WWMD

This month’s WWMD is a bit heart-wrenching. One of my readers who has never commented confided in me recently. I have his permission to share his question anonymously.

Q: I just found out I am HIV-positive. I’m so scared and I feel like my life is over. I feel lost and confused. What should I do?

A: First, let go of the guilt, blame, and shame over your conversion. Beating yourself up over a mistake isn’t the answer. I often hear from so many gay men who can’t let go of the shame and guilt of sero-converting. Well, guess what? It just means you are human. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes cost more than we ever expected or thought. There are a variety of support groups online and off that you can join to help in this arena, especially if you find yourself struggling to adjust. You will probably find them very inviting and supportive.

Second, your life is not over. HIV isn’t the death sentence it used to be. While people are still dying across the globe, in Western culture HIV is much more of a chronic illness now. With proper medication/management, you can easily live 20, 30, 40+ years. See your doc, get a genome test done. If your doc doesn’t want to do one, find another doc. This will determine which meds are best for you. More importantly, this will also prevent you from going on a poorly constructed cocktail [1]common term for a group of medications taken together to combat/treat HIV and burning thru whole classes of medications.

Educate yourself about HIV in general. Knowledge is power and you want to be well-armed, so to speak, when making decisions about your long-term health. You’d be surprised how many people know very little or are completely ignorant of how HIV is transmitted, etc. There are two main types of HIV [2]often referred to as HIV-1 and HIV-2 along with a variety of ‘sub-types’. Chances are high you probably have a subtype of HIV-1. I could go on and on but that would quickly bore you to sleep.

Along the same line of thought, take care of yourself physically. Drugs, drinking, smoking, etc are all things you should cut out or keep to a minimum in your life. Your diet is equally important. You don’t have to give up all the foods you love however, some consideration must be givin to trying to balance out your diet. Medication or not, your body is fighting a constant war. Taking care of yourself ensures it has the ammo it needs to carry on the fight. Abusing/neglecting yourself suppresses your immune systems ability to fight. If you don’t workout, I suggest you start. You don’t have to live in the gym but working out helps to strengthen your immune system. Sports or other fun outdoor activities can be just as beneficial.

Navigating the social, emotional, and psychological impact is much more complicated. You are going to encounter ignorance, fear, distrust, and even outright hostility at times. Human beings can be callas and even cruel when faced with the idea of their own mortality. I’m not sure I’m really qualified to give you advice here. Everyone is different and their path is often based as much on their personal beliefs and feelings as much as facts. Reach out to other poz guys and listen to their stories. Not only is it empowering, it also firmly moves you out of the “I’m a victim” mentality.

The psychological impact will probably be more of a constant. Some guys struggle with their internal shame and never truly get over it. Others embrace their status and see it as liberating since they no longer have to worry. Others still see it as just a nuisance that has to be managed and sometimes rears its ugly head. Who am I to say which answer or approach is best. You will have to discover for yourself what works for you.

Know this my friend(s). No matter what, you are loved and this does not make you any less worthy or deserving of love, respect, etc. Your right to be and exist is unchallenged. While navigating the hardships ahead may not always be easy, accept yourself (and your faults) and do not let anyone try to make you feel any different.

All my best to you.

References

References
↑1 common term for a group of medications taken together to combat/treat HIV
↑2 often referred to as HIV-1 and HIV-2

Good News & Stuff

First off, we (the Union) were able to come to an agreeable compromise last week that resulted in not only our own staffing not getting cut but also saved another 900+ jobs citywide. [1]The caveat is 2 ballot initiatives in November have to pass.

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We had a good ride again this last Friday. We only ended up taking a couple pics. At least I don’t look like a beached whale in this one. I loved the route, we ended up going thru a lot of the windmills North of the City. I’ve always had a thing for windmills. I guess because we never had any in Texas. [2]Texas and windmills, yeah right!

We had a our first girl join the group this last week. She was sweet and fit in well but I kind of got a kick out of how she pulled turns. I’m thinking maybe because she was so petite she has to pull her weight more to lean that big Ducati she drives. It was a bit comical watching her pull her body to the side on regular turns as if she was doing a really tight turn super fast. [3]If you’ve ever ridden a bike, you know that you can almost do anything with a bike just by shifting your body weight. She was cool though and we had fun with her. We have another ride coming this Friday. A similar route in reverse this time. I’m stoked!

