Category: me

Contained

Continuing in the reflection from my last rant, I’m pondering if my independence is sometimes a hindrance to my dating life. I’ve had several folks comment off-hand recently about my independence. One night after dinner and conversation with a friend about breakups, he commented that I was very self-contained. This got the old noodle working and it stuck with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that I’m not involved enough or giving enough w/potential bf’s or on dates. Not even  remotely.  No, I wonder if my ‘containment’ as it were could be the reason some guys feel intimidated or are afraid to approach me. I still can’t wrap my head around anyone thinking I could be intimidating. But more than a few people over the years have mentioned it to me. I still get surprised when anyone tells me they always wanted to say hi but were afraid to. So whether I intend it or not, there is obviously something to it. Even if it is a projection from the other person, something has to be triggering it. So now I’m wondering if my independence is part of that.

My friend, for the most part, was right. I am very self-contained. Growing up the way I did, I learned very early to take care of myself. Having few inhibitions, I also have no problems doing things solo. Pretty much anything I want to do, I can do alone if it strikes my fancy. I just don’t see a reason to avoid doing something I want to do because there is no one available at the time to do it with me.

Then you mix in that I’m not overly out in the community here, I wonder if the two combined give an appearance of aloofness. Let me back up a bit. I was very involved with the gay community when I first moved here. This gave me exposure to many of the long term gay residents here in SF.  I know many of them in varying degrees. Add in the gym, my motorcycle group, and yes even my shenanigans over the last 12 years and it becomes impossible not to get to know or know of a lot of the locals. Then there is also my odd work schedule. Because I usually work swing shift, I can’t always do many of the events or social gatherings that a lot of the locals attend. Fast forward to the present, I’m beginning to get the sense that I’m known by many but rarely seen. I wonder if this contributes to this sort of faux picture of me being aloof or unapproachable?

Actually, the more I think on it, the more I believe all of this together plays a big part of it. I’m dumbfounded that I could have missed it for so long. Obviously, they don’t read my blog! lol If they did, they’d see how completely open and approachable I am. All joking aside though, I’m still pondering this. I may need to beat it here some more in the future…

Late

When did late night tv turn from infomercials to BS made for tv movies about god? Seriously, there were no less than 3 on cable the other night. One was a bunch of what-if scenarios thinly woven into a plot. I watched two scenarios out of sheer sick fascination before I turned it off.

Sorry, but I don’t do the right thing because of what an allegedly all-powerful yet oddly hypocritical and petty being might do to me after I die. No, I do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

Nor do I need to blame my short-comings and failures on mythical demons, spirits, sin, etc. I accept my mistakes and try to learn/build from them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go manually work out some demons.

/rant

 

Surprised

Interesting share today.

I rant into a guy on the street the other day that I’ve had a crush on for some time. We always see each other at the gym, exchange glances and smiles.  I heard he had a partner so I never pursued it further. I run into him while walking Cooper one day and we stop to exchange pleasantries and formally introduce ourselves. There were some obvious sparks passing between us instantly. He was very sweet and charming. We talked for a bit before I confessed how handsome I thought he was. He returned the sentiment with a big smile. I asked if he was single. To his credit, he stated he was but that he was dating someone. With that news, I mentioned that I would normally give my number but wouldn’t because I didn’t want to intrude into his current situation.

He was visibly surprised and appreciative of my candor and unwillingness to put my own needs before respect. He told me outright he appreciated the respect. He got bonus points for loving Cooper immediately. lol Anyway, we continued to chat and flirt harmlessly for a bit more before going our separate ways. As we departed, he mentioned to me that if things didn’t work out he would very much like to reach out to me. I stated that would be very ok with me.

I got to thinking. How many other guys would have done the same? How many of you reading would have done the same? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not inferring anything inappropriate or negative here. I’m sincerely curious if others would see it the same way I did. Some believe, ‘all is fair in love and war‘. And while I don’t necessarily cater to that belief, I’m not saying it is wrong or right. I’ve always admitted I’m an odd bird. I’m wired very different from a lot of people and I’m cool with that. And had my interest only been carnal, I wouldn’t have had a problem as long as that was allowed on his part. [1]I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

From my perspective, it would have been rude or disrespectful to try and muscle in on someone else’s potential partner. While not at a partner level, it was pretty obvious it was more than casual dating. To try and insert myself in a romantic sense just felt wrong to me. I’ve never been able to date more than one guy at a time. Dating [2]not a date but serious continuous dating to me implies intimacy and potential for more and I have never been able to split my affections like that. I know other guys who seem to have no problem managing multiple suitors and see no conflict with it. I’m not saying they are wrong, nor am I judging them. I’m just saying it is not for me, and conversely I wouldn’t do it to someone else.

