Category: struggling

Secrets

I’m always amazed at some of the questions I get. Not because of content but the point of view. It gives me perspective outside of my own, which is always beneficial. It also helps me to learn about myself. Something I’ve always strived to do writing this here blog thingy. One such reader was perplexed by my Flip rant because I called it a secret. I guess maybe I should clarify. It wasn’t so much a secret as something I wasn’t overly proud of. ‘Lemme es’plain…’ lol

When I was younger, I was train wreck emotionally. I was very co-dependent, insecure blah, blah, blah…you get the point. [1]A very few of you have been with me since then and probably remember my rants on the subject  One of my biggest regrets was in my ongoing battle with said issues, I hurt more than one person. The fact that it was never intentional is irrelevant. I had a horrible habit of pursuing someone romantically w/o ever really deciding if the person was right for me. After the newness wore off and the drama set in, I would usually just break up with the person and move on. Saying it now sounds very callous and uncaring but I assure you that was never my intention.

My coping mechanism, meant to protect me, ended up doing to others what I was desperately afraid would be done to me. I ranted on it a lot on the old blog after Drew and I split way back when. I think I mentioned back then one particular guy I dated while still in Houston was a wake up call for me. I hurt him pretty badly. I always felt my breakup with Drew was my karma for him. I did get a chance to apologize to the guy years later and he was receptive to my apology.

So yeah, I felt a little ashamed to admit it out loud because I had recognized my top/bottom complex tied into my previous behavior of inadvertently misleading guys. I’m not ashamed as much as just disappointed in myself. The good news here is I have embraced who I am and more of what makes me really happy, physically and emotionally.

So there you go dear reader. Hopefully that explains it now.

🙂

 

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↑1 A very few of you have been with me since then and probably remember my rants on the subject

Anniversary

It was a year ago that Apple guy and I had to put Spike down. I still miss him immensely and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him in some way. To this day, there is a hole in my life where he used to be. No matter how much I love little Cooper, I still miss Spike. Here is just a quick shot of the hundreds I have of him. He was only in my life for just under 2 years but he brought me so much joy. I still remember the first day I met him. . .

Due to timing and cost, Spike arrived in SF before Apple guy. We had decided it best to ship him cross country instead of by air to avoid not only the extra cost but also the potential health risks. As soon as the guy opened the back of the trailer and pulled his cage out, he bounded right toward me as if he knew me. He ran up to me and promptly rolled over and presented his belly to be rubbed. I of course complied and knew I’d have no reservations about him coming to live with me. I took his blankie [1]Spike had his own blanket that he loved and it came with him to ease the tension and collar and introduced him to his new home. After lots of affection and attention later, he investigated his surroundings for a bit and then decided it was nap time. This new place was his home for the rest of his life.

As time passed, he became such a huge influence in my life and brought me happiness I’d never experienced with an animal before. I never once regretted his presence or the attention he needed even after Apple guy and I split up. His death was a great loss and is still very painful for me. Having raised him from a pup, I’m sure Apple guy’s sense of loss is that much greater.

Much like Cooper, Spike was a rescue. Apple guy rescued him when he was not much younger than Cooper and gave him a life of joy and happiness. Coming to live in SF seemed to agree with Spike and he quickly settled into a life of leisure. lol He was vibrant and mobile up until the very end. His last sight in this world was of us and I can’t think of a better way to go. He was loved and he knew it.

Spike, where ever you are, you are missed and most definitely not forgotten. You brought light and joy to my life and I will always be thankful for that.

I miss you Spikey.

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↑1 Spike had his own blanket that he loved and it came with him to ease the tension

Green

I guess I’m on my high-horse as of late. After my last rant I got to thinking. When in my life was I the happiest? It was back when I was in my 20’s and I barely had a pot to piss in. I was barely making ends meet and yet I was so carefree and happy. I spent almost 2 years living out of my car and yet I look back on it as some of the happiest times in my life. Ironic wouldn’t you say?

I look at my life then and now and I’m a bit envious. Part of it was because other than basic necessities I had virtually no worries. I didn’t care that I didn’t have nice clothes, a home, or a plethora of electronic gadgets. I didn’t have a stack of bills demanding my constant attention. I realize being carefree was a blessing and hope that I can find that feeling again someday.

