Category: hmmmm?

Child

Someone asked me the other day if I considered Cooper my child. The conversation wasn’t overly serious so this random question took me by surprise in that I didn’t really think about my answer. I just said no. Which surprised both of us. More on my surprise in a moment. The friend followed up with, ‘Hmmm, I would have thought as much love you show him you’d see him that way.‘ Well, I was flattered he could tell I love my dog but I was a little perplexed at the implication that I could only feel the depth of love for a human. And for many that might be a natural assumption but it wasn’t one for me. After I thought a little more about it, I still don’t perceive Cooper as my child. He is more of a companion in my eyes. Do I love him any less? Absolutely not. I love that dog as much as could ever love a child. Just because he isn’t human shouldn’t devalue his worth or my capacity to love him. I know so because I would easily do harm to someone to protect him. I would sooner punch someone over Cooper than anything said person could say to me about myself. That to me is a fine determinant on how much I love my 65lb munchkin.

I guess when I first got Cooper, I did sort of perceive him like a child. I still refer to myself in the 3rd-party as his daddy. In many ways, you might perceive an animal as an eternal child because they always need looking after. So the parent-child aspect can be present but I don’t think it necessarily has to encompass the love we feel for our pets. I can tell you as Cooper and I have bonded and time has passed, I do not see him as a child. He is my friend and companion and I couldn’t love him anymore than if he were human. The latter is the surprise for myself.

I’ve had pets off/on most of my life. I grew up on farm and had tons of animals around me all the time. But until I met Spike when Apple guy and I first got together, I’d never felt the depth of love for an animal before. I loved Spike more than any animal before him and still miss him every day. It broke my heart when we had to put him down. And part of the reason I didn’t want another dog was because I was afraid of betraying the love I had for Spike. Now I see how silly that was but being heartbroken can affect one’s judgment. And I consider myself fortunate Apple guy badgered me into getting another dog. I’ll always love him for bringing Cooper into my life. I don’t mind admitting I love Cooper even more than I loved sweet Spike. It doesn’t mean I love Spike less. I came into Cooper‘s life early on and he is growing up with me. Spike was a full grown adult and already had his bond with Apple guy. Not to say he didn’t love me but it’s just different. Spike will always be the dog that taught me I could love an animal.

And this makes me wonder what changed? Why am I suddenly more capable of loving an animal so strongly whereas before I wasn’t? Was it because I grew up on a farm knowing most of our livestock was food? Did I form detachments to prevent myself from getting hurt when I lost a pet? No, we never ate pets of course, but what is a pet to me might be food to someone else in another country. The separation in our minds is what I’m referring to here. Then I wonder if maybe the misery of my childhood somehow blocked it. Even as a young adult I never loved my pets like I did Spike and now Cooper. My 20’s were about survival for myself. Maybe it was an extension of the block from childhood? When I met Apple guy my life had definitely settled down quite a bit. I’m guessing mostly. I can’t really explain why things shifted. Maybe I just grew up.

Story

Quick & dirty post at the moment. I love when the spam bots try to tell a half-way believable story as part of their spam comments. It cracks me up reading some of them in my comment queue. Some even do a decent job of telling a story, however bizarre it sounds. Others just throw a bunch of words at you in attempt to fool the filters.

I do ponder the day when they get to the point where they can actually write simplistic but relevant comments! Lawd, we’s all in trouble then! lol

Happy weekend all!

Arrogant

I was talking to a friend the other day and I sort of confronted him on something. He has always had an arrogant side and I was genuinely curious where it came from. Some of it I could sort of be expected as he trends on the very good looking side of things. And while not rich, he has a job that keeps him comfy. One might expect a bit of arrogance from such a person.

The odd part is I’ve never really seen it as a connection for this particular guy. It doesn’t seem, to me anyways, that his attitude comes from that aspect of his life. So curiosity got the better of me and I flat out asked him. His answer surprised me. He said his dad had been on the arrogant side and it was often a way to cover up insecurity. Growing up as a boy he’d picked up on it and grew into using it for himself. I guess to a degree that makes total sense but I don’t think I would ever expect arrogance to cover insecurity. They don’t seem grounded in the same causations, so to speak. I was equally surprised he was introspective enough to have figured how why he does it.