References

References
↑1 I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
↑2 not a date but serious continuous dating

Bits

I bit the holy hell out of my tongue the other day. And I was eating chili of all things at the time! How the hell I managed that is beyond me! lol I must have caught it at just the right angle because it’s not what one would consider a normal bite either. It’s a gash about 1/4 of an inch long and it seems pretty deep. Twenty four hours later and the spot was still very tender and sore. And it hurt like a bitch!

To make matters worse, I had a “date” scheduled, which I had to promptly cancel. I don’t know about you but there are plenty of activities that require my face to be involved and I was unwilling to forgo them. It was a major disappointment to say the least. He was equally disappointed. I sent him a pic of the damage so he wouldn’t think I was flaking. And it gets better! The very next day I caught Mr. Happy in my zipper while at the gym. It didn’t break the skin but it did leave a nice dark dime-sized bruise! Being out-of-service from both ends was a frustrating experience to say the least.

Anyway, I will survive. I’m on vacation this week from work. When I get back I’ll be on the new detail I mentioned. I pity the vendor that first week as I adjust. And even worse, the first week is 8-4 instead of 9-5! aaack! I don’t have any plans for the down time other than Cooper. I don’t know if I’ mentioned it but I planned a cruise with my bestie’s in November. I am so in need of a vacation away. But since I still need to make some cash first, I decided not to go anywhere this next week. I’ll probably take Cooper to the beach tomorrow. I might take him in a zip car up the coast for a bit. He loves going “bye-bye.” I also need to catch up on a few chores, file taxes, and video games. The latter not really being a need as much as a want. hehehe

*

Everyone has been asking about the pup I mentioned in the rebound post. And I appreciate all the advice I got by comments and email. So many of you had a wealth of advice. I felt truly honored that so many of you took time out to share. To clarify a bit, I really was interested in him. I think I may have implied I wasn’t. It was the intensity of some of my feelings that were based in insecurity not my general interest. Anyway, for a variety of reasons we’ve decided to step back and just be friends. And yes, I really do plan on being friends. We hadn’t yet reached a level of intensity that would have made that impossible or improbable so I think it is going to be fine. We actually hung out after we had the talk and it was ok. We may revisit it again in the future but for now, it’s not in the cards.

And that’s that. lol Actually, I’m not at all sad. I am disappointed obviously, but not sad. I learned something from it and I think that is the point. I think he did too. And I continue to make myself available to opportunities to date as they come up. Nothing currently working but ask me again tomorrow.

Belt

Ever get stuck in between belt notches? I’m currently stuck there. I’m not quite lean enough to move in a notch on the belt but the notch I’m currently using isn’t quite cutting it either. lol Don’t ya just hate that? #firstworldproblems

It’s the same thing with t-shirts too. I’m mostly in larges now but there was a time there were I was between a medium and large depending on the brand of shirt. Being someone who is not an avid shopper by nature, it gets frustrating having to always try a shirt on to see if it fits. And of course, ordering online can be a real pain, especially when the vendor doesn’t list out who manufactures their shirts. arrrgh!

And speaking of clothes, it’s time to start buying again. I used to force myself to buy one new item of clothing every month. This kept me in decent clothing and kept me from looking like a raggedy man. lol When Apple guy and I were together, he made shirts so I always had a quick fix for a new tshirt so I got out of the habit. Anyway, I was doing laundry the other day and noticed several of my shirts were looking pretty worn. Time to get my ass in gear and start shopping again. *sigh*  I don’t mind shopping but there is not joy in it so often it’s like a chore for me. And I love nothing more than procrastinating about chores!

Rebound

Apparently, the wounds from the breakup haven’t completely healed yet. Le me ‘es’plain’.

I’ve put myself back out there in regards to dating. While I’m not actively hunting someone to date, I’ve made myself available to opportunities when they present themselves. If you’ve been reading, you know my last two dating attempts were colossal failures! lol Which by itself is not a deterrent. It just makes you appreciate the right one more when it comes along. Anyway, one such opportunity is the topic of my rant today. And the catch? This time the other guy is not the one that has done something wrong.

I met this nice guy on Scruff recently. We’ve gone on a few dates and I even invited him to stay over one night. [1]Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call. So as we’ve taken time to start getting to know each other, familiar feelings of angst crept up on me. I didn’t catch it at first but once or twice I caught myself falling into old trains of thought.

