Author: Moby

Highs & Lows

Awww, you guys are gonna make me cry. lol First, I have a very thick skin so I am perfectly fine. I wrote the last post after getting a very acidic email filled with some strong language. I almost feel sorry for the poor sap now. Almost! I found it incredibly humorous which is why I shared it.

Oh yes, stupid did send it from his work address. Yes, I did email their IT dept along with a copy of the police report I made. [1]A report that included his email address, IP address and tracking fields from the header. Bless his heart. Yes, the company CEO did email me a personal apology. No, I will not list his name here. I think he learned his lesson. And even if he didn’t, he learned not to be so stupid next time. [2]Moral of the story? It is not nice to fuck with me.

Thank you all for sending me such kind words and support. One person suggested I start posting the IP addresses of people who write me such things. I think I might just do that in the future. I’m always tickled how people think they are being so anonymous on the internet. Well, for 6 of you that get a Xmas card from me. I couldn’t find your address so I did an internet search and got it that way. Happy Kwanza! heeehee

I am a little sad this holiday season though. Several of my friends and family are down. It all started when my roomie lost his job. [3]Well his PRIMARY job. *giggle* Then TFA shared a very personal problem he is battling with. Right after that my old brother [4]4 of 8 is his designation was in a really bad car accident in Wyoming. He got banged up pretty good but will make a full recovery. As if that wasn’t enough I found out this week a close friend’s mom died. He is very upset as he was very close to her. AND, I found out yesterday another close friend and his lover are splitting up. Jesus H Christ Mary Joseph and David! What is up with all the tragedy? I feel almost guilty my life is going rather swimmingly at the moment. I know that’s stupid of course. One of my friends says I’m “too empathic” when it comes to the people I care about. I don’t know about all that but I do admit it is getting to me a little.

In some good news, it looks like I might get some really good days off this time around. [5]I’m on my schedule sign-up at work. We do it every 6 months. I could end up with 3 days off including weekend days or just the weekend off. I’m really quite surprised by that. At the very worst, I’d end up with my same shift of Sunday/Monday’s off. I guess gone are the days of worrying about having enough seniority to pull a weekend slot. *crossed fingers* Of course, I am pushing 7 years come April with the department. I find out today as the just called and it is my turn. Wish me luck?

Oh, a couple more things. Speaking of Christmas cards, with all the drama as of late, I just put them in the mail today. Sorry, you’ll either get it just in time or just too late. lol I also got word that I’ve been nominated for some sort of Gay blog award somewhere. I don’t really care for such things but I’m extremely flattered.

References

References
↑1 A report that included his email address, IP address and tracking fields from the header. Bless his heart.
↑2 Moral of the story? It is not nice to fuck with me.
↑3 Well his PRIMARY job. *giggle*
↑4 4 of 8 is his designation
↑5 I’m on my schedule sign-up at work. We do it every 6 months.

Stinker II

A friendly reminder.

If you do decide to send me hate mail, you might consider not sending it from an IP address that resolves to your work address. Apparently, IT dept. heads hate getting a threat of liability for allowing you to send slurs against my orientation thru company servers. And just so you know, threats to do me bodily harm, even open-ended ones, sent across state lines automatically rises to the level of a felony. Just a thought, of course. You are free to do as you like.

Apparently…

I’m an asshole, the ruin of society, arrogant, egotistical, stupid, a sinner, and a dirty cocksucker (Well, the last one I can agree on).  So says a very militant group of supporters on monogamy.  Of course, the other camp called me a visionary, a master of discussion, and a hero.  How ever do I pull all of that off at the same time?  Perception certainly is a funny thing ain’t it? [1]We’ll crack that nut another day.

The truth is, I don’t pull any of it off.  I’m just honest.  I’m also willing to look beyond the confines of what I’m told I must do or believe to what I want/desire.  I’m learning to let go of the fear/worry of what is expected of me by others.  These days, I tend to focus more on what I want me to be.  An entirely different path it seems.  And my post was about me sharing my views on the subject not to convert anyone else.  If you read it again, I clearly ask you to discover for yourself what honestly works for you.  No easy task for sure. 

