Jig

While some people hide embarrassing moments, I tend not to. And since I wasn’t really embarrassed I guess no worries there either.

So I’m at the gym recently. I was in a bit of a cornball mood so I’m feeling my music. I always work out blasting Spotify or Google music thru my headphones. As sometimes happens, I had to take restroom break. I enter the upstairs restroom enjoying my tunes. One of my fave dance songs came on right at that moment so naturally I start dancing a little jig. Well, in my exuberance I neglected to lock the bathroom door. I’m full swing into  dancing my jig when someone opens the door! It was funny because I think he was actually embarrassed for me! lol He sort of started to apologize then saw my grin and stopped mid attempt. I shrugged it off and politely asked if I could finish my business. He obliged. I finished what I went in there for and continued with my workout.

It gets better. He happens to be next to me a little later working out. He sees me grinning like a devil so feels ok to chat about it. He proceeds to ask me why I wasn’t embarrassed. Feeling a bit cocky,  my first crooked thought was to say, “have you seen this?” and point to myself. Even for me that would have been over the top and really not my style so I quickly discarded the idea. Instead, I just explained I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad so why feel embarrassed? I was dancing a jig and enjoying myself. He laughed w/me and we split ways to finish our respective workouts.

After I thought about it, I figured most folks would have been completely embarrassed in such an unexpected interruption to what was intended to be a private moment. I laughed at the humor of it. I’m just nuts like that I guess.

Assimilate

Today’s rant is about the growing rift within our community as we march toward equality. I’m feeling a bit long-winded today, be warned. [1]I’ve already condensed this post twice

With the progress toward equality, not just under the law but also in the heart & minds of middle America, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems many do not like the march for equality because it would somehow mean giving up some of our culture’s ‘uniqueness’ or ‘queerness’ or whatever subjective term de jour you prefer. Even worse, many of the said folks have begun belittling those who  want inclusion. One has only to delve in the recent SF Pride/Bradly Manning scandal to see it. Actually, you can delve into pretty any recent scandal involving gay culture and see it. The name calling, the condescending attitudes, the outright vitriol for anyone who might simply want to be included and not stand out. It is shameful and makes us no better than the crazy fundies. Oh, the fear might be different but the end is the same. I’m disappointed to see us turning on ourselves over something that should be a given.

Parts of our gay culture developed on different paths. For some, it developed as an abandonment of those who abandoned us. [2]For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!  This group embraced the fact we were different. They began to celebrate and exemplify it. One might say it was liberating as they were freed from the constrictions of an overly restrictive puritanical moral code. In essence, they embraced everything that was outside the norm and rejoiced in the new found freedom it gave them. I would argue these outlets saved many from simply giving up. It is not an idea or approach that necessarily should be discarded. And as one would expect, many of these coping mechanisms became a way of life.

Then you have the holier-than-thou’s who thru ignorance and desperation cater to the idea that LGBT’s should avoid any display of stereotypes and conform. I guess they think if we look/act like the rest of society they’ll fear us less. Sadly, you see it most in the so called conservative gays who let greed dictate their actions. This ideology is flawed because it relies on the premise that I somehow am less deserving of equality and have to earn it thru conformity. It’s not and I don’t.

Then you have what I refer to as the rest of us. The largest percentage of LGBT folks who’ve always felt like they’ve been on the outside looking in and wanted to be inside. We’ve spent most of our lives hoping and fighting for equality. And now that it is happening, we are thrilled beyond measure. For myself, there are parts of me that identify with the first and last groups mentioned above. I stepped away from much of the puritanical nonsense long ago. But I still yearn to be treated equally under the law and not feel like an outcast in society.

The holier-than-thou’s will most likely adapt the easiest. They’ll just shift their need for conformity to greed and keep going. It will barely make a blip on their radar. The first group though are the ones who are struggling with our growing acceptance and for obvious reasons. They developed outside the norm and the norm is now alien to them in many ways. They see it as a relic of the past to be discarded. And on some points, I’d probably agree with them. But that doesn’t make it ok to turn on those who do not see it that way. And to see many within said group turn to hatred is disappointing. It shows first they are not as evolved as they’d like to think for one. Two, it shows they are scared and acting out of misplaced fear to save their way of life. A way of life that might very well be in danger to some degree but not in total destruction.

