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January 18, 2010

Accept

by Moby — Categories: discrimination, family, gay, history, me, rights — 6 Comments

I got a few very interesting emails from folks who disagreed with my last post. The overall theme was the same as my friend I referred to on FB. I must admit I just don’t understand. When has separate but equal ever worked? How are we ever going to get equal rights under the law when we can’t even demand equality from the ones who claim to love us most? Allowing them to hide behind their ‘religion’ is bullshit just like it was for slavery. And please explain to me how allowing your family to pick an choose the parts of your life they ‘approve’ of is not a form of control. As long as we allow our families to segregate us in their lives, they will continue to think separate but equal under the law is acceptable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t love your family, but you should have enough self-respect and integrity to make sure they treat you as an equal or not at all.

I learned the hard way, separate but equal doesn’t work. And for the record, after everything my father did to me as a kid, I still loved him. I didn’t exclude him, he chose to exclude me because I didn’t fit the norm.¹ He made the conscious choice to push me away. And by conscious, I mean being kicked out of the house at the ripe old age of 14 with a broken jaw and 2 broken ribs.

Ten years later, we tried to make amends but he still couldn’t accept me. He made it very clear he didn’t want me “flaunting my lifestyle” in his face. Meanwhile, I had survived being on my own at such an early age, not to mention almost taking my own life and being homeless. Even after all of that, deep down I still wanted his love. But after surviving some of the darkest moments of my life, I couldn’t just go back to his love knowing it was built on the condition I act or behave a certain way. So, I moved on with my life without him. I would call or visit only once or twice a year. And even then it was primarily to see my little brother. Yeah, it hurt but I was stronger for it. I had finally accepted myself for who and what I was.

Ten more years later, on his deathbed, my father was finally able to admit his regret. I already knew as I had seen the pain in his face over the years. but, it was heartening (and very empowering) to finally hear him admit it out loud. It was also a little bit sad that it had taken him 20 years to finally realize his mistake(s).

So no, I don’t think allowing our families to love us with conditions is acceptable. Granted, my story is a bit extreme. My father never gave me a chance to try and educate him. That said, the point is the same. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We have no reason to bow to irrational demands/restrictions by our families of half-acceptance. Demands born out of fear, ignorance, or lies. And until more of us realize that, I honestly don’t think we’ll have equality under the law.

Granted my step-mother goaded him for almost 2-days before he finally lost it but still [↩]

January 15, 2010

I Love You but…

by Moby — Categories: discrimination, gay, rant — 5 Comments

I was reading recently about a buddy on FB who was lamenting that someone in his close family was “accepting” of his pending same-sex marriage but would not be attending the actual event.¹ Of course it was because of their “religious beliefs”. He was hurt obviously, but was still glad they were in his life. HUH?

Sadly, this is not the first time this scenario has played out, nor will it be the last. For my part, I thinks its time that we stop allowing people who claim to love us to treat us this way. If you can’t accept me then you have no business being in my life. And when you wake up one day and find yourself excluded from my life, you have no one to blame but yourself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, love with limits is not love but control. You can’t claim to love someone but only if they do or act a certain way. That is utter and total horseshit.

Oh you were so expecting something else weren’t you? [↩]

January 6, 2010

Ouch

by Moby — Categories: muscle, random thoughts — 5 Comments

I’m still having issues with my shoulders. I guess I tweaked’em more than I thought originally. I haven’t been to the gym in almost 3 weeks now and I’m chomping at the bit (so much for my 200lb goal, for now anyway). I can still feel twinges of annoyance from my shoulders when I raise my arms into certain positions over my head that involves pulling or pushing. With Apple guy here I doubt I’d have a decent gym schedule anyway so the timing is pretty good I guess.

The other upside is I’ll miss the influx of noob’s getting their NY’s resolution on.¹ Whateva. I wish you mofo’s luck. If you want some advice, don’t overdo it, slow and steady is the key. And for the love of crackers, don’t hog the frackin’ benches while you’re talking on your phone. If you do, I can’t be held responsible for the trip to the ER to have said device removed from a random orifice on your body.

for all of a month before they burn out [↩]

January 1, 2010

NY

by Moby — Categories: holidays, random thoughts — 6 Comments

My biggest worry for the new year so far is on how to refer to it. Will it be Two Thousand Ten, Two Thousand And Ten or just Twenty Ten? I think I like the last one best. Its easier and rolls off the tongue better. So from this day forward 2010 shall be referred to as twenty ten. There, I have spoken! lol

I am so not excited about NYE. I had to work until 2:00am.¹ NYE is our busiest (and worst) day of the year. Ugh. Overall, it wasn’t too bad this year. The cold messes, the hot messes, and the just plain messes were out in force but the overall violent crimes were down. I was on fire side most of the night which meant managing the medical fleet. I feel good knowing I did an excellent job with the resources available.

