That Way

Apparently, the gay blogosphere has erupted in another faux scandal because some ‘actor’, Logan McCree, just came out as bi instead of full on gay. My first thought is ‘why is this news?’ Then I think on how much money the porn industry makes. lolol

I didn’t know who he was so did a quick google search. [1]with the safety filter turned off Let me just say, if he is bi, mercy-me he must be one-fine actor! The few clips I saw showed someone who was definitely into his work. lol Whether he is really bi or not is a pointless argument IMHO. Kinsey pretty much proved sexuality runs the gambit from polar straight on one end to polar gay on the other. Why must we (on both sides of the fence) continually try to label everyone as one or the other.

Looking beyond that we get to the why of it. In one camp, you have the folks who insist he is lying for some ulterior reason. We’ll probably never know for sure because the only person who’ll ever know is Logan. That said, the only reason I could really see for lying would be the whole “gay for pay” idea that keeps getting rammed down our throats these days. It seems like he is getting plenty (of work) so not too sure there. But as nauseating as it sounds, maybe he thinks he’ll be able to demand more money. A sad testament if that’s his reason. [2]I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Then you have the whole “I can’t believe it, I feel so betrayed.” folks. Let me get this straight, you feel betrayed because the image you built up in your mind of said person has been shattered? An image created of someone you only see in completely contrived scenarios? Really? My response is get over it. The reality is almost never the same as the image. Living in SF, I can tell you from experience they are almost never like the ‘purdy moving pictures.’ And referring back to the whole gay for pay crap, maybe its so prevalent in the industry now he didn’t see the harm in admitting his big secret? Are you seriously going to stop watching him now because he likes a little V with his P&A?

Frankly, I could care less as long as he isn’t running around being hypocritical or hurting others. Being as I don’t know the nitty gritty, I’ll save my moral indignation for more important subjects. In the end, I’ve always been a big proponent of honesty. If he is coming clean, so to speak, good for him. If not, then it will catch up to him sooner or later.

References

References
↑1 with the safety filter turned off
↑2 I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Better

I had originally planned to post this last week but considering things, it didn’t happen. I’m not quite back to my svelte self from about a year ago but I’m getting there. lol As much as I hate cardio, I’ve been trying to add it to my workout routine on a consistent basis. Not to mention, I’ve been hitting the gym pretty regular as well. It took me a while to recover from the last motorcycle accident. The bone healed up nicely but the rotator and surrounding soft tissues took months to completely heal up. It drove me nuts because I hated not being able to push myself during my workouts.

While I’m over the 200 lb mark, some of that being body-fat doesn’t count. lol I’d like to lean up by another 10-15lbs. I’m still hoping to put a couple inches on my chest, arms, and legs. Once I do that, I’ll have reached my life goal and just focus on maintaining.

Wish me luck!


Echos

Ever notice how you get used to certain routines, habits, and daily rituals? Well, maybe you don’t notice until the ritual gets interrupted for whatever reason.

Its been rough since Spike’s been gone. It seems everything I do at home reminds me of him. When I wake up in the morning, he isn’t at the bedroom door waiting patiently for me to get up. Anytime I’m in the kitchen I notice he isn’t siting just outside the kitchen door looking/hoping for a treat. When I come home on the motorcycle, he isn’t at the front door waiting, having heard me come home. When I sit on the sofa, he isn’t sitting next to me with his head on my leg/knees.

Several times this weekend. I found myself looking for his water bowl or getting him a snack only to remember he isn’t here anymore. This brought on several teary-eyed moments when the realization would suddenly hit me. I’ve been completely out of sorts since the sad day last week. Focusing on anything for more than few minutes has been pointless.

Shane and I both are going out of town soon. [1]him today, by the time you read this and me on the 8th thru the 11th I’m headed to TX to help my friend Trevan. He is having a small back surgery and will need me to help do for him. Considering he has done the same for me on at least one occasion, its the least I can do. lol Anyway, I’ll be gone for about 4 days. Shane will be gone for 5-7.

In a way, I’m glad Spike passed before we left. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being in pain or suffering and us not being here. Even worse, if he’d deteriorated and had to be put down while we were gone, I don’t think I’d ever have forgiven myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wish he was still with us but I’m thinking things might have worked our for the best, considering the situation.

Anyway, here’s hoping this week goes better.

References

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↑1 him today, by the time you read this and me on the 8th thru the 11th

Spike

Yesterday was the day we’ve been dreading for weeks. Spike reached a point where he was no longer able to have any quality of life and we had to put him to sleep. To say that  I’m (we) heartbroken is an understatement. I knew it was coming and I tried to prepare myself for it but when it came right down to it, it didn’t help one bit. I loved that dog more than an other pet I’ve ever had and it broke my heart to see him go. But it wasn’t about me, it was about him. He was suffering and I couldn’t bear the thought of that no matter how much I wanted him to stay with me.