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People have been asking about the boy. Yes, I’m still enjoying being a new daddy. No, I ain’t sharing those stories. [4]They ARE juicy though. What I will say, he is as charming and endearing as ever. He always seems to put a smile on my face and a chub in m pants. What’s not to like? Seriously though, if he lived closer, I’d be in trouble.

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I got more than a few emails about the last post. Some people felt I was “attacking” religion. Two things, read it again and I don’t care. I’ve picked my side and completely comfortable with that.

References

References
↑1 The caveat is 2 ballot initiatives in November have to pass.
↑2 Texas and windmills, yeah right!
↑3 If you’ve ever ridden a bike, you know that you can almost do anything with a bike just by shifting your body weight.
↑4 They ARE juicy though.

Morality Reloaded

I’m feeling long winded today, you’ve been warned! I’m also touching on a subject I’ve beat a couple times here before. For the best sense of what I’m getting it, you should probably read the previous rant on the old blog. I’m specifically calling attention to an important distinction of the general use of the word vs the reality of how most people apply it.

…morality does not refer to just any guide to behavior accepted by an individual, it is that guide to behavior that the individual adopts as his overriding guide, and wants everyone else to adopt as their overriding guide as well

To start off, I realized a long time ago, I have my own set of morals. I’ve also mentioned on numerous occasions I used to never view myself as an overly “moral” person in the strictest sense of the word. And while I’ve come to realize I am a moral person, my morals are subject to my own sense of overriding right from wrong, hence the quote above. An important distinction here is my personal moral code isn’t an excuse to allow me to behave inappropriately. More importantly, I can look beyond my own sense of morality to the greater sense of right and wrong. There are behaviors I accept as ok to me that would probably not be ok if everyone adopted it. Does that sound like a contradiction? Of course it does. Morality is completely subjective and derisive in nature simply because there is no one moral code that everyone subscribes to. Even worse, the use of morality as a hammer has become common practice in our society.

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The first half of my rant deals with the out of control religious fanaticism in Western culture today. I honestly don’t know how folks can still cling to the term ‘christian’ and look me in the eye anymore. I don’t mind telling you should you have the cojones to actually admit it to my face, my respect for you drops several points. [1]That is not to say, I discourage you from belief in God or a higher power in general.  Claiming ‘its your faith” is not an excuse anymore. Your “side” has made it clear the line has been drawn in the sand. You should be asking yourself, which side you are on?

Besides being responsible for more deaths than any other cause on the planet in our entire history, it seems that belief has become more important than right or wrong. The ‘religious right’ in this country have become extremists and a cult IMHO. They’ve taken up the banner of being in the “moral right” while using every dirty deceitful trick in the book to spread fear and hate. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but you are no longer the majority. You are fast relegating yourselves to the sidelines and will eventually become extinct. Not because of us but your own selfish narrow-minded behavior. When your convictions were tested, you failed miserably. You hide behind ‘your faith’ while resorting to the very tactics you claim to abhor in others. And to your draconian belief system I say good riddance. Offended? Lucky for you there is that lovely little X in the very right top corner of this window. Feel free to click it and never come back. My sympathy for you has been all used up. [2]As a side note, anyone claiming to be ‘christian in defense of their comments here will have their comments deleted.

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The other half of my little rant today is about a disturbing trend I’ve noticed in general in our society lately. Specifically, people no longer seem to care about the truth when arguing an objective based on ‘morality’. You hear the word moral thrown around a lot in circles discussing everything from Obama to gay rights. The sad twist is many of these same folks stoop to deceit, half-truths, and outright lies to prove said moral point. I’m speaking mostly in relation to the gay rights struggle, but it is much broader than that. Seeing the lengths that people go thru to defame and trash our current president is astounding and shameful. He isn’t responsible for this current state of crisis and expecting him to fix it overnight is beyond foolish, it is stupid.

The ‘fundie” extremists and I do agree on one thing. Our society is facing a moral decay. It isn’t ‘the gays’ that are causing it though. It is our personal greed blinding us to the simple truth that we are no longer a righteous people. Western society has become nothing more than a bunch of controlling corrupt power mongering whiners focused on their own personal gain. We can’t say the word ‘fuck’ on prime time TV but it is perfectly acceptable behavior for hospitals to turn patients out into the street because they are too poor to pay for health care. Gays can’t get married but it is perfectly ok to defraud hundreds of thousands of people out of jobs so you can run a get-rich-quick scheme. No, we are too focused on me, me, me, me to care about our neighbors, fellow man, the planet, or the common decency that used to bind us all together.