At this moment in my life I’m not overly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for but I’m not happy. I struggle with bouts of depression and frustration over my financial woes. If it wasn’t for little Cooper, I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now emotionally. Compared to a lot of people out there I make damn good money. Yet, I can barely keep a roof over my head right now. I’m so mired in debt I can barely pay my bills. And yes I realize a huge chunk of my debt load was unavoidable but that doesn’t change things.

I wonder how many millions of people out there are in the same boat I’m in or worse? I may have more things now but I miss the days of being carefree.

Crotchety

I got a very interesting email reply regarding some of my more recent posts. The person wasn’t ugly or rude but asked if I thought I was getting less flexible in my tolerance of others as I get older. This gave me pause to ponder as I’ve wondered the very same thing at times.

My answer is yes and no. I looked back over the last year of off/on posts and I don’t think I’m getting crotchety…yet! lol I haven’t talked much about my personal growth later so yeah it seems I am more opinionated in many of my more recent posts. I can tell the person asking isn’t a long time reader because he would know those are pretty much parcel and post around here. I always have an opinion. But, I am willing to listen to other opinions on many issues and sometimes I even change my own.

I do think as I age though what used to be fleeting ideals have settled in my id. For my few looooong time readers, you’ll remember the struggles I’ve gone thru here. They are legion. And you’ll remember me referring to myself as a blank slate in some regards because I never felt like I was given a strong moral compass as a child. I had to choose which paths in life to take and part of that was how I wanted to be as a person. I have a strong moral compass now. It may not be the norm or even acceptable to others but it guides me in all that I do. I still try to live by the Golden Rule, love, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and compassion. And thru that I’ve grown from trying to figure out who I am to knowing who I am. I still struggle, as should we all, with things but my id is more formed today. Life, age, experience, mistakes, and wisdom all had a hand it that of course. Am I still fallible? Of course I am! As evidenced by last failed-LTR. I went into it with blinders on and am still feeling the repercussions as a result. And yes, I still have baggage that I carry around with me. I’m happy that it has been reduced to a single carry-on vs a whole family set. hehehe

So yes, I do think I am a tad less flexible in some ways. The irony here is had I been more less-flexible, my last LTR would not have turned into an LTR. Actually, that is only partially true. I had also transferred somer personal demons into the mix that contributed greatly. Anyway, there are many things I used to ignore or shrug off when I was younger. Now I just find I have less tolerance for what I see as bullshit. And if you drag me into your BS or drama, I’m more apt to tell you about it vs just walking away. The key I think is not to allow all the problems of others to become BS in my mind. That is the distinction. [1]There’s that word again. I just love it.

On the flip side, I’m still evolving as a human. I’m still learning and growing as a man and discovering more of what makes me tick. In that regard, I don’t think I’m inflexible at all. I actually believe I am very flexible, almost too much. In the end, I’m struggling for balance. And I believe therein lies the fundamental key; finding a balance between beliefs and ideals while still being accepting of others or willing to see outside of my own box, so to speak.

So, there is your answer dear reader and thanks for being willing to broach the subject with me.

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↑1 There’s that word again. I just love it.

Double

There is a set of twins that work out at my gym. One is gay and the other is straight. I’ve only recently begun to see them so I think they are new to the city. They always work out together and watching them you can tell they are pretty close. I’ve talked to them in passing a few times. I find myself being a little sad every time I’m around them. I guess it’s a reminder of my own twin that died during childbirth. I can’t remember if I’ve ever discussed that here. We were born 2 months premature and in the 70’s that was still a pretty big deal. I don’t see the need to flesh it out in every detail but obviously, I lived and he didn’t.

As a kid, I used to asked my dad on random occasions what was wrong with me. At the time, my little id had no understanding and I’d tell my dad that I felt broken. He always shrugged it off. Years later, finding out I was a twin was a huge relief because it explained so much. I grew up feeling like there was a big hole inside of me and now I knew why.

For a long time I was extremely bitter about it. I felt cheated in life because I was denied such a precious gift. Growing up very lonely and alone as a child, I think it only made the absence more acute in my mind. I’d speak to him in my dreams thinking I was talking to myself. Anyway, all these years later, I still find that I miss him and there are still times when I feel that hole there inside me. It isn’t the gaping wound it used to be but deep down it still hurts and I’m still just a little bitter about it.

I’ve also made mention in the past that I am a big believer in reincarnation. Well, what you might not know is I’ve always harbored a secret desire to run into my twin again in this life. When Apple guy and I first met, I had such a strong connection to him I secretly fantasized at times that he was my twin come back to me. Looking back on things, I feel completely foolish for thinking such a thing. Not because it was impossible but because I let my desire cloud my judgment. It certainly explained a lot though. My break up with Apple guy was very rough and I’ve repeatedly asked myself why I put up with it for so long. I am beginning to realize the connections and piece it all out. I’ve been overcome with shame, guilt, disappointment, bitterness, and anger along the way.