The irony is we’d gotten is hacking cough under control. This was the original symptom that pushed us to have him checked out by a vet. The meds completely suppressed it from day one. Sadly, he developed some secondary problems, including problems with his legs/hips. We weren’t really sure what the problem was but the vet seemed to think he’d developed secondary tumors on the nerve sheaths around his joints. He’s been limping for weeks but it came and went and he still had drive to get up and down. Most days, he seemed ok and we were trying different med combinations to try and combat any discomfort he might be feeling.

The morning before yesterday he seemed a little better. He even tried [1]and quickly discarded the idea to run a little bit after a bird that was clearly in need of being chased. He seemed energetic and excited and I thought maybe we’d finally found a good med combo to keep him comfy. By the night, he’d developed a more pronounced limp and started yelping anytime he tried to get up and down. He deteriorated rapidly from there in just a span of 12 hours. By the time yesterday morning rolled around, he could barely move his head w/o yelping in pain.

It was obvious to us a both it was his time. We’d thought to get him thru to the weekend but seeing him deteriorate so quickly, we knew we had to act right away. We spent the night up/down with him. He’d get settled and then try to move around and re-settle, as dogs tend to do. This would set off a new round of yelping. It was an ear-piercing yelp and you knew he was in a lot  of pain. None of the meds were having any effect, even at double and triple the dosage.

As soon as the SPCA opened at 8:00am, we took him in. Shane sat in the back seat and held him all the way there to keep him as still as possible. By this point, he was in so much pain and our only focus was relieving it. We quickly got a private room and said our good-byes. The original vet that treated him interrupted her visit with another patient to come in and oversee his treatment. We were both right there with him as he took his last breath. We sat with him till the vet had confirmed his heart had stopped and it was over. Needless to say, we were both a mess.

Don’t mourn for him though. Spike had a wonderful and long life, courtesy of Shane (and myself toward the end). He was loved and he knew it. Shane rescued Spike when he was just a puppy and has had him ever since. They’ve been thru a lot together and I know he is taking it very hard. Spike’s only been in my life just under 2 years and I’m a blubbering mess. I know it must be that much harder for Shane. Anyway, Spike missed his 9th birthday by two short months.

For my part, Spike was a blazing bright spot in my life that has gone out. To say I loved him would be an understatement. He was such a daily part of my life and I miss him every moment of the day. I’ve already had several incidents where I’d momentarily forget he wasn’t here and go to feed him, walk him, get him treats, etc. The apt feels so empty w/o him now. But he’s better off now. I hold onto the memories of him and how he enriched my life. I’m not sure animals go to heaven but if they do, I can just picture him right now with his head on someone’s lap begging for a treat with that sad but paradoxically excited look of his. That or presenting himself for a belly rub to any and everyone who walks by. 🙂 He loved his belly rubs and would promptly present himself and assume the position on his back and/or side for expected rubs. I don’t know about you but that makes me smile.

References

References
↑1 and quickly discarded the idea

To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. [1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.

References

References
↑1 and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks.

Doggie Update

Thanks to everyone who wrote in about Spike and sent good wishes. As mentioned, he’s home and we are trying to keep him comfy. Overall, he’s doing ok.  I’m cautiously optimistic. This last week has been emotionally rough on both Apple guy and myself. Him more so than me I’m sure. Spike’s been in his life a lot longer and they’ve been thru a lot together.

Our biggest concern was Spike’s hacking cough. The Opiate based pain pills the Veterinarian prescribed seemed to be suppressing it so far. We have him on low doses at the moment and I’ve only heard him cough a couple times. Keep your fingers crossed that we can go for awhile before having to up his dosage. The longer we can go before upping his doses, the longer he’ll be with us.

Unfortunately, he’s still limping quite a bit as his joints are bothering him. We were hesitant to start him on the prescribed steroid pills because of side-affects. The specialist that initially examined him called me on Wednesday with some additional test results. After a lengthy conversation, she assured me we could start him on’em and they’d help. We went with a very low dose and he seems to be responding so far. While he still limps, his energy level has come back quite a bit. He even got a little excited and tried to run the other day. He didn’t go far but it was just so wonderful to see him feeling a bit like his old self. His eating has come back too. This one really had me worried. He loves to eat [1]who doesn’t, right? lol and wasn’t eating much before his vet visit.

I think he suffered a bit of separation anxiety after the vet visit. For the first couple days, he was very clingy even on his walks. Normally, when we go out, he walks around and does his thing, sniffing, marking, etc. For the first few days after his visit, he’d just pee and then follow right behind me until we were done. On the other side of the coin, he definitely knows something’s up. He’s been getting extra attention and allowed to break several of his old rules. lol  He knows how to work it too. Of course, seeing him like that just makes me smile more because it means he’s feeling better.