I would argue that we do not need to be divided. We can accept and rejoice at our inclusion into mainstream society and still maintain the things that gave our culture so much pizazz. And my advice to anyone who resents mainstreaming, don’t be so quick to hate those who’s only goal in life is to feel included. Not everyone copes the same way and it should not be derided because of it. Looking down your nose at LGBT brethren only serves to make you more like the fundies who hate us. They hate us because we are different. They hate us because we don’t act the way they do. Don’t make their shallow un-evolved mistakes. Be the bigger person and embrace the fact we are merging back into society.

And we can merge w/o giving up our culture. Sure some things might change and/or shrink but that is only because this generation is driven to be included. The next generation won’t feel that drive as strongly [3]because they will already feel included and will be more likely embrace uniqueness. Instead of lamenting for the old days, continue on your path and be there to help show them the way. If you need an example, you only have to look within the black community. They’ve maintained a separate culture while still being a part of society as whole. We can do the same but with the flair and creativity that gives us some of our uniqueness.

References

References
↑1 I’ve already condensed this post twice
↑2 For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!
↑3 because they will already feel included

Replace

Stepping away from the very serious previous post, I’m ranting on something much less intense today.

I was chatting with a coworker the other day and we got to talking about being irreplaceable in a work environment. I learned the fallacy of being truly irreplaceable many many years ago. In a previous job, I literally was the only person who could do my job. If I wasn’t there and the shit hit the fan, I got the call to come fix it. It made vacations, time off, sick days, etc very rough. At the time, I didn’t have a realistic view of my skill sets. I didn’t have much education and considered myself unskilled. I didn’t realize the potential and talent of my raw skills. I worried I’d be replaced by someone smarter. It wasn’t until I started realizing how good I was at certain things that I began to question my need to be irreplaceable.

When I started said job, I ended up throwing out the tracking system of the person I was replacing. Said person was also training me. It just seemed overly tedious and not very effective. Without realizing it, my way turned a full time job into a 2-3 day a week part time gig. And while I didn’t go part time, it gave me time to continue learning and growing with the company. As I grew with the company many of my inherent skills lying dormant got used and developed, organizing being one of them. I never really considered myself a very organized person. Growing up the way I did, why would I? lol  But, I apparently had the knack for it. And when presented with a need to manage a lot of different data, resources, and systems I got jolted into using it. Things that came a bit naturally to me (or thru a modicum of self-educating) seem to be beyond others. I was honestly surprised that my simple organization skills seemed so advance to many of my coworkers then. Even looking back on it know I giggle. It began to teach me I wasn’t as unskilled or replaceable as I thought.

When I left the company I managed a whole dept and everyone of my employees knew what I knew. I never once felt threatened by their knowledge or skills. If one of them had been promoted beyond me I would have been ok with it as well. Learning about myself empowered me to hope for that in my fellow workers. While it happened much less than I would have liked, I enjoyed seeing someone develop better work skills. Ironically, when I left they actually split my job into two. Even with the knowledge, my underlings couldn’t seem to pull it off. I think because it took more than just raw skill. I had a good work ethic and I cared about my job and its affect. I did my job and I did it well. I also was fortunate enough to be blessed with being a quick study, especially when I enjoy a subject or skill. I’ve become a bit complacent in that area these days as my life is much more settled. Being on this new project has shown me it’s still there though. I’m already 10 steps ahead of the rest of the group. And that is not a brag at all. They are all intelligent folks. [1]On a side rant, Apple guy excelled at being a quick study as well. He was that much further ahead of me at it. It was one of the qualities I always liked in him. On the flip side, it does sometimes cause a little friction. There have already been a few awkward episodes when one or both of the project managers would suddenly come to understand something I’d been saying for days or weeks. The fact I don’t gloat or have attitude about it makes it very easy to get past though.

Back to the point, IMO being irreplaceable is not job security, it is job dependence. Hording knowledge often alienates coworkers, especially if they can tell what you’re doing. And let’s face it, they often can. There is more to securing your place than trying to make yourself the only person who can accomplish a skill or job.

