M to point Q and everyone stops w/o notice in the middle of the sidewalk. No, I don’t mind at all.

My annoyance is fleeting however. I support Pride celebrations 100%. That said, I’ve already noticed the pride-bashing on several blogs. Gays who think they are above pride or look down on it because it shows the more ‘colorful’ side of our community. I, for one, am grateful for the more flamboyant side of our culture. After all, they helped to jump start our movement in the first place. The excuse that it does nothing but hurt our cause doesn’t hold water in my opinion. The only people who dislike pride celebrations hate us already. Oh and the pathetic attempt at ‘decency in front of children’? Oh please! My straight parents inflicted way more harm on me than seeing a half naked man/woman at a parade ever could.

I guess the point I am trying, not so elegantly, to make is Pride is not about all the hoopla you see at parades. It is about what you feel inside. Acceptance of yourself. The realization that you are not a freak, a disease, or an abomination as so many would have you believe. You are a human being, like every other, born into an imperfect world. A world that, for all it’s advances, hasn’t managed to grow up yet. Empower yourself this Pride. Whether you’re out on float dancing your ass off or home, as usual, doing what it is you do, take a moment to reflect and be happy w/the life you’ve been given. Good or bad, it is what you make of it. That is true of all of us – gay,straight, bi, whatever.

BCC Meet & Greet II

Ok, so here are the pics I promised.

#1 Kitten on the Keys doing a quck “kitty pose” for the camera.

kitty pose

#2 Here is Kitton on the Keys BEFORE the wardrobe malfunction. (Janet is furious!)

Wardrobe

#3 OH, here is that “guitar player” I mentioned…..*how did that get in there*

Lead Guitar Man

#4 PepperSpray in full glam doing IT!

PepperSpray!
If you look just inside the bent arm of the Lead Singer in Stripes, you can see my mug poking out. I was helping w/the sound stage.

#5 Last but not least, me forcing a smile after a LONG day.

Tired Moby

Me Man, You Woman…oomf oomf!

Thanks to Johnny is a Man for the fantastic link to this post. By far, one of the most eloquent statements I’ve ever read. While a bit on the derogatory side, it summed up a huge chunk of how I feel about internalized homophobia in our community.

(snip)
This Rocco queen is pissing me off. He’s currently trotting out little more than a kernal of experience (along with several dollops of resentment towards the gay community) as evidence supporting the same tired, warmed-over horseshit about how uppity gays who get bashed were really asking for it because they weren’t walking around in a constant state of siege.

(snip)
Basically he’s saying that gays have gotten uppity, let their guard down, and should simply accept the fact that if they behave too much like “fags,” they shouldn’t be surprised when they get bashed. And how reassuring an argument it is that all you need to do to prevent getting bashed is butch it up, and if you can’t or won’t conform to the macho code, tough shit.

Having heard the issue of masculinity beaten to and fro like an old dog it’s refreshing to see a better perspective. More and more we (as gays) are beginning to see beyond the shallow confines of the implied prerequisites of being a “man” in this country.

Hon! Have You Seen My Morals?

I often find that conversations involving morality (and monogamy but thats another rant ) always seem to end up in a bitch fight. Neither side is willing to listen or relent and both end up vehemently attacking the other.

I’m trying to collect my thoughts to make this rant sound coherent but ideas keep colliding w/each other so I’ll ask you to bear w/me. . . I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m tired of the factions within the gay community constantly at war w/each other. One side uses their morality as a shield w/their self-righteous speeches proclaiming they’re superiority because they have morality on their side. The other side uses their sexual freedom as an ax to chop away at the traditions society has built up for years and years. Yet, neither side really tries to listen to the other. No one tries to find a middle ground. It’s always “my way or the highway!” Ya know what folks, that same attitude is what has this country in the political quandry its in today!

I still feel like I’m still missing my point. Maybe I can focus on the term itself.

Morality is defined as

1. descriptively to refer to a code of conduct put forward by a society or,
1. some other group, such as a religion, or
2. accepted by an individual for her own behavior or
2. normatively to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational persons.

At first read, both definitions sound the same. If you read it that way, re-read it until you see the difference. It is pointless to read further until you understand the above definitions differences.

