Category: me

Moved

In case you missed all my jubilations on Google and FB, The Pup is here! I couldn’t be happier. I have a permanent grin on my face and I ain’t even about to pretend otherwise. hehehe The support from our respective group of friends has been awesome as well.

The move itself went off w/very little complication. In fact, it was one of the easiest moves I’ve ever done. The Pup had most of the heavy work done before I arrived in Phoenix. The only thing left was to finish the packing, pick up the truck and drive away. And it flowed just like that. No issues, no drama, no unexpected problems. He is also very fortunate to have two very good friends who dropped everything to help him in every way possible. The debt of gratitude is immense. He is truly fortunate to have such good friends.

The drive was an arduous 13-hour ordeal. Beyond that unavoidable aspect, it went off without a hitch. We left late morning, drove straight thru with stops for food and gas, and arrived at 12:30am in SF. [1]That strip of I-5 to Hwy 152 is extremely dull and boring. It it easy to forget that outside most of the big cities California is mostly farm land. Driving from LA to SF will remind you of that very quickly!

Anyway, so many little but important things gave way to this happening. My gut tells me this was meant to be and I can’t find a good reason to doubt it. hehehe  Like our relationship, everything just sort of tumbled into place. My being on a work project gave me a lot of scheduling flexibility I would not have otherwise had. His job transfer came out of the blue at a time when we really didn’t expect to find it. The move going so incredibly smooth and uneventful was just a finishing touch.

This week he is adjusting to his life here and his new job. He got a transfer so is already working. Sadly, he isn’t overly impressed with his new location. On the flip side, he has wanted to move into other things so we only need to get him thru the holidays and he can start looking for other opportunities. Just having employment will take so much stress off of us both though. (No, he does not want to enter my field of work.)

I’m so excited about our future together I can barely contain myself. I find I am eagerly excited to get home every day now just to see him. I know, I’m being all mushy but whatevs. I luvs him and ain’t afraid to show it.

He has said several times, “It doesn’t feel real yet.” In some ways, it doesn’t feel real for me either. The idea of having pretty much everything I’ve ever asked for is quite new to me. It feels a little surreal. I think a few weeks of settling into a schedule and a nice rhythm together will help it sink in for both of us.

References

References
↑1 That strip of I-5 to Hwy 152 is extremely dull and boring.

Young

It is no secret I’ve never really been into young guys. And by young, I mean guys in their 20’s (or younger). I seem to be noticing a trend of very young guys being all up in my grill as of late. While I have no problem with being a Daddy, if I’m literally old enough to be your father, I am soooo not interested. lol

Maybe I am old-fashioned but even in the gay world, I think there should be some limitations. I’m all for not getting hung up on someone’s age but being more than half my age younger is just too much. [1]The fact my Pup is 10 years my junior should demonstrate my flexibility.  I won’t say it’s wrong as to what two consenting adults do, but when you are in your 20’s you rarely have an objective view of being in a relationship, much less with someone twice your age.

A very young man happened to see me at the Casto St Fair. I never saw him but apparently he saw me. He hit me up online later and was very insistent we ‘hang out.’  I’m sure you can gather what that meant. lol He was literally 2 days past his 20th birthday and looked very boyish. Both of which do nothing for me. I politely declined, several times. He was indignant at this point and jumped from calling me an ageist (he got points for at least knowing the term) to a racist. Don’t ask me how I was racist considering he looked white. lol He then tried the arrogant route as if his age was somehow a blessing to me and I should be grateful he even offered. Nope, still not interested.

After I had stopped responding, I guess he figured he’d try again. This time he asked why I wasn’t interested. Instead of feeding into that, I explained to him that the why wasn’t important and he shouldn’t ask that. He clearly had no idea how to handle rejection [2]lord knows we all go thru it so I took it upon myself to explain it to him. No matter what a person says regarding the ‘why’, it’s going to offend you. You’re going to be defensive no matter what so it is an exercise in futility. Instead of wondering why, move on. No one is everyone’s type and attraction has to be both ways for it to work. That’s all you really need to know. If someone takes the time to politely decline instead of ignoring you, be grateful they showed manners at all.

The kid seemed to really get it. He even apologized for being so rude. He kept hitting on me the whole time but he knew it wasn’t happening. I hope he learns from it and behaves better the next time.