Clearly, several folks were able to express a difference of opinion without being mean.  And I thank you for it.  I am not so foolish as to cover a topic as touchy as this and not expect some fall-out. [2]I got texts, emails, comments, and phone calls about it. lol  Apparently, I struck a nerve.  However, I ask I demand common courtesy and respect.   In my eyes, you lose all credibility when you resort to name calling and condemnation.  I have no use for such in my life or on this blog. 

And for the more die-hard Moby fans, I posted a follow-up hidden post which shared more of my own carnal views on the subject.  What? You missed it?  Tsk, tsk.  Maybe you should be logged in.  [3]Ok, yes, I’m doing a plug for the blog here.  I do like knowing people read.  Besides, I figure I’ll need a few new readers after my latest rant. lol 

Looking at the bigger picture for a moment, I’m still discovering what it is to be me.  My views on morality, sex, monogamy, etc are just that, my views.  Some things I’ve assimilated and processed other folks never get around to.  The reverse could be said of me too.  I am an imperfect being created by imperfect beings. [4]Totally stealing a sci-fi quote here  As I get older, I realize the truth of that statement.  Not so much what it says on the surface but what it implies underneath.  We all struggle.  We find guides, support, and road-blocks constantly in life.  Perfection is a goal we will never reach.  But it is is not the goal that matters.  It is the struggle to obtain perfection that gives our lives meaning. 

References

References
↑1 We’ll crack that nut another day.
↑2 I got texts, emails, comments, and phone calls about it. lol  Apparently, I struck a nerve.
↑3 Ok, yes, I’m doing a plug for the blog here.  I do like knowing people read.  Besides, I figure I’ll need a few new readers after my latest rant. lol
↑4 Totally stealing a sci-fi quote here

Dazzling Stupidity

My tolerance for blind stupidity seems to be diminishing w/age.

While on MUNI this afternoon, this lady felt the need to interrupt my conversation and asked me, “Why are you gay? I just don’t get it.” Before I even thought about it, I blurted out, “Well, being gay was my 2nd choice. I actually wanted to be the Wizard of Oz but the position was already taken.”

She was less than amused. However, the look on my face clearly demonstrated my contempt for sheer stupidity. She was content to turn and walk away.

The M Word

Perfectlyflawed asked about my specific views on monogamy. Adam also recently referenced an article on his own blog about the same subject. After doing a search thru my blog files, I realized I’ve only given partial answers on the subject. What better time than the present to put it into a post? I had to really condense it though. There are so many aspects that come into play in relationships however, I’m trying to keep the topic about monogamy.

First, let me list out a few axioms which I firmly believe to be true [1]IMHO,they are documented fact but for some, them is fightin’ words! and represent the bulk of my argument.

1) Commitment and monogamy are not the same thing.
2) Intimacy and sex are not the same thing.
3) Men, by genetic disposition, are less inclined to bond emotionally with their sexual partners.

Just from the above mentioned ideas many often assume I am against monogamy. Not true. My argument is that monogamy is possible just not probable for most gay men. Big difference. I am against applying monogamy out of personal insecurities, irrational fear or as a form of control. We also often forget what works for one may not work for others. We project our own morals or ideals onto those around us. A very natural human trait. However, it is our reason that should save us from false ideologies. What works for one may not work for all.

If one looks at most species in nature, monogamy is not the norm. That is not to say it cannot be. There are some species that often form life-long bonds with one mate. Again, possible? Yes. Probable? No. Back to my little axioms.

1) While monogamy is a type of commitment, it is not all encompassing. The failed assumption I encounter is that you cannot have one w/o the other. IMHO, we get this concept from a paradigm designed for opposite-sex couples to propagate the species. [2]This planet is suffering already from overpopulation so there is no real fear of extinction. And, considering we are bombarded with this relationship model practically from birth, it is no wonder many gay men fall into the assumption they too must follow the same model. Commitment to share your life with someone involves a lot more than sex. Sex can be a big part of that but by no means the only part.

2) While intimacy and sex can be very intertwined they are also not mutually inclusive. From my own perspective, intimacy often involves very non-sexual acts. I often find this to be a big issue for gay men. Out of loneliness, I think many of us are really searching for intimacy and using sex to get it. It can be hard to separate one’s desire or lust from the need for companionship and/or emotional fulfillment. Now throw in varying sex drives and you see yet another failed assumption.

