Category: dating

Smitten

It was bound to happen. I’ve become smitten with someone. Naturally, he doesn’t live here. I never seem to find a guy local. Why the hell is that?

Anyway, it is still very new and developing and we both recognize the limitations of our situation. We are enjoying it for what it is and seeing what the future holds. No, I’m not in an LTR or even off the market. No, he isn’t moving here. And no, I am not moving there. Seems futile doesn’t it? Well, I don’t see it that way. There are different types of bonds and I don’t necessarily have to be with him to have a bond. We both recognize that while we have a good set of compatibilities, we don’t yet have enough working knowledge of the other, so to speak. That said, I’m a big believer in not trying to make something fit a label.

It’s been ongoing for a few months and I’ve enjoyed it. I realized over Pride weekend my feelings had taken a stronger turn. If you can believe it, I was jealous. Yeah, you read it right. Me, of all people, was actually jealous. hehehe And to my own credit, it had nothing to do with sex. [1]Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!  No, it was intimacy. Ok, that’s not even exactly true. It was my fear of him sharing intimacy with someone else. (The intimacy never happened btw) In the end, I needn’t and shouldn’t have been jealous. But it sure as hell surprised me to discover 1) I was jealous, 2) that I cared enough to be jealous.

I shared it with him after I dealt with it myself. Once I realized what was happening, I stepped back to examine the why. I could never have done that w/o 9 years of blogging btw. I put my emotions in check and moved past the silliness. He and I laughed it off over a good heartfelt and open conversation. The conversation itself actually strengthened how I see him.

So now where does that leave us? My best answer is I don’t know. We are still pursuing the connection.  As to my jealousy, it was odd that I got angry.  I was actually angry and then a little hurt.  Finally, it dawned on my dense ass that I was jealous. This made for an interesting back and forth internal conversation to say the least. lol One side of me was genuinely jealous, another side was chastising me for being jealous, and yet another side was over it all and simply clamped down on it till he and I could talk. [2]Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol  In the end, he is not mine and I have no reason to be jealous even if the idea did chap my ass. The fact that nothing happened isn’t really the point at all. What a wasted emotion jealousy is. I’m not overly proud that I’m still capable of it.

In a complete side rant, we’ve given each other nicknames. I’m big on nicknames, always have been. I’ve figured out I get it from my dad. He always gave people that he cared about nicknames. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of until recent years. It’s also probably why I’ve never encouraged people to call my by my real name. It’s rather formal from my perspective. Anyway, I’ve started calling him my pup. Don’t go getting mental over it. I see him not as a possession or property but simply someone close to me that I care and look out for. He, in turn, has given me the nickname big dog. A name I immediately liked even though I’m not quite sure why yet. He says I don’t quite make the ‘daddy‘ title because our ages are too close. hehehe

He is coming up for Dore and it promises to be an informative (and hopefully very fun) weekend! lol It will be a test of sorts. He and I plan to get into more than a little trouble together and see how we do.

Wish me luck?

References

References
↑1 Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!
↑2 Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol

Contained

Continuing in the reflection from my last rant, I’m pondering if my independence is sometimes a hindrance to my dating life. I’ve had several folks comment off-hand recently about my independence. One night after dinner and conversation with a friend about breakups, he commented that I was very self-contained. This got the old noodle working and it stuck with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that I’m not involved enough or giving enough w/potential bf’s or on dates. Not even  remotely.  No, I wonder if my ‘containment’ as it were could be the reason some guys feel intimidated or are afraid to approach me. I still can’t wrap my head around anyone thinking I could be intimidating. But more than a few people over the years have mentioned it to me. I still get surprised when anyone tells me they always wanted to say hi but were afraid to. So whether I intend it or not, there is obviously something to it. Even if it is a projection from the other person, something has to be triggering it. So now I’m wondering if my independence is part of that.