References

References
↑1 The fact my Pup is 10 years my junior should demonstrate my flexibility.
↑2 lord knows we all go thru it

Split

I’ve been intrigued by some of the fallout over gay divorces lately. I surmised as we reached for equality many would brush aside or not even realize what that equal footing really meant. Now we see the down side of it, in other words divorce.

Many rushed forward to say those wonderful two words w/o truly considering what it meant. Sadly, some are discovering the unpleasant down side now. Gone are the days of DPs that can be dissolved with a simple signature on the dotted line. Welcome to the bitter brawls over assets and custody of children and pets. You no longer have the luxury of just splitting up and going opposite directions anymore. And I won’t even comment on the indignant outrage many have expressed over it. Welcome to true equality. It’s called community property because that’s how the divorce court sees it. okuuur?

And don’t get me wrong, I support our right to get married 100%. That will never change. Being equal under the law is a fundamental right. The fact we are still fighting for it in many states is an embarrassment to humanity. But now that we are finally obtaining that goal, we must take stock in what that truly means. We cannot be special but equal, only equal.

I’ve always been a big believer in levels of commitment in the legal form. And I think this is true of straight couples as well. Start out with a DP which bestows next of kin rights to your partner w/o necessarily committing to communal assets/debt. This gives you both time to test the waters to see if this is for the long haul. Then when you really think it will survive, go for the full enchilada of Marriage. To me, that would make total sense but I am not sure that will happen.

I think what will happen is you will see many cities and states do away completely with DP registries. We, like straights, will have two options, single or married. California so far hasn’t done anything. Living in SF, I currently have three options. City DP, State DP, or Marriage. The city DP gives you insurance and next of kin rights but requires no communal property. The State DP gives you pretty much the rights of marriage including communal property. The State DP also gave you joint filing on your State income taxes. Now that Marriage is legal once again in Cali, there may be no real need for the State DP anymore. The only difference I could see is if you didn’t want federal recognition, then it would be of benefit.

There has been some talk at the City level of doing away with the local DP registry. It hasn’t come to fruition yet but it would not surprise me. I hope that they don’t though. I hope they keep them separate to continue to give people a choice. Like many things in life, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Regardless of whatever your options are in your city, town, or state, take the time to really think things thru. Do a little googling and educate yourself. Gay or straight, asking for a pre-nup doesn’t mean your love or commitment is any less real. It does mean that you are taking a precaution in case things don’t end with a happy ever after. Fairy tales were meant to inspire not to delude. Being in love is a wonderful feeling [1]don’t I know it!, but don’t let it overwhelm your decision making skills. And for the record, you can dissolve a pre-nup at anytime you wish. You can even build a time-limit clause into it.

And to answer your burning question, no the Pup and I are not at that stage yet. I certainly hope the day will come but we aren’t there yet. He pretty much owns me anyway but that’s a whole other type of contract. hehehe

References

References
↑1 don’t I know it!

In

You knew it was coming…another post about the Pup! lol  Yeah, I’m gonna gush a little again.

Lately, more than a couple friends have referred to me as being “all-in” with the new Pup. They’ve commented on how happy I seem, how very eager I am, and also how much more open I am in public/social forums about my feelings. And they are right, I have been. I’ve been very expressive on and offline about how I feel. On the flip side, I have personally been a little worried of overwhelming him with all my expression. [1]Yes darlings, I can be overbearing and/or intense at times. I know, color you surprised!

I have been asking myself why exactly that is. Part of me is just very expressive and it is natural for me to show it. On top of that, blogging has taught me to be introspective and has sharpened my ability to articulate my feelings and emotions more eloquently. Then you mix in something so fundamentally new to me and you’re bound to see me express it. But is that all? Is that the only reasons? I’m not so sure.

In less than two shorts weeks, my beloved Pup will be here with me full time. Yeah, you read it hoes, full time! lolol He’s making the move to SF and I couldn’t be happier. So yeah, I express it a lot, to him and the world. In 7 short months, he has shown me what being in love with the right man for the right reasons can feel like. Some could consider that kind of fast and maybe it is. But having such a deep yet oddly simple connection, I don’t feel a need to be overly cautious. It feels more right than any LTR I’ve ever been in.