*ok I stopped here out of frustration. I couldn’t find the right words so after several hours of reading, I found what I was trying to say, albeit not so elegantly.*

…. it is not useful to adopt a definition of “morality” as meaning the code of conduct accepted by the members of a society because in many large societies, not all members of the society accept the same code of conduct. Nor is it useful to adopt a somewhat more general definition of “morality” as the code of conduct accepted by the members of a group because it is not only always possible, it is often the case, that not all members of any group accept the same code. A natural outcome of these problems is to switch attention from groups to individuals. If what is important is what code of conduct people accept, and members of a group do not always accept the same code of conduct, then why be concerned with groups at all?

This consideration leads to a new descriptive sense of “morality.” “morality” is taken to mean that guide to behavior that is regarded by an individual as overriding and that he wants to be universally adopted. [See R. M. Hare, Moral Thinking] In this sense of “morality,” it refers to a guide to behavior accepted by an individual rather than that put forward by a society or any other group. But “morality” does not refer to just any guide to behavior accepted by an individual, it is that guide to behavior that the individual adopts as his overriding guide, and wants everyone else to adopt as their overriding guide as well. This sense of “morality” is a descriptive sense, because a person can refer to an individual’s morality without endorsing it. In this sense, like the original descriptive sense, morality has no limitations on content. Whatever guide to behavior an individual regards as overriding and wants to be universally adopted is that individual’s morality.

This quote was taken direclty from Standford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Now we are getting somewhere! The picture once fuzzy becomes clear. (well at least for me.) We begin to see that morality is an ambiguous term at best. How can we expect to come together as a group if we are all focusing on our morality instead of our equality. It should be quite clear that we’ll never have the same morality as those who oppose and hate us.

If we don’t learn to move beyond our multi-cultural/racial views on morality, frankly folks, I think we are doomed as a species.

Well, I’ve beat this horse to death so I’m moving on now. Discuss, comment, or bitch as you will.

No Tramp Zone

I’ve been catching up on my blogrolling and I stumbled across Dunner’s posts on gays and public sex. On his first rant, I think he sorta failed to explain himself. I guess after a spirited debate he decided to clarify his positon. On his second rant, he is much more to the point. That said, I still think he is missing the bigger picture.

First off, I have a lot of respect for Dunner and he is one of my favorite reads. I often find his rants to be very insightful and fair minded. I’m usually in agreement w/him on most topics. I think he is more articulate than I am which only serves to increase my interest. That said, I do find at times, like today, our opinions differ. I think it has a lot to do w/age. Granted at 34, I’m only 10 years his senior. But 1o years on the hard side of life can be a good teacher. From what I’ve read of Dunner, his life, while not w/o tribulations, has been blissful by my own standards. If anything, I’ve learned that when it comes to life and society, there is never an easy answer or quick fix as it were.

In a nutshell, Dunner states that if we ever expect society as a whole to accept us then we have to curtail our promiscuity in public.

It’s the same reason why we need to expose hypocrites like Jim West, politicians who spit antigay rhetoric and then expect pity when they own up to their homosexual behavior. If we create a society where it’s clear that gay relationships and gay sexuality are to be as respected as their straight counterparts, life will be easier for all homosexuals, and true equality will be found. But if we’re to expect to gain equal respect for gay sexuality, we gotta cut out the tomfoolery in the public steam room and instead find healthy ways to express it.

As I see it, that is sorta putting the horse before the wagon. If we are still battling for the right to even get married, how can we expect to “find healthy ways to express it.” Our over zealous need for sexual release stems from our constant repression. So from my perspective, we have to fix the problem itself before we can work on fixin the symptoms it has created.

Pop on over and have a read if you haven’t already. Andymatic also weighs in on the subject. What say you?

Man Smells or Stank?

I guess I’m on a bitch fest this week.

Something I’ve noticed while living here. It is one of the few things that annoys me about SF. There is this trend it seems of guys being into ‘pits, man smells, etc.’ While I love a a fresh pit, I’ve discovered most of these folks are referring to not bathing. I’m not a big cologne person. It is just not conducive to the climate here to wear lots of cologne. That said, I bath often, use a low smell deodorant, and the rest is el natural. I’ll be the first to admit I love the smell of a guy after a fresh workout and he is all sweaty. I think many (I’m guessing) will agree it is a turnon. However, that same smell tainted by bacteria and stale sweat four days later is NOT.

I bring it up because I’m standing in Daddybucks yesterday waiting my turn for the restroom. This tiny old leathery wrinkled looking thing comes saddling up next to me in line. Forgetting for a moment, he is eyeing me up/down as if I’m to be his next meal, I’m all for niceties. We exchanged “hello, great day out, blah blah blah” and then the stench of him hit me. OMG! I literally thought I was gonna puke. This guy was as ripe as they come. I scooted away to get myself out of his range. Needless to say it didn’t work. Thank the fates I was next in line and quickly escaped.