References

References
↑1 On a side rant, Apple guy excelled at being a quick study as well. He was that much further ahead of me at it. It was one of the qualities I always liked in him.

Better

Today is the anniversary of my almost suicide over 20 years ago. Well it’s actually the day I chose to remember it. I never remembered the actual day but it was late April/early May. When I started looking back on it I decided to make May 1st the day to remember. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t take the final step. Even though life wasn’t perfectly rosy afterwards, there was so much I would have missed out on. It really did get better for me.

To say it was a dark time in my life would be an understatement. I’m always grateful and humbled by the memory. I always seem to get a bit moody around the time of year w/o evening realizing it. I don’t know if it’s some sort of internal trauma clock going off or just my brain’s funny way of dealing with it. Regardless, I had a bit of a rough day today. Nothing bad, I just was overcome with the memories. The pain has dulled over time but the reasons behind it are still fresh in my mind. I always try to forget the pain. I don’t want to remember the anguish that poisoned my soul. No one should ever have to go thru that. Instead I focus on the singular moment when it all changed. When I was overcome with the pure indescribable joy that flooded my soul. I’ve always said, I touched the divine that day. Not the made-up hypocritical faux God taught in le Bible but the real thing. I didn’t find it by looking out but within. I found it deep within me. It was there all that time just waiting for me to touch it. And when I did make contact for only the briefest of moments, it was truly indescribable. There are no words for the lightning bolt of joy that was given to me in that singular moment. It washed away the sorrow, the pain, and the hopelessness. Don’t misunderstand, it didn’t ‘fix’ me. But it washed away the poison that threatened to kill me. To this day the joy is still with me. I wake up every day to that little spark that still resides in my soul. It gives me purpose and reason to continue. It drives me to push past the pain and disappointments of life. It teaches me the struggle to be better is the point.

Some might consider it odd to mark the anniversary of such a traumatic event but I don’t. It reminds me of not only where I came from but how far I’ve come. My life then and now are polar opposites in many many ways. I am not that naive abandoned little boy anymore. I grew into a man that I am proud to be. And while there is always room for improvement, the marker serves to give me renewed hope every year of my life.

Arrogant

I was talking to a friend the other day and I sort of confronted him on something. He has always had an arrogant side and I was genuinely curious where it came from. Some of it I could sort of be expected as he trends on the very good looking side of things. And while not rich, he has a job that keeps him comfy. One might expect a bit of arrogance from such a person.

The odd part is I’ve never really seen it as a connection for this particular guy. It doesn’t seem, to me anyways, that his attitude comes from that aspect of his life. So curiosity got the better of me and I flat out asked him. His answer surprised me. He said his dad had been on the arrogant side and it was often a way to cover up insecurity. Growing up as a boy he’d picked up on it and grew into using it for himself. I guess to a degree that makes total sense but I don’t think I would ever expect arrogance to cover insecurity. They don’t seem grounded in the same causations, so to speak. I was equally surprised he was introspective enough to have figured how why he does it.

We chatted a bit more and emboldened by his honestly, I asked why he’d never attempted to be arrogant with me directly. His reply was again a bit of a shocker. lol He told me he’d never felt a need to behave that way around me. He also indicated he didn’t think I would put up with it anyway, which is true but not the point. I was surprised here because in a previous rant a while back I talked about discovering friends had been intimidated by me before they knew me. He’d been one of them apparently.

Now that I’ve had to digest it all, I’m still a bit baffled. I’ve always seen arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while I still think that, I am beginning to see the facets of it now. From my jaded world-view, it has always been something I contributed to rich spoiled or super attractive guys. I guess on some level I knew it could be associated with insecurity but I obviously never registered it as a conscious thought process. And now I find myself going back thru memories of guys in my past who’d I’d labeled as arrogant and written off wondering if they too had developed it as a coping mechanism.

I still see arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while it may very well sometimes be a coping mechanism, it is a destructive one. It does more harm than good in the end and should be avoided. Besides, being humble increases a man’s attractiveness. The old adage goes, “you catch more flies with honey…” would apply here it seems.