Having learned my lessons from previous LTRs, I think I might be overly sensitive about him moving here. I’ve gone out of my way to make sure he has a safety net. God forbid, if something were to happen he has his home in Phoenix to go back to. He originally wanted to sell it and I was very against that. I also insisted he have a transfer or job in place before he moved. Having been thru it before, I can tell you the financial stress can be disastrous for a budding LTR. A move is stressful enough w/o adding a job search into the mix. And don’t get me wrong, these weren’t all my ideas. We discussed and agreed to them together. The point is having learned from past mistakes and loving him so much, I’d never want him to fell trapped, stuck, or resentful.

On top of that, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in love with the right man at the right time for the right reasons. I have zero doubt. Zero. I have yet to ignore or push away a reg flag. That is certainly something I’ve never really been able to say to myself before.  We exist as our imperfect selves and we both seem to just resonate with the other. We are not perfect but I like to think we are perfect for each other. And this is not to turn it into something mythical or put it on a pedestal. I fully admit I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I’m sure he and I will have strife at some point. I am only describing the differences between previous relationships and this one.

And while I do not fear for our relationship, if for some unknown reason it didn’t work out, I would not have a single regret. I’m not settling. I’m not accepting behaviors thinking I can ‘handle them’ because I understand the motivations behind it. I am not pushing for the LTR out of loneliness. I am, for lack of a better description, wholly in love with a man whom loves me back just the same. I am truly grateful that for whatever reason he saw in me what he needed and wanted and went for it, even when I was on the brink of ending it all. [2]A story for another day but would have been the biggest mistake of my life. There is no way I could regret what I have with him, ever.

And even as I gush away here on my blog, I know that he is ok with it. He often tells me he doesn’t feel as expressive as I am. (Which makes him normal! lol) But when he does express himself, it is perfect (for me). He manages to convey so much in much fewer words than I. Maybe I should take a que from him? …Shut it! :p lol Ok seriously, he has assured me I have yet to make him feel overwhelmed, pressured, rushed, or even daunted.

So yeah, I’m all in on this one. I”m not holding anything back. No doubt, no regrets, no compromises on what I need or want. Does that make the potential for hurt that much greater? Sure it does. But the reward is so much more and absolutely worth it IMHO. And I’d be an idiot to let fear ruin the most wonderful thing in my life.

References

References
↑1 Yes darlings, I can be overbearing and/or intense at times. I know, color you surprised!
↑2 A story for another day but would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Home

Living in SF, I tend to be somewhat spoiled in many ways and am often reminded of that anytime I travel. SF is much more open, expressive, and accepting in many ways, including gays. It is referred to as a bubble for many reasons. During my recent trip to Nashville, I was reminded how very different said cultures can be. That is not to say one is bad or good. Nor is it to say one is necessary better than the other. They are just different. Some may appreciate comforts here not found elsewhere and vice-versa.

I bring it all up today as the trip sort of solidified my feelings about SF being my home. I was only gone a few days but I was truly homesick. It was the oddest thing. I was very happy to see my brother and my new nephew but I could not wait to get home. On the plane ride home I was anxious for the BART ride back into SF. I was very surprised at my reaction. I’ve been bemoaning the lack of any time outside of SF for a while now. With everything going on I haven’t had a real vacation away in several years. Yet, here I am only gone for 4 days and I couldn’t wait to get home!

I’ve always felt at home in SF but have often wondered if I have been limiting myself by saying I’d never move from here. I no longer think so. While I could leave, it would take some serious motivation. I love living in SF. The environment, attitudes, etc all mesh well with me. It has it’s problems and it certainly has things that drive me nuts but at the end of the day, I find it harder and harder to find other places in the US I’d rather live. I guess what I’m saying is I’m learning to appreciate my life in SF more. It was very much a whim and an interest that brought me here. And while I think I’ve appreciated it before, I don’t think I’ve ever realized what that appreciation brings me.