So, is this where I complain about moving to another country or planet? No. Instead, I continue to live openly and honestly about who and what I am. I continue to see the good in all of us. I continue to behave in a way that I can be proud of and look back on without shame. I strive to better myself and move forward w/o the need to trample over my fellow man to do it. My own moral compass may be fractured and flawed in comparison but it still points me due North. I will follow it until the end of my days. Can you say the same?

References

References
↑1 That is not to say, I discourage you from belief in God or a higher power in general.
↑2 As a side note, anyone claiming to be ‘christian in defense of their comments here will have their comments deleted.

Ride Away

I went on a ride this past Thursday with the boys. It was good except one of the guys ended up going down on his bike. He was ok except for some minor road rash and bumps. His bike was more banged up than he was. Naturally, he was more upset about that.  lol I could totally relate.  Luckily, he had an EMT and a nurse along to doctor him up.

Other than that, the ride went well. I find myself riding more and more these days. I’m loving my beast so much. I know I’ve said it before but I can’t believe I waited so long to upgrade to a bigger bike. I’m doing my best to make up for lost time.

We took a brand new route this time. We rode up thru Orinda and around thru the back roads. Not growing up here, I’m a bit clueless when it comes to the routes, however I am learning fast. There are some really great roads in the Bay area. Some were super windy which makes for a good time. Being mid-day it wasn’t too busy. I finding I like riding in smaller groups. It is easier to keep everyone together and makes for more fun over all. I usually play the sweeper [1]The last rider who keeps an eye out for everyone and makes sure no one gets left behind.

I remembered to bring my camera this time. Can ya tell? lol Don’t ask me how but my angle and shirt conspired to make me look 4 sizes larger than I am! I know for a fact because I bought my riding pants a size small on purpose and they fit now!

Anyway, I made the mistake of letting William get a hold of my camera and he went off on a bender taking Princess Barbie pics. [2]See the stream *Mental Note* Never let William near the camera.

I’m hoping to ride again before my vacation is over, however the Aids Life Cycle is this weekend and everyone is tied up with that. There are a couple different rides proposed for tomorrow so I’m bound to pick one. The biggest problem is getting my lazy ass up early enough to make it.

References

References
↑1 The last rider who keeps an eye out for everyone and makes sure no one gets left behind.
↑2 See the stream

Overheard…

…on the way home from the gym last night.

Boy 1: I just love those blue mailboxes. They make great back-crackers.

Boy 2: I’m a pretty good back-cracker myself.

Boy 1: Yeah, but I don’t have to make the mailbox breakfast.

*slap*

Ok, I thought it was funny.

Chitown

I made it back from Chicago last night in one piece. The flight home was mostly uneventful. I sat next to this straight couple. The guy happened to work for a company that supplies gear to police and fire personnel. I own a pair of their boots. He was already dozing by the time I sat down but the wife was a total chatty Katy. I did come away with a nice gift certificate for free gear though!

I had a good time in Chicago. Everyone seemed dramatically surprised I wasn’t staying the whole weekend for IML. [1]International Mr. Leather Well, I didn’t go for IML, I went to see the boy. I actually booked time off so I could go, but since I have yet to replace the roomie, I couldn’t really justify spending the money. Well, free airfare and a very inexpensive hotel room made it worth while. [2]God love my friends for hooking a brother up! The entire trip cost me less than 400 bucks.

I did hit a snag when I arrived at the B&B. First, there was no one to meet me. I had to go two doors down to a bar for my keys. Not the end of the world, B&B’s typically don’t have staff running onsite 24/7. The bartender was polite enough but kept getting customers and I stood there for about 15 minutes just waiting. Then, the outside door key to the hotel didn’t work. The final straw was when he opened the door to my room. The room was so tiny the rickety full-size bed totally dominated the space. Even worse, the room was smack in the middle of the living area, shared a wall with the office, and the bathroom was two doors down the hallway. Oh no no no, uh-huh, no sir, no-ma’am, no siree-bob, this would not do! I visualized my plans of some quality quiet time with the boy going down the toilet.

Continue reading Chitown

References

References
↑1 International Mr. Leather
↑2 God love my friends for hooking a brother up!

Flight

Well I arrived safely in Chicago. Actually, I’ve been here for some time. The boy is fast asleep (he is an early riser), but I couldn’t wait until the weekend was over to share this.