It wasn’t until I started running into the twins at the gym that things clicked into place. The day in question, I actually locked myself in the upstairs bathroom at the gym and cried for about 20 mins. [1]Lord only knows what everyone thought why I was in there for so long. lol It was a painful and yet liberating revelation though. It allowed me to let go of feelings and wistful thinking that was bringing me emotional harm and preventing me from moving on. For the first time since we split, I finally felt over it and ready to move on.

I find it ironic that every time I think I’ve learned all there is to know about myself, I discover something new. I’m 41 years old and I can feel my thoughts/ideals beginning to settle into constant patterns. I find I question my motives less and less and trust my decisions more and more. All good things, but I’ve always been afraid to reach a point where I no longer examined my actions. I’m proud to say that I am still capable of looking at myself objectively when the need arises. Not to mention, life has an almost sneaky way of showing us things we need to see.

I miss my twin and still hold out the hope that I’ll find him again, in some form. But if not, who knows what my next life holds? I never really believed it when people would tell me I had an old soul. I always felt too insecure and unstable to be an old soul. I’m not so sure anymore now. The older I get and as the length of the life behind me grows, I think this life’s conflict has blinded me at times. Looking back on it, I see a pattern of renewal, progress, and acceptance that just defies logic. I now believe it was and continues to be my soul speaking to my id. The problem is I wasn’t always listening. Ain’t that a kick in the pants?

As always, hope springs eternal. 🙂

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↑1 Lord only knows what everyone thought why I was in there for so long. lol

Hard

I had a very rough call this past week at work and I find I’m having trouble shaking it. I rarely take work personal but there are times when certain calls find their way past my shields and really get under my skin. Most days, work is forgotten the moment I leave the building. Hell, its forgotten before I get my bike started. lol 

Sadly in my line of work, even when everything is done 100% right, people still suffer and I realize that. Without getting overly detailed, a person died while they were talking to me on the phone. I did everything I could possibly do (and then some) to no avail. I don’t have any angst or guilt over my performance. Its just been a long time since I had such a raw nerve-racking call.

Most people assume working in my agency, we handle emergencies non-stop, call after call, day after day. That simply isn’t true. Many calls can be urgent and even stressful, but the ratio of truly emergent calls is very low. And while many of our calls are emergencies in one sense or another, there are emergencies and then there are emergencies. That’s the best way I can explain it. I can handle bloody vehicle accidents, shootings, stabbing, fights, assaults, etc w/o blinking an eye. And while I am not belittling the realness of these calls, after years of repeating’em over and over, it just becomes sort of routine. Granted they are still stressful but you don’t really get excited. You handle it as best you can and move on to the next call.

This last call was just so raw and out of the norm, it got to me. Hearing someone slowly [1]in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes pass away while pleading for help and comfort is hard, to say the least. To know you are helpless to prevent the inevitable is just gut-wrenching. I was obviously upset afterwards and took some time to compose myself and refocus my mind. I was texting Apple guy and he managed to make me laugh, which is exactly what I needed. He knocked me out of my funk enough for me to move on. I finished my shift and went on about my life. For whatever reason, this particular call wasn’t so easy to forget. 

The upside to this is I recognized the hard edge within me hasn’t taken over yet. [2]For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.  I’ll be honest, if I ever lose myself to the dark parts of my id, I would consider my life (and my struggles) an utter failure. It has been and continues to be on of the single most important guiding principles in my life. Thankfully, I don’t see myself going down that path. So while this particular call really got to me, it has also helped to remind me that I am still the man I strive to be. I can’t save everyone but I can take strength and comfort in knowing I do the best I can every time I can, no matter the scenario.

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↑1 in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes
↑2 For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.