The sleep over was nice. We cuddled and had a nice time. It wasn’t until afterwards that it suddenly hit me what I’ve been doing. The angst were feelings of loneliness and I was acting out based on insecurities. The moment I recognized it, everything fell into place. And I say it that way because I already knew going into it there were some challenges. I choose not to elaborate at this point out of the fact I still have to resolve this with him. In an nutshell, I’m rebounding in a sense. He is the first guy I’ve dated where I’ve been the one pushing for things to happen. Unfortunately, I’ve been pushing for the wrong reasons. And I know some of your are wondering if I’m misreading real attraction for insecurities. The answer is I don’t think so. Having recognized my own actions and examined the why behind them, it is obvious to me. And the moment I accepted it, the angst went away.

Now I’m faced with a choice on how to proceed. I like him enough I’d definitely like to keep him as a friend. So do I end the romance and just focus on friends? End the potential friendship and focus on the sex? Or end it completely and walk away? I’m inclined to do option one. And while I think he’ll be disappointed, I also think on some level he probably sees it as well. Regardless, I’m grateful I caught myself before I pushed it too far and one or both of us ended up getting hurt.

So yeah, I’m still learning. Hope springs eternal… 

References

References
↑1 Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call.

Days

I recently accepted a special assignment at work. It goes into effect late March. It has to do with our upcoming software upgrade. I’m very happy to do it. The only real down side is I’ll have to switch over to a day shift, 9-4. I’m already Mon-Fri so no changes there. I’m most definitely not a morning person so this will present a challenge. lol Gone (temporarily) will be the days of me waking up on my own. I’ll have to drag my sleeping bulk out of bed bright and early and show up during breakfast hours.

The assignment could last 4-5 months and will be a lot of tedious work. As mentioned, I’m excited because the changes are huge and will effect all of us for the next 20 years. City-govs don’t upgrade software often and this upgrade, while from the same vendor, is a huge deal. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get included in the process so it would be colossally stupid of me not to take this assignment. I’ll suck up my angst about being an early bird and do it. My computer and software knowledge will benefit, not only me, but all of my fellow co-workers. I also bring the user perspective to the table which is often overlooked by the engineers, developers, and sellers. We’ve already discovered several issues that would have been deal-breakers. So yeah, I’m gonna do it. Not even a question to me.

On the flip side, I’ll get a view of how the rest of the world lives! I’ll get to actually go out in the evenings and do stuff with friends during the week. I’ll be able to drive home in daylight hours. If I wanted, I could watch many of my shows live vs tivo’d. Obviously, I won’t but I could. hehehe. I can also go out on weeknight dates and dinners.

Cooper shouldn’t be too hard as the change only works out to 4 hours on his schedule. He’ll go out a little early in the morning and a little later in the afternoon. I don’t expect much problem there. *crossed fingers*

Don’t be surprised if my updates for the first week are a bit on the cranky side!

Update

As previously mentioned, I have lost several pounds of fat weight. Several of you, of Bellycourse, demanded pics. Here is a pic of me today at the gym. It’s kinda blurry cause I snapped it quickly. But I bees so proud of myself. hehehe. I’ve mentioned numerous times I have no desire to get ripped but I have been working on leaning up a bit.

Most of you probably don’t see the difference from previous pics but I do. I can stand and jiggle my core and see the fat loss areas. I also feel the difference. When I grab my love grips, instead of feeling like a grip, they feel empty-ish. As long as I maintain the weight-loss the little extra bits of skin will be reduced as well!

Several people ask what I’m doing differently. The biggest change has been my eating habits. I eat out less and try to prepare healthier meals at home. As mentioned, it’s made big difference in my eating habits. I find that even when I do eat out now the amount of food I eat to feel full is lower.  I wish I could say I’d been doing more cardio. Sadly, I haven’t. My results would probably be more dramatic if I had. lol Just being in the gym 5 days a week is hard enough. [1]Which is a form of cardio all on it’s own  My routine now is one week of free weights, one week of ISO benches, and one week of cables. It’s coming up on time to redo the workout regimen as I can tell I’m adapting to the current one. Seeing the changes has helped keep me motivated as well.

I’ve also noticed a big difference in my legs. I always had a horrible habit of neglecting my legs. Now that I’m doing them consistently, I’m seeing some big gains. I’m pushing 460lbs on the leg press, which for me is pretty nice. I’ve also had to switch to one-leg calf-presses as I’ve maxed out the machine on two legs.

All in all I’m pretty happy with my progress so far.

References

References
↑1 Which is a form of cardio all on it’s own

Facts

Following up on my cognitive dissonance rant, I’ve been really disappointed lately with the disturbing trend we have toward ignoring facts. It seems that once again we are following in the foot-steps of the crazies by now also ignoring facts in favor of bias.