I planned the upcoming November cruise out of a strong desire to get out of SF. I am still looking forward to it but I no longer feel like I have to get away. I like the comforts of home and am realizing I have a lot of what I need in my life right here. If I’m being honest, with the Pup moving up soon, I’m beginning to feel truly blessed. Not in the religious sense but more just very grateful for the wonderful things I have. It hit me recently that I have almost all of the things I’ve ever wanted in my life. And while my life is far from perfect, it is truly a remarkable feeling to realize what I have. It’s funny, I spent so much of my life lamenting for better days, realizing they are here seems almost anti-climatic. Part of me likes to think I deserve it and it’s my time after a life-time of a lot of heartache and struggle. Part of me is on the other side and doesn’t think that universe deals in rewards for good behavior and I’m just lucky. lol Maybe it is a little bit of both.

In the end, I keep thinking about balance. I want to believe that my life is balancing out the bad with the good. Yes, I recognize much of my fortunes now come from more than a decade of personal growth. I could not have had the relationship I have now 10 years ago. I simply was not capable of it. I have worked very hard to be the type of man I can be proud of. And while I recognize there are no guaranteesin life, I can still appreciate reaping some reward for my hard work. I can appreciate, regardless of the reasons, how good I truly have it. I sincerely hope everyone can experience it, at least once in their own life.

Trip

Moe, Bro, and his hoe….

Yet another non-Pup related post. Aren’t you proud of me?! lolol

Anyway, I am on a work trip to Nashville, TN as we speak. lol  This means I am missing part of GHHD #3 in SF. [1]Folsom St Fair I could have gotten out of the trip but my younger brother lives here in TN and drove over to meet me. I was also hoping to meet one of my long time fave bloggers and buddies, Large Tony. Sadly, timing wasn’t on our side. He had to work and I had a conference to attend. As for my brother, I haven’t seen him in almost 5 years. Since work is paying for the trip, I’m killing two birds with one stone. I also have comp tickets to the Grand Ole Opry but I’ll likely skip that. *yawn* My brother wants to go but it’s already sold out and I can’t ‘reassign’ him my ticket.

I’m staying at the Gaylord Hotel/Resort, which is freaking massive! This place covers 9 acres of land and has over 2000 rooms! The shuttle driver said they have just over 4000 employees. That’s bigger than some small cities. Lolol They have sectioned the place off into regions almost like states. lol Everything for your room is coded to your region. It is not uncommon to see people just wandering in a daze, lost and confused as to where to go. [2]Remind me to discuss the details of my rather loooong flight and my cranky arrival.  It’s gorgeous and incredibly scenic but honestly way more than I’d ever do on my own. The rooms aren’t cheap and honestly, I’d forego the wonderful scenery for a larger onsite gym and a pool that was open past 10pm. The room is incredibly generic. IMHO it’s just overkill to sell this place. It takes 15 minutes to walk from one end to the other, no exaggeration. I’m not complaining just expressing a POV. I’m sure some that come here would absolutely love every minute of it. It can be a little breath-taking for the scenery.

The trip itself deals with the project I’m currently working on. The vendor that develops our software puts on a big conference every so often to solicit interest/feedback for it’s product(s). Agencies/vendors can see it for the first time and/or provide feedback on problems or needed features. It’s basically a PR campaign but it will be nice to talk with other agencies that use the software. The vendor comped my agency this year since we are currently going thru an upgrade. Originally, it was supposed to be me and two other co-workers but both of them decided not to go so I’m solo. I like it because I can multi-task  between my brother and the conference and not feel like I’m abandoning my coworkers. lol

My brother got married a couple years ago and his 2nd son was born just two short weeks ago. It has been wonderful to see my brother and meet my new nephew! He’s took a couple days off from work and crashing in the hotel with me. An extra guest doesn’t cost anything so it all works out. hehehe I almost cried when I saw him. Even though he always seems to have reverted further into redneck territory every time I see him, I love him all the same. lol We were always the closest growing up and I have truly missed him.

I’m coming back to SF tomorrow, Saturday. I really miss home. It’s funny because I’ve been so looking forward to my cruise in November yet I get a trip away for a few days and I’m lonesome for home. Lord, I think I’m turning into a homebody. That or I’m just totally spoiled from living in SF. So many friends of friends are in town (that I want to meet) so it seems I’m definitely doing the fair on Sunday. I was rather wishy-washy at first but now I can’t miss the opportunity. The Pup isn’t coming up for Folsom. Considering he’ll be here permanently in just under 30 days, it didn’t make sense to try to squeeze another trip in. Lawd knows I miss him something fierce but sometimes I ‘gots’ to use the head vs the heart to make decisions. I seem to find ways to love him more every day and I don’t even know how. He seems to just appreciate and accept all of me. I often find I’m just overwhelmed from feeling so accepted.

