Author: Moby

Folsom

Well, another Folsom St Fair has come and gone. It was said to be a good one that was well attended. I didn’t have company this year so didn’t have a whole lot planned. My buddy William was kind enough to get me a free ticket to the Magnitude dance party on Saturday. I also attended the fair on Sunday for a couple hours. I didn’t stay long as often it’s so busy as to be annoying after awhile. lol

Anyway, I remembered hearing more than one conversation about guys planning a move to SF. This by itself is not newsworthy as it happens all the time. SF is a wonderful city and I fell in love after only 1 visit. When guys come here for fairs, vacation, or for whatever, it is easy to see only upsides.

One particular conversation struck me because the guy had absolutely no game plan. He had decided to move and was already in the action stage w/o so much as an idea where he would work or how he would live. I’ve said it here before but it bears repeating. You don’t move to a city as expensive as SF w/o some sort of plan. I absolutely love living here but it can chew you up and spit you out if you don’t have stable footing.

I spoke up to the guy who was a friend of friends. He sort of shrugged off my recommendations with a wave of his hand. I wasn’t offended as it wasn’t really my business but I exchanged a look with our mutual friends. After he walked away we all lamented how often the same story plays out again and again.

Anyway, the weekend was pleasant. I had Monday off and spent most of it doing chores I neglected over the weekend.

Cheesy

I got several emails after my last rant. Every one from lurkers [1]guys who read my blog but never post publicly. An affectionate term btw basically stating they were like the guy I referred to.

For the record, I wasn’t saying his problems were trivial or not valid. I was commenting on his forever whining while doing nothing about it. That was my point. We all go thru rough times but perpetually whining while doing nothing accomplishes just that, nothing. And while I did get frustrated, I do understand his dilemma. But whining solves nothing IMO.

Here are just a few of the excuses I got in the reply emails:

I’d go to the gym more but I’m so intimidated by the guys (and or equipment).
You’ll never get over the intimidation factor if you never go. And you’ll never get used to the weights/machines functions/names unless you go. This seems like easy logic but our fear gets in the way. So what is the answer here? GO TO THE GYM. Step outside the comfort bubble and do it. What is the worst that can happen? As for the equipment, we live in an age of technology. Write down or even snap a pic of the machines you don’t know about and google them later. You can also ask for a free personal training session. Most gyms offer it when you join. If nothing else, just tinker with the machine till you get hang of it. No one will think less of you. And honestly, it happens every day in every gym. The only other advice I can give you here is worry less about what everyone else is thinking and focus more on your workout. Slow and steady is the key. Of course, If you don’t like gyms and you’re worried about fitness, find a sport or activity that gets you moving and gets you active. The list is long and varied, pick one. Besides the shallow benefit of looking better, exercise is a proven way to improve your health and mood. You’ll live better for it. Every month I’m reading new studies on the benefits of exercise.

I’m just not as attractive as a lot of the gay guys. I don’t fit in.
I hate to say it, “get in line!” Seriously, so you’re not the hottie on the block. Welcome to the majority. Frankly, this is a bigger issue than I’m willing to delve into here I will say this though, having been this way for many years it really boils down to overcoming a personal insecurity. And I can promise you the grass ain’t always greener on the other side of the fence. I pinky swear! lol Focus on you and making improvements you care about for yourself. Forget the idea of what you think you should live up to. On a side note, you’d be surprised how many guys care more about your confidence than your looks. And being attractive on the outside means nothing if you’re ugly on the inside.

I’m not into the gay scene.
This one tends to infuriate me a bit and I see it as a cop out. First of all, the term is very subjective. Ask 10 people and you’ll get 10 different answers as to what the scene is. Again, quit spending time worrying about how you don’t fit in and just be yourself. I don’t see myself as belonging to one sub-group or definition. I can accept labels w/o letting them define me. And on a side note, living openly does not equate living a stereotype. Nor does living in a gay area equate being consumed by being gay, unless you want it to. Try to find a healthy balance. I can guarantee you there are tons of guys just like you that aren’t into the scene, whatever your version of that is.

