Belt

Ever get stuck in between belt notches? I’m currently stuck there. I’m not quite lean enough to move in a notch on the belt but the notch I’m currently using isn’t quite cutting it either. lol Don’t ya just hate that? #firstworldproblems

It’s the same thing with t-shirts too. I’m mostly in larges now but there was a time there were I was between a medium and large depending on the brand of shirt. Being someone who is not an avid shopper by nature, it gets frustrating having to always try a shirt on to see if it fits. And of course, ordering online can be a real pain, especially when the vendor doesn’t list out who manufactures their shirts. arrrgh!

And speaking of clothes, it’s time to start buying again. I used to force myself to buy one new item of clothing every month. This kept me in decent clothing and kept me from looking like a raggedy man. lol When Apple guy and I were together, he made shirts so I always had a quick fix for a new tshirt so I got out of the habit. Anyway, I was doing laundry the other day and noticed several of my shirts were looking pretty worn. Time to get my ass in gear and start shopping again. *sigh*  I don’t mind shopping but there is not joy in it so often it’s like a chore for me. And I love nothing more than procrastinating about chores!

Rebound

Apparently, the wounds from the breakup haven’t completely healed yet. Le me ‘es’plain’.

I’ve put myself back out there in regards to dating. While I’m not actively hunting someone to date, I’ve made myself available to opportunities when they present themselves. If you’ve been reading, you know my last two dating attempts were colossal failures! lol Which by itself is not a deterrent. It just makes you appreciate the right one more when it comes along. Anyway, one such opportunity is the topic of my rant today. And the catch? This time the other guy is not the one that has done something wrong.

I met this nice guy on Scruff recently. We’ve gone on a few dates and I even invited him to stay over one night. [1]Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call. So as we’ve taken time to start getting to know each other, familiar feelings of angst crept up on me. I didn’t catch it at first but once or twice I caught myself falling into old trains of thought.

The sleep over was nice. We cuddled and had a nice time. It wasn’t until afterwards that it suddenly hit me what I’ve been doing. The angst were feelings of loneliness and I was acting out based on insecurities. The moment I recognized it, everything fell into place. And I say it that way because I already knew going into it there were some challenges. I choose not to elaborate at this point out of the fact I still have to resolve this with him. In an nutshell, I’m rebounding in a sense. He is the first guy I’ve dated where I’ve been the one pushing for things to happen. Unfortunately, I’ve been pushing for the wrong reasons. And I know some of your are wondering if I’m misreading real attraction for insecurities. The answer is I don’t think so. Having recognized my own actions and examined the why behind them, it is obvious to me. And the moment I accepted it, the angst went away.

Now I’m faced with a choice on how to proceed. I like him enough I’d definitely like to keep him as a friend. So do I end the romance and just focus on friends? End the potential friendship and focus on the sex? Or end it completely and walk away? I’m inclined to do option one. And while I think he’ll be disappointed, I also think on some level he probably sees it as well. Regardless, I’m grateful I caught myself before I pushed it too far and one or both of us ended up getting hurt.

So yeah, I’m still learning. Hope springs eternal… 

References

References
↑1 Which is kind of a big deal as I never have ‘sleep overs.’ And if I do, clearly you are more to me than just a booty call.

Days

I recently accepted a special assignment at work. It goes into effect late March. It has to do with our upcoming software upgrade. I’m very happy to do it. The only real down side is I’ll have to switch over to a day shift, 9-4. I’m already Mon-Fri so no changes there. I’m most definitely not a morning person so this will present a challenge. lol Gone (temporarily) will be the days of me waking up on my own. I’ll have to drag my sleeping bulk out of bed bright and early and show up during breakfast hours.

The assignment could last 4-5 months and will be a lot of tedious work. As mentioned, I’m excited because the changes are huge and will effect all of us for the next 20 years. City-govs don’t upgrade software often and this upgrade, while from the same vendor, is a huge deal. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get included in the process so it would be colossally stupid of me not to take this assignment. I’ll suck up my angst about being an early bird and do it. My computer and software knowledge will benefit, not only me, but all of my fellow co-workers. I also bring the user perspective to the table which is often overlooked by the engineers, developers, and sellers. We’ve already discovered several issues that would have been deal-breakers. So yeah, I’m gonna do it. Not even a question to me.