Oh hell, I’ve diverged into gushing over him again. Ok, time to end this rant and head for my next seminar. I’m ‘be dun learned’ about GIS mapping configurations, VPN socket hardware/software systems, enhanced data image layering, sms/mms upcoming emergency protocols, blah blah blah. Today’s seminars actually deal with some of the meat and potatoes of the work I’m currently doing so can’t miss it.

References

References
↑1 Folsom St Fair
↑2 Remind me to discuss the details of my rather loooong flight and my cranky arrival.

Burn

People always seem surprised that I don’t go to Burning Man. I’m not sure exactly why that would come as a surprise but ok.

Having read their official site, FAQ, and supporting links, I just don’t see the point. I’m not bashing it, I just don’t get it. Not getting it doesn’t make me against it in any way either. [1]I’ve gotten hate mail in the past for daring to discuss a different POV. lol  My only real disagreement is their assertion of “radical self-reliance.” I don’t call packing everything you need to survive for 8 days radical. I call it being prepared. Living in a desert open space isn’t conducive to self-reliance on the environment. Maybe it’s a minor point but it feels slightly disingenuous to me. I wonder if growing up actually relying on the environment to provide for me has jaded me a bit. My idea of radical self reliance involves living off the environment with little to no assistance from the outside world. Pumping in electricity, water, food, sanitation facilities, and Internet is not self-reliance IMO. lol

Anyway, I appreciate a lot of the artistic effort that goes into the event. Some of the displays and constructs are truly a site to behold. Many of the costumes and over the top displays can be equally artistic and beautiful. Is it enough to interest me in camping out? Not really. The reason I mention it is because I’ve begun to hear grumblings from many about how the event is changing. Like anything new and exciting, it is bound to grow and evolve over time. The question is can it survive the increase in size and still maintain the integrity of its roots? Ironically, said issue is discussed on its official site.

Much of the feedback I’ve heard this year has been very 50/50. Some swear it is a life-changing event and revel in the freedom of it. Others complain of feeling ostracized and the very clique-ish feel that is developing. I can’t speak for either side, but have noticed a very distinct shift in the feedback. Time will tell if it will become a victim of its own success.

As for me, I’m not for or against, it just doesn’t appeal to me. From the positive side, I hear a lot about the spiritual connection it invokes. Having found my spiritual center, I struggle to see a need here. My meditation and readings feed my spirituality and I don’t feel it’s lacking. So this aspect doesn’t appeal to me.

Then there is the living off the grid and/or self reliance. Well, I practically lived off the grid most of my childhood. Beyond having electricity, we had no phone or cable. The internet didn’t exist yet. Our water was from a well we drilled. We hunted, fished, and/or grew 90% of our food. Several of my younger years included living with an out – house vs indoor plumbing. My closest neighbor was 3 miles in either direction. The closest emergency room was 50 miles away. I guess this might have spoiled this aspect of the event for me. lol

The artistic expression is probably the single thing that interests me. Being the only interest, it is not compelling enough to make me endure the hardships and fork over $400 for said experience. The latter only meant as a declaration, not a negative vote.

So there you have it. If you’re an attendee, first-timer or OG, feel free to share your experiences.

References

References
↑1 I’ve gotten hate mail in the past for daring to discuss a different POV. lol

Connect

Oh look! Another post not Pup related! lolol

As technology becomes more pervasive, the ever present choice of connecting with my family on social networks keeps coming up. Up until now, it hasn’t really been much of an issue as most of the direct family I do assoicate with is not at all computer friendly. My youngest brother and I are the closest and he is and has been pretty much my only link to the rest of them. He asked me the other day if I was on FB. I guess in speaking with some of the cousins, they expressed an interest in connecting with me. I didn’t reply at the time but I’ve been pondering it ever since.

Growing up the way I did, I’ve been very disconnected from most of my extended family. When I did know them, it was rough and they knew it. They didn’t care a whit enough about me back then to intervene or offer up help so why do I need them now? Nor did they ever make an effort to reach out to me anytime since then. Now that social media has made it basically one-click access to my life, suddenly they’ve found an interest. I am struggling to find any value in that. Of course, my younger brother, being closer to many of them, sort of creates an unavoidable bridge. But is it a bridge I care to connect to?