There are no gay guys where I live.
This can be a tough one. The simplest answer is move. Granted, not always an easy or available option but if you aren’t really tied down, go somewhere better. I bounced around a lot when I was younger looking for a good fit. It was easy because I didn’t have much in the way of roots. That is not always the case for a lot of guys. The point is if you aren’t happy where you are, maybe a move is in your future? If a move is out of the question, you could travel. Again, I realize not always easy but if you can, do it. Go places where you know there is a large gay community. At the very least, travel to the closet big city? [2]If you grew up in the sticks like I did. Network online, find guys into things you’re into. There are a plethora of clubs, clans, groups, etc out there. You’re bound to find one or more that you’re into. It may not be an every weekend occurrence but if your options are limited, you work with what ya got.

I hear the above ones time and time again. Regardless of what you do, nothing will come of just whining, except more pain, regret, misery, and despair. For you few long term readers, you know my childhood and early life was far from rosy. I chose to try and better myself. Sometimes that meant putting myself out there with a potential to get hurt. And sometimes I did get hurt. But, the hurt only makes the good that much better when you do find it. And as I said before, nothing in life worth having or doing is easy.

I wish you the very best. 🙂

References

References
↑1 guys who read my blog but never post publicly. An affectionate term btw
↑2 If you grew up in the sticks like I did.

Wine & Cheese

I lost my temper with an acquaintance the other day. Actually, it wasn’t so much losing my temper as just tired of his perpetual whining. He is a friend of a friend who came out about 10 years ago in his late 30’s. And apparently, because life wasn’t rosy and perfect afterwards, he is resentful. He blames being gay for all the woes in his life. Every time he ends up hanging out with my friend and I he is constantly whining.

After hearing him bash the gays yet again for the ump-teenth time, I’d finally had enough. I asked him point blank, “would you like some cheese with that wine?” Our mutual friend was like, “Moby, just let it go.” But I wasn’t about to let it go..not again. This guy has a good life and yet finds no joy in it. He’s better off than plenty of others and yet can only see what he doesn’t have. In no uncertain terms I gave him the hard truth. He’s overweight because he eats fast food every day and only hits the gym about once or twice a week, if then. He laments how superficial the gays are while being fixated on the very thing he complains to hate. He’s single and constantly complaining about how there are ‘no good men‘ left in the world. Maybe if you tried being a better man that might change? He complains about not meeting anyone yet spends most of his time at home. And when he does go out, it’s usually to a bar where he spends more time complaining. I asked him, “would you date you?” You have a good job, friends/family who care about you, a roof over your head, and yet you still find no happiness in life. All you see is what you don’t have. When was the last time you did anything outside your comfort zone? When was the last time you volunteered? played a sport? or anything else you find joy in? (He didn’t have an answer) Our mutual friend at this point has sort of just turned to look at him with a look of ‘well?‘ I finished with, ‘Instead of spending all your time on grindr and scruff wining because the guys you chase aren’t interested, get out and do something with your life.‘ [1]He spends hours and hours online cruising

I’m sure he’ll just add me to the list of ‘people who just don’t understand‘ and that is perfectly fine. I told him we wouldn’t be hanging out again because I didn’t care for his shitty attitude anyway. I probably shouldn’t have been so rough on him but I was just so tired of hearing it. So your life ain’t perfect? Welcome to the club. So life can be shallow and puerile at times, welcome to reality. It is one thing to complain at times, we all do it, but to only focus on what you don’t have and the shortcomings of the world is a sure path to misery. The world is what you make it, not what you wish it to be. Don’t complain and then do nothing about it. If you aren’t willing to do anything to change, then it obviously isn’t that important to you in the first place. I’ve most certainly been there so I can speak with some experience.

/rant

References

References
↑1 He spends hours and hours online cruising

Growing

Someone asked me the other day what it was like growing up gay. They were specifically asking about what it was like for me before I came out. [1]This is also prior to finding my first love in high-school, the resulting drama and his eventual death.