On the flip side, I’ll get a view of how the rest of the world lives! I’ll get to actually go out in the evenings and do stuff with friends during the week. I’ll be able to drive home in daylight hours. If I wanted, I could watch many of my shows live vs tivo’d. Obviously, I won’t but I could. hehehe. I can also go out on weeknight dates and dinners.

Cooper shouldn’t be too hard as the change only works out to 4 hours on his schedule. He’ll go out a little early in the morning and a little later in the afternoon. I don’t expect much problem there. *crossed fingers*

Don’t be surprised if my updates for the first week are a bit on the cranky side!

Kind

It is amazing what a kind word to a stranger can do. I’ve mentioned here more than a few times that I try to do random acts of kindness.

Today, as I was showering off at the gym an older guy came in. He’s a regular and had been missing for over a few months. I’d seen him a while back and he didn’t look good. He’d obviously had some sort of medical episode and was recovering. While he has always been on the very lean side,  he looked like he’d put on a bit of muscle on his upper body. His skin had gained that healthy glow again and he basically was looking good.

I told him his upper body was looking good and he’d obviously been working hard. I swear, you could tell he almost started crying. You could see the admiration and gratitude in his face and his voice as he thanked me  repeatedly.

Just something so little and slight to me made someone’s day. You could see it put him in a better mood. And I should hope I look as good as he does at his age. He is probably mid to late 50’s and clearly takes care of his body. Anyway, do a random act of kindness today, this week, or just once a week every week. It may seem trivial and pointless but to the people on the receiving side, I’d bet money they see it a lot differently!

Oh, and you should be logged in. 🙂

 

 

Update

As previously mentioned, I have lost several pounds of fat weight. Several of you, of Bellycourse, demanded pics. Here is a pic of me today at the gym. It’s kinda blurry cause I snapped it quickly. But I bees so proud of myself. hehehe. I’ve mentioned numerous times I have no desire to get ripped but I have been working on leaning up a bit.

Most of you probably don’t see the difference from previous pics but I do. I can stand and jiggle my core and see the fat loss areas. I also feel the difference. When I grab my love grips, instead of feeling like a grip, they feel empty-ish. As long as I maintain the weight-loss the little extra bits of skin will be reduced as well!

Several people ask what I’m doing differently. The biggest change has been my eating habits. I eat out less and try to prepare healthier meals at home. As mentioned, it’s made big difference in my eating habits. I find that even when I do eat out now the amount of food I eat to feel full is lower.  I wish I could say I’d been doing more cardio. Sadly, I haven’t. My results would probably be more dramatic if I had. lol Just being in the gym 5 days a week is hard enough. [1]Which is a form of cardio all on it’s own  My routine now is one week of free weights, one week of ISO benches, and one week of cables. It’s coming up on time to redo the workout regimen as I can tell I’m adapting to the current one. Seeing the changes has helped keep me motivated as well.

I’ve also noticed a big difference in my legs. I always had a horrible habit of neglecting my legs. Now that I’m doing them consistently, I’m seeing some big gains. I’m pushing 460lbs on the leg press, which for me is pretty nice. I’ve also had to switch to one-leg calf-presses as I’ve maxed out the machine on two legs.

All in all I’m pretty happy with my progress so far.

References

References
↑1 Which is a form of cardio all on it’s own

Facts

Following up on my cognitive dissonance rant, I’ve been really disappointed lately with the disturbing trend we have toward ignoring facts. It seems that once again we are following in the foot-steps of the crazies by now also ignoring facts in favor of bias.

I use the most recent episode of Fitness SF’s [1]Formerly Gold’s Gym domain scandal. One of the web contractors for the gym took their domain down and posted a rather long diatribe about “freelance developers” and “independent businesses” not being respected or paid. The contractor went on to accuse the franchise [2]Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms of failing to pay past due bills.

First, I agree a business should pay its bills. That was never in dispute. However, reading the posted story, it didn’t take much to recognize there was more to it. First, the contractor focused too hard on trying to play the victim and FSF was the big bad guy. Second, it reeked of revenge. The contractor requested everyone reading his rant cancel their memberships in protest. And here’s the kicker, some people did! With no more information than that given by a disgruntled party in a civil dispute, people not only canceled memberships but went on personal tirades about freelancers, the gym, uppity gays, blah, blah, blah.