We chatted a bit more and emboldened by his honestly, I asked why he’d never attempted to be arrogant with me directly. His reply was again a bit of a shocker. lol He told me he’d never felt a need to behave that way around me. He also indicated he didn’t think I would put up with it anyway, which is true but not the point. I was surprised here because in a previous rant a while back I talked about discovering friends had been intimidated by me before they knew me. He’d been one of them apparently.

Now that I’ve had to digest it all, I’m still a bit baffled. I’ve always seen arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while I still think that, I am beginning to see the facets of it now. From my jaded world-view, it has always been something I contributed to rich spoiled or super attractive guys. I guess on some level I knew it could be associated with insecurity but I obviously never registered it as a conscious thought process. And now I find myself going back thru memories of guys in my past who’d I’d labeled as arrogant and written off wondering if they too had developed it as a coping mechanism.

I still see arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while it may very well sometimes be a coping mechanism, it is a destructive one. It does more harm than good in the end and should be avoided. Besides, being humble increases a man’s attractiveness. The old adage goes, “you catch more flies with honey…” would apply here it seems.

Inferior

I mentioned via various social media profiles that I recently hired a cleaning crew for the apt. Lord knows it needed it. A friend of a friend happened to see my post and messaged me in private asking for details. In the process, he seemed to go out of his way to establish his superiority by demeaning the fact she cleaned homes for a living. I was a bit surprised because there wasn’t really a need for him to inject that into the conversation. I mean if the situation were reversed I just would have asked the pertenent details and went on about my way.

Naturally, I gave him my two cents. Performing menial tasks for a living is not demeaning. Nor does it make you less deserving of respect. Frankly, she does a service that people clearly need and want. She is most definitely doing me a service that I appreciate. I respect her hard work and efforts. I could go on and on about my ideas where this comes from. Be it societal constructs, class wars, blah blah blah not the point. I’m more surprised when I hear it from a gay person because we get treated differently because of a characteristic we can’t control. You’d think that would make us more compassionate and accepting of others. Sadly, not always the case.

I’m pretty sure I got my strong work ethic from my dad. I may not have gotten a lot from him but he did manage to instill that into me very young. My father worked a variety of blue-collar jobs in his life, some more profitable than others. He never begrudged others their higher/lower payscales. My dad always said an honest job, no matter what it is, deserves respect. An honest job is an honest living. And while he worked some pretty physically taxing jobs in his  life, he was pretty content with it.

At the end of the day, I try not to put down others to make myself feel better. I don’t try to elevate myself above them to feel superior. While I am proud of what I do, that doesn’t make me better than anyone else. I’ve cleaned up some pretty disgusting things in my life. And honestly, I was happy to do it. Even a shitty job deserves to be done right IMO.

Strange

It’s always fun when speaking to a complete stranger and watching the look on their face here. I was standing next to a guy in the mirror at the gym locker room the other day. I started chatting with him just randomly. No flirting, just me being me. He gave me this perplexed look and actually said, “why are you talking to me?” My response, ‘well you’re standing next to me butt-naked in a mirror. I figured we could exchange conversation.”  He walked away somewhat wary, as if I had some ulterior motive.

I giggle to myself and went on about my day. I guess it is easy to wall yourself in Cities like SF. I mean you get bombarded by people with a cause, sign here, donate for this, save the tress…blah blah blah. And that’s before you even get to the panhandling homeless guys. lol So, I think it is natural that people learn to keep their shields up, so to speak.

It doesn’t phase me. I get a little disappointed obviously. But, being from the South, I’m gonna keep on doing what I keep on doing and that’s be me. Should you be perplexed or not understand, well that’s your issue.

Happy weekend all.