My friend, for the most part, was right. I am very self-contained. Growing up the way I did, I learned very early to take care of myself. Having few inhibitions, I also have no problems doing things solo. Pretty much anything I want to do, I can do alone if it strikes my fancy. I just don’t see a reason to avoid doing something I want to do because there is no one available at the time to do it with me.

Then you mix in that I’m not overly out in the community here, I wonder if the two combined give an appearance of aloofness. Let me back up a bit. I was very involved with the gay community when I first moved here. This gave me exposure to many of the long term gay residents here in SF.  I know many of them in varying degrees. Add in the gym, my motorcycle group, and yes even my shenanigans over the last 12 years and it becomes impossible not to get to know or know of a lot of the locals. Then there is also my odd work schedule. Because I usually work swing shift, I can’t always do many of the events or social gatherings that a lot of the locals attend. Fast forward to the present, I’m beginning to get the sense that I’m known by many but rarely seen. I wonder if this contributes to this sort of faux picture of me being aloof or unapproachable?

Actually, the more I think on it, the more I believe all of this together plays a big part of it. I’m dumbfounded that I could have missed it for so long. Obviously, they don’t read my blog! lol If they did, they’d see how completely open and approachable I am. All joking aside though, I’m still pondering this. I may need to beat it here some more in the future…

Surprised

Interesting share today.

I rant into a guy on the street the other day that I’ve had a crush on for some time. We always see each other at the gym, exchange glances and smiles.  I heard he had a partner so I never pursued it further. I run into him while walking Cooper one day and we stop to exchange pleasantries and formally introduce ourselves. There were some obvious sparks passing between us instantly. He was very sweet and charming. We talked for a bit before I confessed how handsome I thought he was. He returned the sentiment with a big smile. I asked if he was single. To his credit, he stated he was but that he was dating someone. With that news, I mentioned that I would normally give my number but wouldn’t because I didn’t want to intrude into his current situation.

He was visibly surprised and appreciative of my candor and unwillingness to put my own needs before respect. He told me outright he appreciated the respect. He got bonus points for loving Cooper immediately. lol Anyway, we continued to chat and flirt harmlessly for a bit more before going our separate ways. As we departed, he mentioned to me that if things didn’t work out he would very much like to reach out to me. I stated that would be very ok with me.

I got to thinking. How many other guys would have done the same? How many of you reading would have done the same? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not inferring anything inappropriate or negative here. I’m sincerely curious if others would see it the same way I did. Some believe, ‘all is fair in love and war‘. And while I don’t necessarily cater to that belief, I’m not saying it is wrong or right. I’ve always admitted I’m an odd bird. I’m wired very different from a lot of people and I’m cool with that. And had my interest only been carnal, I wouldn’t have had a problem as long as that was allowed on his part. [1]I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

From my perspective, it would have been rude or disrespectful to try and muscle in on someone else’s potential partner. While not at a partner level, it was pretty obvious it was more than casual dating. To try and insert myself in a romantic sense just felt wrong to me. I’ve never been able to date more than one guy at a time. Dating [2]not a date but serious continuous dating to me implies intimacy and potential for more and I have never been able to split my affections like that. I know other guys who seem to have no problem managing multiple suitors and see no conflict with it. I’m not saying they are wrong, nor am I judging them. I’m just saying it is not for me, and conversely I wouldn’t do it to someone else.

References

References
↑1 I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
↑2 not a date but serious continuous dating

Bits

I bit the holy hell out of my tongue the other day. And I was eating chili of all things at the time! How the hell I managed that is beyond me! lol I must have caught it at just the right angle because it’s not what one would consider a normal bite either. It’s a gash about 1/4 of an inch long and it seems pretty deep. Twenty four hours later and the spot was still very tender and sore. And it hurt like a bitch!