Yesterday wasn’t my first encounter w/said phenomena however, it got me to wondering how the hell do people get stuck on quirks like this?

Multiple Dating

I cross posted this from my tribe. I got some great and honest responses so I thought I’d post here as well and see what you folks think.

So heres a question. Can you or do you date more than one guy at the same time?

I’ve never been able to pull it off successfully. I know in the straight world it seems perfectly acceptable to have multiple suitors until one is chosen. However, I always end up feeling guilty and two-faced and it ALWAYS seems to happen to me.

I met a really nice guy a week or so back and we’ve just begun getting to know each other. I then run into another guy at the gym and we hit it off as well. Now the second guy wants to start dating as well.

Of course, TH is the one I was referring to. And if I had to go just on looks, I’d go for TH as he just does it for me in that area.

I probably over analyzing it but I made a promise to myself this year that I would take care of me first. Should I play the field and see whats out there? I usually just end up feeling so damned guilty as if I’m cheating. My best friend T usually says, “unless there is a ring on my finger, I’m still single and that means I can go out w/whoever.” Well, true but I’m not built that way.

This sorta goes back to my “Good Man” post. I try to be a good guy because I know thats what I want in return. And I wouldn’t want some guy I’m into two-timing w/someone else. And for clarity, I’m not referring to sex. Sex is so easy to find in this city. Its like pizza, you can go online and order in. I’m talking about the emotional aspects.

I’ve already made up my mind on how I plan to proceed but I’d love some feedback. (Write it down folks, Moby is actually ASKING for help!)

A Good Man?

Today was my first venture out per say since getting sick. I decided to hop over to the Eagle for some socializing. Not bad. Ran into some friends but didn’t see the ones I had originally planned to.

So while I’m there, I happen to bump into a guy who I have been a bit “biblical” with. He promptly gives me a quick wink and then proceeds to avoid me the rest of the time. I tend to find this type of behavior amusing now however, it used to bother me a lot. Having matured a bit, I no longer assume something is wrong w/me. While this exchange is occurring, I hear my group discussing a rather worn out topic. “Where are all the good men?” So this got got me to thinking. (brains and liquor…hmmm?) How many times have I heard this? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard guys go on an on about how there are “no good men” left in the dating pool.

As it turns out, I run into an old bf (no, not THE ex). M and I dated very briefly. He got annoyed that I wasn’t able to offer more at the time and stopped calling. So years later, we are friends again. Back to the story. We decide to have dinner tonight and he rants/raves about how he has given up on dating. I caught myself counting, waiting for the catch phrase. I swear, I counted in my head. 1…2….3…wait for it….4….5…BAM! “There are just not any good men around anymore!” There it was. I laughed and continued the conversation not feeling the need to go on about it.

What is a “good man”? The older I get the more I am of the belief that a successful relationship is not based on how much you love someone but on how much you are able to put up w/him. Wait, before you think I’m just being bitter, let me clarify. The success of an LTR I think depends on how you treat each other in the bad times. The good times are easy and require no control on your part. On the other hand, in the bad times we tend to show our base selves. It is at this critical moment that I think determines how successful a LTR will be.

Had I applied this train of thought to my previous relationship, I might have saved myself the heartbreak. I routinely make myself out to be a martyr as far as my ex is concerned. And while he did do a lot of things wrong, I have come to realize that I had a part to play as well. I enabled him to continue the cycle by over rationalizing his actions. This discovery tends to knock the wind out of my sails of self-righteousness a bit.

Here I go rambling again. (focus, focus, focus) IMO, we are usually the same “men” that we complain about. Blame it on society, gay culture, being sex-obsessed, whatever. Nine times out of ten, we bitch about meeting quality men but never do anything to make ourselves a “quality man”. And I’m not talking about muscles or good looks. Muscles you can get but, if you aren’t building the inside no matter how good the outside gets you’re still left w/the same old you on the inside. So as not to sound like a hypocrite, I’m pretty sure I fall into this category as well at times.

My advice to anyone who whines about not being able to find a good guy. Are you someone the guy you want would want in return? If no, then I suggest you become the qualities you seek. And don’t confuse the issue here, I’m not referring to muscles. I’m refering to the inner qualities. As my best friend is fond of saying, “Your looks will get you in the door but, it is your character that will keep you there.”

Strong words to live by.