3) Men as mammals have lower levels of the chemical in their brains that causes bonding with sexual partners. [3]I know the name of the chemical but having a brain fart on how to spell it at the moment. That is not to say all men have the same levels. Libido goes hand in hand w/this argument. For some, like myself, with a strong libido, sex is more of a constant need vs a random occurrence. For others who may have lower sex drives, it can relate more to intimacy vs carnal satisfaction. Neither is wrong or right just different. Now put the two together as often happens. Who’s needs should come first? The person with the higher or lower sex drive? Is it fair to ask one to do without because the other just isn’t interested? Well, if he really loved me, he’d be faithful. Relationships are supposed to be about mutual fulfillment, emotionally and physically, not one-sided controls.

“What about the children?” Forgetting for a moment we aren’t talking about children, children shouldn’t be exposed to the sexual exploits of adults (regardless of sexuality) until they reach a level awareness that usually comes w/puberty. However, when children are involved one should be putting the needs of the children first. The rather obvious failed assumption here is that children only thrive in monogamous relationship models because it provides stability. Well, I guess the thousands, if not millions, of us who grew up in totally dysfunctional families can prove that little assumption wrong. How many of us grew up with parents who hated each other but stayed together for the sake of the children. The reality is children rarely grow up even in heterosexual relationships only being influenced by their parents. What about Uncles/Aunts, Grandparents, and family friends? All of these folks often play a vital role in the development of children. Children need love, acceptance, and support. It doesn’t really matter so much where it comes from as long as they get it.

Now figure in a variety of variables like a complete lack of gay role models, environment, childhood trauma/abuse, upbringing, religion, [4]Actually, religion shouldn’t count because monogamy was added to most religions much later. However, religion does play a big part in how we get our view of relationships. the stigma of being gay, etc you begin to see how really complex it can be. Is it any wonder we as gay men struggle to find meaningful fulfilling relationships?

Instead of creating labels, limits, and controls for relationships or prospective ones, we should take the time to be honest. First and foremost, we need to be honest with ourselves about our desires, drives, fetishes, etc. Forget what you think you should be or is expected of you and admit to yourself what it is that really floats your boat. Then comes honesty with your partner(s). If you can’t be honest w/yourself or your partner, you really aren’t ready for any type of relationship, open or otherwise. We often see the fallout from such lack of honesty thru “cheating”. Lets face it, if your needs aren’t getting met at home (emotional or physical) you often find it elsewhere. That or it manifests in other ways like poor health, depression, etc. Either way, you are doing yourself and your partner a disservice.

Here is where I sort of go off topic a bit. Open or closed, relationships are hard work. Many of us rush into relationships w/o really being able or ready to handle it. No shame there. Loneliness can be an ugly and bitter emotion. But to truly conquer it, we have to reach a level of self-acceptance and respect that is not always easy. We need to love ourselves before we can truly love another. We also forget, humans are fallible. We make mistakes. Love without room for forgiveness, isn’t really love but control. I can only love you if you do this or don’t do that. Sound familiar? And just because many men rush into an open LTR [5]People often assume having an open LTR means a complete free for all. Relationships can be open or not in a variety of ways. w/o taking the time to understand it doesn’t mean it is any worse (or better) than a closed one.

Does this mean you might find less prospective mates? Of course it does. But, you are finding less because you are refining your search to those better suited to you vs anyone who expresses interest.

Let the “oh no he didn’ts” begin!

References

References
↑1 IMHO,they are documented fact but for some, them is fightin’ words!
↑2 This planet is suffering already from overpopulation so there is no real fear of extinction.
↑3 I know the name of the chemical but having a brain fart on how to spell it at the moment.
↑4 Actually, religion shouldn’t count because monogamy was added to most religions much later. However, religion does play a big part in how we get our view of relationships.
↑5 People often assume having an open LTR means a complete free for all. Relationships can be open or not in a variety of ways.

I’m Fine

Awww, I’m so verklempt over everyone checking in on me. Thanks for all the private emails asking how I’m doing. I really am fine. After getting a very concerned email from homer tonight I figured it was time to spill it. I got hit with a lot of stress this past weekend. First, the brother getting into a horrific accident then a very unexpected need of support for TFA.

Things w/TFA and I are still evolving. We had a great time this weekend. I’m not really comfortable explaining the nature of my visit however, he needed me and I went. Enough said. I felt like my being there was very comforting to him. He leaned on me for support and I was happy to give it. It also made me feel really good knowing he trusted me enough to share and let me in, so to speak.