I use the most recent episode of Fitness SF’s [1]Formerly Gold’s Gym domain scandal. One of the web contractors for the gym took their domain down and posted a rather long diatribe about “freelance developers” and “independent businesses” not being respected or paid. The contractor went on to accuse the franchise [2]Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms of failing to pay past due bills.

First, I agree a business should pay its bills. That was never in dispute. However, reading the posted story, it didn’t take much to recognize there was more to it. First, the contractor focused too hard on trying to play the victim and FSF was the big bad guy. Second, it reeked of revenge. The contractor requested everyone reading his rant cancel their memberships in protest. And here’s the kicker, some people did! With no more information than that given by a disgruntled party in a civil dispute, people not only canceled memberships but went on personal tirades about freelancers, the gym, uppity gays, blah, blah, blah.

FSF released a statement a couple days later detailing more of what was going on. And as suspected, it was much more than them just refusing to pay a bill. The contractor missed not only content but also deadline delivery. It goes one step further. His contract had been canceled and he no longer had legal access to the domain! So not only did the contractor act unethically, he also broke the law. And yet FSF was the bad guy. I don’t know who is ultimately “right” in this whole ordeal, but what is clear is it was a civil dispute between two parties that should never have been made public in this manner. I will add, having seen the mess that was their website during their grand-opening, it certainly adds up.

Here is where my rant really comes in today. Even after more of the real story came out, many still bashed FSF and went on to claim “support for freelance developers.” [3]Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.  Truth no longer mattered, only the person’s personal bias. On a tangent, having done freelance web-design for many years, I can speak from experience. If I didn’t deliver a product as promised, I didn’t expect to get paid. And if I did get paid, it wasn’t the original price. I certainly would never stoop to taking down a companies’ domain over a dispute. One, said practice is a very grey area legally and two, it certainly doesn’t encourage more business knowing you resort to such tactics. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The moment the contractor stooped this low, he lost any moral high-ground, if he ever had it to begin with.

Facts matter people and so should the truth. This is but one example of many I could cite lately. We all have personal biases, no secret there. But we also have reason. When you allow your personal bias to trump reason and then go on to compound the issue thru denial, you marginalize yourself (and your argument). Life rarely deals in absolutes and trying to have an absolute ideal is often a recipe for failure. Don’t get caught up in the sensationalism and/or mob mentality. And just because a “friend” shared it with you on Facebook, take the time to understand an issue before going all holier-than-thou.

We are better than this. We do not need to stoop to such tactics to be taken seriously. You can support a cause, group, or ideal w/o blindly ignoring facts, reason, or simple logic.

References

References
↑1 Formerly Gold’s Gym
↑2 Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms
↑3 Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.

Users

I accidentally deleted a whole slew of registered users today by mistake! If you notice your user account is gone, just recreate it. Apologies.

To allow social log-ins to work, I have to allow the anyone can register in the settings. Of course, the bad guys try to use this to create more spam for my blog. I get on average about 30-50 fake accounts every week. I usually let them build up and then mass delete them. Today I wasn’t paying attention and deleted a page of users from the wrong user group. Oops!

None of the private user accounts were affected so those of you in that group should be fine. Speaking of, I get a lot of questions about the private parts of my blog. Yes, I have a private section. Yes, it deals mostly with adult content. I’ll also be adding soon some of the fictional short stories I’ve written. I keep them private to avoid poaching.

My blog is and will remain public but there are restricted parts and even parts that are solely for me. There are certain things the general public, including my co-workers, just don’t need to know about me. [1]I’m sure they’d tell you I’m probably already too open with them at work. lol  No, it is not about porn. While I do sometimes post slightly NSFW pics, I rarely post anything graphic, sorry. Yes, that is why I usually post a quick blurb about “are you logged in?”  No, I don’t charge for access.

That said, I do require something specific. You must take it upon yourself to email me personally and introduce yourself. [2]Click the email icon lower right of page  A face pic is always welcome and gets higher consideration but not required. I like having a feel for my readers and your introduction gets filed with your user account. I don’t require anything overly specific but the more open and honest you are the more likely I am to grant access. Yes, I realize it’s the honor system and you could be disingenuous, but that has never been the point. I do run your attached IP thru a couple filters to verify it is not spoofed or on black-lists. Once I approve you, I’ll notify you directly. From then on, as long as you are logged in, you can see private posts.

I usually approve users en-masse, regardless of access. This means you may not get a response from me right away. I simply do not have the time to do each request individually as they come in. I ask that you please be patient. Back to my original topic, all the deletions today were public subscribers. Again, apologies for the hassle. If you were one of the unlucky few and want to receive email updates, you’ll have to go thru the short but tedious process of re-registering.

References

References
↑1 I’m sure they’d tell you I’m probably already too open with them at work. lol
↑2 Click the email icon lower right of page