The biggest frustration was the isolation. I felt so alone in the world. I didn’t have anyone to confide in, ask questions, and there was no such thing as the internet back then. It is no easy thing to keep something so fundamentally important locked inside of you at all times. Even before I knew what I was, I had learned that being different was bad and made one a target. And while I may not have known why, I most definitely knew I was different.

In the beginning, it wasn’t so bad as I had so much other drama in my life it was really hard to focus on it for any stretch of time. Having no real exposure to what gay people were like, all I knew were the stereotypes. I didn’t see a correlation between the idea of being gay and myself so it never really crossed my mind. . .at first. Having no frame of reference to explain it, I literally felt like I was the only person alive that was this way. This did make the isolation worse, especially as I got older. Even being extroverted as I was, I still didn’t make friends very easily in school. I grew up in a very small town so I knew everyone but knowing doesn’t equate friendship. And living in the middle of nowhere, having neighbors was as foreign to me as watching ‘Leave It To Beaver.’ My closest neighbor, either direction, was at least 3 miles of nothing but piney woods. And even if they had been closer, neither had children. So at the end of the day, I was pretty much alone with my feelings and confusion.

I first began to get an inkling there was something different, I mean really different, right before puberty. Deep down I’d always felt a little out of sync as long as I could remember, but as I aged things really started going wonky. I’d always had a fascination for naked guys. I would get a funny feeling seeing a naked guy. It was like butterflies bouncing around in my stomach. It wasn’t quite lust, that came later. I’m wondering if it was just attraction? I wonder if it was possible to be attracted to someone w/o first having a sense of sexual relations? I dunno, all I know is I felt very different.

It all started after my mom died and my dad remarried. I’d never felt attracted to family members that I grew up with. It just never occurred to me to look at them that way. [2]I guess that blows the myth of rednecks being all inbred out of the water! lolol Two of my new step-uncles were very attractive and very masculine. Having never known my new uncles, I began to discover odd feelings when they were around. The hairier one practically dripped with masculinity. The first time I saw him naked I got a very new sensation in my stomach. It wasn’t so much butterflies, but more a sense floating on air. lol I know that sounds weird but it is the best way I can describe it. He would often come visit to go hunting. Naturally, opportunities for him to be naked would present themselves. We were all guys and no one thought anything of it. I knew enough to never stare or be obvious but I didn’t quite understand why. lol Honestly, it was very perplexing.

As I aged and puberty begin to hit, it really begin to dawn on me that I might be gay. I say might because again I couldn’t relate to the stereotypes so I didn’t really think I could be gay. I honestly thought I was straight but got off on seeing guys naked. Anyway, I now discovered that seeing my step-uncles naked brought a new sensation…lust! lolol It was actually these sensations that jump-started my puberty and foraging into self-manipulation. Then I discovered a stack of my dad’s hustler magazines! OMG! I would sneak them every chance I got. But the funny thing was, I wasn’t looking at the women. I was totally fixated on the guys. The different types of guys, different body sizes, different “anatomy” sizes, it was completely fixating!

This is when the real frustration and isolation began. I had no one to talk to. No one who could explain why I felt this way. Knowing what I heard about “faggots” I knew damn well not to bring it up to my family/friends. I would plead with God at times to “take this away from me,” I would bargain about being good if only these strong and unrelenting feelings would go away. I tried to get excited looking at women or dreaming of women. Sadly, it never worked. If anything it revolted me.

When I was at school, even though kids would sometimes call me fag or queer, I didn’t really resonate with it. Children can be incredibly cruel at times. Having grown up with my parents making me dress differently, I was already used to being an easy target for name-calling. The names themselves didn’t really matter. Being skinny, almost frail, didn’t help none either.

On one hand, I was very aware of my sexuality but on the other, I was completely in the dark. I guess I hadn’t really learned how to reason or reconcile more advanced issues so it took a wall for me to really believe I was actually gay.