I typed this at 30,000 feet on my way to Chicago. The flights were very smooth with one interesting occurrence. Flying on a friend’s buddy pass, I had to hop from SF down to SD and then a connecting flight from SD to Chicago. No biggie as I’ve flown standby plenty of times and more than familiar with the process. Anyway, the first flight was short and sweet and I slept right thru it. The second flight looked to be iffy at best and I’d already assumed I wouldn’t make it. Luck seemed to be on my side though. I made the 2nd flight w/o any hiccups. It was a very full flight but I managed to keep my seat. Even better, since it was physically the same plane I’d just flown in on, I didn’t have to reboard and got to nab a much nicer seat in the exit row. [1]Exit rows always have more leg room. duh! A very sweet young girl from the OC ended up taking the lone seat next to me. She was friendly and we chatted awhile before settling into our own little realms of preoccupation, her on her mobile device playing Sudoku (spelling?) and me on my laptop.

Now here is where it gets a little interesting. Half way thru the flight, I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder. One of the flight attendants (a very Barbie-esque woman) was telling me a “gentleman wants to buy you a drink”. I must have given here a dirty look as she repeated herself but softer. Being pulled from my distraction, I was a little perplexed but agreed not wanting to be rude. [2]Hey, I grew up in a trailer, you don’t refuse free shit, especially liquor! lol After my drink arrives I try to discover who it is that bought it for me. The stewardess said he wanted to remain anonymous. Of course, this drove me nuts. I kept turning my head around to see if I could catch someone staring or eyeballing me. There were definitely some hotties on the flight I would have been happy to make into new friends. A random woofy guy here and there, several army boys in their fatigues, and one very striking fembot. [3]a very feminine guy

Sadly, I never figured it out. None of the afore mentioned guys gave me a second glance thru the entire flight. I’m still scratching my head as to why someone would send me a drink but not want to at least be recognized. I tried to convince the flight attendant to tell me but she held fast and clearly I couldn’t get her alone on the plane to try and charm it out of her.

Oh well, I was very flattered. She did say right up front it was a guy so I can only assume he was gay. Mysterious man, if you are out there and on the off-chance read my blog, thanks for the drink bud. Nothing goes down quite as nice as free liquor!

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I was about to add more here at the end but the boy just rolled over and something “came up”.

References

References
↑1 Exit rows always have more leg room. duh!
↑2 Hey, I grew up in a trailer, you don’t refuse free shit, especially liquor! lol
↑3 a very feminine guy

Fly

Yeah, I know, I haven’t updated lately. I’ve been a bit busy.

Work was a bit stressful last week. The Union has been in negotiations with the City for a few months now. They City obviously is having a serious financial crisis and wants the Union(s) to give back. Without our contract being open, they can’t force it but the Union clearly understands if they don’t come to the table, the City turns to layoffs. Actually, the City has already given out almost 500 pink slips.

Last week the membership voted down the 2nd negotiated compromise. My understanding is there will be no more talks. With this latest offer being rejected, the City will most likely return to laying people off. I’m not worried for my own job but I am rather sad knowing more people will be getting pink slips in such a rough economy.

I’m a bit torn on the outcome of the last vote. At first thought, it seems like people are being greedy and selfish. And while that may be true to some extent, there is more to it. Many people are scared of giving back in tough times and I can’t fault them for that. And frankly, the City has pled poverty for so long now that they are in a true financial crisis, their pleas are falling on deaf ears. Things are going to get ugly in the next few weeks. *sigh*

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In somewhat exciting news, I went indoor skydiving this past weekend. One of the motorcycle groups I ride with decided to go and it was an awesome! Basically, its a 100 foot chamber surrounded by plexi-glass walls and a huge fan underneath. The floor is mesh wire. After instruction and suiting up, an instructor guides you to the edge and pulls you in and away you go! It is hard to describe the feeling of floating on nothing but air but it was an amazing experience. Besides having your face blown every which way, the sensations are hard to describe. I was a tiny bit apprehensive at first but upon arriving and seeing people in action, my fears melted away and I was all for it. I’m not sure I’d ever go skydiving for real but this was a good alternative. We all loved it and plan to go back and do it again soon.

There is a video coming but I’m waiting for William (links to a Facebook profile) to rip the disc and upload the files for all of us to share.

I could write more but getting sleepy and need to hit the sack. More to follow soon.