To make matters worse, I had a “date” scheduled, which I had to promptly cancel. I don’t know about you but there are plenty of activities that require my face to be involved and I was unwilling to forgo them. It was a major disappointment to say the least. He was equally disappointed. I sent him a pic of the damage so he wouldn’t think I was flaking. And it gets better! The very next day I caught Mr. Happy in my zipper while at the gym. It didn’t break the skin but it did leave a nice dark dime-sized bruise! Being out-of-service from both ends was a frustrating experience to say the least.

Anyway, I will survive. I’m on vacation this week from work. When I get back I’ll be on the new detail I mentioned. I pity the vendor that first week as I adjust. And even worse, the first week is 8-4 instead of 9-5! aaack! I don’t have any plans for the down time other than Cooper. I don’t know if I’ mentioned it but I planned a cruise with my bestie’s in November. I am so in need of a vacation away. But since I still need to make some cash first, I decided not to go anywhere this next week. I’ll probably take Cooper to the beach tomorrow. I might take him in a zip car up the coast for a bit. He loves going “bye-bye.” I also need to catch up on a few chores, file taxes, and video games. The latter not really being a need as much as a want. hehehe

*

Everyone has been asking about the pup I mentioned in the rebound post. And I appreciate all the advice I got by comments and email. So many of you had a wealth of advice. I felt truly honored that so many of you took time out to share. To clarify a bit, I really was interested in him. I think I may have implied I wasn’t. It was the intensity of some of my feelings that were based in insecurity not my general interest. Anyway, for a variety of reasons we’ve decided to step back and just be friends. And yes, I really do plan on being friends. We hadn’t yet reached a level of intensity that would have made that impossible or improbable so I think it is going to be fine. We actually hung out after we had the talk and it was ok. We may revisit it again in the future but for now, it’s not in the cards.

And that’s that. lol Actually, I’m not at all sad. I am disappointed obviously, but not sad. I learned something from it and I think that is the point. I think he did too. And I continue to make myself available to opportunities to date as they come up. Nothing currently working but ask me again tomorrow.

Rebound

Apparently, the wounds from the breakup haven’t completely healed yet. Le me ‘es’plain’.

I’ve put myself back out there in regards to dating. While I’m not actively hunting someone to date, I’ve made myself available to opportunities when they present themselves. If you’ve been reading, you know my last two dating attempts were colossal failures! lol Which by itself is not a deterrent. It just makes you appreciate the right one more when it comes along. Anyway, one such opportunity is the topic of my rant today. And the catch? This time the other guy is not the one that has done something wrong.

I met this nice guy on Scruff recently. We’ve gone on a few dates and I even invited him to stay over one night. [1]Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call. So as we’ve taken time to start getting to know each other, familiar feelings of angst crept up on me. I didn’t catch it at first but once or twice I caught myself falling into old trains of thought.

The sleep over was nice. We cuddled and had a nice time. It wasn’t until afterwards that it suddenly hit me what I’ve been doing. The angst were feelings of loneliness and I was acting out based on insecurities. The moment I recognized it, everything fell into place. And I say it that way because I already knew going into it there were some challenges. I choose not to elaborate at this point out of the fact I still have to resolve this with him. In an nutshell, I’m rebounding in a sense. He is the first guy I’ve dated where I’ve been the one pushing for things to happen. Unfortunately, I’ve been pushing for the wrong reasons. And I know some of your are wondering if I’m misreading real attraction for insecurities. The answer is I don’t think so. Having recognized my own actions and examined the why behind them, it is obvious to me. And the moment I accepted it, the angst went away.

Now I’m faced with a choice on how to proceed. I like him enough I’d definitely like to keep him as a friend. So do I end the romance and just focus on friends? End the potential friendship and focus on the sex? Or end it completely and walk away? I’m inclined to do option one. And while I think he’ll be disappointed, I also think on some level he probably sees it as well. Regardless, I’m grateful I caught myself before I pushed it too far and one or both of us ended up getting hurt.

So yeah, I’m still learning. Hope springs eternal… 

References

References
↑1 Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call.