Thanks again for everyone checking in on him. At the current level of meds, his still very alert and active. We’re happy he’s doing well. Keep sending good wishes that he stays that way!

References

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↑1 who doesn’t, right? lol

Bad News

I had a rather optimistic post written but after the news I deleted it. If you haven’t been following me on Google Plus, [1]and you should because I’m eventually ditching Facebook and maybe event twitter you know Spike’s been sick lately. I dropped him off at the vet today and the news turned out to be very bad.

His hacking cough turned out to be much worse than we thought. What we thought was an infection turned out to be a mass large enough its already compromised 2/3’s of one lung and part of the other. Basically, he has cancer. The vet seemed a little surprised he was doing as well as he was. The irony is I was afraid he did. I don’t know why I thought that, I just did. Even worse, due to his age and the severity of the mass, there is very little to be done. We could pursue very aggressive treatment but even if they did get all the cancerous tissue, he’d end up w/very little lung left. So in a nutshell, he has weeks maybe months left to live. Our focus now is to just keep him as comfortable as possible. The vet gave us some pain meds for him which should also help suppress the hacking.

I’d like to thank everyone who texted, emailed, tweeted, posted, etc with well-wishes. He is home and resting at the moment. He is still very groggy from the sedation at the moment and keep wobbling around. It would be comical if I wasn’t so upset.

When I dropped him off earlier, he knew something was up. He was so well-behaved but he had such a pining look on his face. When I picked up, I was already fighting back tears. Coming into the treatment area, I saw him before he saw me. He was so distressed and anxious. The moment he saw me, even as doped up as he was, he tried to come to me. He was so sedated he only managed to flop over a couple times and roll out of his cage. God love’em. Even in his haze, he knew me and wanted to get to me. This of course only made me cry more.

We took him to the SPCA veterinary clinic and the did a good job. The doc was so sweet and treated him well. She obviously liked her job. Most of the staff were pretty involved as well. There was one douche who didn’t really seem to care…well until I snapped at him for being nonchalant about me going back to see Spike. I would have grabbed him by “his” scruff and given him a good shake. He got the hint and got the hell out of my way.

I’m trying to keep it together. I still have time w/my Spika-doo for a while longer yet and I’m trying to be content with that. Continue to keep him in your thoughts and send him good energies.

References

References
↑1 and you should because I’m eventually ditching Facebook and maybe event twitter

Better

Everyone’s been asking about Spike so I’d thought I’d update everyone at once. He is doing better. A big thank you to everyone who was worried.

I’m still worried about him but he seems more like his old self this week. He developed this weird hacking cough that was getting progressively worse. Bad enough that he was starting to hack up blood. We originally thought he had kennel cough but the antibiotics weren’t helping. Luckily, Apple guy has a friend who is a Veterinarian that came by to look at him. He seemed to think it was allergies. We had him on Benadryl for about a week and it did seem to help. If its possible, he was even more sluggish and lazy dosed up on the Benadryl. lol Poor thing, he didn’t even want treats (And that’s saying something for Spike cause he LOVES his treats.)) I’ve since switched him over to Claritin. He is still hacking but not quite as much.

Last night was the first night in a few weeks that he ran like he usually does when I took him out. He doesn’t run far but we have a game we play where I run ahead of him and he’ll run to catch up out of excitement. I got such a tickle out of seeing him run. lol Such a small thing and it made me incredibly happy.

Apple guy’s friend is gonna come by again this week and look him one more time. I still think something else is wrong but I could be over-reacting. I sure hope so. For the moment, I’m just glad to see a semblance of his normal self return.

Snip Snip

In case you missed it, recently a bunch of folks managed to gather enough signatures to put an initiative on the ballot that would ban circumcision in SF. It made national news due to the oddity of such an initiative. Of course as usual, everyone starts over-generalizing about ‘liberal SF’.  I’ll be the first to admit people here are so initiative happy it borders on hysterical. [1]Seriously, if you can get enough signatures, you can put virtually anything on the ballot for people to vote on. Some things should require a little more review and decision making before just putting it to a vote. But while it was a bit of an extreme, the idea itself did have some merit IMHO.

Anyway, I knew right up front the initiative would fail. One, it didn’t allow religious exemptions and two it was very poorly written and overly broad. Circumcision has been part of “religious” ceremonies long enough it would take some serious doing to get something passed that didn’t include said exemptions. Being overly broad, it would have also created to many legal problems for enforcement. In the end, a judge actually ordered it removed from the ballot before it even went to a vote. That in itself is rare so that should tell you just how poorly it was written.

