Author: Moby

New 909

One of the girls from work often refers to my boyfriends as a 909. Which is the police code for “meet with a citizen.”

My ex called me late last night. I’d actually just gotten home from work. Apparently, he and his new 909 had gotten into a big fight. He needed a place to hangout and vent I guess. He proceeded to tell me the nitty gritty as to what happened. I think he often shares details w/me that in most instances would make an ex a bit uncomfortable but it’s not really an issue for me. Besides, I’m nosey. I like hearing it.

I listened and offered my heart felt advice as to how I saw it. It’s always an issue of being right w/him. Based on his side of the story, I’d assume he was in the right. Of course, this made it harder for him to see a need to move beyond getting validation for that. hehehe. So I offered an explanation that it doesn’t really matter who is right if he hopes to work it out. And let me be frank, he’d rather cut off his fraking arm than admit he is wrong about something. However, he did seem to honestly listen and our chat did calm him down. I politely pointed out some of his rather difficult traits so he could try to see both sides of the picture. Whether it worked or not is none of my business.

He remarked that he thought the blog would be busy today. Meaning I’d post about it. I feel almost obligated to mention it now. And no, he doesn’t read my blog. While I may have a healthy view of my breakup w/him, I’m not so sure he can say the same.

I did notice that I didn’t feel any pangs of jealousy or hurt. I didn’t resent him for telling me stuff about him and his new 909. I actually felt good about it. And no, not because they were fighting. No, I felt good because I had a chance to help him correct his mistakes of the past. Namely, mistakes made w/me. Knowing this only serves to validate my principles. One, it validates that I truly did love him (and still do just differently now). Two, that I’ve moved beyond the pain and hurt he caused me way back when. It took me awhile. I can be just as stubborn at times, especially when I’m in the right. The difference, I think, is I can look beyond my self-righteousness to see the bigger picture. I just hope he learns to do the same thing.

Oh, I think it also is a boon for my Karma. Sure I could have used this opportunity to wreck havoc. But that would go against all the things that I am trying so hard to emulate and become as a man. So scratch another few points in the karma index!

Insight

Wow! So many kind words. Thank you to everyone. I hope it did provide some insight. Many of the emails expressed shock that I would share such deeply personal feelings. I offer them freely w/o reservation in the hope that someone can learn from my growing pains and mistakes. The last entry was a collage of rather chaotic thoughts from a time in my life when I didn’t have any focus. I knew my life was out of control and was struggling to make sense of it. I hadn’t yet found the impetus to push me in the right direction. This only seemed to make my situation worse.

Al’s comment was particularly touching. The simple truth in his words really affected me. I forget to look at myself from the outside at times. I really am becoming the person that I’d like to date. Someone that can offer qualities that I seek in others. I guess I needed someone to point that out to me.

I often talk about my goals and where I hope to eventually be in my life but I don’t really see myself there yet. Or I guess I don’t ‘feel it’ yet. Don’t ge me wrong, I know w/o a doubt that I am kind and compassionate person. These traits are deeply embedded in my id. I also am discovering I have an innate sense of fairness. I like to see a problem from both sides. Lacking is the assurance of self that only comes from within. An assurance normally imparted as a child. However, in my case, something I’m learning as an adult. A hard task indeed. With that is the realization of character. And I am realizing that about myself. Slowly but surely, it’s sinking past the conscious to the subconscious. Hopefully, one day it will take root and become permanent. As I’m fond of saying, hope springs eternal…

Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.

This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.

While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.

2.15.97 Continue reading Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ignorant or Stupid

My dander is up today. Stupid people really work my last gay nerve.

Before I start let me explain something. There is a clear difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge. Stupidity, on the other hand, is the refusal or inability to process knowledge. In most respects they are a before and after state of being.

Ok, so my first bitch, I’m scrolling thru tribe today and I happen upon a thread about steroids. A HIV postive guy left a note saying he was interested in finding steroids to bulk up. He only mentions his HIV status in passing with his physical stats. While there were only a few comments, several were mean and one was just plain nasty. Oh but here’s the pisser! The comments were clearly based on negative ignorant perceptions. One guy assumed because the poster mentioned he was positive, he was using his status as an excuse. Even if he was, piss off! The poor man is dealing w/a terminal illness cut him some slack.

Knowing it wouldn’t do any good, I made an effort to correct said ignorance, not once but twice. I’m not for or against steroids. It’s a personal choice. And, I’ll be the first to admit I know poz guys who use their status as an excuse to bulk up legally. So what, if you fortunate enough to be healthy, count your blessings and move on. Until we have equal rights under the law in this country, I think we have bigger issues as gay men to be fighting over.

‘nuf said!