Down

No, not sad. Turned down. A reader asked what were [1]I seem to be getting a lot questions lately. Is there some sort of Q&A meme going around? Not that I’m complaining mind you… some of the reasons I turn down dates (or sex) and how I respond. Not always an easy answer as we live in a society who’s technological advancements are outpacing our ethical ability to keep up.

I’d have to say a big reason I turn down dates or “connections” would be drugs. I get turned down just as much for not being ok with drugs. There is no place in my life for drugs and it is one of the few absolute deal-breakers for me. I have no problem with pot but I hate the smell just as much as ciggies and cigars. I could never seriously date (much less kiss) anyone who smelled like those things. Plenty of my friends do both but they also know my feelings on the subject. I can separate my ability to be friends with someone from their habits.

Even though it’s in virtually all my online profiles, I still guys that hit me up for pnp or to “smoke a bowl.” Just last week a guy got really bent out of shape on Scruff because I wouldn’t come over and top him while he was getting high. [2]There is also my job to consider. It opens up several tricky ethical questions that I’d just rather avoid all together. He was indignant and kept wanting me to explain why. After like the umpteeth message, I finally lost my temper and ignored him.

I had another younger guy hit me up and again acted all indignant that I could possible say no (for any reason) to him. Bless his heart. He was pretty but not my type at all. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around someone older saying no to him. On a small tangent, I seem to attract a lot more younger guys than I used to. While there are always exceptions, I’m not attracted to young guys as a norm. Hell, even when I was young I wasn’t into young guys. I guess I as I’m reaching the ‘daddy’ phase it is to be expected. And I can still be appreciative even if it isn’t my cup of tea. But if you go off on a rant about how you’re basically god’s gift to me because your young and pretty, well that ain’t gonna buy you any points. 

As to how, I usually try to take the sting out of it by politely declining the interest along with a small tidbit of conversation. The tidbit often helps diffuse the awkwardness and allows us to move past it. Whether online or in person, I try to be respectful and polite when I can. I say when I can because there are times I can’t always reply. And it doesn’t always work but that’s how I try to handle it. As I’ve always said, I recognize the distinction between being attracted to someone and being accepting of someone. Just because I don’t wanna swap spit doesn’t mean I can’t be civil or even chat with you. We might even end up friends. I also try not to be the guy who say’s he’ll call and never does. If I ask for your number, it is because I earnestly want to see you again. If you offer me your number and I know it’s not gonna happen, I usually try to politely decline. I’d rather you take a small offense up front than expect a call that never comes. I haven’t always been able to carry thru on this last one but I’m getting better at it.

Sometimes, I just ignore online requests. Especially if it is obvious the person hasn’t even read my profile. Besides that, there are times when I can’t possibly reply to everyone. Be it too many responses, I’m only online for a few minutes, the person is thousand of miles away, whatever the reason, it’s just simple math. As more apps and ways to connect instantly emerge, it makes it harder to answer every single point of interest. Ignoring responses that don’t interest me can be just as effective as a reply. As mentioned in a previous rant, rejection can be hard but often unavoidable. I don’t take it personal if someone doesn’t reply to me. I don’t get bent out of shape. I can be disappointed w/o being bitter over it.

Beyond that, I don’t really have a big revelation. It really depends on the individual and the connection I feel. I try to be polite and honest.

I can’t tell you why others turn me down because I don’t ask. If there isn’t a match, the reason is irrelevant.

References

References
↑1 I seem to be getting a lot questions lately. Is there some sort of Q&A meme going around? Not that I’m complaining mind you…
↑2 There is also my job to consider. It opens up several tricky ethical questions that I’d just rather avoid all together.

Attention

I had such a good time at the annual Boys with Balls charity. It’s a bowling adventure filled with around 300+ shirtless gay men. How could it not be fun?! Anyway, I got a lot of attention this year. I guess the new muscle mass is working. Seriously, I was a bit surprised how many random guys flirted with me this year. I mean you can’t go to an event like this and not flirt w/someone but it was still very nice and a pleasant surprise.