References

References
↑1 This is also prior to finding my first love in high-school, the resulting drama and his eventual death.
↑2 I guess that blows the myth of rednecks being all inbred out of the water! lolol

Advice

I have a friend who has been in military service for over two decades. He and I met when I was still in my early 20’s and ended up becoming friends. While we don’t talk often, we do catch up from time to time. John (not his real name, duh) has always depended on me to give him honest advice, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. It is and has been a strong tenant of our enduring friendship. He knows he can’t bullshit me but he also knows he can be perfectly frank w/o fear of judgment. He often confides in me with details he doesn’t really feel he can share with anyone else.

Being in the military creates a set of challenges for keeping ones work and sexuality somewhat separate. Even now that DADT has been repealed it is not as rosy as some would have us believe. So the other day, I’m busily calling him out on some of his more bizarre, and often conflicting, standards for meeting, hooking up, and/or dating guys when he tells me I should start a sex-advice blog. I laughed so hard I almost fell off the sofa. And he was serious! While I certainly flirted with the idea of giving advice to others via my WWMD [1]What Would Moby Do? posts, I have no plans to start such a blog. I was very tickled by his enthusiasm though and told him I’d also mention it here for all of you.

I think he is just a tad bit naive and gives me more credit than I’m due. Being cooped up the in military his whole life, his views are definitely skewed. lol Lord knows if I was so good I wouldn’t be piecing my own life back together after yet another failed LTR. But of course, it is often easier to be more objective about other people’s problems than our own. I’m certainly no stranger to giving others my opinion and/or advice. Why I could write a whole book on all the advice I’ve given brettcajun over the years. [2]Advice that he routinely ignores mind you.

I do try to follow a solid rule when it comes to giving (or accepting) advice. That is I am hearing said person’s version of events. Their version may not always be the whole truth or even the truth at all. So giving/accepting advice should always be under the proviso that it is based only on the situation as presented. If you are accepting advice based on a limited version of the whole picture, you are asking for more drama IMHO.

The flip side is realizing when we are close to a problem. We all have a tendency to justify our behaviors or actions. We seek advice that coincides with our own desires or wishes. The trick is knowing how to be objective while still maintaining a fair overall view of events. Or at the very least, acknowledge our own short-comings and accept that the advice presented may not be what we hoped. Not always an easy task.

So no, I won’t be starting a sex or even relationship advice blog. I’ll certainly keep blathering away here with my .02 and life experiences so feel free to tag along and glean whatever you can from my mistakes.

🙂

References

References
↑1 What Would Moby Do?
↑2 Advice that he routinely ignores mind you.

Re-Kindle

For all 5 of you Kindle subscribers, the glitch has been fixed. You may have to re-sync your device(s) for it to show up properly.

I was loading a separate feed for the Kindle but it was causing problems. I have ditched it in lieu of the main RSS feed now.

Happy reading.

Ragged

Why is it that guys wear torn, ratty clothing to the gym? Do they think it gives them more “street cred” as a meathead or something? Granted I don’t wear new clothes to the gym but I don’t go looking like a street person. I’m not judging, I’m just curious what the point is. And I’m not talking about shirts or shorts cut for more room or flexibility.

I often see one guy who’s clothing is so torn it is falling off of him. Don’t get me started on his other gym habits. While he does have some bulk, it’s a bit disconcerting. I guess I should be pleased he isn’t like the other ancient guy who’s shorts are so short his balls are usually hanging out.

What do you wear to your local sweat box?

Anniversary

It was a year ago that Apple guy and I had to put Spike down. I still miss him immensely and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him in some way. To this day, there is a hole in my life where he used to be. No matter how much I love little Cooper, I still miss Spike. Here is just a quick shot of the hundreds I have of him. He was only in my life for just under 2 years but he brought me so much joy. I still remember the first day I met him. . .