Inferior

I mentioned via various social media profiles that I recently hired a cleaning crew for the apt. Lord knows it needed it. A friend of a friend happened to see my post and messaged me in private asking for details. In the process, he seemed to go out of his way to establish his superiority by demeaning the fact she cleaned homes for a living. I was a bit surprised because there wasn’t really a need for him to inject that into the conversation. I mean if the situation were reversed I just would have asked the pertenent details and went on about my way.

Naturally, I gave him my two cents. Performing menial tasks for a living is not demeaning. Nor does it make you less deserving of respect. Frankly, she does a service that people clearly need and want. She is most definitely doing me a service that I appreciate. I respect her hard work and efforts. I could go on and on about my ideas where this comes from. Be it societal constructs, class wars, blah blah blah not the point. I’m more surprised when I hear it from a gay person because we get treated differently because of a characteristic we can’t control. You’d think that would make us more compassionate and accepting of others. Sadly, not always the case.

I’m pretty sure I got my strong work ethic from my dad. I may not have gotten a lot from him but he did manage to instill that into me very young. My father worked a variety of blue-collar jobs in his life, some more profitable than others. He never begrudged others their higher/lower payscales. My dad always said an honest job, no matter what it is, deserves respect. An honest job is an honest living. And while he worked some pretty physically taxing jobs in his  life, he was pretty content with it.

At the end of the day, I try not to put down others to make myself feel better. I don’t try to elevate myself above them to feel superior. While I am proud of what I do, that doesn’t make me better than anyone else. I’ve cleaned up some pretty disgusting things in my life. And honestly, I was happy to do it. Even a shitty job deserves to be done right IMO.

Adult

Cooper will officially be 3 years old in June. And he is definitely moving into adult-hood. One of his recent changes is a lack of urgency. He has always been a bit eager. Sometimes he’s even a bit too eager. I’m sure being left alone a lot by his previous owner didn’t help that. Up until recently, he’s always been very anxious when I’m leaving or just moving around the apt. He’ll immediately jump up and walk around with me to see what I’m up to. In public, he’s always pulling to be with me or bouncing around sniffing, peeing, or being nosey. As he gets older he is certainly moving away from that.

These days he tends to take his sweet time unless I push him along. lol He doesn’t mope but he just isn’t rushed. I think it is a sign of his continual adjustment to his life with me. He realizes I’m not going to leave him and if I do leave him at some point, he knows I’m coming back. He doesn’t fear being left so no need to stay under my feet. I’m happy about that of course. Many of our regular haunts, he walks in and just plops down in his usual spot until I’m ready to leave. At Starbucks, it is right in front of the pick up spot. It has a slight in cut and he fits there perfectly without being in the way. At the bagel shop, there is this weird little cubby spot in the front counter as well. Once again he plops down until I’m finished eating and/or called to get up. Same with the post office. lol He is very used to the route we take to places in the hood. He still gets a bit rambunctious at the dog park at times. He always seems to want to try and dominate the big dogs. [1]I have NO idea where he gets that from! lol  Otherwise, he pretty much ignores the dogs and runs around marking everything.

He can still get pretty worked up but for the most part he is mellowing out pretty well. I bet as he ages he turns into a big snoring cushion. lolol Mark my words, he is realizing very quickly how good his life is and he is taking full advantage of it. Regardless, I love my companion and he loves me. It brings me untold joy to know he loves and enjoys his life.

References

References
↑1 I have NO idea where he gets that from! lol

Ear

Growing up I had a weird fascination with some of my elders and their propensity to have very long hairs in very odd places. Now as an adult I’m not a fan of recreating said grooming techniques. Actually, I quite abhor such things. Imagine my surprise when I noticed a particularly long hair hiding in my ear. It lurked far enough back I normally can’t see it in the mirror. Sadly, as it got longer it could no longer hide from discovery. Whilst doing my morning grooming I noticed that fucker lurking like a tick in my ear canal. I promptly plucked and discarded him in the trash.

I can still remember being creeped out seeing guys with either really big bushy eyebrows or long straggly nose/ear hairs. There is nothing wrong with having hair in said places but there is also nothing wrong with trimming or keeping that stuff in check.