Frankly, I don’t think the government should be legislating something like this. I also think that we’ve become overly dependent on such an unnecessary procedure. While rare, there can be complications from a circumcision. And once done, its very hard to undo and even then its usually not the same. Why risk it unless its necessary? It is true circumcision has shown to be slightly more effective at preventing the spread of HIV. But the studies mentioned were for 3rd-world countries that don’t have ready access to clean water, good hygiene, medicines, etc. How very convenient to leave that detail out. lol And yes, there are cases where it ends up being medically necessary. But said complications are the exception not the rule.

Most people hide behind the “medical benefits” of circumcision to cover up the fact they are just uncomfortable with it. Cosmetically, it may look nicer but that shouldn’t out-weigh common-sense. Making a decision for your child based on a purely cosmetic preference is a bit selfish and extreme. Frankly, I’m glad I still have my hood. Its not overly pronounced or anything weird. When I’m “excited” you barely even notice. Side note here: One time after a “biblical encounter” with a guy, he went off on a tangent about it saying how he disliked it. Wasn’t he surprised when I pulled the sheet down and showed him! lolol True story!

Anyway, for .02, instead of coming up with more laws that limit social behavior, we should focus on community education. Communities rarely focus on public awareness campaigns anymore and its obviously showing. We’ve become a society fixated with telling people what they can/can’t do vs actually teaching people the pros/cons of their decisions.   /rant

References

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↑1 Seriously, if you can get enough signatures, you can put virtually anything on the ballot for people to vote on.

Pretty Cloud

I’ve become a fan of all things Google as of late. Don’t get me wrong, while I’m definitely drinking the koolaid, I am not unaware of problems with working solely in the cloud. [1]Cloud is basically everything is online, apps, data, storage, etc  That said, I’ve been using gmail, picasa, docs, maps, etc for years. Recently, I’ve jumped on the beta bandwagon of Google’s new music and +1 services. I’ve rambled enough on +1 already so no need to be redundant, redundant.

Storage is pretty excellent. Each service gives you a default amount of usable online storage. That said, you can upgrade to 20 gigs for just $5.00 a year. [2]They offer even more if you are truly a memory hog.  Even better, the storage is shared across all your Google services. This is a big bonus for me and a large factor in my decision to use many Google services.

Gmail has come along way since its inception. Its now very robust and user friendly. Its built in spam filter is excellent. The new +1 like theme is very easy on the eyes. Enough said.

Maps has always been excellent via the web or mobile. Google continues to integrate it with Places and Navigation. Maps has been my go to service for directions, MUNI, etc for years. The navigation mobile app is awesome as well. The down side of course is it requires a cell connection to triangulate the gps.  That can be a problem when you ride a motorcycle thru the middle of nowhere. lol

picasa is good but not yet excellent. I say ‘not yet’ because I have high hopes for the service that has sort of floundered in feature updates until recently. Storage, uploading, sharing, and even editing is pretty good. Its integration with +1 is obvious and also off to a very good start. Unfortunately, organizing, tagging, and otherwise managing content once it’s online is not all that great. Batch editing/organizing is very lacking and cumbersome. I’m hoping as the merger into +1 continues, this will change. picasa also has a desktop app. While the app is very robust, its also a bit confusing. The interface is cluttered and its very easy to get confused on what is where. The mobile site is basically for viewing and sharing. While there has never been an official mobile app, the new +1 mobile app has pics integrated. It could use some more features. I recently migrated all my pics from flickr over to picasa. I got a sick kick out of deleting my flickr account. lol They charge a ridiculous $25.00 a year for a fraction of the storage offered by Google. The only call to fame flickr still had over picasa was its online organizing. Not enough to make me pay an extra $20 a year though.

Docs is doing better after also languishing for awhile. Dropbox is still more user friendly, especially via the mobile app. Mobile Docs tends to be sluggish. I’m still bouncing between the two currently. For stuff I need quick/dirty access to, I still use Dropbox. For generic storage and not so high-demand stuff I use Docs. Primarily because of the storage options mentioned above.

The beta music service works as advertised but it is still very basic at this point. It offers storage and playback, both of which work flawlessly. Currently, there isn’t much beyond that. You can download your music to a device or computer. Its still beta but I hate that its so basic as to be too basic. Google has a habit of doing that, so all is not perfect. I’m hoping it gets some major feature upgrades.

So there ya have it. My review of all things Google [3]Actually, not all. There are a ton of services that I don’t use  lol  The down side to cloud computing is of course, access. If you don’t have access then you don’t have shit. Several services offer offline support but that sort of defeats the purpose IMHO. That said, we are fast approaching an age where the entire planet will be blanketed in some sort of access to the web. The only time I really don’t have access myself is when I’m out riding the bike. Otherwise, I’m plugged in to the hilt, just like a good little borg.

References

References
↑1 Cloud is basically everything is online, apps, data, storage, etc
↑2 They offer even more if you are truly a memory hog.
↑3 Actually, not all. There are a ton of services that I don’t use