 

Smile

Roles

No not the dirty kind. Get out of my gutter. After my snafu with the Intense Debate plugin, I got a request from a reader on how I managed junk comments on my blog. The WordPress plug-in community is wonderfully diverse and there is usually a plug-in for almost anything.

Because I leave my blog open to new users as a requirement for 3rd-party log-ins like FB, twitter, Google, etc, I get tons of fake users meant to get around my comment filters. Their tricks rarely work but I still have to occasionally go thru and delete all the fake accounts.

The easiest way I’ve found is thru a plug-in called Role Manager that defines the user account groups built into WordPress as Roles.  Each user group/roles has a break out of all the capabilities any user in the group/role can perform. Reading, posting, editing, deleting, etc. I find it a much easier way to manage my user base.

Anyway, it has a nifty feature where you can duplicate a user group/role and give it your own name and capabilities. I duped my subscriber list of real readers into its own group. This leaves the default subscriber user group/role to fill up with the fake accounts. When I get ready to delete the junk, I do a quick perusal for real new users and move them to the correct group. I’m then free to delete the rest en-masse.

Simple and effective.

Rev

It’s always nice when I can educate other drivers about motorcycle riders. Even if it starts out pissy.

The other day, I’m coming home from work. I pull up to a car at the light. And as I normally do, I rev my engine as I pass to let the cars know I’m coming. One lady didn’t understand this I guess. She happened to be next to me at the next light and decided to roll down her window and attempt to tell me off.

Lady: Why do you guys always do that? It’s so rude. Why do you have to roar your engine and be so disruptive!
Me: *After flicking open my helmet and smiling* Ma’am, we aren’t trying to be rude, we’re actually trying to be courteous and let you know we’re next to your vehicle. That way you don’t suddenly turn into us and run us over with a vehicle that is usually 4-6 times our size and weight.
Lady: *bewildered look and half open mouth attempting to formulate a new thought after abruptly having to discard the last intended one*
Lady: *more pause*
Lady: Oh. I didn’t know that. I always wondered why so many of you people [yes she really said you people] do that. Now it makes perfect sense. Thank you.

The ironic part of this whole things is at the very next intersection she turned right and almost ran over a cyclist!

I normally wouldn’t bring it up but having explained it to a buddy and another random car driver less than 2 months ago, I felt it was worthy of a PSA. If you live in a state like Cali, where lane-sharing is legal (or not) that motorcycle driver revving his engine next to you isn’t being a dick, he is trying not to get run over, have you pull into him, or open your car door unexpectedly and hit him. Yes some riders are total lane hogs and/or dicks but that doesn’t make us all bad.

And as many of us moto riders are fond to saying to each other when parting, ‘keep the shiny side up!‘

Contained

Continuing in the reflection from my last rant, I’m pondering if my independence is sometimes a hindrance to my dating life. I’ve had several folks comment off-hand recently about my independence. One night after dinner and conversation with a friend about breakups, he commented that I was very self-contained. This got the old noodle working and it stuck with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that I’m not involved enough or giving enough w/potential bf’s or on dates. Not even  remotely.  No, I wonder if my ‘containment’ as it were could be the reason some guys feel intimidated or are afraid to approach me. I still can’t wrap my head around anyone thinking I could be intimidating. But more than a few people over the years have mentioned it to me. I still get surprised when anyone tells me they always wanted to say hi but were afraid to. So whether I intend it or not, there is obviously something to it. Even if it is a projection from the other person, something has to be triggering it. So now I’m wondering if my independence is part of that.

My friend, for the most part, was right. I am very self-contained. Growing up the way I did, I learned very early to take care of myself. Having few inhibitions, I also have no problems doing things solo. Pretty much anything I want to do, I can do alone if it strikes my fancy. I just don’t see a reason to avoid doing something I want to do because there is no one available at the time to do it with me.