FSF released a statement a couple days later detailing more of what was going on. And as suspected, it was much more than them just refusing to pay a bill. The contractor missed not only content but also deadline delivery. It goes one step further. His contract had been canceled and he no longer had legal access to the domain! So not only did the contractor act unethically, he also broke the law. And yet FSF was the bad guy. I don’t know who is ultimately “right” in this whole ordeal, but what is clear is it was a civil dispute between two parties that should never have been made public in this manner. I will add, having seen the mess that was their website during their grand-opening, it certainly adds up.

Here is where my rant really comes in today. Even after more of the real story came out, many still bashed FSF and went on to claim “support for freelance developers.” [3]Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.  Truth no longer mattered, only the person’s personal bias. On a tangent, having done freelance web-design for many years, I can speak from experience. If I didn’t deliver a product as promised, I didn’t expect to get paid. And if I did get paid, it wasn’t the original price. I certainly would never stoop to taking down a companies’ domain over a dispute. One, said practice is a very grey area legally and two, it certainly doesn’t encourage more business knowing you resort to such tactics. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The moment the contractor stooped this low, he lost any moral high-ground, if he ever had it to begin with.

Facts matter people and so should the truth. This is but one example of many I could cite lately. We all have personal biases, no secret there. But we also have reason. When you allow your personal bias to trump reason and then go on to compound the issue thru denial, you marginalize yourself (and your argument). Life rarely deals in absolutes and trying to have an absolute ideal is often a recipe for failure. Don’t get caught up in the sensationalism and/or mob mentality. And just because a “friend” shared it with you on Facebook, take the time to understand an issue before going all holier-than-thou.

We are better than this. We do not need to stoop to such tactics to be taken seriously. You can support a cause, group, or ideal w/o blindly ignoring facts, reason, or simple logic.

References

References
↑1 Formerly Gold’s Gym
↑2 Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms
↑3 Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.

Users

I accidentally deleted a whole slew of registered users today by mistake! If you notice your user account is gone, just recreate it. Apologies.

To allow social log-ins to work, I have to allow the anyone can register in the settings. Of course, the bad guys try to use this to create more spam for my blog. I get on average about 30-50 fake accounts every week. I usually let them build up and then mass delete them. Today I wasn’t paying attention and deleted a page of users from the wrong user group. Oops!

None of the private user accounts were affected so those of you in that group should be fine. Speaking of, I get a lot of questions about the private parts of my blog. Yes, I have a private section. Yes, it deals mostly with adult content. I’ll also be adding soon some of the fictional short stories I’ve written. I keep them private to avoid poaching.

My blog is and will remain public but there are restricted parts and even parts that are solely for me. There are certain things the general public, including my co-workers, just don’t need to know about me. [1]I’m sure they’d tell you I’m probably already too open with them at work. lol  No, it is not about porn. While I do sometimes post slightly NSFW pics, I rarely post anything graphic, sorry. Yes, that is why I usually post a quick blurb about “are you logged in?”  No, I don’t charge for access.

That said, I do require something specific. You must take it upon yourself to email me personally and introduce yourself. [2]Click the email icon lower right of page  A face pic is always welcome and gets higher consideration but not required. I like having a feel for my readers and your introduction gets filed with your user account. I don’t require anything overly specific but the more open and honest you are the more likely I am to grant access. Yes, I realize it’s the honor system and you could be disingenuous, but that has never been the point. I do run your attached IP thru a couple filters to verify it is not spoofed or on black-lists. Once I approve you, I’ll notify you directly. From then on, as long as you are logged in, you can see private posts.

I usually approve users en-masse, regardless of access. This means you may not get a response from me right away. I simply do not have the time to do each request individually as they come in. I ask that you please be patient. Back to my original topic, all the deletions today were public subscribers. Again, apologies for the hassle. If you were one of the unlucky few and want to receive email updates, you’ll have to go thru the short but tedious process of re-registering.

References

References
↑1 I’m sure they’d tell you I’m probably already too open with them at work. lol
↑2 Click the email icon lower right of page

Sour

My mood that is.

This week has been kinda shitty. It started off w/someone I consider a good friend, not only insulting me over something extremely petty but also adding salt to the wound. I’m still so angry at the moment, I can’t find the will to care how it ends.

If that weren’t enough, work has also been very disappointing. I had an issue last Friday with an employee from another dept. I was 100% in the right and while the dept can’t deny that, they are totally not supporting me in the overall issue. I feel like I’ve been thrown under the bus because the powers that be on my side don’t have the integrity to stand up to the other dept head. Very demoralizing to say the least.