Then I’m reading bent collective’s rants about treating HIV patients in a third world country. Here we have a man who is giving up 6 months of his life to work in a true 3rd world country that doesn’t even like us. Apparently, a bitch fight breaks out over whether we should be tending to our own at home before offering his support overseas. One such person even goes so far to suggest the US is one step away from being a 3rd world country. Yes, news fans, read it again. One step away from being a 3rd world country. . . wait! what’s that noise…

*ring ring ring*

Why, it’s the clue phone! Hello! We are nowhere near close to being a 3rd world country! Making such statements takes you clearly out of the realm of ignorance and plants you firmly on the solid ground of stupidity. (note, I stopped here so I could edit out my several lines of curse words.) We have problems in this country. Yes, we do. But, our problems pale in comparison to the crisis that people face on a daily basis living in a 3rd world country. Anyone who is willing to give of themselves to help said people deserves our respect. Or at the very least, shut your pie hole and be grateful you live in a country where we have the luxury of such decisions.

I used to think I was very tolerant person. However, I’m guess I’m not. You know why? Because I have no use for stupid people anymore.

Who da?

So in completely random news, I’m liking the new phone. The sd drive is screwy so Tmobile is sending me a new one. In the mean time, I’m liking it.

Here’s a snapshot from the new camera.
Crazy Fag

Not up to par with my digital one but not bad for a phone cam. It’s 1.3 megapixels. I never used the camera on the old one, it was horrible. This one will be ok I guess.

Know Thyself

I often talk about the goals and ideals that have become important to me. My “moby-ism” today is one that I work on often. Most folks who know me would say I come across pretty confident. And in many ways I am. I’m very confident in my abilities and skills. I’m a quick study and excel at most things I take an interest in. However, it is my inner confidence that is lacking at times. I’ll skip all the yada yada about my childhood. We’ve all been there done that right?

I often battle w/a lack of confidence in myself. Thanks in part to a certain blogger, I’m discovering it’s not so much my lack of confidence but how I value myself that needs adjustment. I frequently see qualities in others that I admire and value greatly. Qualities I myself possess. Maybe not as refined at times but still there. I’m a little bit shocked it’s taken me this long to see the distinction.

Realization is not enough obviously. However, I see it as a milestone in my attempts to overcome my shortcomings.

Thunderstorms

thunderstorm anyone?

Tomorrow the city will be all abuzz w/the tale of the big thunderstorm we are having tonight. It’s a doozy too. I just saw my first flash of lightning. I got up and opened the blinds in my bedroom.

People often look it me funny when I tell’em I love thunderstorms. And I do. It’s one of the few things about Texas I miss. The only type of rain you get in Texas is usually courtesy of a nice fat thunderhead. It sorta just boils across the sky like an angry mass of mindless energy. (And if you think about it, that’s kinda what it is.)

Thunderstorms bring back memories of my early childhood before my foster mom got sick. Before I had to watch her waste away for 2 years battling lung cancer. Before life got ugly. You couldn’t keep me out of the rain. I lost count of the the number of ‘whoopin’s’ I used to get. My mom finally gave up. And I was never once afraid of getting struck by lightning. I’d watch those great bolts flash down across the sky and stare up in amazed wonder. Even not knowing what lightning was, I was just amazed by the sheer power of it. The flash, the smell of ozone, the loud crash, and the soft, wet ever refreshing rain. Afterwards, everything felt so clean. The air was free of pollens and dust. (In Texas, everything is dusty!) It was like someone hung a big sign out saying “wash me” and god finally obliged.

I didn’t realize how much I missed thunderstorms until tonight. SF rarely gets rain in thunderstorms. Usually, our moisture comes from fog, drizzle, and the occasional light rain. I’m amazed at what they consider “coming down hard” here. To me, it’s a sprinkle.

So here I sit in my boxers, with the blinds up, a glass of red wine, and rain pouring down my windows. I can’t wait till tomorrow when everything has that “new planet smell”.

Ni’night!

Contented Bliss

Somedays are just too nice to complain. I got a great sleep on the new mattress. (Lindsey Wagner was right! You really do get a more “restful” sleep on a good mattress. *giggle*)

The stomach is almost 100% again. I was still a tiny bit quesy yesterday. My energy wasn’t on par w/normal either. Today, I’m feeling like my old self again. Course, no rest for the wicked. I’m off to work early as I’m due to instruct a class.

About the old journal post, I got a lot of questions why I thought moving back to TX was a good idea. Well, mainly because I didn’t know many people in Boulder/Denver. I felt isolated. This only added to my loneliness at the time. I don’t think I was capable of seeing the truth of the situation consciously. However, my subconscious mind it seemed was working overtime to protect me. The next old journal entry will be a hard one to post. It’s a bit raw. I was beginning to feel desperate. I promised to post “as-is” w/o any tinkering and I will. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Even today, I’m almost always moved to tears reading it.

Ok, duty calls…the madness continues.