To be clear, there is nothing in my life to hide. Just the opposite, I live openly and honestly. But at 42 years old I also have zero desire to hear the scandals, stories, and whispers about my life and/or actions. Ultimately, the question is do I feel a stronge enough connection to my extended family to weather said drama?

I don’t have an answer yet as I haven’t made up my mind.

Heard

It can be interesting hearing people have said things about you that have the tiniest kernel of truth or no truth at all. And unlike brettcajun, I don’t fly into fits of rage or hand-wringing as a result. :p There was a time when it would have gotten to me but not anymore. In the last few months I’ve heard a few gems I felt like sharing. And I will remark on how odd it seems they all happened within the span of a few months. lol Is there a horoscope entry there somewhere?

“He has an 11-inch penis.” And I shit you not, this not the first time someone has said that! While I’m certainly happy with my size, I ain’t no 11 inches! Back when Apple guy and I were together, a mutual friend apparently had me mixed up with someone else and while casually having a conversation with Apple guy, felt compelled to blurt out we’d had sex and he really liked my 11 inch penis. Needless to say, Apple guy set him straight on the subject. I was flattered but what the hell does one do with a monster like that? I mean the only persons who could handle it would probably already be a bit road-worn, if you catch my meaning. lol Hearing it again recently I can’t help but wonder if it comes from the same person? Regardless, I’m not even flattered it’s just bizarre.

“He has a habit of moving guys to SF and then dumping them.” Twisted truth that no longer resembles the truth is no longer truth. It is true all of the my last three significant relationships involved a man that lived elsewhere. That I moved them here and then dumped them would be categorically untrue. Not even close. lol The Pup and I laughed it off. He knows the truth and that is all that would ever matter to me.Even if he were concerned, he would have had the integrity to come and ask me directly.

“He’s only into white guys.” Nope. While I do find white guys more in my range, my attractions run the gambit. I’ve had many flavors over the years.

Perception can be a funny thing but one should also interject reason and logic at some point.

Fear

As far as I’ve come, I still battle with insecurities from time to time. Such is life as we all struggle with our demons. Ironically, it is something I’ve never really felt before.

Having struggled practically since birth, I unfortunately get a little suspicious when things seem to really be going my way. lol Yeah, that sounds a little jaded but I never said I wasn’t. Anyway, I keep worrying that something will happen with The Pup and it will all abruptly end. *sigh* I know it’s stupid but there it is. That’s why I said it was irrational. lol  Yes, it could be conditioning from previous trauma. Yes, it could just be my own insecurities. I get all that. But knowing it doesn’t just make it go away. But fear not dear reader. [1]See what I did there? LOL  I have found something that does in fact make it “go away.”

As previously mentioned, to know beyond a doubt that he feels like I do is an incredibly powerful feeling. I won’t lie it overwhelms me at times. [2]I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times. It gives me a sense of comfort and contentment I’ve never felt. I’m also finding it gives me an added sense of confidence. Having never had that feeling, I think it is natural to become possessive and protective of said feeling. lol I never want it to end. I want it to last for the rest of my life. Again, this is an avenue where fear sneaks in; fear of losing that feeling.

I dare say I deserve to be happy. I’ve paid my dues and then some in life. I must have been awful in one of my previous lives because the payback in this one has been major!  But life isn’t about fair and even. While I like to think the universe is about balance, an every day life doesn’t always balance out. I need to remember that just because I had an awful start doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I wish it weren’t true but it is. And so here again a fear can sneak in.

I refuse to let all these little fears rule me. They might have in the past but not anymore. I can be prey to them but not a victim. Life isn’t about fair, it is about living to the fullest and having enough wisdom to take advantage of any opportunities that come along. That’s how I see my new relationship with The Pup. It is an opportunity for me to make myself (and hopefully him) happy. I plan to pursue that opportunity as long as it exists. If that means the rest of my life, I’m ready. Game, set, MATCH!

I love you Pup. And given the opportunity, I’ll spend the rest of my life with you.

References

References
↑1 See what I did there? LOL
↑2 I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times.