I’m a huge flirt, no surprise there. One guy I had flirted with (but had never seen before in my life) came up behind me in the bathroom and basically sniffed me all over. He did other stuff too but that is a bit off topic. lol I bring it up because while he was grabbing me, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. With him standing behind me, I had more objective view of my body size and shape. I was pleased. I’m really developing an appreciation for my new size and look. As I shift further and further away in my mind from the old me to the current me, I’m getting happier with how I look. I’m proud of how much work I’ve put into it and glad I can objectively learn to appreciate the results.

I kept running into this shorter hot scruffy guy that I’ve always had the hots for. I literally ran into him. Recognizing it was him, I took advantage of the happenstance and kept “bumping” into him all night. We both laughed and had fun with it. I was totally flattered that he flirted back and it definitely lifted my spirits. (Remind me to tell you about the big burly Texan who latched onto me and then his follower kept giving me daggers for looks the rest of the night) I am a total sucker for a big smile and his was infectious and lit up his whole face. Naturally, my heart (and other parts) fluttered around him.

Imagine my total surprise when hottie looks me up on FB afterwards!  We continued to flirt and he expressed a desire to go a little further in our “bumping.” I was all too eager to agree. But here is the funny part. As the conversation unfolded, it became apparent he’d always thought I wasn’t into him. The irony is I thought the same thing of him! We’d seen each other around from time to time. I’d always made a point to acknowledge or say hi to him. I never got an indication that he was really interested. He’d always say hi back but it just seemed rather cordial. I was seriously befuddled that he could have possibly thought I wasn’t into him.

And, of course, I’ve been mulling it over constantly since then. lol I pride myself on being friendly and ‘approachable’ so naturally I’m kicking myself as to how I could have given the impression I wasn’t interested. Am I becoming to focused at the gym? Have I started presenting myself as unapproachable w/o knowing it. I enlisted the help of friends, who were perfectly useless. lol I say that w/love because they can’t see me objectively so asking them was pointless. It’s eating at me now of course. And I’ll keep picking at it till I resolve it in my head at some point.

Anyway, as luck would have it, he is usually a top as well. I say usually because, well you know…

We had a great time and he was just as much fun as I expected. (Even more actually)  Of course, in a city full of bottoms I keep running into all the tops. *sigh*

Meaning

After my last dating rant, I was reminded of something I used to tell Apple guy. It was awhile after we’d split and he’d started dating other guys. He would get frustrated because no matter what he told said guy, they always seemed to end up wanting more. Basically I told him, “no matter what you say, actions speak louder than words. When you spend quality intimate time with someone, they are prone to getting the wrong idea.” 

When I look back at my previous dates with the 2nd guy, I broke my own rule. lol As mentioned, I’d told the guy several times that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. We discussed it openly and I even said if it came down to it I’d prefer him as a friend first. But, we’d also spent so quality intimate time together. [1]Several times actually… hehehe So in a round about way, I can sort of see how he might have gotten the wrong idea. Of course, he could have handled it a lot better and “communicated” with me instead of getting pissy and breaking off contact.

The irony here was it all started because we were having issues with both of us being mostly top. [2]We actually flipped for each other. Yes, you read it right, I gave it up. lol He did much better than I did though. We’d also discussed the option of finding a willing third to accommodate our situation. This is where he got jealous. I’d found a willing third and was expressing that he would not ‘work out.’ This is primarily why I got so frustrated with him for his behavior.

Anyway, next time I’ll have to make sure to not break my own rule and keep the boundaries more defined I guess.

References

References
↑1 Several times actually… hehehe
↑2 We actually flipped for each other. Yes, you read it right, I gave it up. lol He did much better than I did though.