Wish List

Le old blog has always been about me learning and discovering myself. True to form, this post follows in that vein. Its also a bit mushy. (You have been warned. lol,)

I was yacking it up with my buddy Christopher the other night and had a bit of an epiphany. It just sort of hit me while I was ranting away on the phone. [1]I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.  Many of you know things have been going pretty well between Apple guy and myself. So I’m talking with Christopher about that very thing; basically ticking off all the things that I like about him. I’m literally bouncing thru a list in my head when it suddenly dawned on me. For the first time in my entire life, I’ve met someone who has every quality [2]Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him! that I’ve always wished for in what I’d consider my ideal mate!  *goose bumps from hell!*

I’m fond of saying, ‘I try to be the type of man I’d like to date.’ It doesn’t mean I’m searching for perfection just someone perfect for me. And I’ll be the first to admit, its taken me many years and many failed attempts to discover what exactly that is to me. I had to discover not only what it is I want/don’t want but also what it is I have to offer in return. And lawd knows, many of you have followed my dating ups and downs over the years. A small few of you have even been their since the beginning of my blog and the very raw and painful break-up with the ex.

Thru it all, I’ve met guys who had some or most of what I wanted but never the whole enchilada. I guess you could call it a wish list. And to be frank, I’ve never actually expected to find someone who had it all. I’ve always hoped I’d find a guy who I had enough in common with to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. A relationship that was honest, open, and free to evolve as we did. [3]No tall order at all, right? lol  After TFA, I’d pretty much given up on that. It became something I still wanted but never expected to really find. To my credit, even after TFA, I continued to dabble and explore parts of my id. And I’m somewhat proud to stay, even thru my resignation, I still managed to continue learning about myself.

So imagine my total surprise to suddenly realize I could very well be getting my wish! I found someone who represents everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. I guess it shouldn’t come as a big surprise to me (even though it is) my connection and approach to building a relationship with this person has and is completely different. Instead of discovering a few things that appeal to me and then attempting to build a relationship on those things, I find myself just building on one entirely all-inclusive package. (This is one of those times where I know my grasp of the English language fails me. Try as I might, I can’t seem to truly express the full breath of what I’m feeling right now.)

How do I make this make sense? Let me try this. With my previous dating attempts, no matter how good or bad, I’ve always felt like I was either giving up part of myself or part of what I truly wanted in an effort make the relationship work. I have yet to feel any of that with Apple guy. If anything, I’m getting more than I ever hoped.  Being very territorial about my private space, I’ve yet to feel trapped, cooped up, or even bothered by any of the time he has spent with me. Our time together just seems so easy, with little or no effort on either of our part. Considering we spent over 2 months of the last 5 1/2 months together, that is a big statement. I’ve had contentment before but never in the sense I feel it now. My biggest fear after Drew was being abandoned again. After he moved here, it seemed all of his priorities and goals changed. Sadly, those changes didn’t include me. It hurt me very deeply when he so abruptly abandoned me. It also made me greatly fear the same thing in all of my following dating attempts. And to be fair, I am still scared now, however it isn’t as overpowering like times past. Its more of a nagging annoyance that rears its head in my moments of doubt. If anything, I’m finding a strength I’ve never know before. I don’t worry about Apple guy finding the BBD. [4]bigger better deal  I am self-assured in the knowledge that he is with me for many of the same reasons I am with him. And while we relate very differently in these areas, I am discovering how to read and understand him. That understanding has only served to re-enforce my new found strength. I think there are definitely times when I fail to express (to him) the true depth of my emotion. That said, I am confident he sees the truth behind my eyes. Does that make any sense at all?  Ugh. I’m still struggling to express myself here.

I guess in the simplest terms I know, in almost 6 short months, I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love. I feel like Apple guy is the one. Not the fairytale happy-ever-after crap, but the one person who is willing to take the time to understand me, accepts me (flaws and all), and is willing to stand by me thru the good and the bad. I am not so foolish to think we won’t have problems or fight, but I find myself daring to believe he is perfect for me. He allows the “me” to exist equally along side the “we”. 

While the future is unwritten, I am increasingly optimistic about our life together. The idea of a future with him warms my soul and I eagerly await it. The idea of him not being in my life is painful to even mention.

Fate forbid, even if we don’t make it, I realize now I love him like I have loved no other. He has shown me that what I truly want is not only possible but attainable. And no matter how things progress, I will always love and be grateful to him for that.

Stay tuned and wish m luck!