That said, I am beginning to have doubts. I find myself looking beyond my growing feelings for him to the overall picture. I begin to wonder if what he needs from me and what he wants from me are the same thing. Confused yet? Get in line. lol

Basically, I think he needs the attention, affection, and intimacy. I think he wants a really good friend for support. I routinely get mixed signals from him. The irony is his actions show he cares a lot more than his words. How’s that for a role reversal? I am acting in both roles obviously. TFA is such an amazing man. I am constantly astounded by his struggle and humility. No matter what happens between us my admiration and care for him will remain. But, there comes a point when I have to ask, what about my needs? Seeing him once a month or less is definitely getting to me. Being in limbo as to where our connection is headed isn’t doing much for me either. At some point, my needs have to come into the picture.

Frankly, I don’t feel it would be fair to demand more from him right now. He has bigger fish to fry than focusing on me. I’m not belittling my feelings at all. Nor does it take away from what he feels but, it certainly plays into the situation. I’m actually sort of proud of myself for being able to see the bigger picture. That still does little to remedy the immediate problem.

I wish I could explain more but that would mean disrespecting his wish for privacy. What I can say is a variety of the problems he faces are coming to an end. He is also switching back to domestic flights which gives him a whole lot more flexibility with scheduling (read trips to SFO here). So I figure I can hang on for a couple more months and see where things head. If I see a change in his availability then I’m willing to see it thru. If not, I will probably need to pull back and remain as his friend. It will be hard for me considering how strongly I feel however, I am capable of looking beyond just my own feelings. There is no shame in this for me and I would hope for him. He will always have my support and admiration.

So now I’m asking myself, worst case scenario would I regret getting involved with him. Absolutely not. One, I’m learning I can love w/o expectation and two, I am still learning. Small words, big meaning.

Another little irony. I’m working on a long-winded post inspired by Adam and another reader about monogamy. I haven’t been able to work on it since I got back however, it is coming. Oh yes! It is coming. lol

Back In The Habit

I made it back from SD. Short but emotional weekend. I definitely need some time to process.

I went to support TFA regarding a problem that came up. Mission accomplished in that regard. We also managed to squeeze some fun time in as well. San Diego is a very pretty city. I was really surprised at how kept up it was. Even the run down areas were surpisingly nice looking. TFA was very gracious and showed me a large chunk of the city and surrounding areas. I particularly liked La Jolla (pronounced La Hoy-ya). A tad rich for my tastes but, the parks and open spaces next to the beaches were stunning.

I also got a chance to meet one of my blog/twitter buddies gooster. I wasn’t sure it would work out but as the fates would have it, I got some free time. We decided to meet up at Starbucks while TFA went off to handle some personal stuff. I was a little embarrassed as I was dozing off when he got there. [1]In my defense, I’d been on my feet all day at the zoo. Gooster was actually a tad cuter in person. He has very nice eyes and lips. Of which, I mentioned to him and got to see him blush a little. hehehehe I had a really good time hanging out with him even though it was very short. I hope he takes my advice about being more social though. He has a lot to offer someone.

So, it was a good weekend. The emotional part I need time to process. I’ve made some realizations that need to be pondered. No worries, I’ll blather on about it here in due time.

I’m a bit tired today. I flew straight in and had to head right off to work. OY!

References

References
↑1 In my defense, I’d been on my feet all day at the zoo.

yay!

Here is a shot of me mugged out from the airport today. I’m on my phone so limited typing.
1) San Diego is a very beautiful city. Even more so than SF.
2) Cold in SD is not as bonechilling as cold in SF
3) Very emotional day but a good day.
4) I’m tired as a mofo right now.
More tomorrow when I can update.

IMAGE_137.jpg

Unexpected Trip

I’m taking an unexpected trip to San Diego tomorrow (well today now). Some bad news prompted the trip but it warms my heart TFA wanted me to be there with him.

I’ll have limited access to email and the blog so not much posting. Probably update a lot more via twitter. I’ve been working on a long-winded post about monogamy after an inquiry from a reader. It will have to wait till I get back. [1]I know you are just waiting with baited breath. lol

Do try to not start any blog wars while I’m gone.

Here’s hoping I can squeeze in 5 hours of sleep.

References

References
↑1 I know you are just waiting with baited breath. lol