Due to timing and cost, Spike arrived in SF before Apple guy. We had decided it best to ship him cross country instead of by air to avoid not only the extra cost but also the potential health risks. As soon as the guy opened the back of the trailer and pulled his cage out, he bounded right toward me as if he knew me. He ran up to me and promptly rolled over and presented his belly to be rubbed. I of course complied and knew I’d have no reservations about him coming to live with me. I took his blankie [1]Spike had his own blanket that he loved and it came with him to ease the tension and collar and introduced him to his new home. After lots of affection and attention later, he investigated his surroundings for a bit and then decided it was nap time. This new place was his home for the rest of his life.

As time passed, he became such a huge influence in my life and brought me happiness I’d never experienced with an animal before. I never once regretted his presence or the attention he needed even after Apple guy and I split up. His death was a great loss and is still very painful for me. Having raised him from a pup, I’m sure Apple guy’s sense of loss is that much greater.

Much like Cooper, Spike was a rescue. Apple guy rescued him when he was not much younger than Cooper and gave him a life of joy and happiness. Coming to live in SF seemed to agree with Spike and he quickly settled into a life of leisure. lol He was vibrant and mobile up until the very end. His last sight in this world was of us and I can’t think of a better way to go. He was loved and he knew it.

Spike, where ever you are, you are missed and most definitely not forgotten. You brought light and joy to my life and I will always be thankful for that.

I miss you Spikey.

References

References
↑1 Spike had his own blanket that he loved and it came with him to ease the tension

Best

I hit a new personal best at the gym the other day! It felt so good too because it was my chest muscles. hehehe Being a weightlifting typical homo I work out my chest a lot. One, well the obvious and two, I have such a hard time getting my chest muscles to grow.

I’ve you been using the exhaustion method a lot lately and I’m feeling/seeing the results. Instead of doing a prescribed list of set/reps I push heavy on the first set to failure [1]failure is officially the number of reps you can do WITHOUT breaking form, second set lighter weights usually by about 20/40 lbs to failure again, and so on. This method often requires more time in the gym as you need more rest time and going to failure naturally goes slightly longer.

Having recovered fully from my shoulder injury, I’m also doing almost 100% free weights now. I usually alternate between benches and dumbbells. The only problem with dumbbells is I’ve reached a point where it’s hard maneuvering the weights w/o a spotter. lol  Once in position it’s easy but getting to that position can be a hassle and creates a higher risk of injury. Don’t even get me started on the hassle of trying to to decline bench press with dumbbells. Having been at the same gym for basically forever, I know enough guys to reach out and ask for help. Often there are at least a couple guys I know that will pop over and help me when needed. I certainly don’t want to injure myself again so better safe than sorry.

Anyway, it felt good to push past a plateau I’ve been battling for awhile now. I’m not expecting any huge jumps but just being able to say I did it feels great. I’ve also been really good about not blowing off my cardio or leg workouts. I’m not pushing for huge increases on my legs but I wanna make sure they stay in proportion with the rest of my body. I’ve dropped all the extra fat weight I’ve gained lately as well. I’m taking the opportunity to see if I can lean up a little bit more. Naturally, this is a battle against my love for eating good food. [2]The previous batch of homemade cookies and cakes didn’t help none either!  lol  Either way, I’m comfortable where I am but looking a little more trim never hurts.

References

References
↑1 failure is officially the number of reps you can do WITHOUT breaking form
↑2 The previous batch of homemade cookies and cakes didn’t help none either!  lol

Poke

No, not what you’re thinking. However, have you logged in here lately? Moving on.

Being in a multi-device, multi-OS household, am I the only one that sometimes forgets you can’t reach up and tap the screen on your laptop or computer to move the cursor? lolol

I catch myself doing this all the time now. I’ll be on the laptop and trying to move the cursor and without thinking I’ll tap the screen expecting it to jump to my finger. I seem to be doing it more and more lately. I’ve gotten so used to being on the phone or the iPad, I’m totally conditioned to just tapping.

*tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on?