Besides my whiskers, I have a few wild hairs that like to spring up on the outer top of my ears. I am ever vigilant for them and they get plucked as quickly as I discover them. lol I’d also have a unibrow if I didn’t pluck it. Even as a kid, I had really thick dark eyebrows. I learned very early the art of ripping that shit out. hehehe

Lounge

Today was a good day. I woke up early again but I still slept in. Cooper didn’t budge till I get up so he must enjoy sleeping in too. We had breakfast, did a few small chores and then headed off to the park for a couple hours in the sun. Afterwards, we spent the rest of the day being lazy and enjoying the weather. Well, he spent the day being lazy. I got out some more for the sun and then settled down for some much missed video gaming.

I can’t express what I relief it was not to be stressed about having to clean the apt. The whole apt feels and smells clean. I’m happy I broke down and hired a cleaning crew. It may not be a necessity but is most definitely is a priority for me. I’d rather spend the money and know it will get done like clock work than stress over doing it or procrastinating it to death. I’ve already made some adjustments in my spending to off-set some of the cost. And while not as inexpensive as my previous crew way back when, still affordable for me. The roomie is contributing as well so it totally deadens the expense.

Anyway, I giggled when I realized I didn’t have to give up part of my weekend now. It hadn’t yet dawned me that I’d have the free time. I tend to procrastinate over chores and they tend to pile up. Then I get irritated and spend a whole day (or weekend) catching up. It was nice realizing this morning I didn’t have to do either.

Tomorrow I think I’ll try to go for a short ride on the bike. I can’t go too far as I still haven’t gotten my replacement fairings yet. But a short ride around the city, to the beach, or just over the bridge sounds perfect!

Hope you all are having a good weekend!

Perceive

It’s funny how some things strike a chord with people. My recent “strange” post seemed to resonate with more than a few of my readers. My friend B from Houston reached out to me to tell me how much he admired how honest I was. I was really taken with his email and warm emotion. I knew B back when I was living out of my car, working three jobs, including the tubs on weekends. He was always kind to me when I was working the tubs. He never looked down at me, belittled my work, or treated me in any way poorly. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my job wasn’t glamorous. And while I certainly didn’t brag, I never hid the fact. It was an honest living and it helped me get back on my feet. I have no problem admitting, then or now, that I worked in a bath house. Anyway, B and I stayed in contact over the years. Being a lover of bullies himself, he reached out to me when Spike passed. It meant so much to me that he did that.  His kudos to me in his email was a wonderful affirmation and I greatly appreciated it.

My buddy B [1]Same letter, different person from Colorado then reached out to me not even 24 hours later laughing about times we spent hanging out at “Cheesy-man” park on weekends. I used to drive down from Boulder and go rollerblading in the park. B was always cruising for a boy. He was also a very nice guy. He handled my polite rejection and built on it. We ended up being friends. He was also really touched by my post and reached out to me. His take was a tad different in that he loved that I’m always so direct. He loved to hear that I was still the same old ‘me’ all these years later.

When I wrote that post it was a total whim about a random yet humorous experience in my day to day life. I didn’t see it as anything significantly meaningful. But looking back on it I can see where some of the deeper meanings apply. I guess it’s a good sign that effective habits I struggled to have as a young man have taken root and become engrained. In my rambling I missed the significance of not letting someone else’s jaded behavior effect my own.

I confided in both B’s that I was tickled at how they perceived my post. They both found it very moving in their own way and I was just sharing my humor in it. As I told them both, I no longer question the idea of whether to post an idea here. Some things that I think will be revealing or insightful barely make a blip. Then something random like this really speaks to my readers. At the end of the day I just blog. If it strikes my fancy in it goes! The reasoning behind that is simple. I share because I can and because I never had anyone to share my struggles with as a kid. There were no blogs, no support groups, no internet, nada. Just knowing I wasn’t alone in my struggles would have made the pain so much more bearable for me back then. So yes, I do share in the hopes that my life stories will inspire, assure, or all around help others realize they are not alone.

As I am very fond of saying, hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 Same letter, different person