I’ve realized now why I let the apartment get messy at times. When it’s clean, it becomes painfully obvious how little I actually own. At least when it’s messy, the place looks lived in.
Ok, it was a good try . . .the reality is I’m just lazy. I’m not uber messy or neat really. The pad often goes from clean to a varied state of disarray and back again. It is a never ending struggle. blech!
Why can’t I be rich and have a hot butler?
After my last post, I got a slew of emails asking about my S&M habits. I’m flattered but it was a joke. My S&M scenes border on slim to none. I like role play as good as the next guy but I’ve never been into the whole mental dom/sub routine. Besides, I’m aggressive in any position so I don’t think I’d go over very well w/that particular cult. That’s not to say I have a problem with it. If that floats your boat more power to ya. It just doesn’t do it for me. No, I like to consider myself “intense vanilla”. I used to think I was a bit piggish in certain areas. However, living in SF has taught me I don’t even come close to meeting said definition.
Sadly, I must add an admonishment here. I haven’t censured anyone here in quite some time. “Sir Anon” left me a comment that was absolutely vile. So much so, I refuse to even post it. His purpose, I’m sure, was to intimidate as a form of arousal. I detest such insidious behavior and find it at the very least offensive. Said thugs get their kicks by preying on troubled or weak minded guys. I know your type and fella you are barking up the wrong tree. Don’t do that again. If you do, you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of my job. And since I have an IP tracker installed on my server, you are not as “anon” as you think fucker!
I forgot to mention, I got to meet another blogger this week. Kel from Who Threw That Ham. Kel is from Texas and recenlty moved to SF. We had dinner at Blue in the ‘stro and chatted about home, etc. He misses Whataburger too! hehehe
My mirror shot didn’t turn out so good so we asked the waiter to snap off a shot of us together. It turned out pretty good.
So far, Kel is liking the big city. I am a little disappointed. His blogging has lessened since his arrival. Hop over and tell’em to keep it up.
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Well, it finally stopped raining. Yesterday, was the first day in weeks it didn’t rain once. Today is supposed to be clear as well. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain again before finally clearing up. I’m hoping it bounces around us. Maybe I’ll get a chance to take the bike for a nice long ride next week. *cross your fingers*
My schedule for work is changing a bit this weekend. Instead of Mon/Tue/Weds off, I’ll have Sun/Mon/Tue and I’m liking that. One, it means I’m only working three days instead of four this week and two, I get a weekend day off! Can you say “beer bust” at the Eagle? (I don’t drink beer but it’s a fun chance to hang out and socialize in daylight hours!) I’m also getting ready for homer and brettcajun‘s visit. They are both crashing w/moi while in town. (Oh lord, what have I got myself into?) This just means, I have to clean up a bit. Take down the sling, put away the whips, clean up the lube stains, etc. (j/k) But I do need to clean up a bit. I don’t have much but at least it will be clean when they get here. Mi casa es su casa!
The last post knocked the wind out of my sails. That night, I went to bed and bawled like a baby until I fell asleep. Don’t be sad though, it was a good cry. A cry that released a lot of pent up shame. These last two days I’ve had such a feeling of relief. The post was a long time coming and truly an eye opener for me. Would I say I’m completely healed? Of course not, but I do think I’m one step closer to being the person I want to become. The odd part is I really didn’t know what I was going to say until I started typing. Once I started, it just flew out of me like some sort of demon. (I’ve always said I’ve got demons all in me, now you know.) Am I perfect? Eee-gads no! Im still a fucked up confliction of traits all jumbling for dominance. I’m still the same flawed fag I was before just with some new insight. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way. (It’s like being crazy, when you are crazy no one gives a shit about a fucking thing you do! 1000 points if anyone knows where that line comes from.)
What have I learned from my little brain fart? Well, for one, I am too hard on myself. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold for others. And while that probably won’t change, at least I recognize and understand it now. I’ve never been a introverted type of person. Self-examination is definitely not my strong suit. But having taken the time to look at myself has really been invigorating. It has given me a new stillness in my center. A stillness I never had before. I guess in a way I reopened some old wounds but I think they will heal up nicely this time instead of festering. I hope I’m making sense here. I never imagined I would discover so much about myself this year. I wanted to make some changes, yeah. But I feel like I’m really breaking new ground. I’m very happy about that.
Continue reading Back Again
This is probably the most significant post I’ll every write here. If you’ve ever wanted a first-hand view of my self-image, now’s your chance. Instead of making this a private post, I’ve decided to share it in an attempt to demonstrate what it is I struggle with. *I warn you, this is going to be a bit long winded so you might wanna grab some coffee.*
Before I start, let me just say thank you to my few faithful readers. Many of you go out of your way on a regular basis to boost my ego. For that, I am eternally grateful. I get many comments, often in private, asking why I am so hard or down on myself all the time. I’ve never really given it much thought until recently. With my growing feelings for someone, I find myself taking a much harder look at myself. Said person inspires me in ways I’ve never felt before. While he may not have my heart yet, he definitely has my admiration, respect, and attention. (And lets face it, keeping my attention is the hard part)
Ok, ok, I’m stalling. Cut me some slack here, I’m nervous. This is not the easiest post to write. The truth is, I’m hard on myself because I feel I have to be. I often see a clear confliction in how I value other’s kindness toward me and mine towards them. I think I understand why now. You see, being the person I am is still a choice for me. I didn’t grew up w/any sort of moral guidance. Kids are supposed to be given some sort of behavioral guideline to follow throughout life. It becomes ingrained as you grow older and eventually becomes the backbone of your convictions. Whether it be based on religious beliefs or accepted societal norms doesn’t matter. In my case, I just don’t feel that happened. I’ve always felt like an empty slate. I learned my perception of right and wrong from distant family, teachers, coaches, etc. Oddly enough, I got a huge chunk of my ideals from TV. I know what a shocker huh?! But, it’s true. I would often find myself emulating good TV stars. Never the bad ones, always the good ones. And I don’t mind telling you trying to ingrain these traits into my id as an adult has not been an easy task.