Then you mix in that I’m not overly out in the community here, I wonder if the two combined give an appearance of aloofness. Let me back up a bit. I was very involved with the gay community when I first moved here. This gave me exposure to many of the long term gay residents here in SF.  I know many of them in varying degrees. Add in the gym, my motorcycle group, and yes even my shenanigans over the last 12 years and it becomes impossible not to get to know or know of a lot of the locals. Then there is also my odd work schedule. Because I usually work swing shift, I can’t always do many of the events or social gatherings that a lot of the locals attend. Fast forward to the present, I’m beginning to get the sense that I’m known by many but rarely seen. I wonder if this contributes to this sort of faux picture of me being aloof or unapproachable?

Actually, the more I think on it, the more I believe all of this together plays a big part of it. I’m dumbfounded that I could have missed it for so long. Obviously, they don’t read my blog! lol If they did, they’d see how completely open and approachable I am. All joking aside though, I’m still pondering this. I may need to beat it here some more in the future…

Surprised

Interesting share today.

I rant into a guy on the street the other day that I’ve had a crush on for some time. We always see each other at the gym, exchange glances and smiles.  I heard he had a partner so I never pursued it further. I run into him while walking Cooper one day and we stop to exchange pleasantries and formally introduce ourselves. There were some obvious sparks passing between us instantly. He was very sweet and charming. We talked for a bit before I confessed how handsome I thought he was. He returned the sentiment with a big smile. I asked if he was single. To his credit, he stated he was but that he was dating someone. With that news, I mentioned that I would normally give my number but wouldn’t because I didn’t want to intrude into his current situation.

He was visibly surprised and appreciative of my candor and unwillingness to put my own needs before respect. He told me outright he appreciated the respect. He got bonus points for loving Cooper immediately. lol Anyway, we continued to chat and flirt harmlessly for a bit more before going our separate ways. As we departed, he mentioned to me that if things didn’t work out he would very much like to reach out to me. I stated that would be very ok with me.

I got to thinking. How many other guys would have done the same? How many of you reading would have done the same? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not inferring anything inappropriate or negative here. I’m sincerely curious if others would see it the same way I did. Some believe, ‘all is fair in love and war‘. And while I don’t necessarily cater to that belief, I’m not saying it is wrong or right. I’ve always admitted I’m an odd bird. I’m wired very different from a lot of people and I’m cool with that. And had my interest only been carnal, I wouldn’t have had a problem as long as that was allowed on his part. [1]I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

From my perspective, it would have been rude or disrespectful to try and muscle in on someone else’s potential partner. While not at a partner level, it was pretty obvious it was more than casual dating. To try and insert myself in a romantic sense just felt wrong to me. I’ve never been able to date more than one guy at a time. Dating [2]not a date but serious continuous dating to me implies intimacy and potential for more and I have never been able to split my affections like that. I know other guys who seem to have no problem managing multiple suitors and see no conflict with it. I’m not saying they are wrong, nor am I judging them. I’m just saying it is not for me, and conversely I wouldn’t do it to someone else.

References

References
↑1 I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
↑2 not a date but serious continuous dating

Kind

It is amazing what a kind word to a stranger can do. I’ve mentioned here more than a few times that I try to do random acts of kindness.

Today, as I was showering off at the gym an older guy came in. He’s a regular and had been missing for over a few months. I’d seen him a while back and he didn’t look good. He’d obviously had some sort of medical episode and was recovering. While he has always been on the very lean side,  he looked like he’d put on a bit of muscle on his upper body. His skin had gained that healthy glow again and he basically was looking good.

I told him his upper body was looking good and he’d obviously been working hard. I swear, you could tell he almost started crying. You could see the admiration and gratitude in his face and his voice as he thanked me  repeatedly.

Just something so little and slight to me made someone’s day. You could see it put him in a better mood. And I should hope I look as good as he does at his age. He is probably mid to late 50’s and clearly takes care of his body. Anyway, do a random act of kindness today, this week, or just once a week every week. It may seem trivial and pointless but to the people on the receiving side, I’d bet money they see it a lot differently!

Oh, and you should be logged in. 🙂