Apple guy is still here (yay!) Sadly, I didn’t get to ring in the NY with him because I had to work. I did manage to send him a text at the midnight hour. I literally got the text out when the shit really hit the fan, so to speak. He went out with some friends so at least one of us had some fun. I was bummed that we had to spend it apart but there is always next year I guess.

I haven’t really worked on my resolutions for the new year yet. The wine is kicking in and my brain is kinda fuzzy at the moment.

originally 3:00am but I got lucky and was relieved an hour early [↩]

December 10, 2009

Snooze

by Moby — Categories: apple guy, me, motorcycle, random thoughts, work — 7 Comments

Nothing to see here. Just random shite to give everyone an update. I’m waiting for the ambien to kick in so by the end things start sounding weird¹ you’ll know why.

First, my ongoing battle against that dastardly foe insomnia continues. I was up until 3:30am last night and promptly woke up at 8 freaking AM this morning. The night before I got about 6 hours so I’d call that a draw. I called off sick to work today. I felt too on edge and irritable and answering life/death calls in that mindset just wasn’t overly appealing. The social network crowd has been following my random spur of the moments much more closely² so many of them will understand this. For you not so hip readers, I went to the doc last week and he wasn’t much help. The issue relates to a little genetic disorder that affects my hypothalamus. I’ve had it since birth. I don’t talk about it much as its more of an annoyance. This year it has become a challenge. I’m apparently not producing several key chains of enzymes that deal with the body shutting down to sleep. Ambien is very hit and miss but more often than not it will do the trick. The bad is while it is not physically addicting, it increases the difficulty of sleeping after you go off of it. Brilliant right? My other option is narcotic based drugs but that is an absolute bust for me. No matter how much I take, any amount that will put me to sleep will also leave me in a funk for hours after I wake up the next day. This not overly conducive if you ride a motorcycle. Well, if you want to stay up-right on the motorcycle that is. I know, I know, shut a nit-picker. Whatever…

Everyone is chomping at the bit for more news about the Apple guy. Well, I don’t have much to add. We still talk, we still like each other, and we still live 2000 miles apart. lol Things are pretty much in a holding pattern until he moves here in late January. He has been super duper preoccupied lately but still finds time to talk to me, which I like. The one thing I will say is we both seem to be approaching this from the same mind-set. And by that I just mean, neither he or I is looking to get into a LTR just so we can be in an LTR. Ugh, that is so 90’s. Anyway, it just is. We aren’t pressuring it or trying to make it anything other than it is. It might sound weird but that’s oddly comforting to me. He is coming up for Christmas so I got it off so we could have a long weekend together. I’m looking forward to it.

The bike shop where I take my beast called me out of the blue today and they got the remaining parts for my bike in. Even better, they surprised me. I scratched up the crank cover pretty severe the last time I low-sided the bike. The shop ordered me a new more stylish one with a slider built over it to prevent future gashes in the event I slide the bike again. Well, they didn’t tell me the slide plate was solid blue like my bike. Of course I was ecstatic! They know blue is my signature color and know me well enough to know I would have totally jumped on it had I known. Yeah, it was 50 bucks extra but so what. I “gottsta” look good damn it! LOL Anyhoo, they popped all the new parts on today and the bike is good as new.

Its effin’ cold here right now. And I do mean cold. It got down to 34 last night and tonight its a balmy 41 degrees out. That’s pretty cold for SF. It almost never gets below the high 40’s/low 50’s. Of course, being a windy ocean-side city makes it even worse. We actually got tiny hail for 5 whole minutes earlier this week. Seriously, it hailed/snowed for like 5 minutes in SF.³

Work is work. I did rotate back to PD side about a month ago. I’ve been on fire side for a 18 months and I decided it was time to rotate back. I gotta admit, while it is way busier, I missed it. We started our shift sign-up last week. There is a very real chance I’ll get bumped back onto a 4-10 shift. I’m hoping not but it is beyond my control so I’ll deal with it. I’m pretty sure of getting some sort of weekend slot regardless but I’d love to stay on 5′-8s. I’ll know in about a week. I’ve reached a point where my seniority isn’t changing much. For years, I jumped 10-15 slots every sign-up. I’ve been in the mid 50’s for about 3 years now. I’m not complaining as I can pull the shift I want and can usually pull the days off I want. Truth be told, I’m just grateful to have a job. Things are still very rough on the City’s budget crisis. They are still threatening to layoff staff (that we don’t have) and/or just reduce our ability to backfill overtime. That means if someone goes on vacation or calls in sick, they department can’t call people in on overtime to meet minimum numbers. That means when you call 911 you sit in queue longer. I’m disgusted at the possibilities but its out of my hands so I’m hoping for reason.