Among other things, my parents were selfish, petty, shallow, and even dishonest when it suited them. I was often told to do one thing while they did just the opposite. If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know I was NOT fond of my stepmother. In fact, she is the only person I’ve every truly hated. I blame her for a lot of my woes. And it’s not the physical abuse I remember. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. I remember the broken nose, the fists to the head, and the incident causing my deviated septum but the monotony of the daily beatings has faded away.) What I do remember most is living in a state of constant fear. Fear of never knowing what to do right. At best, my days were a confliction of events that left me paralyzed to rationalize my actions. Until finally one day the fear went away. In it’s place was left a cold dark emptiness. A place cold enough to allow me to almost kill my stepmother when I was only 12 years old. (She was a pill addict and I had a brilliant plan to dissolve a whole bottle of vicodin in one of her pepsi bottles. She was also addicted to soda.) I would have gotten away with it too. My father, siblings, relatives, all knew she was an addict. No one would have ever suspected me. I am deeply ashamed of that. I am grateful I never went thru with it. Instead, I continued on in misery.
Even though I couldn’t go through with it, the cold stayed w/me. I was a different person after that. And it scares me to this day. It gave me no qualms over lying, stealing, cheating, or anything else it took to survive. And yes, I have done things I am ashamed of. I can say I’ve never done anything I consider evil. I’m not vindictive. And I’ve never done things to hurt intentionally or out of some twisted sense of fun. But my life isn’t just about survival anymore. Yes, I choose not to be that person. Yet, I find myself plagued w/doubts over my progress. I know that cruel cold person is still inside me. I don’t dwell in it but it’s still there. I still have to choose to be a good person. It is not ingrained yet. And therein lies all my doubts. You are now privy to one of my deepest insecurities. I am in tears as I write this and I offer to you that I am ashamed.
*I had to take a break here. I’m back again…*
With all of that in mind, I still feel like my life has been blessed. As a child, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and shoes on my feet. There are those even in this country who can’t claim the same. Beyond that, there have been several sentinel moments where I felt things could have gone horribly unrepairably wrong. A good example would be my brush with god. (You should read it if you haven’t otherewise, you’ll miss perspective here.) It was a defining moment. That spark has stayed w/me ever since. It’s always there to give me that extra humph to better myself.
I know I’m taking a chance posting this but I don’t care. You wanted to know my perspective on things, well now you do. Comment if you like but it’s not required. It’s taken me over two hours to write this and I’m completely exhausted. I’m going to bed now.
Last night I was hit w/the realization I’ve fallen for someone. Someone, I tried very hard not to fall for. The catch is it wasn’t the someone I was with at the time. I was out and about getting into some trouble of the carnal kind. Before long, I found myself basking in the attentions of a hot man. A man I’d normally fall over myself vying for his attention. All the while I’m thinking of someone else entirely.
Today, I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I haven’t made sense of them yet. What am I feeling? Excited, scared, worried, and thrilled all at the same time.
Excited that I’m still capable of feeling such things.
Scared I won’t measure up. Rejection really is a bitch. (old habits die hard)
Worried I’ll overcompensate.
And completely thrilled that said guy digs me at all.
So while my cacophony of inner voices fight amongst themselves, I’ll move on. The blogroll is hopping lately w/rants about our [gays] self-hatred. Specifically, groups within our clan who obsess and condemn over stereotypes and behaviors they see as undesirable. I’ll take the drag queen any day thank you. If you are silly enough to think that you are somehow better than someone else because of how well you ‘fit in’, how big your cock is, or how butch you look, you have more issues than even me. And frankly, I only have enough room in my carry on for my baggage. If you are just dying to get your two cents in, hop over to bent collective, joe.my.god, and my previous listing from Aaron to check it out.
And speaking of me, I finally got around to updating the bio page. I’m still tweaking it and should have it posted sometime by early next week. I know your foaming at the mouth to hear more so I’ll promptly update once it’s posted.
I’ve moved some things around on the blog for aesthetics. How’d I do?
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I was also particularly struck by a recent post by Aaron over at meanwhile on “corporate gays” today. Apparently, he hit a sore spot w/quite a few of his readers. Aaron is a new read for me but so far I’m really enjoying reading some of his insights. Check’em out.
Wow, looks like my buddy roblog‘s house warming party is turning into a regular blog convention. brettcajun just firmed up today that he is coming as well. (homer – you don’t mind sharing the bed do you? *eg*) I work that weekend but have made arrangements to have some of the time off. I may develop a 24 hour case of swine flu. hehehe
My list of out-of-town bloggers met in person will grow substantially that weekend. Rob, Tony, Brett, Homie. . . is there anyone else going I don’t know about?
In other less exciting news, it’s rained almost everyday since I bought the bike. I’ve yet to take a nice long ride on it. *sigh* And, I spent 2 1/2 hours at the DMV again yesterday. It went smoothly this time. Last time was painful to say the least.
Kentucky Tim came over last night and we watched the Wallace & Gromit movie on cable. It was cute. Oh and I screwed up my email client last night. It drove me nuts till I fixed it.
Now, I’m left to finish the laundry. You know what a joy that is to me.