References

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↑1 I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.
↑2 Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him!
↑3 No tall order at all, right? lol
↑4 bigger better deal

Unsettled

Work has been an absolute torment for me this week. Not my job per se (that I can handle) but stuff influencing not only my day to day operations but my position as a Steward as well. I had enough foresight to see this problem coming months ago and made several attempts to prevent it from happening. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

Without going into details and bad-mouthing a whole slew of people who aren’t here to defend themselves, I basically felt pressured into making a very big deal out of something I feel could have been handled with only a tiny amount of intervention. It is a very big deal to me. The irony is because I’m so incredibly frustrated and angry, I’ve lost my normal sense of composure and ability to make shrewd calculated responses. I pride myself on being able to see the big picture, step back from a situation, size it up, respond accordingly, and work to a successful resolution. That said, realizing I’d lost this detachedness, I called in my big rep for our Union. I felt a little ashamed to bother him with it but he backed me up 110%.

To give you an idea of how out of sorts I am. This new issue has me so wound up and angry not only did I loose my temper yesterday, I actually yelled at several coworkers, which is something I never do. While not making excuse(s), I felt completely isolated and abandoned in the scope of things going on around me at the time. [1]As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way.

Today, seeing no one above my rank cared or could even be bothered to feign concern, I escalated the issue to a level that involves myself, the department, and the city in general. This of course angered me even more because it made me feel petty. I absolutely detest being made to feel petty about anything!

Afterwards, needing to blow off steam, I confided in some of my friends at work and was surprised to hear how much they supported my efforts. They not only supported me but encouraged me to carry my fight to the very end. Its funny how just a little nod of approval can give one a sense of validation and conviction.

And while it may still come across as petty to some, I am feeling much more my old self again and am confident it will get resolved to my satisfaction.

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↑1 As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way.

Joined at The Hip

Today my buddy Kristaki married his sweetheart Ramune. Inserted is my self-inflicted mugshot taken before the big shindig commenced.

In a not so random turn of events, I knew both the bride and groom, I work with both of them. The groom and I were in the same academy class together. We hit it off as buds pretty much right away. Ramune started about 3 years later. They’ve been living together as a couple for some time now but today was finally the big day.

I normally avoid formal events as I hate the fussiness behind all of it. We’ve become a society focused more on the appearance of tradition vs the actual meaning behind it. [1]A topic in itself, but we’ll save that nut and crack it open on a later day when I’m desperate.  I couldn’t not attend their wedding. While I know Kristaki more, Ramune was indoctrinated into the local chapter as a Steward and I’m hoping to mold her in my professional image. [2]Don’t go there! lol Seriously, I think she is a sweet soul with a mischievous side that doesn’t come to light until you really get to know her. I’ve always thought they were a good ‘fit’ for each other and I was reminded of that today. Looking beyond the nervous apprehension, I saw a couple secure in each other with a bright future together. I wish them all the best.

You can stop here unless you wish to read my reminiscent ramblings, which as you know can be significant at times. :p

Continue reading Joined at The Hip

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↑1 A topic in itself, but we’ll save that nut and crack it open on a later day when I’m desperate.
↑2 Don’t go there! lol

TFA Onward

I  haven’t talked much about TFA lately.  That has been partly on purpose.  I needed some time to work thru some things percolating in ma head.  I will reveal he has been dating someone new and seems absolutely smitten.  Of which, I’m very happy about.  I know I know, you are shaking head going “huh”?  (I’ll get to that, keep reading)  lol  The new guy seems to be much more what TFA needs as well as wants in a partner.  I’ve always felt TFA and I met for a reason.  Whether it was he to learn from me or vice-versa is still up for grabs.  I do think at the time we met, TFA needed me but I wasn’t what he wanted.  I know for some that won’t make sense but for me it totally does. 

I’m sure by now you are gathering from my comments I have indeed let go of the angst I felt regarding TFA.  Actually, it was some time ago.  It had more to do with my own insecurities really.  Seeing that and dealing with it was an important step for me.  I still care for him very much but that concern has evolved into an enduring friendship. [1]well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh

Having let go of my internal issues, I find I am extremely happy with our relationship at present.  His new boyfriend knows about me and is completely ok with the connection and friendship we share.  After a long talk last night, I think TFA has clearly conveyed to him I am not a threat to their budding romance.  Considering he will be here for a long layover the weekend after my upcoming birthday, I felt it was important to make sure our connection would not hinder or interfere with his new love interest. 

* 

On a side rant, seeing TFA struggle to overcome his demons these last couple years has served to remind me of my past struggles and has kept me focused on my own life’s path.  He often tells me he sees our friendship lasting well into old age.  I’m very flattered and heartened by that. 

One of my life’s goals has been to know when I die, I’ll do so knowing I leave behind people who will remember and miss me. [2]For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!  TFA definitely brings me one step closer to that goal.

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↑1 well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh
↑2 For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!