I think the ambien is actually taking hold so time to shut my pie-hole. That or I have gas, either way its time to go.

well, weirder than normal. [↩]
oh I’m sure they are just hanging on my every word…don’t judge me. [↩]
Global warming is a total myth right? lol [↩]

December 4, 2009

Parts

by Moby — Categories: health, me, muscle — 8 Comments

Ugh! I think I’m getting old.¹ lolol I’m realizing my 2001 parts aren’t as resilient as they used to be.

No sooner do I get back into a good solid gym routine after recovering from straining my shoulder and I manage to strain the other fracking shoulder! Its not a major injury mind you. I’ll probably have to lay off the heavy weights for only a week or two. I’m more annoyed than injured.

Fortunately, I still have all my original parts and everything still works. (knock on wood) Truth be told, I’m in pretty good shape. I doubt I’ll ever be as ripped but that’s ok with me. I’ve slowly worked my way up the muscle chain over the years. Here I am a month away from being 39 and I’m 5 lbs² shy of breaking 200 lbs! And from someone who used to weigh 90 lbs soaking wet, that’s a big deal! Of course, some of that is fat weight but the ratio is very healthy and let’s face it, I like to eat. lol And while such a goal could be accomplished in a shorter time frame, being healthy has always been my primary focus. The purdy muscles are just an added benefit.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to hit 210lbs. I’m sure I’ll eventually hit it but patience has never been one of my better virtues. lol I’m actually looking at combining resistance and interval training together. Last time I did that, I really noticed a difference. Of course, that is AFTER the shoulder is all better again.

well my body is [↩]
naked, true body weight is done in the buff bitches [↩]

November 21, 2009

Remembering

by Moby — Categories: family, history, me — 7 Comments

I’m not sure why but I had a dream about my father last night. He would have been 73 years old this month were he alive. November was his birth month. Funny, I used to never remember his birthday while he was alive. I’m curious why I remember it now like clockwork. Is it because we were finally able to have some sort of peace together towards the end? I’m not sure to be honest.

The dream itself wasn’t overly significant. It was just odd that my father kept coming into the picture. And to be fair, it was a nice dream. No drama, no bad stuff, no painful memories. That is a good thing because I don’t have many good memories of my father. The few good years have been overshadowed by the painful years after my step-mother came along.

Ironically, I find as the years pass I miss my father more and more. I don’t really understand that either. We were never closer after my teen years, for obvious reasons. I still carry the emotional (and physical) scars of his impact on my life. My younger brother doesn’t understand as he was simply too young, but I know my older brother does. He and I got the full brunt of my father’s wrath on many many MANY occasions.

Anyway, back to the point of my little ramble. As much as I tried to shake the memories, they’ve stuck with me today. Maybe dad was looking in on me and this was his way of letting me know. While never a very religious man, my father did believe in the “here-after”, as he called it. My father also believed in other-worldly things like ghosts. There were several episodes in my early childhood where my father surprised me with his compassion and comfort when I needed it.

One time in particular, I was being haunted¹ by an apparition for several months. Looking back on it, I think I was on the verge of losing my sanity. This was not a passing nightmare or dream fantasy. It was as tangible and real as the keyboard I’m typing on now. It plagued me night after night for months. It would wake me from a sound sleep, I’d be freezing, and I would clearly see it watching me. My only rational response at the time was blood-curling screams and hurling my body full-force into bed with my father on a nightly basis.

Of course, never missing an opportunity to ridicule me, my step-mother taunted me with names and verbal abuse. She even had the audacity to suggest it was my dead foster mother come back for revenge. Toward the end though, I think even she relented a little. As hard as she tried, her belligerent threats and bullying weren’t enough to overcome my fear. That and one night she decided to ‘show me’ and slept in my bed. The next morning she was unusually quite and never slept in my bed again. She never did explain to me or dad, what she saw/felt, if anything. But after that, I do remember she was less mean to me. She even did little nice things for me, which was totally out of character for her.

After one dreadfully painful night spent screaming and throwing everything I could get my grubby little hands on, my father sat me down the next day to comfort me. It is one of the few times in my entire childhood I can remember my father holding me. He also gave me some advice on how he would handle it. I was doe-eyed because he didn’t ridicule me, he didn’t talk down to me, he was speaking to me as if we were equals. Even if he didn’t believe me per se, he could see the very real fear in my eyes.² That and I think he too might have realized my little id was fast reaching a breaking point. And his advice worked! Whether it was my confidence to overcome said entity by denying it the energy it needed or whatever, it worked. It was also the first time in my life I faced something on my own. I think much of self-confidence today stems from that one episode.