I’m glad this week is almost over. The only good thing out of the week [1]besides Cooper. hehehe is the gym. I took off a day on Wednesday to give myself recovery time. My last two workouts were good because of the small in between break.

Nothing planned for the weekend. It’s apparently some big bear weekend here so we’ll see if I end up getting into any trouble. It’s supposed to be sunny and even warm out. Hoping you all have a good one.

References

References
↑1 besides Cooper. hehehe

Lost

I’m back below 200lbs. It’s not a bad thing at all. I’ve lost some fat-weight in the last couple months. As much as I harped on the 200 threshold, it was more of a mile marker vs something I’m overly focused on. Yes, it was an important milestone for me but I knew it wouldn’t last exactly because I expected to loose fat-weight. I can feel the loss too. The little love-grips around my mid section are smaller and feel emptier.

I’m down to 196 actually. I’ve been really good about sticking to my eating routine. I don’t refer to it as a diet because I don’t consider myself dieting. I eat plenty of food, I’m just eating better. Less high carbs, less fatty foods, and more protein. Fresh &  Easy market has been a god-send [1]Yes Apple guy, I know you turned me on to it! because they have so many pre-marinated meats for pretty much the price as plain meat, you can’t beat it! I stock up on meats and just pop’em in the oven or stove. I throw some fresh veggies on and *poof* instant meal.

I also haven’t been eating out near as much. I still am but just not as often.

Anyway, that’s my big news for the moment. lol

Oh, and are you logged-in? You should be.

🙂

References

References
↑1 Yes Apple guy, I know you turned me on to it!

GGP

For “God’s Gentle People”

Not even 12 hours after my post, the nasty-grams started rolling in. As always, new comments are held for moderation. It’s always a pleasure reading some of the nasty vitriol that people of faith can sometimes spew. And as always, while you may disagree with me, even vehemently, you may not make personal attacks on me. Not if you wish such comments to ever see the light of day. Such nonsense is deleted at my sole discretion.

I did get one semi-decent personal email message. What started off as rhetoric turned into, what I felt, was a disingenuous effort to call me a hypocrite. The person had obviously taken the time to read thru some of my blog. [1]Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle  For the sake of brevity, I will ignore all the religious quotes as they mean nothing to me. In a nutshell, the commenter implied that because I talk about my adult struggles and even my mention of being compulsive in the past that I am a liar. He goes on to attempt to hammer home many of Mat’s points about the “destructive gay lifestyle.”

If you’ve taken the time to read my previous rant or any of Mat’s stuff, you discover very quickly he blames a huge chunk of his own shortcomings and failures in life on being gay. Mat, regardless of the reasons, made some bad choices in his young gay life. [2]It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.  Those choices are a reflection on his growth (or lack) as a man, not his being gay. Choosing dark paths doesn’t make being gay the fault anymore than being straight would be at fault. Attempting to do so is nothing more than denial. And just because Mat paints us in over-generalizations to combat his own denial doesn’t make it true. One has only to look at the thousands of LGBT couples getting married all over this country now to see we just want to be equal. We want to be able to establish our families and be recognized under the law. And yes, many of us get caught up in some of the negative aspects of our community. But that doesn’t make us any less deserving of love, respect, and equality. Self-destructive behavior isn’t gay or straight, it’s human.

As for me, I make no bones about my openness regarding sex. I do NOT live a life based on puritanical restrictions. I also make no secret that I struggled with compulsiveness surrounding sex. I fell for many of the failed coping mechanisms that Mat did. But instead of blaming my own failings on being gay, I accepted myself. I worked on discovering why I was so compulsive and worked to correct it. I grew as a man, shedding many of the insecurities that plagued me as a youth and pushed me into some destructive or excessive behaviors. So you see dear reader, I am not a hypocrite. But I do not live in a world of absolutes so I don’t see it as you do. I live in this world with its many complicated, messy, fallible humans. Nor do I live a moral code based on fear of what might happen to me after I die. I chose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I struggle. My failures do not make me less deserving or make being gay inherently bad.

I stand by my words and my advice to Mat. I hope he finds peace. But I don’t believe he ever will until he lets go of trying to deny what he is.

References

References
↑1 Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle
↑2 It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.