0-2

So, it appears I’m 0-2 on my recent dates. lol The 2nd guy started out very sweet but then got all jealous after 2 (yes 2) dates. He then promptly stopped responding to me as a way of ending it. Such behavior reeks of immaturity, which tells me it was for the best. I am not looking for drama and if you wanna throw a tantrum, knock yourself out. Had I not repeatedly made it clear this was a FWB sort of deal, [1]To which he stated he was looking for the same I could have at least understood to a degree. And we discussed it more than once. Whatev. Maybe this is the universe’s way of protecting me from drama. lolol

After the bizarre episode with the porn guy, I wasn’t sure it was the best idea but I told myself I wouldn’t avoid dating this time around. After Drew and I separated, I didn’t exactly hide from the world but I shut myself off from feelings or dating. I became almost mechanical when it came to hook-ups and play time. I guess in some ways it was a defense-mechanism. Anyhoo, I promised myself this time around I wouldn’t do that. So yeah, I’m still making the effort. I’d rather try and fail vs not try at all.

References

References
↑1 To which he stated he was looking for the same

Bizarre

I had the most bizarre encounter the other day. It was truly a noggin-scratcher. This is a bit of an adult rant so be warned. Keep in mind, I’m skipping some detail and including others that are trivial but help to paint the overall picture.

There is this guy that moved to SF a couple years back. I’d seen him around and thought he was very handsome. Actually, I thought he was HOT! lol Turns out he started doing porn and dancing (in bars) not long after he arrived. [1]No, I’m giving out his name. He lives here and I have no desire to be mean. It didn’t bother me as I see nothing wrong w/porn. It did raise a little bit of a red flag but honestly, most of my interest was of the carnal nature anyway. I’m not looking for anything serious right now. So we had dinner one night and I was pleasantly surprised at how disarmingly charming he was. While not overly intellectual, he seemed very genuine, which is a quality I like very much.

Skipping the irrelevant details, he asks to come over one night after he got off a dancing gig. I said yes, he shows up and is obviously a bit intoxicated. Thinking he just needs to crash, I offered him my couch. He asked if he could sleep in my bed w/me. Knowing he was in no shape for nookie, I figured we’d cuddle and pick up in the morning.

Two or three hours into sleep, he wakes me up for some fun. Still knowing he wasn’t prepared for certain things, I settled for giving him some licky-licky, no sticky-sticky. And after seeing him dance, I wasn’t sure he’d be that great at it anyway. You get my drift. lol We finish, everyone seems happy, and I begin to drift off to sleep again. Maybe 20 mins later he goes to the bathroom.

And here is where the bizarre comes in. He is gone for like 10-15mins. He finally comes back and I asked if he is ok. He says no and that he is gonna leave. I’m like ok. I get up to turn the light on and help him out. He is sort of mumbling under his breath and it becomes apparent he is upset. I asked if something was wrong. He starts making a lot of what would be inflammatory statements if they were at all relatable to me. He leaves and spends the next 20-30 minutes texting me a lot of gibberish and insults. I wasn’t upset as much as confused. We’d had a great time and now suddenly he is upset and absolutely refused to tell me why. After asking repeatedly why he was upset, I finally gave up. I even asked if he was upset that we had messed around. [2]Even though he instigated it. He gave the impression that wasn’t it so I have no idea what set him off. I wished him a good life and left it that.

All of my friends think he must have been doing drugs in the bathroom, being gone so long. There was no mess to clean up and he didn’t get in the shower so I doubt he was ‘cleaning.‘ I don’t know what he did or why he suddenly got upset. In a word, it was bizarre. A couple friends asked, ‘what did I expect considering he was in porn?‘ I don’t like that. While it certainly does raise concerns, doing porn doesn’t make someone less of a person. Regardless, it’s over now. I harbor no ill-will toward him. If it was drug-related I hope he eventually gets the help he needs.

References

References
↑1 No, I’m giving out his name. He lives here and I have no desire to be mean.
↑2 Even though he instigated it.