Ok, so back on topic. I miss my father. It comforts me to know I am holding onto the good parts of my life with him. And Dad, if you are out there sending me a message. I got it, loud and clear. I haven’t forgotten you.

yes, I said haunted and I truly mean it in the literal sense [↩]
And after 3 months of almost nightly attacks, I think he might have been a little desperate as well. When I didn’t sleep, neither did anyone else! [↩]

November 16, 2009

Blues

by Moby — Categories: apple guy, hmmmm?, motorcycle, random thoughts, rides — 1 Comment

Summer is over and the cool weather is definitely setting in here in SF. While it rarely gets cold cold here, I did have to turn on the heater for the first time this past weekend. brrr! This coming weekend looks to be chilly as well.

Sadly, that also means less moto rides. I did get a ride in this past weekend even though it was chilly. I don’t like riding in the cold, but since I haven’t had much time lately I wanted to get a ride in. It was fun, as always. I’m sure we will get a few warm weekends sprinkled throughout the winter season. That said, I’m already missing the weekly rides.

In less depressing news, Apple guy got his bike this week. He made out like a bandit and scored a really nice bike off ebay for a steal! As luck would have it, its a GSXR like mine (but a 600 mind you :p). Its a sweet looking bike and he is already planning a slew of tweaks and customizations for it. I thought I was bad, he has me beat hands down. Lol. Of course, I have picked up some nice ideas from him. I think his creative streak is much larger than mine.¹ Anyway, he picks it up this week. I think I’m more excited than he is. lol

That or I’m just lazy. [↩]

November 11, 2009

P-you

by Moby — Categories: WTF, culture, rant — 11 Comments

Why is it my fellow homo’s feel the need to bathe in cologne? I mean, come on!

I ran into a friend in the hood the other day, we exchanged hello’s and a customary hug before going our separate ways. I was immediately bombarded by his overpowering cologne. I was almost nauseous it was so strong, no exaggeration. I got thru it and went on about my day.

An hour later, I’m in Bearbucks getting some much needed caffeine and the guy behind the counter commented on how nice my cologne smelled! Before he said anything, I had just chalked the lingering smell up to my poor nose being overwhelmed. Oh noooo, I got home and took my shirt off and I could smell the shit all over my damn shirt! Now imagine how much he must have had on for it to rub off all over my shirt!

I don’t personally wear cologne very often but I also don’t really mind it, when used properly. I have a strong sense of smell (and as we all know, taste is tied into smell). I also happen to prefer the natural clean scent of human skin over cologne.¹ When used properly, cologne can enhance your own natural smell and be alluring.

So here is a clue for all you cologne-lovers out there. Its meant to give a hint of fragrance. It is not meant to overpower someone’s olfactory system completely. Oh and don’t even get me started on guys who bathe/shower, shave, deodorant, and cologne with the exact same fragrance. OMFG!

Let me be the first to be a true friend and tell you you don’t smell pretty at all. You stink! A drop behind each ear and maybe a drop on each wrist is more than enough. If that isn’t enough, your cologne is too cheap and should be avoided all together.² If all of your hygiene products have the same fragrance, you don’t need any cologne at all. And if you can’t afford the really good stuff just go for the natural clean smell. I guarantee everyone around you will be grateful.

/rant

And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy. [↩]
The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs. [↩]

October 28, 2009

Unsettled

by Moby — Categories: drama, me, struggling, work — 3 Comments

Work has been an absolute torment for me this week. Not my job per se (that I can handle) but stuff influencing not only my day to day operations but my position as a Steward as well. I had enough foresight to see this problem coming months ago and made several attempts to prevent it from happening. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

Without going into details and bad-mouthing a whole slew of people who aren’t here to defend themselves, I basically felt pressured into making a very big deal out of something I feel could have been handled with only a tiny amount of intervention. It is a very big deal to me. The irony is because I’m so incredibly frustrated and angry, I’ve lost my normal sense of composure and ability to make shrewd calculated responses. I pride myself on being able to see the big picture, step back from a situation, size it up, respond accordingly, and work to a successful resolution. That said, realizing I’d lost this detachedness, I called in my big rep for our Union. I felt a little ashamed to bother him with it but he backed me up 110%.

To give you an idea of how out of sorts I am. This new issue has me so wound up and angry not only did I loose my temper yesterday, I actually yelled at several coworkers, which is something I never do. While not making excuse(s), I felt completely isolated and abandoned in the scope of things going on around me at the time.¹

Today, seeing no one above my rank cared or could even be bothered to feign concern, I escalated the issue to a level that involves myself, the department, and the city in general. This of course angered me even more because it made me feel petty. I absolutely detest being made to feel petty about anything!

Afterwards, needing to blow off steam, I confided in some of my friends at work and was surprised to hear how much they supported my efforts. They not only supported me but encouraged me to carry my fight to the very end. Its funny how just a little nod of approval can give one a sense of validation and conviction.

And while it may still come across as petty to some, I am feeling much more my old self again and am confident it will get resolved to my satisfaction.

As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way. [↩]

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